


dEfEcTiVe?

by ZiMagateophobia



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Demon, Gen, Insanity, Jhonen Vasquez, M/M, Multi, Paranormal, ZiMagateophobia, alien - Freeform, dEfEcTiVe?, defective, deviantART, vampire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2018-11-02 00:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 92,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10932975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZiMagateophobia/pseuds/ZiMagateophobia
Summary: Dib is seriously in for it. Sure, he was an expert in the paranormal field, but this? This was an entirely new level of supernatural. He has managed to keep the Earth safe thus far from his Irken nemesis, but when a freakishly hideous vampire tumbles - literally tumbles - with his alien out of the way of oncoming traffic, Dib knows deep down that things were about to get weird.





	1. Eugh - Vampires Are Hideous!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why does this exist? Why do I.. exist? Say, do YOU exist?

  

  **dEfEcTiVe?**

* * *

 

"ZIM! This plan is _insane_! You're going to destroy us ALL!"

The Irken cackled as he maneuvered the Voot downwards to shake the child off his tail, grinning back once he cleared the few asteroids to find an empty void. "HA!" he spat. "Foolish Dib-human! Never again shall you mess with Invader _ZIM_! Eh?" The alien had a moment to blink before he was rammed head on, screaming as the ship spiraled out of control. "GIR! GIR, DO SOMETHING!"

His SIR Unit screeched just as much as his Master, plastered to the seat from the force.

Zim grunted from the sudden whip of a crash into the surface of Mercury, groaning as he sat up, body cracking in several places. "Gir," he croaked.

The robot's dull eyes lit with cyan, and he jumped up, smiling. "Hi!"

"Gir, help me get the systems back online before -!"

The alien squealed in horror as Dib's ship bolted straight for them!

The child grinned wide as he rushed the ship, effectively dislodging it from the planet's bedrock. "What's wrong, Zim?! Is my ship too much for you?!"

The Irken growled, the impact jarring his ship in such a way that rebooted it - the call with the human was reestablished. "Filthy Earth monkey!" he mocked. "You cannot stop an Irken Invader!"

Gir shrieked as the human gave chase. "MARY MAD!"

Zim cringed, turning his dented ship around to once again head in the bright star's direction, heat radiating on his crimson orbs.

"You can't outrun me, Zim! Not with that piece of garbage you call a ship!"

"This 'piece of garbage' is making you eat my space dust!" Zim briefly sneered at the screen. "You don't even know _how_ to work that Irken technology you are sitting in, sad, little Diblet!"

"I know enough to beat you!" The human lifted a brow before he mirrored his expression, wiping a few droplets of sweat from his brow. It was getting hot. Like, unbearably hot. And his preferred attire was not helping! They were getting closer and closer to the star that the Earth depended on – that the _solar system_ depended on, and that stupid alien was trying to blow it up! Accelerate its lifespan to the point of combustion, rendering all life on Earth hopelessly awaiting for critical temperatures! Everyone would be doomed without a beacon of light to guide them!

Dib glared with a newfound determination, typing away on the interactive screens. "Computer! Lock on to that Irken ship and send a jamming signal!" He sneered as the beam fired, hitting on target. "Ha!"

The Irken blinked from the command, furrowing his brow as he puckered his lip. His ship started to drift. He stared down at the analog stick that suddenly failed to respond. "GYAH!" He pressed at the control board over and over, gaze flicking back up to the asteroid belt that the ship was inevitably heading for. He let out a roar of frustration as he ripped the controls out. "YOU STINKING HUMANNN!" he cursed the child just before his vessel inevitably entered the belt, robot giggling uncontrollably.

Dib stopped his ship to watch his enemy go down, space debris pummeling the Voot Cruiser. "Victory for Earth!" He cried. "Enjoy your little field trip, Zim! See ya!" Dib waved to the chaotic screen of Zim's inner ship, ending the call as he turned around, fleeing back home.

* * *

"Man, you should have seen it, Gaz! It was incredible! Tak's ship is working great!" Dib beamed as he continued, "Zim was all like, 'oh no!' and I was like, 'oh yes!' And pow, bam, pow!" he punched the air. "I wonder if he survived," the child blinked, before shrugging. "Oh well."

"Dad's going to ground you after hearing you went out on a skool night," his sister opened a menacing eye to him. She was just enjoying life for once and Dib just had to come home instead of exploding in the Sun or whatever. Her dreams had been crushed.

Dib clicked his tongue, sighing. "Oh, come on, Gaz! The Earth's saviour shouldn't have to worry about that! Heroes don't go to skool in the real world!"

"But you still do," Gaz hissed, trying to contain her rage. Her brother was delusional – obsessive and delusional! Why couldn't he have just stayed out in space?

"Yeah, whatever," the child fixed a lock of hair back into place. "Where is dad anyway?" he asked as he opened their fridge, grabbing a soda by a brown bag containing his skool lunch and popping the can open to take a swig. He exhaled in satisfaction.

"Where do you think?" his sister kept her attention on the game in her clutches. "You know he's hardly home," she scoffed. "And what did I tell you about drinking my soda?" she opened both eyes to glare.

"Uhm.. not to?" Dib scratched the back of his head. "Well, I already drank from it.. Did you _want_ to share my germs?" he offered the can with a knowing smile.

Gaz growled, shoving the soda away from her. "The next time I see you drinking my soda, I will saw your head off and use it as a kickball."

The child made a face as his demonic sister left the kitchen. After a moment, her door slammed upstairs. Well, whatever. He wasn't going to let the foul mood of his sister put him down! After all, he saved the planet once again from that evil, alien monster who had no chance of – !

The child stared up at the window over his sink, eyes wide in disbelief.

Zim was glaring, face pressed against the chilled glass with a toothy sneer.

"How did you-?!" he interrupted himself from realization that the Irken was trying to get in. He immediately reached up to lock it, grinning from the look the alien wore, and he disappeared. Ha! Too easy!

He gasped as he felt his insides jolt, eyeing the front door. He hadn't locked it! The child bolted towards it, turning the lock just in time before his doorknob jiggled furiously.

The Irken growled, pounding and kicking. "Let me in so I may RIP OUT YOUR SPINE THROUGH YOUR HIDEOUSLY-SHAPED FACE!"

"Nuh uh!" Dib held the door knob to quell the struggle. "I already foiled your plans, space monster! Go crawl back to your alien base and whine to your Irken leaders about it! And while you're at it, tell them I said that this planet is protected by me – Earth's saviour, Dib Membrane!" It was only after he had finished rubbing it in that he realized the doorknob had stopped twisting. He blinked at it before leaning up to peer out the peephole.

"Zim?" he called out, searching what he could see of his front yard. The beams of electricity hummed. The Irken was nowhere in sight.

The child puckered his lip in confusion before his eyes shot open from a crash upstairs. "Oh, man!" he cried in realization. His room had a window!

The child rushed forth up the stairs, panting as his heart raced. He felt genuine fear at that moment, knowing he was done for – and he quite liked having his spine in place. Dib froze in the hall from the patch of green and pink in his bedroom doorway.

The Invader was glaring daggers through his head, gloved fingers twitching dangerously. "You sickening pig-beast," Zim snarled, Pak legs emerging. "How DARE you leave Zim to die in the cold vacuum of space!"

"Hey, you started it!" the child pointed, backing up slightly from the alien's advancement above him.

"Be quiet!" came Gaz's muffled yell.

Zim glanced to the Dib-sister's door before refocusing on his nemesis. "You will pay dearly, Dib-beast," he hissed. "Zim shall slice open your ugly, Dib head of Dib and _stuff_ it with snacks for my Tal-! AHH!" the Irken flailed from the splash of carbonation, reeling as he attempted to shake off the acid, mechanical legs stumbling past the human and tripping down the stairwell. He grunted with each step his head smacked before he fell to the first floor, landing in a heap.

"Get out of my house, Zim!" Dib barked, flying down the steps, skipping two and three each time, shaking up his defensive beverage.

The Irken, upside down, widened his eyes to the incoming threat, and he flipped himself with the help of his Pak legs, darting out of the way of heavy boots.

"What's the matter, Zim?!" he taunted. "Don't like Earth soda?" he taunted, going after the alien.

The alien cringed as he found himself cornered in the Dib's kitchen, but reluctant to admit defeat. "Nonsense!" he snapped. "Your inferior, flavoured _Earth_ acid does not intimidate Invader _Zim_!"

Dib narrowed his gaze before jerking the can forward, soda flying.

The Irken gasped, ducking from the trajectory, but unfortunately, liquid was an evil thing that loved to cover a large area when it took flight. He screamed in agony, trying to blend himself into the corner like a chameleon, Pak legs positioned like a threatened spider. "Quit it!" the alien hissed, covering his face to prevent any further damage.

"You're the one who broke into MY house, space boy!" he aimed the can at the Invader's face.

" _Lies!_ " Zim glared from the threat, eyeing the human with much disdain.

He rolled his eyes. "How did you even get back so quick?" Dib narrowed his gaze. "There's no way you could've escaped that asteroid belt in one piece!"

"Foolish _Dib_ -human!" the Irken smacked the can away from him, causing the object to fly. "I am ZIM! The greatest Invader of the Irken Armada! Of course I escaped in one piece! I am amazing," the alien smiled his charming smile.

The child glanced back to where his weapon had flung, eyeing the alien wearily, but forced himself to stay put, scheming. "I suppose so," he immediately agreed, taking a step back towards the fridge. "I mean, I probably couldn't have done it," his mouth twisted into a cringeworthy smile, taking another step.

The disguised alien placed his hands on his hips, proud. "Of course you couldn't! But it was simply a matter of steering the ship out of the gravitational pull, and-" He yelped in fright from the fizz of an opened can, immediately dodging a splatter by diving under the table and crawling out the other side, hissing as he escaped to the living room.

Dib followed after, grinning with pure delight. "I have plenty more in the fridge, Zim! You better run!" he laughed in mockery.

The Irken made a face from the threat, desperately trying to open the door, but the stupid thing was jammed! He immediately retracted his Pak legs to cut through the wood, lasers blasting.

Dib's jaw dropped as the alien disappeared into the night with a gaping hole in his front door. "IT WAS ONLY LOCKED, YOU MORON!" he called after, sighing. "Man.." He fidgeted before simply picking up the cutout and fitting it back into the puzzle, smiling nervously. "I think that's pretty convincing," he lied to himself, the chill of outside seeping in through the cracks. "It's alright, Gaz! I scared the alien away! Earth is safe again!"

"GO TO _BED_ , DIB!"

The child frowned slightly. "Yeah, okay.." He retreated to the stairs, pride welling deep within his chest from a victorious day. Foiled Zim's plans, made it home alive, and even got to make the alien squirm. He bounced his way through the hall, shutting the bathroom door behind him.

* * *

_Beep, beep, beep, beep!_

The child smacked the button on his alarm, immediately getting up to stretch and yawn. Sure, he was tired from the excitement the day before, but he was just as energized from the idea of mocking his nemesis at skool. He raced through his room, gathering all he needed for the day, throwing the many books and issues of _Crop Circles Magazine_ onto his bed, overwhelmingly eager to go to a child's prison.

He hummed to himself as he departed from the dark cave of blues, shutting the bathroom door in a flash.

Gaz peeked out of her room, an annoyed grunt coming from her throat. Her stupid brother always raced to grab the bathroom first. Whatever. She shut her door again to plop back on her bed, diving back into a world where vampires battled deformed pigs. She heard herself growl, and her fingers clutched the console so tight her knuckles turned white. "Stupid Dib," she seethed.

* * *

"Isn't it an amaaazing morning?" He entered the kitchen with an uplifting air, however, his sister's contrasted to it heavily.

"You wasted my soda again," the younger child contained her rage, but it was extremely difficult with that idiotic grin that her brother wore, and she felt herself tremble.

"That wasn't _my_ fault," the human adjusted his glasses as he briefly followed her finger, ants coating the sticky residue by the discarded can. "Zim knocked it out of my hand before I chased him off!" Dib swiped a slice of toast from the plate. "Thanks for making extra, Gaz!" he disappeared into the living room after grabbing his lunch from the fridge.

The purple-haired sibling gritted her teeth, breath shuddering. He contaminated her plate..! She shoved it aside, stewing as she hopped down from the chair, making her way to the front door, slugging her backpack over her shoulder.

Her brother did the same, double-checking that he had everything, smiling. "Well, off to skool!"

"Whatever," Gaz ignored the fact that her older sibling was munching on her buttered breakfast, ready to leave, but her brother insisted on opening the door first. She tried to not notice the trail of ants coming from the hole in their door, mouth twitching.

Dib took another bite as the opened the door to the frosty chill of the early morning, grinning to the outside world. He took a step.

_Splash!_

The child blinked from the sudden rush of something cold drenching him. He looked up to the oversized bucket that was attached to the string he had crossed below. He glared slightly, licking the back of his hands to conclude its content – soda.

Zim!

Gaz chuckled from her brother's misery. She hated both him and his stupid alien friend, but if she had to choose..

The child stepped around Dib, having lost her patience. "Bye."

"Gyah!" The young paranormal investigator shivered, scowling. Oh, was he going to get that alien pest back! ..Right after another shower.

* * *

"So, the plot of Poe's _The Cask of Amontillado_ clearly shows how the character fell right into his doom," the teacher drawled, the start of a potentially meaningful lesson tarnished once again. "Doomed, doomed, doomed..."

The Invader's eye involuntarily twitched. They had just read that _entire_ play this whole past week for _this_? He had to SPEAK as his part of Mont-whatshisname just to be bored to death? He almost wished he were rotting behind that brick wall himself.

The door quickly opened and shut, a grin immediately plastering itself on the alien's face from the arrival of his entertainment.

"Dib, you're late for the sixty-second time this school year," Miss Bitters snapped, the class turning their heads to the child. "How many times do you intend to test my patience?" she hissed, fingers curling up in her looming fists.

"Sorry," the child panted, not even bothering to give an explanation at this point as he simply waltzed to his desk, drooping into his seat by the window.

The alien observed, quite pleased with his enemy's state. He folded his hands atop his desk like a model student, leering with pride.

Dib snatched out his textbook, turning to the proper page from context clues, sending a glare across the classroom as he did so. The child desperately wanted to slap that smirk off of the Irken's face and crush it under his foot. He was so going to get it..!

The child sneered back through the lesson as his mischievous mind wandered here and there, scheming his way to sweet revenge.

* * *

"Hey, Zim, how did that asteroid belt feel?" the child asked casually, a dark tone evident, paper in hand as he sat down across from the green child.

Dib was the only one who ever sat at his arts and crafts table. Well, besides Keef, but he had banned the child from going near him. "Like a piece of filthy Earth pie, stupid thing," he fibbed.

"You mean cake," Dib blinked before smiling, showing his watercolour painting. "Like it?"

The alien eyed the drawing of himself split into two, insides strewn. "Hmph," he scoffed as the child clawed the air towards him with fingertips coated in red, a creepy grin stretching his lips. "Funny, I had a similar idea," the Irken smirked as he presented his own, revealing the amateur, but quite graphic painting of the human stabbed straight through the head with an Irken flag, himself being the one stabbing.

But the blood was.. pink. "Real nice, space boy," Dib stuck his tongue out. "Your artistic skills are even worse than your flying. And you got the colour wrong, by the way."

Zim mirrored him. "Yours is not any better, Dib-stink. Irken blood is not _red_ ," he sneered. "What a _filthy_ colour that is for blood."

"Well, _pink_ blood is just stupid," the child snapped back. "Wait – you mean to tell me that your blood is _pink_?" he mocked, putting two and two together.

"Eh?" The Irken blinked before scowling, thrusting his paintbrush forward. "YOU LIE!"

"Miss Bitters..!" Zita warned.

Their scary teacher sighed, stepping through the desks to the back, glaring at the two enemies. "Enough! If I hear another sound from either of your rotten, children mouths, then-!"

The Irken hissed from a sudden kick, glaring at the child across from him, who looked away innocently.

Miss Bitters growled deeply, looming over him.

"It wasn't Zim," he attempted, puffing his cheeks from the piercing glower.

* * *

He felt a permanent scowl etched into his face. His hand was cramping from writing this stupid expression over and over on this filthy chalkboard, occasionally drawing a dead Dib to break up the monotonous air. The ticking of the clock was quite deafening above him, the Irken eyeing it. It was nearly four! He hissed to himself before he noticed Miss Bitters' movement of irritation, and he continued to write, twitching.

"Go home, you worthless child," she finally snapped. "If I did not appreciate your collective interest in the doom of us all, I would have sent you to the Underground Classrooms the first day that you arrived to this hopelessly horrible skool," she growled. "Now get out of my sight!"

"Yes, Miss Bitters," he saluted, thankful to put the stub of chalk down in its holder, exhaling with relief as he exited the class. That stupid _Dib_ -human. Always making his life more difficult, that evil child..! Why, give him a few minutes with that human in a teleporter ring, and he'd-!

"Zim," the child was waiting for him on the bottom step.

"Dib," the Irken spat. "Did you like Zim's gift this morning?" he sneered, scanning their surroundings for life.

"Ha, ha. Very funny," his nemesis snorted. "Luckily for me, my skin doesn't _burn_ when it comes into contact with anything water. Seriously, Zim, you chose the worst planet possible."

"Yes, because it has YOUR _filthy_ head all over it," the alien jumped down a step, freezing from the human doing just the opposite. He glared, hissing. "Stupid _human_ , I do not have time for your ugly face today," he sneered in disgust.

"You're just mad that I _beat_ you yesterday, alien," he mirrored, blocking the Irken from stepping around him.

Zim blinked hard. "You did not beat Zim! I merely, err- caused a distraction! Yesss, from my REAL plan to – err – distract you! So, HA! Zim wins!"

"That doesn't even make sense," Dib crossed his arms, deadpanning. "Distract me from what?"

"Precisely!" The Irken beamed. "Doesn't it just _eat_ at your FILTHY curiosity?"

The human tapped his fingers against his arm. "You don't have another plan! You're just a sore loser, like always!" the child stuck his tongue out.

"Nonsense! I have devised an OH so amazing scheme to destroy your dear planet, Dib-filth, and you were too busy chasing me to realize my true intentions! AHA! Stupid, gullible _Dib_!" He squeaked as his nemesis let out a war cry and pounced, the Irken quickly escaping the attack to jump the rest of the stairwell. He darted off as quickly as his legs could carry him.

"You horrible, alien monster!" Dib hissed. "Just wait 'til I get my hands on you-!"

"Ha! You'll never take me alive!" Zim cackled, pulse racing with adrenaline. "Good luck keeping up on those stubby things you call LEGS, wretched _Dib_ - _pig_!"

"HEY! _Your_ legs are just as stubby as mine! I mean-! Gyah! _Shut up_!" He forced himself to go faster, unable to fight the grin that tore his lips apart, very much enjoying the chase. He lived for this. Craved it. Died for it. He couldn't wait to crush the alien's smirking face between his fingers..!

He gasped as the alien blindly ran into the open road, cringing. "ZIM!" he cried, ready to leap with that car coming so close, it was gonna-!

He watched in awe, frozen to the spot as a swatch of red and black tumbled with the alien on the other side of the road, car swerving and screeching, traffic hysterical. He stared past the quick movements of vehicles to the scene so far from him. Who was that?

The Irken stared up at the pale child, the thing paler than the Dib-human, if that was even possible. It had ridiculously tall, red hair – some sort of living, black fabric accompanying it. Why, that filthy weasel-!

"HOW _DARE_ you lay your _fffFILTHY_ hands on ZIM! Stupid, deformed Earth child!" The Irken sneered at the creature before dashing off. Stupid thing, pushing Zim! Revolting, little worm!

Dib finally passed through the intersection when he had a chance, briefly skidding to a stop to observe the child who had saved the alien, blinking. Wow, that kid had a strange fashion sense. Halloween was over two months ago! He studied the child for a few moments more, unable to make out the shadowed eyes. Well, whatever. He's seen weirder. He had an alien to catch! The child grinned as he took off in Zim's direction.

The pale child narrowed an eye after the retreating human. What.. just.. happened? See, this is why he did not go out in public. It just _had_ to be him, didn't it? The universe seemed to love pulling cruel jokes on him, because he could have sworn that he just saved an alien from being smashed by a car. But, you know, he's seen some _weird_ stuff.. Like, _weird_ weird stuff.. But never like.. alien stuff.

Regardless, that child with the odd hair spike did not look too friendly. He blinked, hesitating on the street corner before redirecting his aimless wandering to a more purposeful destination, cloak dragging behind him.

* * *

The Irken panted heavily, grinning as he glanced back. No sign of the Dib-human anywhere. Ha! That foolish pig-beast could not even keep up, the stupid th-! "Gyah!" The alien slowed to a stop, surprised to see the child standing in the gap of fence on his property. "How did you get here so quickly?! I lost you blocks back!"

"Shortcut," the child smirked. "And now I've got you, _alien_ , so tell me this 'plan' that you claim to have distracted me from!"

"Or else _what_?" Zim scoffed. "You're going to _stand_ there all night?"

"I'll do what I have to to defend the human race from the evil likes of _you_!" He placed his fists on his hips heroically. "No matter what it takes, space boy, I'll be there – watching your every move! _Even_ when you're doing nothing, I'll be doing – uhm – something! Yeah!"

The Invader stared at his nemesis, almost disbelieving, but if he knew Dib well enough, and he certainly did - then he would know that the child was not fibbing in the slightest. "Well, err, yes, that is all very swell, Dib-beast, but I do have some business to attend to, so if you would not mind scurrying back to your little pig nest-"

"No way!" The child pushed him away from the safety of his base. "I finally have you right where I want you, so we're playing by _my_ rules, s-space- space-!"

The alien furrowed his brow from the stuttering child, following his line of vision.

That black-wearing thing again! Standing on the sidewalk just before the cul-de-sac entrance. Watching.

"What the..?" Dib cringed slightly. Man, that's creepy. He, himself, was not used to being stalked. So, this, well.. it was quite frightening. His father had warned him and Gaz about suspicious persons on street corners. "Zim," he felt a chill. "Can we, uh.. go inside?"

" _What_?!" The alien glared back at the human, but he could not deny the shared feeling of dread. "You're insane, Earth boy! Go back to your own disgusting Dib-dwelling! Let Zim pass before I sic _Gir_ on your gargantuan head!"

Dib felt his breath become shallow from the thing's movement. It was starting to walk into the cul-de-sac. "Zim, come on! I won't do anything, I swear! You can even lock me in a freaky alien chamber, I don't care! Well - maybe not that, but – agh!" He whipped around to bolt to the Men's door he had broken into one too many times.

"Welcome home, son!"

The Irken yelped as the child pushed right through his security. "Get out of my base, Dib-stink! You're going to let in all the _germs_!" he cringed, chasing the child through the doorway, only to find his enemy crouched under his window to the left. "What are you doing?!" Zim demanded. "Get out of my-!"

"Shh!" The child grabbed him in a panic, slamming the door and hiding back beneath the windowsill.

"Get your _filthy_ Dib hands of Dib-smell off of Zim!" He fought, growling as he wrestled the grip.

"Zim, for once in your life, shut up!" The human begged before peeking through the glass.

The Irken Invader glared, hissing. "You evil, little -!" His mouth twitched from another hush, and his antennae squirmed beneath the wig. He slowly leaned up to join the human in gazing out the glass.

The thing was standing where Dib had blocked the alien from entering the front yard, studying the lawn and house.

"What on Earth _is_ that thing?" Dib whispered.

The Invader scowled. "Foolish human, he is just another child as sadly misshapen as you!"

"Keep it down! Geez, Zim!" the child snapped, glancing back to their stalker, amber meeting dark abysses. "Gyah!" He yanked the Irken down with him to hide, making certain that his hair was not in view.

"If you touch Zim one more time with those _filthy_ hands of yours, _I'll_ -!"

"SHH!"

The child blinked up at the green and purple house, which was not necessarily odd, but there _was_ a ridiculously-sized satellite protruding from the roof. Then again, houses today _always_ had satellites, so it probably didn't matter. Maybe the resident just liked oversized things. What gave it away was not the odd lawn ornaments, or even the "I ❤ Earth" sign – which was pretty suspicious within itself, unless he was some tree hugger or whatever – but no, it was the wires that were embedded in the walls of the apartment complexes on either side of the eccentric property. An alien? Or just some whackjob?

He puckered his cracked lip from the eyes on him in the window that had disappeared as quickly as they came. Well, only one way to find out..

He built up the courage, which took him several minutes, before he stepped up to the door, hands shaking as he forced himself to ring the doorbell.

Dib jolted from the dreaded sound, tense. "Go answer it!"

" _YOU_ go answer it!" Zim hissed back. "You wished to be in my base so badly, so _you_ deal with this foolish creature!" He shoved the child towards the door.

"It's _your_ base regardless!" His enemy argued, snagging the Irken's wrist to switch their places.

"Pathetic Dib-beast!" The alien growled as he stomped to the door, twisting the knob.

The pale child's anxiety hit the roof from a response he was not mentally prepared for.

"Who are you?!" the alien snapped. "What do you want from Zim, _disgusting_ worm-baby?! Begone with you!"

Dib blinked as his enemy slammed the door immediately. "Geez, Zim, you didn't even let the thing talk!"

"Zim does not care!" he snarled, though completely contradicting his words by whipping the door back open with a widened eye of suspicion. "I demand to know who you are! Speak or forever hold your tail between your eyes!"

Dib facepalmed.

The child in black and purple furrowed his brow. "What?" He stood there, trying to process.

"Okay, 'WHAT'. Begone with you before I twist your legs around that vile hair of yours!" He slammed the door once again.

The pale creature was frozen to the spot, mouth failing to utter words. This house was certainly fitting for the child who lived in it! There was shouting beyond the door, some type of struggle, and -

He swallowed as the door opened again.

"I can handle this!" The child with glasses reassured both the alien and himself before taking a breath and making eye contact with the stranger. It was mere moments before he flailed in excitement. "Wow! You're a-! A - A-!"

The dark-eyed creature squinted from the babbling child. The one who had chased that green kid back here. If they were so hostile towards each other, then why was he..?

"Oh, man!" Dib grinned, whipping out his trusted camera. "Can I get a picture?! Will you show up on film?!"

"Out of the way!" The Irken shoved his enemy aside, opening the door further to glare. "I do not know who you think you are, ' _WHAT',_ but you are not welcome on Zim's property, _now leave_!" he fought the human who was desperately trying to get a good shot.

The child tilted his head, glancing to the one in glasses. "Are you two friends?"

The alien glowered from his disregarded warning, and both enemies dropped what they were doing.

"Ew! No way!" Dib suddenly refused to touch the Irken, scowling.

The alien stuck his tongue out in displeasure. "Why does it matter? Remove yourself or I will blast off that filthy, red mop of yours! I mean it!" He leaned with a dangerous eye.

The creature's face twisted, dark gaze fixated on the pink-tinged teeth and crimson, segmented tongue. Wow, if this really _was_ an alien, he was _really_ bad at blending in. So bad, in fact, that he tried to come up with another explanation for his appearance, but thoughts failed him. "Are you an alien?" he finally forced out.

"LIES! YOU LIE, LYING BEAST OF HAIR, ALL LIES!"

The pale child had to keep himself anchored from the blast of sound, hair drooping.

Dib took the opportunity, however, crying out, "He _is_ an alien! Finally, someone else who's not completely stupid!"

"HE LIES!" The Irken roared, pointing to his nemesis. "THE EARTH BOY LIES! ALWAYS LYING, THAT DIRT CHILD!"

"Somehow, I don't believe that," the pale child's face scrunched from the scowl. "Look, I'm not saying it's bad, I was just -"

" _GNOMES_!" the alien barked. "Destroy the intruder! Make his miserable ending as painful as you can muster!"

"NO!" Dib shoved the alien, diving to roll with his possible companion down the sidewalk, skillfully avoiding the lasers that the lawn ornaments fired.

The child in cloak grunted from the impact, dazed as he was yanked up and led away from the site.

The Irken growled. "Stupid Dib-beast!" his voice cracked, slamming the door once again. "How _DARE_ he get in the way of my destroying!"

"But he.. a _lways_ gets in the way of your destroying."

"Silence!" the Irken hushed his computer, tapping at his lip. "This is not good. The Dib has yet another ally to try and stop me from my amazing plans! What is _with_ that human and making so many allies?!"

"Well, everyone _you've_ ever tried to befriend, you either scared them away or shot them into space."

"BE QUIET!" Zim hissed. "What am I paying you for?!"

The computer sighed, deciding to let it go. "I don't think you have much to worry about."

"Nonsense! Those two filth slugs will be planning my downfall the moment they get back to the Dib's house!"

"Where do you even pull these insults from?"

"I have to act quickly," the alien continued, glancing here and there. "If this thing with freakish hair truly wishes to destroy me as much as the Dib does, then so be it! I can take on two Dibs! One is just pathetic, but two is even more!" His confidence sagged as he bit his lip, starting to pace. "Two Dibs equals twice the challenge. Twice the pain! Twice the victory!" he ranted.

"But.. Zim, that.. thing didn't even show any interest in working with the Earth child at all.."

"Computer, you just do not realize how ingenious I truly am! I can see through ALL forming alliances with that filthy hog-beast, and this is no different!"

"But-"

"Computer!" the alien snapped again, "I have heard enough of your oblivious assumptions! Quit your useless speaking and take me down to the Room of Dastardly Scheme-making!"

The Irken technology huffed, but nonetheless complied with his Master's wishes, opening the floor for the bossy alien to descend.

* * *

"So, you're seriously not making this up? You really _are_ a vampire?" Dib observed the child that was paler than even him. Wow, how was that possible? "Those aren't contact lenses, are they?"

"No," the creature was also studying, just.. not making it as obvious. This child was quite straightforward.

"Can I see?" Dib quite rudely approached in a way that the vampire was not at all comfortable with, the creature freezing. The human grabbed the paler child's face of smudged eyeliner, finger pulling a lid down as he came close. "Wow! Do all vampires have this? Can you see better than humans can? Is that makeup? Or maybe ectoplasm? Can you turn into a bat? Do you actually drink blood?" The child frowned slightly from noticing the other's discomfort. "Sorry," he took a step back. "Uhm – I'm Dib, by the way."

"Zephyr," the vampire squinted from having been bombarded. "You certainly like your paranormal," he studied his nails as he walked on, unimpressed with the questions. "Chasing aliens and all that," he tried as casually as he could, but the curiosity was punching him in the gut.

Dib followed, observing every detail and mannerism of the creature before him. "Well, I'm a paranormal investigator, after all. Gotta get that evidence to show to the public I'm not insane, ya know?"

The vampire felt his fingers curl slightly from that. "You're an investigator?" he eyed the child with suspicion. "Then why aren't you trying to kill me or whatever?"

The human widened an eye. "That's not what paranormal investigation is about. You don't _kill_ your findings, you just solve mysteries, and.. uhm.. Stuff. But Zim on the other hand-"

"Zim?" the creature tried on his tongue.

"The alien," Dib confirmed. "He's evil and he's trying to take over the planet! I can't let him run free like I do my other discoveries!" The child frowned, shoulders dropping. "But everyone is so blind and can't see him for what he truly is! No one ever believes me! I've tried everything! Pictures, videos, exposing him, even dramatic reenactments, but there's just NOTHING that I can get through to these people with! _Not one thing_! All they do is call me crazy! _I'm_ not crazy!" He clenched his fists, head bursting in flames, "They're crazy! Every last one of them! Soon everyone will be sorry for what they've done to me throughout my whole childhood! Once I expose that alien monster to the world and stop his Irken army from invading the Earth, they'll _all_ be sorry! They'll be sorry about every last insult they ever threw at me for calling me crazy, for my 'obsessions', for the size of my head!" He burst out into evil laughter. "They'll all see!"

Zephyr blinked, not exactly knowing how to respond. Yup. One hundred percent perfectly sane child. Nothing out of the ordinary here. " _Ooo_ kay.." He scratched at his head before smiling almost nervously. "I have an idea. How about you go that way.. and I go this way."

"What?" Dib frowned, glancing off in the basic direction the vampire was trying to go. "You're not going to help me?"

"Look, Dib, you seem.. uhm.. nice and all, but I hardly know you," Zephyr narrowed an eye. "So, I'd rather not go to.. wherever you might live," he worded carefully. He hasn't actually interacted like this with another living – err – moving being in quite a few years. He even surprised himself that he could process so well after all this time.

"Wait!" the child called after him, catching up to tug on the collar of the vampire's cloak that miraculously stayed glued to his person.

The pale creature hissed slightly from the contact, whipping around, fabric following. "What?!"

"Please don't go!" Dib begged, holding his hand out. " _Please_ , I need help to defeat Zim and you're the only other one who sees through his evil ways! That, and, well, it would be super cool to have a vampire around."

Zephyr sighed, hair failing to stand up its full length. "I'm not very good with people," he bluntly put.

"Neither am I," Dib fumbled for persuasion, "see? We have a lot in common already."

The vampire blinked at him, studying wearily. He was just a kid, right? Not some psychopath. He was just infatuated with the supernatural. Nothing to worry about. Zephyr fidgeted before eyeing him again. "Do you promise not to do anything to me?"

"What, you mean like garlic and wooden stakes? Well, I have them, but I won't use them on you. Promise. Unless you try to attack me, of course."

Zephyr allowed himself an amused smirk, mouth contorting in awkward ways. That stuff didn't actually work. Or rather, not on him. Maybe other vampires? Err – regardless.. "Then fine."

"Huh?"

He deadpanned. "What were we just talking about?"

"You'll go with me?" Dib's eyes sparkled.

"Yes," the vampire cringed from the expression, awkwardly glancing around from the long pause. "Well? Where do you live, then?"

The child squeaked with excitement, taking the vampire's wrist and dashing.

Zephyr grunted from the pull, cloak flying behind him as he tried to keep up. Curse this child and the exercise!

* * *

"GIR!" came the echo.

"ME!" the SIR unit chortled hysterically, running through the base halls, grabbing his favourite stuffed toy and placing it on his head.

"GIR!" his Master called for the third time. Or the fourth? Or seventh? What are numbers? "GIR, COME HERE THIS INSTANT!"

"Okay!" Gir squealed, skipping down the hall towards the Irken's voice, but as soon as he reached the door, he tripped!

"Gir! Quit playing and get over here! I need your help to test my new amAAAzing plan for ridding myself of the Dib and his _hideous_ new ally!"

"Oooo," the robot picked himself up and his toy, running full speed as he giggled.

"Ngh!" Zim grunted from the impact, glaring down at his SIR unit. "I despise you," he reminded his slave, who simply smiled back adoringly. The Irken sneered from it. "Now get up and hold this while I-!"

"I like you," Gir clutched his master's leg, slobbering all over the leggings.

"GYAH! GIR, THAT'S DISGUSTING!" He shook his robot off of him, kicking him away. "Forget it! Go back up to the house to watch for any intruders! _Now_ , Gir! Time is snacks!"

"Snacks!" The robot squealed, running in circles before he retrieved his stuffed pig, holding it close to his chest and racing back out, an orchestra of sounds emanating from the robot's mouth.

The Irken sighed, antennae flattened in irritation.

* * *

"-and he has this weird thing on his back that I'm still not sure exactly what it's used for – not entirely – but all I know is that it contains these weird leg things and gadgets. Sort of like a storage pod, maybe, or something more... s _inister_.."

The vampire eyed the diagram throughout the child's speech. He didn't mind much that he couldn't get a word in. After all, he was quiet in general - He was more than happy to just sit there and listen to the human rant away.

"That's enough of the outside. Although, it _is_ pretty neat." The presentation screen flickered – the same presentation that he put together for the Swollen Eyeball, but never got around to show them yet.

Zephyr narrowed an eye as he was shown the organs of this alien being. So – wait. They had technology to see through someone's body now? Since when?

"This is a snapshot I took with my old X-scope." He used the pointer stick as he explained. "I discovered that Zim's race only has two organs. A brain, of course, and some sort of super organ! It looks like a bunch of ours crushed together really, but it's clearly missing some things." He pointed down below. "One of the most obvious is a large intestine, which is kind of weird, but I figured, maybe his race doesn't excrete like we do. After all, I've never come across anything remotely like it. He also seems to have that thing on his back connected directly to his spine."

The vampire tilted his head, finally opening his mouth. "Does he eat?"

"Yes! And that's what makes it weird! I mean, it has to go somewhere! It can't just vanish!" He slapped the screen with the stick in frustration. "One day, I'll uncover everything about that alien scum! Everything I ever wanted to know!"

Zephyr made a face, feeling his skin start to crawl as he swiveled in the child's seat at the desk, cautious of what he touched. "So, uhm, what exactly is he planning to do again?"

"HE'S TRYING TO ENSLAVE US ALL!"

The creature jolted back from the burst, cloak whipping with him.

Dib suddenly calmed. "But now that I have help, we can put a stop to his reign of alien terror," he leered at the thought. "I just need to think of a good enough plan to finally expose him for the horrible monster that he is!" His fists lowered. "But I just can't seem to get him, you know? He always seems to be one step ahead, and avoids all my traps! And even if he _does_ fall for one, he always ends up escaping it! It's insane!"

"Well.." Zephyr tapped at his lip. If this kid had already tried everything, then what help was _he_? He's never tried to catch an alien before. The thought had never even occurred to him. "Have you tried luring him with something?"

"Tried it. Didn't work."

"Why not?"

"Some other stupid race of aliens came and interrupted my plans! They stole my evidence _and_ my ally!"

"Then... uhm.. Did you report him to the-?"

"FBI? They never believe me about anything," Dib crossed his arms, biting his cheek as he glanced away. "I've been contacting them for years and all they do is laugh at me!"

Zephyr found himself chewing on his lip, tapping at the chair. "Uhm, no offense, but it seems impossible, then. Unless you were to physically capture him, then-"

"I've been trying!" Dib sighed in exasperation. "He always gets away, no matter what I do! Sometimes I think this universe is against me, you know? Just watching over me and laughing. Anything I ever try to do never works and I just get ridiculed over it. My own dad doesn't even believe me!"

"Mn." Zephyr propped his head up, a frown evident. How ironic that the human had spoken his own suspicions out in the open. Perhaps they did have much in common. Then again, he was not chasing after the paranormal or constantly dealing with the public like this child. "Perhaps you just need someone to help.. capture him?"

The child in trenchcoat tilted his head. "Maybe." He immediately eyed the vampire. "Wait. You're a superhuman, right?"

"Uhm, I wouldn't say super-"

"Then maybe you can help me grab him! Zim's never really gone up against a vampire before, I mean, as far as I know.. So maybe you're exactly what I've needed to help me defeat him once and for all!"

"Ah.. I'm not really certain if I can-"

"It'll be great!" Dib obliviously went on. "I can't wait to see the look on that cowering insect's face when he's jumped by an enemy he's never faced before! Alien VS vampire! And I can record it all on tape, too! This is going to be great!" He jumped with incredible excitement before he eyed his blaring alarm clock, the time nearing three AM. He should probably get to bed, his conscience reasoned, but the child was far too infatuated with his current situation that he did not dare think about sleep, or the skool he had to attend that same morning. "Let's get back to the slides, shall we?"

Zephyr only stared in discomfort. Was this kid seriously asking him to go up against an alien? An _evil_ alien that was trying to conquer the planet? One with access to weapons and technology that bewildered him, and physically _attack_ him, when he's avoided all contact with intelligent life for the past few decades? He's never been in a fist fight before! He was so screwed!

The vampire tried to keep himself under control as he learned about the alien – the _Irken_ , Dib had said – absorbing everything he could to better prepare himself for what was to come.

* * *

The Irken's mouth twisted with pure disgust at the tray before him. Why did he even try with the cafeteria food anymore? The alien lifted his gaze to children who were devouring it like it was nothing!

Zim inhaled deeply, lid twitching as he lifted the spoonful of mystery goo, gag reflex immediately hissing. The Invader was frozen, mouth quivering. _No_! He smacked the spoon down, bits flying. He will not deal with this filth any longer! The Dib doesn't eat it, or his creepy sister! So why should he?

The Irken shoved the abomination away from his person, just in time to splatter the child in glasses.

Dib blinked, wiping it away with his sleeve. "I'm going to pretend that never happened."

"What do _you_ want, stink beast? Can you not tell that ZIM is too busy for the likes of _you_?!"

"Uh, no. All I see is an _alien_ rejecting perfectly normal Earth food." The human crossed his arms with an all knowing smirk. "And I just wanted to let you know that Zephyr and I are planning _your_ downfall."

"Zephyr?" the Irken puffed his chest in retaliation. What a stupid name that was! Zephyr, pfft. Irken babies could come up with better names!

"Yeah," Dib sneered. "That's his name. Doesn't it strike _fear_ in that alien heart of yours?"

"Not even in the slightest," the Irken spat. "I fail to see how this 'ally' of yours could ever cause such a thing for a mighty Irken of the Elite."

"Well," Dib looked around before smirking back at him. "He's something you've never battled before, Zim! A vampire is a supernatural being that drains its victims of all life force," he leered, wiggling his claws. "There's no way you can beat something so powerful!"

"Ahem. And, err.. How exactly do you destroy this.. 'vampire'?" The Irken blinked.

Dib stared before bursting out in maniacal laughter.

Zim felt his irritation rise. It was a genuine question, and the stupid human was just laughing..!

The child got ahold of himself after nearly three minutes, out of breath, tears in his eyes. "Like I'd ever tell my _enemy_ how to defeat me!" he snarled. "You must think I'm stupid!"

"Correction, Dib-beast: I think you are _very_ stupid," the Irken grinned.

Dib glared at him until the bell rang, standing. "Whatever, space boy, you better just be on your guard," he accused, pointing, "because we'll be there when you least expect it! Taking you down together – Human and vampire against alien menace!"

"You're crazy," a child mumbled as he stepped by.

Dib ignored it, or, well, tried to.. and leered back at the Irken as he followed out the doors. "Then I'll finally have a comeback on Mysterious Mysteries! It will be the highlight of the season!"

The alien scowled from one of the many infamous rants of his nemesis. "I do not care for your filthy television shows, puny worm," he snapped, the chill of the season flooding his senses as he marched down the steps into the skool courtyard. "And who says Zim will _not_ be able to handle this Zephyr creature? I would have already annihilated him if _your_ stupid head did not get in the way."

"And I'll _still_ be in the way, Zim!" Dib placed his fists on his hips. "You might as well call off the invasion _now_ , _Irken,_ because soon enough, you'll be in a lab, awaiting your final moments under a shiny scalpel!"

Zim sat at the bench, turned away from the bothersome human with a glare. He watched the children on the playground, laughing and pushing each other on the swings..

"Are you even listening to me?!" The human snapped, standing up on the tabletop, looming. "He's gonna get you!"

The alien whipped around and stumbled from the sudden burst of a hiss. He stared hard at the child in his delighted laughter. Zim clenched his fists from the fright. "Stupid human! I do not care how tall he is, he is a mere creature who can just as easily be taken down as this pathetic speck of a planet!"

Dib dropped the act slightly. "He's our height, you jerk."

"Nonsense!" The alien ditched the contaminated-with-Dib area, stepping right through an active hopscotch game, knocking a child over in doing so.

The female proceeded to make a ruckus from her lost footing, tears flying.

The Irken approached the abandoned play site, grabbing the ball and shooting a sinister grin back at his nemesis, invitation heavy in the air.

Dib bit his cheek and crossed his arms. Stupid alien. Is he challenging _him_ at a game of Tetherball? Hasn't he learned yet? The child had to smirk, jumping down from the bench and making his way to the abandoned game. No one else has touched it since they started finding interest in it. The pole remained untouched, that is, until they came back to it, time and time again. "You just can't appreciate the supernatural forces like I can," the human mocked, smacking the ball around harder than it had been dished to him.

The Irken whipped it faster upon contact. "There are many creatures out there that I have dealt with, Dib-worm. Creatures your puny, little brain could not even begin to comprehend! This 'vampire' thing does not worry me in the slightest."

"Well, you _should_ worry, because the big difference between _me_ and those alien monsters you fight is that _I_ know your every weakness!" He hit the object once, twice, three times, not giving the Irken a chance to retaliate. "No one else! Just me! Paranormal Investigator, Dib Membrane!"

The alien cringed from the speed, ducking.

The child gasped just before the ball thwacked him upside the head, body thrown to the ground.

He groaned from the disorientation, slowly opening his eyes to a blur of green and pink standing above him.

The Irken stared down at his nemesis, an evil grin plastered on his lips.

Dib glared at him, then at the hand being held out, grabbing it to pull himself up with a harsh tug. He swiped his offered glasses as well. "That didn't happen."

"Of course it didn't," the alien sneered. "And while you play around with this silly vampire of yours, _Dib_ , _I_ will be wiping the Earth clean of the human race!" Zim cackled in his rival's face for a while before he slowly caught on to the human's silence, eyes widening from the stares around them. "Err.. Ehm..! I mean..!" The Irken fumbled for words, quickly moving closer to the child, grabbing the trench coat and wrapping himself in it, wearing his fake smile. "To clean the Earth of all of its filth! Yes! Err- FOR the human race!" He looked around nervously. "I'm normal!"

Dib eyed the dispersing children with a disbelieving huff, rolling his eyes. "You know," he went on as if his enemy were not sharing his coat, "bursting out into rants like that are eventually going to come back to bite you." He imitated a hiss, fingers clawing. "Like a vampire."

The Invader scoffed, putting space between them. "Don't be ridiculous, pig-beast. I am more than prepared to face yet another challenge, if I can even call it that."

"Oh, it's a challenge, alright!" Dib pointed through the bell. "You'll see just how dangerous vampires really are, Zim! Just you wait!" he called after, sneering.

* * *

The Irken sighed as he made his way down the sidewalk, relieved that the human had gone straight home. "Stupid Dib-human with his parafoolery," he hissed quietly. "Vampire this and that and PAH! Zim does not need to worry! Something with hair as ugly as his cannot _possibly_ be a threat to my mission! Impossible!" The alien eyed his surroundings in sudden paranoia. "Threat or not, that filthy vampire will be out of my way after my latest, most ingenious plan to rid myself of the DIB!"

"Heya, buddy!"

"GYAHH!" The alien jumped into the nearby bush immediately upon the voice. "Keef!" he hissed in accusation. "How DARE you sneak up on an Irken Invader!"

"I just wanted to say hi," Keef smiled his usual smile. "Are you heading home?"

"What's it to _you_?" The Irken snapped at one of his many enemies, straightening his uniform out and marching again. "I do not care how much my robot likes you, filthy worm! You are not welcome in the house of Zim! Your restraining order is still active!"

The child simply smiled through the outburst. "It's okay, Zim. I know you're upset with me. I just thought you would want to know what Dib has been up to!"

"Dib?" The Irken eyed the child, stopping. "How do _you_ know about what that filthy Earth child is doing?"

"Well, I pass by his house sometimes," the redhead looked away before grinning again. "And he has a new buddy for us to play with! Isn't that so neat?! We'll all go to the movies! We'll have sleepovers and play Chicken! We'll spend Valentine's Day together! It'll be so much fun!"

Zim scowled, eye starting to twitch. "I am far too busy for such inferior activities, but.." The Irken rubbed at his chin. "What exactly have they been doing.. _friend_?" he played along, watching carefully.

Keef shrugged. "Just talking. Reading things. Not really sure what about. Hey, can I come over? We can play truth or dare," he proposed, beaming.

"NEVER!" the alien hissed, leaving him behind in his race to get home.

"Uh, okay, Zim! See you at skool tomorrow!" The child watched his friend leave before brushing off the rejection and continuing on his way.

* * *

"You ready to go?" Dib zipped up the bag of equipment he may need. Cuffs, X-scope, an inflatable decoy of Gir – anything that would come in handy. "Oh man, this is so exciting! I can't wait for the media to cover this!" he leered, imagination churning.

Zephyr, however, had no weapons of the sort, furrowing his brow. "Don't you think we're moving a bit too quickly? I just met you yesterday and we're already putting your plan into motion." He followed into the kitchen where the human was currently packing away soda cans.

"The world doesn't have time to wait! We either do it now, or we allow that space monster to run free another day! Another minute!"

The purple-headed child stepped into the kitchen, opening an eye to yet another stranger in their kitchen. "Who's that?" She did not lift her fingers from the buttons.

"Gaz, this is Zephyr. He's a vampire and he's going to help me defeat Zim once and for all! We're going to his base to go capture him! Wish me luck!"

Gaz only glared at her brother as the child ran out, eyeing Zephyr with just as much venom. "I hope Zim tears out yours _and_ my brother's eyeballs and sells them on the internet so I can buy them and hang them as decorations over my bed."

"Uhm," Zephyr blinked, slowly glancing away. He immediately fled the kitchen to follow the child, the door slamming behind them.

The child smirked, stepping to the fridge to retrieve a beverage. Her jaw dropped from over half of her soda supply missing, and she growled. " _DIB!_ "

* * *

The human shook the can, fizzing it up. "He's found a way to avoid water for the most part, but carbonated beverages like soda eats through the layer of paste that he uses to protect himself."

Zephyr absorbed the information, watching the brightly-coloured house in its stillness. "Dib, uhm.. I'm not too sure about this."

"Oh, come on, it'll be fine! We stick with the plan. We break in, rush his security, get past his evil robot dog thing, and then -!"

"DIB!"

The human's head whipped around to the alien in the doorway, eyes wide.

"I see you have brought company," the Irken smirked, gripping a long, tube-like object that disappeared back into the house.

"Well, duh," Dib snapped back. "And is that a _vacuum_ cleaner?"

"LIES!" Zim stared suspiciously. "I created this _inGEEENious_ device to drain your _disGUSTing_ bodies of all vital fluids," he grinned wide. "Now witness your fluids draining! _GIR_!"

On command with an excited robotic squeal, a loud humming consumed the air, the Irken gripping tightly to keep the powerful sucking under control.

Dib held onto the fence with all of his might, hair straining in the opposite direction. "Gyah!" He felt his fingers slipping quick. "Zephyr! Gyck-! Do something!"

The vampire blinked through his fight to cling on as well, cloak and hair trying to make him release his hold. He immediately eyed that stationary flag pole, kicking it the best he could to dislodge it.

The alien gasped in horror as the lawn ornament flew at him, the flagpole catching in his contraption. The Invader cried out from the sparks, whipping the hose a safe distance away – from him.

Gir screamed, wrestling with the monster and rolling with it, laughing all the while. "It got me! _IT GOT ME!_ "

"GIR! Dispose of it, _NOW_ , GIR!" he cried, frantic as the robot simply played. " _GIR_!"

The SIR unit stared momentarily, but not responding quickly enough. He screamed as the Irken's invention bursted into flames and smoke, a wave sending them both across the room.

Dib blinked as the fiasco unfolded itself before them, stepping past the gnomes to get a better look at the damage.

The vampire glanced back to surrounding houses and apartments, fidgeting. Were people going to notice? Wait a minute.. what was he thinking? Of course they wouldn't. The vampire followed, eyeing the odd, green dog.. without a head. And the Irken… passed out.

"Good thinking with the flag! Now's our chance, come on!"

Zephyr bit his lip as he watched the human scoop Zim up. "Now what?" he tilted his head.

"Well, we bring him back to my dad's lab, of course!" He smiled wide. "Let's go!"

"Mary got a _frieeennnd_.."

The two whipped around from the whisper. They started at the tarnished dog head, sparks leaking.

" _INTRUDER!"_ the head screeched, torn eye glaring red as it dragged itself by a tongue.

The vampire shrieked, immediately retreating. "What _is t_ hat thing?!"

"It's Zim's robot! Hurry, before he-!" Dib reeled from the inhuman hiss coming from below.

The Irken pried himself from the grip, spider legs unsheathing.

The vampire watched in horror as the Irken rose, feeling himself grow smaller and smaller.

"Computer!" the alien snapped, door immediately shutting. "Capture them!"

"Nngahhh!" Dib exasperated, dodging the wires that attacked him.

Zephyr, however, was more than unprepared. The vampire was snatched right up.

Gir laughed hysterically, head bouncing around. "Mary, Mary! Quite contrary! Had a head that's big and scary! Hehehe!"

Dib gasped as the Irken got in the way of his exit, stopping him at every turn. " _NOOO!"_

" _Oh, YES,"_ the Irken cackled as the house consumed his enemy.

* * *

"Ngh.." His eyes started to crack open. Ugh… what happened? Was it a dream? Was he in bed? On a floor?

No.. he was floating.. peacefully, in fact.. peaceful enough for him to want to close his eyes and succumb to the darkness once again.

"What _are_ you?!" the Irken hissed, causing the human to snap awake in the pod.

He came closer to the glass, observing the scene below.

Zephyr hissed as the alien continued to pull on his hair. "I already said what I was!"

"LIAR!"

The vampire tried to intimidate with a glint of his fangs, but it was quite a difficult task when his limbs were bonded to the table. "I don't know why you think I'm lying about everything, but-"

"Your filthy hair is full of lies!" Zim interrupted, gloved fingers gripping the vampire's mouth to pry it back open.

Zephyr made a face of extreme discomfort, but he was intrigued all the same.

"What _are_ those things in your mouth?"

"They're _fangs_ , moron," Dib finally spoke, crossing his arms.

Zephyr watched as the Irken's attention wavered, trying to wriggle his way out of the bonds, cloak ends sneaking their way up towards the metal.

"Be quiet, Earth-pig! I will deal with YOU next!"

"Yeah, right! You fail at every attempt at getting rid of me! Today is no different!"

Zim glared, tearing his wig off in aggravation.

The vampire had to gasp from the antennae, eyes wide as the alien revealed his big, crimson gaze. Wow. Wow, wow, wow..! The evil grin sent chills up his spine.

The Irken watched his nemesis. "But it is certainly different, Dib-filth, for ZIM shall be annihilating your one and only ally! Your-" he paused, staring down at the empty table. Where did..?

He grunted from the whiplash, immediately glaring at his attacker. The Irken's eyes widened at the creature that was pressing him into the table, shocked by the escape.

Zephyr was staring just as much, taking in all the details of the alien he had trapped between him and the table.

Zim blinked quite a few times, awaiting the creature's next move. What was he trying to do? Did vampires stare for hours before they drained the bodily fluids? Was he currently draining them by simply staring? What was this filthy vampire up to?!

"Your eyes are incredible," Zephyr could not stop himself, receiving a mental slap in return.

The Irken sneered from the compliment, not admitting to himself that he found the vampire's eyes equally as intriguing, however, he refused to give the creature such treatment. "Yes, yes, they are amazing, now stand away!" He shoved Zephyr immediately. "Get back onto the table like a _good_ lab experiment!"

Zephyr only felt energized by the push, tongue gliding across his fangs.

Zim cringed from the look, putting space between them. "Foolish thing! Do not defy ZIM!"

The contained human grinned in excitement. But he had no camera to record it! Gyah! Still, it was worth it!

Zephyr did not seem to blink as he watched the Irken move around the table. He remained still, eyes following.

The alien's lips curled over in confusion before he growled, antennae pulled back fiercely. "Fine! _You_ asked for it, vampire-weasel!" The Irken rose swiftly with his mechanical legs, glaring down at his opponent.

"Weasel?" Dib questioned from the pod.

"Silence!" The Irken hissed, pouncing at the creature loose in his base.

The vampire eyed the technology carefully through the alien's short speech, head turning before his arms opened, cloak flaring.

The Irken grunted as his Pak legs were submerged in the black cloth, the fabric snaking and wrapping its way up. He hissed as he was yanked forward, bracing himself against the creature's head and shoulder. "Let go of _ZIM_!"

Zephyr continued to clutch the Irken's collar and arm, his jaw open, fangs ready to sink.

The alien hissed, finding his strength nearly matched. Nearly. _No one_ is stronger than Zim, anyhow!

Dib was clenching his fists so tight, wanting to get in on the action, but he helplessly floated, face pressed to the glass.

"Computer!" Zim cried as the creature's mouth came within biting distance.

Zephyr's eyes widened as he was thrown off balance by wires, the Irken jumping up into the air. He grunted, pushing his bangs out of his eyes before catching the insect-like creature's silhouette aiming right for him.

He grit his teeth as the alien landed on his cloak. If he had rolled, his body would have been pierced by the legs instead.

Zim grinned in the small victory at having trapped the vampire. "HA! Zim wins! Now back onto the table with you!"

The vampire eyed the surrounding legs before jerking upwards.

The Irken jumped from the movement, hissing from the dirty trick. That horrible vampire..! Zim hissed as the freed cloak ensnared his mechanical legs, compressing them as he was flipped. "Gyah! No! _No!_ " The alien whined, frustrated from the vampire's upper hand. "Enough of your magical snake beast!"

"It's not a snake," Zephyr struggled to keep the alien contained, arms wrapped around his torso and head from behind.

The Irken squirmed, antennae flailing before he used them to whack at the child, hands pushing at the arm around his waist. "Eugh! Stop touching Zim! You are _disgusting!_ "

The vampire scowled from the constant pestering, hissing and reaching up to clamp down on the black stalk.

Zim froze before screaming in horror. "GET YOUR FILTHY MOUTH OFF OF THERE! ZIM WILL RIP OUT YOUR EYES! YOUR EYES WILL BE IN ZIM'S DRINK!"

The vampire's face twisted in disgust, but mostly puzzlement. "That's gross," he spoke through clenched teeth.

The Irken twitched from the vibration sent up through his appendage, shuddering. "GYAH! STOP! YOU'RE HORRIBLE!" He squirmed hard, kicking backwards with all of his might. His Pak legs retracted from the pressure, cloak folding over and constricting.

Dib observed carefully from his limited view, frantic to see every angle. "Zephyr, bite him already! Put him under some vampire spell or whatever!"

"Who do you think I am?!" Zephyr glared the human's way, ears shattering from the alien's screech.

" _RELEASE ME! RELEASE ZIM OR I WILL-_ "

"SCREAM MORE?!" the vampire snapped, irritated by the noise level.

"GYAHHH!" Zim's antennae convulsed. "Enough, vampire! It hurts, _Zim hurts!_ "

The child in the tube blinked, filing away the possible strategy against the Irken. He furrowed his brow as the vampire released his nemesis. If it were up to him, he would have never let go. He would have reveled in the victory of hearing his enemy beg for as long as physically possible. Why had the vampire released him?!

"Sorry," Zephyr made a face from the Irken's cringing. "Did it seriously hurt that badly?"

The alien securely held his bruised antenna. His balance felt off. His hearing was going in and out. Smell blurring. All senses flickering. He could barely remain standing, body ready to topple here and there. This was it. He was going to be eaten. Eaten by a lowly vampire on a spitball of a planet. "Don't-!" He slurred, pointing somewhere far off. "Don't come any.. Ngh...!"

Zephyr caught the Irken from hitting the floor, blinking wide. Uh oh. Did he kill it? He shot a look at Dib for reference, anxiety soaring.

" _Yes_! We defeated the alien menace! Now come get me out of here so we can bring him back to my Dad's lab! Hurry, before he wakes up again!"

Zephyr swallowed, hesitant. He scanned over the alien, checking for signs of life.

"What are you doing?! Come on!"

He observed the alien's chest flutter and felt the pulse of his wrist. Okay. He was alive. Phew.

"Zephyr!?"

"Sorry," the vampire carried the Irken's body which was surprisingly light, stepping to the pod that the human was contained in. Wait. If he released the child, that means that the Irken would be captured, right? Wouldn't Dib kill him? Would he do something else..?

"Agh..! Come on, quit staring and press some buttons already! It should be the bright red one!"

No. He had witnessed what the child had packed into his bag on the way. Soda, handcuffs, some sort of taser.. Dib was here to capture the alien and only cause him harm. So, they really _were_ enemies? Or something just seriously messed up that he was not getting?

"Zephyr," Dib clenched his teeth, eye twitching. "Please just press the-"

"No," the vampire interrupted, staring from the word that had pressed through his lips.

" _No_?" The human widened an eye. "Why wouldn't you-?" He gasped. "Don't tell me you were working for Zim this whole time! Please don't say that you were a decoy to get me captured! Oh, that rotten alien-!"

"I'm not a decoy," Zephyr narrowed his eyes. "But I'm not letting you go." He was shocked to hear his own bold words, not used to voicing his opinions one bit. Still, he went on. "I don't like how you're going after him like this."

"What?! No! Zephyr!" Dib clawed at the glass. "Please, don't do this to me! _Don't do this to me!_ " the child cried, knowing this situation all too well. Why him?! Why did it always have to be _him_?! "You don't know what you're doing! Zim's race is BAD. B-A-D. They've wiped out thousands of galaxies! They destroy every enemy planet they touch!"

Zephyr does not wish to mess with an alien race, by any means. Especially one with that history – but this just felt right. "I'm sorry, but if this alien were actually evil, wouldn't he have taken over the planet already?"

"He _IS_ evil! Listen to me! If it weren't for me, he would have already destroyed every last human on the face of the Earth! You _have_ to let me go so I can defeat him! Please, vampire thing! I'm the world's only hope! You'll all _die without me_!"

The vampire let out a slow exhale, though it was only out of habit. Dead or alive, controlled breathing helped him time and time again. "Look, Dib, I'm really not into the whole, 'capturing the alien' idea, or doing whatever it is you do." Zephyr observed the alien in his arms with almost a sparkle of possession in his eyes, glancing back up to the contained child. "No offense, but I don't like you very much."

"Offense taken!" Dib clenched his fists. "Mark my words, vampire! You'll regret working with an Irken Invader! The next time you see me, I'll be after you _both_!"

"But I see you right now," Zephyr blinked. "And where did you draw _that_ conclusion from? I never said anything about working with him."

"Well, if you're not with me, then you're _against_ me!"

"Then _everyone_ is against you," Zephyr deadpanned. "Ever wonder why no one is helping you?"

"Uh, yeah, because everyone is stupid and doesn't see things for what they truly are! Including moronic vampires!"

"I see everything perfectly," the pale creature studied. He was honestly sort of bluffing, but he couldn't stand down to the child now. "Zim's an alien who was sent here to destroy the planet.. and you're trying to kill him."

"Err.. Yeah, I guess that pretty much sums it up." Dib rubbed the back of his head. "But don't you get it?! He's not going to accept you, or let you help him!"

"I never _SAID_ I was going to help him!" Zephyr snapped. "How many times do I have to repeat myself?!"

"Until you're fighting against him!" Dib pulled at his face in frustration. "Look! The longer we stand here fighting, the sooner Zim might wake back up! We have to act quickly!"

The vampire rolled his eyes, turning away from the human. "Good luck defending your planet from an all-powerful race of aliens. You're on your own there."

Dib glared at the back of Zephyr's head. Just goes to show that no paranormal creature can be trusted! That's the last time he ever dreams of teaming up with one! Well, besides partnering up with the ghost of Lincoln. That'll never change. He pulled himself down using the glass barrier, travelling to the bottom of the pod. Hey..! There was a panel in here! How did he miss that?!

The paranormal investigator peeked at the vampire who was exploring the room in fascination. He swiftly lifted the panel, ripping at any wire he could, hoping he would not end up foolishly blowing himself up by messing with the controls.

The child beamed as the liquid started to drain. Ha! Score one for the human race! He covered his mouth from the excited squeak, quietly stepping out of the opened tube. Dib leaped down to the alien floor, smirking as he swiped up his backpack. "Ha!" he shouted for attention, sprinting to the elevator and whipping around dramatically. "This isn't the last you'll see of Dib Membrane!"

Zephyr frowned, wondering how the child had possibly escaped the tube. Was it seriously that easy to escape such advanced technology? He thought it impossible. He watched the human laugh maniacally before disappearing.

Well, that sucks. He glanced down at the fainted Irken in his arms, then to the alien room of technology around him, as lost as ever.

* * *

Dib slammed the front door, taking a moment to observe its renewed state before he stomped on. "That vampire ditched me!"

"Well, what did you expect?" His sister lounged on the sofa, hammering the buttons on her console. "You scare everyone away."

"No, I don't! People just can't understand my motivation, Gaz!" Dib dropped his bag.

"Yeah. And they're scared."

"Whatever!" Dib huffed, cringing from the alien goo that had soaked into his clothes and hair.

"Son?"

"Dad?!" Dib immediately perked up, running to the basement doorway to find his father at the bottom of the steps. "Dad! You should have seen it! It was amazing! Zim fought this vampire I let into our house for some stupid reason and he won!" He hopped down the steps, nearly slipping from his wet clothes. "It was insane!"

Membrane chuckled as he patted his son's dripping hair. "It sure is, son. It sure is. Now go bathe yourself, Dib! We cannot appeal to the masses with you covered in some foreign slime like that!"

"We're going somewhere?" Dib tilted his head. "Just the three of us?!"

"Yes, and it's your turn to decide where we eat out. Now quickly! Before our thirty minutes of yearly family time is up!"

The child grinned, quickly bolting his way back up the staircase, stumbling the entire way.

* * *

"Nn.."

The vampire slowly lifted his head from the metal to the sound of a throaty groan. A crimson gaze met an indigo one.

"GYAH!" The Irken flinched from the vampire. "AHH!" He squirmed from the bonds. "RELEASE ZIM! RELEASE ZIM AT ONCE!"

The vampire hissed from the burst, cloak immediately wrapping around the alien's mouth. "Do you _ever_ stop yelling?!"

The Irken shuddered in revulsion from the contact of the cloak to his tongue, gritting his teeth around the fabric. This dirty thing had been on the floor, and he dares put it in his amazing, clean mouth..!? _Disgusting!_

Zim put up even more of a fuss, trying to access his Pak, but his body strained against the metal each painful time his spine arched further.

"Just calm down!" Zephyr commanded, grabbing Zim's antennae like reigns.

The Irken blinked, immediately frozen in place.

"Look, your enemy or whatever he is to you escaped. I don't know if he's still here, wandering around, or actually left, but-" He cut himself off momentarily, trying to remember coherent speaking patterns. "I'm not here to hurt you, I swear."

Zim glared up at the creature, eyeing the arms over him, the black fabric at his mouth, and the bonds of his own experiment table. A very unbelievable thing, the vampire claimed. His gag reflex was kicking in..!

The vampire unhanded him, giving the Irken some space to breathe.

After his coughing fit, the Irken glowered with a burning passion. "You _LIE_ , filthy vampire! You work with the _Dib-_ human! This is a trick! You cannot fool ZIM!"

"I'm not tricking you," Zephyr defended, tempted to cover the Irken's mouth once more. Did he _seriously_ have to yell? Is that how his race communicated? "And I'm not working with anyone! Everything is just happening too fast!"

Zim stared before his gaze narrowed dangerously. "I do not care what you say, body-sucking _parasite_! You weak-minded, porcupine-headed cow beast cannot understand what incredible powers you are messing with!"

" _What_ in Sam Hill did you just say?" Zephyr stared, blinking at the alien.

"Whoever this Sam is with his hills of mystery fish, I will not tolerate you and your head of cotton swabs! Remove yourself from Zim's base _immediately_!"

The vampire only squinted, silent. "I'll pretend that made sense."

"Zim makes perfect sense!"

Zephyr puffed his cheeks. "Zim," he attempted, exhaling. His mouth was starting to move on its own. "What I'm trying to say, is.." His eyes wandered over the Irken's defensive gaze and skin. No ears. No nose. Those odd, but intriguing antennae. "I'm not going to get in your way of conquering – or, destroying – the planet. So, you don't have to worry about me. Really."

The alien puckered his lip as he studied closely. "Clearly I must! You have me stuck on this table!"

The vampire blinked before opening the hatch, watching the Irken move freely in confusion. "Like I said, I'm not here to hurt you. I was just curious. I mean, I have come across _many_ things in my years, and I mean _many_ things.. but never once an alien. I thought you were interesting."

The alien jumped down from the table, circling the creature. "Zim _is_ interesting. However, now that you have freed me, I am going to see what your organs look like coming out of every orifice you contain."

Zephyr clutched his fists. "Don't you get it?!" He dodged a spider leg, weaving his way through the stabs. "I didn't kill you! I didn't bring you back to Dib's house like he wanted! I let you go!"

"Because you are obviously _stupid_ , vampire! Now suffer the wrath of your future leader!" Zim danced with the creature around the room, swiping at him with every chance he got. "Quit moving!"

"I told you that I'm not here to fight!"

" _LIES!_ "

Zephyr glared. "Fine! You _want_ to fight?" His cloak spread to incredible lengths, consuming their surroundings. "Then fight me!"

Zim hissed as he was reeled in by the cloth, pushing back to keep away from the eyes and fangs in their now dark cavern. Mechanical legs whipped around frantically.

Zephyr forced the alien to face him, inches apart, seizing the robotic aid. "Enough!" he snapped.

The Invader squinted at the glowing eyes. Purple? Blue? Whatever colour they were! Unimportant! "You do not frighten me," he sneered.

"I'm not trying to frighten you," the vampire failed to blink. "I'm just trying to have a civil conversation." With an alien! "It's quite difficult when all you do is yell and ignore what I'm saying."

The Irken tilted his head, eventually evaluating the other's lack of pouncing. "You are not trying to hurt Zim?"

"No," the vampire confirmed. "I can't be any clearer. So, please, stop attacking me."

Zim looked this way and that, the light from his base hurting his ocular implants as the cloak opened back up. He watched the creature take a step back, cloak simply touching ground. "If you are not with the Dib-human, and you are not proposing a partnership, then why on Irk are you here in my base, hog-beast?!"

"I said I was curious," Zephyr narrowed an eye. This alien seriously did not listen. Yelled a lot, and never listened. Good combination. "I never met a creature from beyond before."

"Yes, yes, that is what they all say, and then KABLAM, they were a spy bent on destroying my mission!" Zim eyed the creature suspiciously. "And I have met thousands of species, things you would not even imagine!" He went quiet. "But never one of _your_ species, I would think. Regardless, you are an _Earthling_. You are one in the same, so you are not important!"

"Those are the nicest words someone has ever said to me."

"Really?"

" _No_!" Zephyr stiffened, cloak bristling as much as his hair. "Just show me the way out, my curiosity is put to rest!"

"Well, you _should_ still be curious! Zim is amazing, after all." The alien placed his hands behind his back. "But I suppose you may leave.. in exchange for your eyes."

"My eyes?!" Zephyr made a face. "Why do you want my eyes? I need them!"

"FINE! Have it _your_ stinking way!" The Irken furrowed his brow to the trail of green pod juices reaching the elevator door. "Well? Come, beast of body fluids!"

The vampire pouted, following after to step into the tight space. "You say some really freaky things, you know that?"

* * *

The child was all smiles and rainbows as he practically skipped to their front door. "That was so cool! We should go there again every year!"

"Never again," Gaz hissed. "Never again will I go to the Haunted Waffle Hut.. Never!"

"Oh, come on, Gaz! It was fun! The employees were even dressed up like zombie ghosts! I mean, they looked more like copier machines in sheets, but - I think I even saw a real one in the girls' bathroom!"

"Son!" Membrane called from the car window. "You and your sister get straight to bed! None of your late night investigations! Our poor neighbors have called the police twice last week about your antics!"

The child in glasses turned away from the doorway as his sibling entered their dwelling. "But, dad! They're obviously hiding some sort of human-plant mutation in their basement! They have to be! Otherwise, why would they buy so much fertilizer but have the most hideous lawn on the block?! Where does all that plant food go, huh? Huh?!"

"Son..!" The professor warned, giving him his famous fatherly eye.

Dib frowned, disappearing inside the house, the door shutting.

Membrane sighed, shaking his head before nodded to the driver. The limo pulled away, window rolling up.

* * *

"No, no, no...!" Dib huffed, tired eyes every now and then losing focus on the bright screen before him. His room was dark – evidence of a deep, blue hue on the horizon. "Vampires don't sparkle! I mean, what kind of stupid idea is - 50,000 likes?!" he cried. "What is _wrong_ with people?!"

The child sighed. If he was going to get help, then he had to do it properly. He clicked his way back to the SEN forums. Seventeen messages.. But he knew better. It was hate mail, and the occasional creepy love letter. I mean, not that he was complaining, but..

Dib's foot tapped at the covers behind him as he wrote out a new post on the vampire, and Zim, of course. He gave every detail that he could think of, his suspicions, his predictions. He ended the novel with his assigned agent name, exhaling as he double checked for grammatical error. "Should be good," he tried to convince himself. After all, it was.. well, early in the morning, and he knew he could not be fully functional enough to correct any possible mistakes in his writing. He would surely find them all tomorrow.

The young investigator finally posted it, then continued on with researching possible weaknesses. He needed that vampire out of the way. He saw how that thing could attack, and he would definitely not want to be on the receiving end of those fangs. If he were Zim in that fight earlier, he would have been a goner..!

He yawned, eyes getting increasingly heavy...

* * *

_Ping!_

Dib stirred slightly from the sound, furrowing his brow as he moved to get more comfortable. No matter how many times he had fallen asleep on his laptop, it never got any softer!

_Ping... ping!_

The child's eyes peeked open from the repetitive sound, tired gaze widening. There was a chat window in the corner of his screen. "Someone's talking to me?" he immediately shot awake to check the messages. No one _ever_ talks to him!

_'Hey.' 3:54 am_

_'You still awake?' 4:03 AM_

_'You needed help, right?' 4:05 AM_

Dib stared at his laptop screen for mere moments before jumping onto the keyboard, fingers flying.

 _'Hey! I'm so sorry, I must have been more tired than I thought. But yes, I do! Are you an expert?'_ Dib immediately clicked through to the user's profile, however, there was no profile picture or any information on him, other than that he had joined four years ago. Birthday not displayed. No status posts or bio. The child was immediately suspicious.. Agent CrazyNomed was the only info available to him.

_Ping!_

Well, that was quick. He brought the chat window back up to read.

_'Probably not an expert, but I have done some things. I've hunted ghosts, mostly. I'm actually still in the middle of an investigation.'_

The child rubbed at a sleep-deprived eye under his glasses before readjusting them, fingers returned to the laptop. _'Really? That's cool! I've hunted ghosts myself. What investigation?'_

It was a moment before the human physically saw the three dots of a message being written, excitement filling him from the interaction with another investigator who didn't immediately shoot him down.

_'It's in Cape May. Ever hear of the Physick estate?'_

Dib blinked. _'Like.._ _ **The**_ _Physick estat?_

_estate*, sorry.'_

_'Yup.'_ The agent responded, the dots popping up again. _'It's pretty cool. There's a bunch of serious ghost activity happening there, but it's been hard to investigate it properly. I have to break in after hours because they hold daily tours of the house. It sucks, but it's still cool.'_

_'I hear you. I really don't know why people turn everything into a joke like that. It's serious paranormal investigator business and they always have to turn it into a way to make money off of people!'_

_'I agree. Uh, so... you said you needed help? You claimed there's a possible vampire..? And are you serious about the alien? I saw your pictures, but they're all sort of taken from weird places. I can't really make them out.'_

Dib huffed. That's because all of the actually GOOD pictures he takes, Zim manages to snag them from him! _'Sorry, yeah, I've been told that. But I am completely serious! I am not crazy! There's been an actual alien living here for who knows how long, and no one believes me! I can't take this stupidity anymore! He's so obviously an alien, and yet people are so oblivious! I mean, I've seen him out of his disguise, I've been in his base, I've frickin' been to outer space fighting him with planets as vessels!'_

It was a long time before Dib saw the dots again. _'Wow. Uh..'_

Dib cringed from the response, fingers attacking the keys. _'Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you! Please don't go!'_ He waited, fidgeting as anxiety welled within him.

Dots.

The child bit his lip as they appeared.. Disappeared.. Reappeared..

_'You didn't scare me. I want to help. So.. Should I call you Agent Mothman, or...?'_

_'Dib.'_ He immediately typed, eager for a companion that did serious investigations like him. _'And thank you, thank you, thank you! Um, what name do you prefer, if you don't mind me asking?'_

The dots appeared. _'Drayne. Nice to meet you, Dib Membrane.'_

The young investigator grinned, eyes sparkling.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vampires are weak-minded, porcupine-headed cow beasts.
> 
> Invader ZIM signing off.


	2. I-Scream of DOOM!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madness. Just... madness. With a cherry on top.

**dEfEcTiVe?**

* * *

The disguised SIR Unit tried to muffle his giggling, full of smiles. His Master had been furious when he found him in ruins, along with his doggy ruse. But Zim was so nice that he made him a new one, yelling funny things all the while! Things like squid brains, and cow paste! Snacks and pizza toppings made out of overdue laundry detergent..

Gir's snickering was rising in volume, unable to keep still as he watched the Irken work.

A grin was plastered on Zim's face as he popped the tire out of place, Pak legs holding up the idle automobile. In a flash, he was setting the car back down on its new and improved - pool floaty wheels!

Zim cackled as he ran for it, minions not far behind.

His newer, but not very new sidekick floated by the robot with its usual smile, squeaking in excitement. It could see why Gir loved their Master so much. The alien was exciting and witty, fun and sneaky! Everything that a minion could ever hope for in its Master! It felt the adrenaline of possibly being caught, high-pitched voice box full of laughter.

After outrunning the area of the crime scene, the Irken slowed into a sly march. "Learn from Zim, my insufferable henchmen!" He clenched his fists before him. " _We_ are the supreme enemies of this filth ball of a planet. We do _not_ interact with these people as friends! Understand?"

"Nuh uh," the SIR Unit beamed, skipping along behind him.

"Nya~!" Minimoose shut its eyes, happy to be out on an adventure with its beloved comrades.

"Gir!" he completely disregarded the responses, the Irken stopping in front of another parked car with a grin, holding a hand out. "Another see-through doughnut floaty! Quickly!"

The robot scrambled with his eager cries, pulling an inflatable out of his head, attaching it to his antennae.

Zim took it as soon as it filled with air, grinning at his hovering, purple minion. "Minimoose! It is _your_ turn to violate the humans' _primitive_ EARTH vehicles! Just simply replace that filthy dirt cake of transportation with this incredibly transparent life preserver!" He leered through the material at his minion.

Minimoose beamed from the pink world shown to him, his Master and robot companion coated in the pretty colour. "Nyeh!" It popped through, lifting with the tube secure around his small body.

The Irken grinned as the wheel was vaporized and the car was given its new – but definitely not usable – pool float tire! "Excellent, Minimoose! You have performed _far_ beyond my expectations," he cackled with delight. "Come, minions!" He sprinted off, maniacal laughter filling the city air.

Gir screeched as he followed, giggling hysterically.

The purple sidekick squeaked, racing after.

* * *

He knew Zim was up to something! He always was! He had watched the Irken leave that morning with his two evil companions. Gir, and that floating moose... thing! Which was evil! And honestly sorta cute.. But still evil!

Dib walked his confident stride, fists at his sides. He was bound to be around here somewhere.. his alien senses were tingling, after all! And from the looks of all of those cars with mysteriously replaced tires, he knew he was getting ever closer to his nemesis. Only Zim had the capability of doing something so connivingly stupid.

He scanned the sidewalks ahead of him, maneuvering around the oblivious adults. Honestly, they didn't find anything weird? Come on, it was a pink tube for a car tire, for heaven's sake! There's no way people could drive with that thing..!

He gasped as he heard the squeals of Zim's robot dog, eyeing here and there for its source. He darted in a direction, eager for confrontation. "I'll find you, you little..!"

* * *

" _Now_ , Gir.. It is _your_ turn to show your devoutness to our mission," the alien tried not to cringe. He did NOT want the robot messing up their act of mischief. "Inflate another tube thing and replace that lowly wheel of spinning!"

The SIR Unit squealed, complying immediately.

The Irken stood back with his small, purple sidekick, observing with much disdain.

"Nya," Minimoose reassured.

Zim hummed back, arms crossed in expectancy, disapproval clearly evident.

"I did it, Master!" Gir screamed his success, jumping up and down for praise.

It took the robot long moments to notice the lack of his Master's kind words, though, and when he finally caught on to the silence, he followed their gazes back down to his work. The robot stared as the tube deflated with a long squeak of air.

The three watched the car slowly sink from the lack of support.

"Hey! That"s my car!" came a cry.

"Gyck! Run, my pathetic henchmen, run!" he took off, fearful that the witness might call for the Earth authorities..! Nonetheless, he shall prevail! There are loads of more unsuspecting cars in this city! He just had to make certain that Gir was not the one physically touching the car at all costs.

He dove into the mix of humans, companions clinging to him as he made his way through legs. He cringed from the occasional growling dogs and slobbering children in strollers, fighting to the clearing..! He gasped over-dramatically, though immediately hacked the air back out.

What a horrible taste of atmosphere! The people, the cars, the pollution! It was disgusting! His eyes burned from his gag reflex, exhaling heavily as he moved on to march. "Gir, I see now that this mission is a bit too complicated for you. We will just have to drop you back off at the base and-" He searched for the two, blinking and whipping around. He found his companions standing in awe, staring beyond a display window. "Gir! Minimoose!" he barked, fists clenching before glancing up to the hanging sign. _'I-Scream! Buy it or we'll sue you!'_

The Invader narrowed an eye, gazing at his ecstatic minions. "No!" Zim scolded. "No filthy Earth treats! Especially for _you_ , Gir! You have given your Master _nothing_ but trouble today!" he pointed harshly.

The disguised robot burst into tears, screaming nonsensically as he ran around the Irken, rolling around on the sidewalk. "Please, Mastah, please, I need it! Ice cream has to go in my belly or I'll vomit puppies! Yeah, puppies!" He shot up, excited. "Pleasepleaseplease~!"

Zim glared down at his begging robot that clung to his uniform. He looked up to the more.. wise henchman of the two, judging.

Minimoose simply floated there, smiling. It opened its mouth, squeaking.

"BRILLIANT, Minimoose! If _Gir_ were to have this disgustingly cold treat as a distraction, he will no longer be a threat to our plans! Ingenious!"

Gir cried with happiness, bouncing after his Master into the shoppe, the bell jingling. "I'M GONNA EAT COW INNARDS, YAAAY!"

Zim blinked hard, staring at the customers and workers behind the counter from the looks they were given. "Err, ehm, YES! The latest in dog technology! A, err, a zipper!" He grinned, grabbing the accessory to show it off. "Simply stitched to the bark beast's throat! Capable of giving the normal, average Earth dog the ability to speak! You mean you've never heard of it?! Are you insane?!" He hissed, retracting from his outburst to clear his throat. "We are normal," he settled.

The humans in the shoppe watched for moments more before returning to talking and eating.

Zim huffed before stepping right up to the counter, preparing himself for the interaction with the stupidity of the public head on.

"Hey!" The child beside them glared. "Mommy, he's cutting us!"

The mother looked down upon the alien, lifting an eyebrow. The human stared down at him for a long, long time.

"Hey!" She finally registered. "You think you're better than my kid?! Do ya?! Huh?!"

Zim made a face at her, then at the other rebelling humans behind her. "SHUT your filthy mouth holes! My dog will eat every last one of your reVOLTing human children by tomorrow _morning_ if you do not surrender to ZIM!"

"I like children!" Gir shrieked, smiling sweetly as saliva dripped from the corner of his mouth.

The line of humans collectively gasped, immediately protecting their offspring.

The Irken sneered at them before trying to look over the surface above him to the ice cream slaves, grunting and pulling himself up. " _You_!" He pointed at the female, who seemed to have been completely unaffected by the commotion. "My dog and, eh.." He stared back at Minimoose. "Err.. GOPHER wish to feast upon your _vile_ , teeth-shattering treats of frozen acid! Hand it over and I will not destroy those filthy tubs of it back there that your fellow cow slaves are bathing in to add flavour to the disgusting treat! _I demand it_!"

"Uhh.." The teen stared before tilting her head one way, then the other. "What ice cream flavour will it be, Miss..?"

The Irken's eyes bugged in a scowl, grunting as his SIR Unit pulled him back down to replace him.

"I waaant..." the robot drooled onto the counter, not particularly looking at a menu, "boysenberry-pig-belly sundae-spook supreme!" He squealed, tongue attaching itself to the cash register.

The female blinked. "And what about you, Miss?"

"I WILL HAVE NONE OF THIS GARBAGE!" Zim snapped over the counter. "But my perfectly normal, floating gopher weasel would like, err -" He narrowed an eye, placing a finger to his chin.

"Ostrich-creamsicle liverwurst split!" Gir cried.

" _YES_!" The Irken wore a frighteningly large grin. "Now serve us _normal beings_ these HORRIBLE flavours, putrid _acid_ slave!"

The worker sighed, rolling her eyes as her team went to work on the orders after a beat. "That'll be fifteen dollars and uh.." She squinted at the screen, eye twitching slightly. The cashier counted on her fingers before deadpanning at the Irken again. "Three cents."

The alien hummed, whipping the bills at her. He leered as the cash smacked her in the face, fluttering down.

She did not seem to actively react. "Your dog's spook supreme was on sale, by the way," she informed, uncaring manner still evident. "It's been expired for the past four years. We discounted it for you since it couldn't sell the last few Halloweens."

"Yes, yes, whatever!" Zim touched ground victoriously, moving away from the counter to wait with his minions. He smirked at their excited giggling as they were handed their treats, hands on his hips, until he noticed a red and black blotch in his peripheral vision.

He blinked towards the glass of the window, brow furrowing. What the..?! Gyah! It was that.. _horrible_ vampire thing again! He was standing across the street, just.. watching! Staring directly at him, with no intention of moving!

"Heh?!" Zim widened an eye before he glared, hissing. "How DARE that filthy vampire be stalking ZIM!" He was dead set on giving the creature a piece of his mind! Why, he oughta-! The Irken stomped to the door, bell ringing.

"Zim!"

The alien reeled from the antennae-wrenching voice. His lips slowly curled into an evil smile as he turned from the call, eyes landing on none other than his arch nemesis. "Dib."

The child was glaring at him, arms crossed. He could not help a smug smirk himself from their eye contact. "Really, Zim? Pool tubes?"

"Mmm, yes," the alien grinned maniacally. "Amazing plan, isn't it?" He blinked from memory dawning upon him, his gaze settling back on the sidewalk across the street.

Dib narrowed an eye. "No, Zim, it's not amazing at all! It's evil, and stupid, and-!" He frowned slightly from the alien's diverted attention. He followed his enemy's stare to the empty sidewalk, narrowing an eye in confusion. "Hey! Space boy! I'm talking to you!" He pushed him, rough as always. "And what were you even doing in that ice cream store, huh? Huh?"

Zim scowled from the shove, standing his ground. "Stupid human! My minions simply wanted to _enjoy_ the disgusting Earth slime, is all! Nothing for _you_ to stick your nose into!" He sneered before marching the opposite way. "Come, Gir! Minimoose! We have transportation vehicles to sabotage!"

The disguised robot eyed Dib through his devouring of the purple goop. "HI, MARY!" He waved hysterically before following after the alien.

"Nya!" Minimoose smiled at the human, licking at its treat as well.

Dib stared before trailing after the trio, pouting. He ran back up to the alien's side, pestering the Irken with pokes. "Think again, space monster! Don't try anything funny, or I'll – uh – I'll stop you!"

"Foolish Dib!" Zim swatted at the finger, finally clenching the hand to cease the stabbings in his temple and torso. "I have already successfully ruined all potential use of several Earth vehicles throughout this _filthy_ city, and I shall have no troubles in finishing what Zim has started!" He whipped the hand away from him, disgusted from the prolonged contact, even through the glove.

Dib clutched at his abused hand, glaring. "But you can't finish it if I'm here, obviously."

"Exactly! BEGONE with you, vile, PIG-headed _Dib_ -thing!"

Gir blinked through the conversation, smiling to his Master and the enemy. "Aww, they're so cute~" he giggled to his friend, pausing mid step to stare at the creature across the street. He blinked wide, mouth coated in the expired, glowing sludge. "HI, PORCUPINE!" He waved. "Master, look!"

Zephyr stepped along, narrowing an eye at the robot. The alien had not gotten ice cream. Just his dog thing, and... what on Earth was that floating, purple gerbil thing with them?

"You would think that she would let me have at least _one bowl_ of it, but no! It's always hers! Seriously, sometimes I want cereal too, y'know?!"

The Irken threw a suspicious look to a passing child with her parents. "I know not of this serial killer foolery, Dib-beast, but if you were to simply launch your almost-as-frightening-as-you sister into space, you would not have to share _anything_!" His teeth flashed in a maniacal smile. "It is the best way to rid yourself of any issues."

"I'm not launching my sister into space, Zim," the child scowled ahead. "Is that seriously how you handle _everything_?"

"Yes?" Zim furrowed his brow to him, blinking from the screams of his SIR Unit. He whipped himself around to the commotion across the road, eyes wide.

Gyah! Gir was attacking that.. HIDEOUS, mop-headed vampire! Slobbering all over him as Minimoose flew around them in panic!

"GIR!" Zim snapped, ready to dart, but he froze, glancing both ways. He deemed the road safe before moving.

Dib had checked the traffic level as well, following. He glared, crossing his arms as he bit his cheek.

The vampire screamed through the glomping, trying to wrench the insane dog from his shirt. "Get it off! GET IT OFF!" he cried, wrestling his assaulter desperately.

Zim scowled down at the creature, finally ripping Gir away by the scruff of his costume. "Gir! Enough!" He ordered, tossing the robot to glare down at the acquaintance. " _Zepperd_! What are YOU doing here?!"

He blinked, covered in the purple slime, courtesy of the robot. "It's Zephyr," he reminded, standing with a small frown, trying to make himself decent. His hair drooped over his eyes.

"Whatever, Zephler!" He waved away the correction. "Why are you stalking ZIM? I thought there was business between us _no longer_! You have a _NERVE_ for following an Irken Invader!"

"His name is _Zephyr_ , for Earth's sake!" Dib snapped at the alien, not even bothering to point out his other mistakes. "And I thought you two were working together!" He accused, glower switching between them.

"ZIM is not working with that pitiful lawn ornament!" Zim growled. "That vampire is as worthless as they come! Even TAK could have done a better job than _her_!"

Both Zephyr and Dib made a face at the alien. "Zim, he's a boy!" The human almost smacked himself in irritation.

Gir watched the three in confusion, eyeing his floaty companion. "Let's go 'splode some mailboxes, woo!"

MiniMoose squeaked in agreement, flying after the green dog.

Zim blinked at the vampire, far more puzzled than anyone should have been in that moment. "But how would you explain the hair, then? Only Earth _females_ have red hair!"

Dib only stared at the alien. "This is just stupid," he bluntly put before pointing to Zephyr. "Why _were_ you following Zim?"

"I wasn't following anyone," Zephyr quickly claimed, ignoring the Irken's nonsense from pure observation of the human.

"But you just were," Dib pointed out. "You _had_ to be if Zim's robot thing was after you." The young paranormal investigator adjusted his glasses.

"I was just walking," the vampire brushed the slime off, flinching from the web of purple ooze between his fingers, face twisted in disgust.

"Oh," Zim blinked, staring at the dripping creature. "Okay, then," he shrugged, starting to walk again.

"What?! Are you seriously falling for that?!" Dib yelled after the Irken, catching up. "Don't you remember what happened with Keef?!"

Zim puffed his cheeks from the mention. That child was still following them, little did his nemesis know. "Nonsense! The vampire does not have a rainbow anywhere on his person! He must have _some_ decency in him, be it small – but still enough!"

"Well, yeah, but-" Dib rubbed the back of his head, glancing to the pale creature they had left behind to wallow in his coated state. "Zim, this is a _vampire_ we're talking about. Not some kid that won't leave us alone, I mean, Keef _is_ more frightening, by far, but Zephyr, he's -" Dib fidgeted as he tried to explain in a way that his nemesis would understand. "Vampires aren't.. good."

The Irken shot Dib a look of confusion. "Zim is not concerned whether vampires are right or left! I have no interest in your foolish paraordinary things!" He pointed, slowing as he realized the absence of his robots.

Dib furrowed his brow from the alien's sudden concern, catching on immediately. He joined in looking for the Irken's evil slaves, eyes passing over the vampire and cars. No sign of them. He immediately grinned, "Well! Looks like your little _minions_ won't be of any help to you now!"

The alien scowled through his enemy's laughter, antennae twitching under the wig. "Oh, I _will_ find them, _Dib-slug_ , and when I do, my mission of reigning terror upon this city WILL RESUME!" He cackled in horrible delight.

"Not if you're too busy running."

Zim paused to stare at the child. His eyes slowly landed on the cuffs below. He blinked once, twice.. three times. "Hey...!" The Irken stood there, processing. "I remember those," he pointed, blinking back up at his nemesis.

"Uhm, yeah, but – these are the new and _improved_ Extraterrestrial-Sleep Cuffs 4.0! Five star reviews," he smiled. "and they're even space-themed, see?" Dib showed them off.

The alien puckered his lip as he studied the design, narrowing an eye again. "The first ones did not work, what makes _these_ any different?" Zim scoffed.

"Uh, they're cooler," Dib mocked, rolling his eyes. "And sleep-inducing or not, they still work as handcuffs, you lizard!" He snapped forward with them, grin on his lips.

Zim leaned back from them, though, he would admit that he liked the galaxy pattern. His hands stayed away, keeping behind his back in safety. "But how could I search for Gir and Minimoose if you are pestering Zim with those?" He fought all urges to sprint, knowing such a thing would spark the chase that he could not afford right now with his robots running rampant.

"That's the point," Dib deadpanned. "But if you're just going to stand there and let me get you, then-"

The Irken pivoted his body to keep his hands out of sight of his enemy, eyes narrowed. He had to leer from Dib's growing irritation as he was circled left and right. "Pitiful _Dib_ -thing," he taunted, evil smirk on his lips.

The human huffed from the smug insult, glaring.

The Irken dodged the grabby hands of his foe, fingers grazing the hem of his uniform – he darted as soon as he had the chance, grinning from the look on the child's face.

Dib's eyes targeted the alien, smirk just as wide. "Oh no, _you're_ not getting away from Dib Membrane that easily!"

Zephyr watched as the two ran off past him, blinking. He had never met more active people in his life. He looked down to the purple mess that dripped from his person, cloak heavy and wilted. He sighed.

* * *

The Irken panted as he weeded his way through bodies, feeling the Earth boy hot on his trail. The chase was not nearly as fun with all of these humans in the way! He preferred an empty sidewalk, maybe a few children to use as obstacles, just the two of them..

No! He could not play this game right now! He needed to find his robots and fast! The Irken dashed as thoughts swarmed him.

What if they were kidnapped? What if they foolishly went out into the street?! So many nightmares, so little time! " _Dib_!" the alien called desperately as he avoided the human, though he did not bother to explain further. The child was not going to listen at this point. He was going to keep chasing him, and wouldn't stop until either Zim escapes, or the rarer case – Dib actually catches him. And in this situation, there was no way the alien was about to run home to the safety of his base. His minions needed him!

First thing's first, then. DIB. He spun around, ready to put his foot down about the situation, however- ! The alien grunted as the child's body collided with his full force, the enemies tumbling quite a few feet from the area of impact.

Adults maneuvered their children to clear the path of fire, babies crying. Dogs barking. Cars beeping.

The human groaned, shakily pulling himself up from his nemesis. "What was that for, you jerk?!"

"Well, there was no OTHER way to stop your gargantuan head!" The alien sneered.

Dib growled, immediately going for the disheveled wig. "How many times will I have to defend my head from you?! It's the same size as everyone else's!"

The Irken held onto the garment tightly, refusing to release it. "Forever! Until it is smaller! Which is a physical impossibility," he mocked, kicking at the human above him. "Remove your filthy meat body from ZIM!"

"Never!" Dib hissed, even rougher from the insult, struggling with the Irken to rip off his poor disguise. "You're going to look great on TV when the media finally covers this!" His taunting eyes popped open from the whip that sent his body rolling off the alien, the breath knocked out of him as he collided with the pavement. "What the-?!" He rubbed at his head, squinting back at his attacker.

The Irken blinked wide from the vampire before him, the cloak flaring. He looked so tall from this angle, and almost.. intimidating..! Just almost. But NO ONE intimidates Invader ZIM! He grunted as the black fabric shot at him, twisting and wrapping. The Irken screamed from the cloak snaking around him, clenching up to defend. He blinked as he realized he had simply been helped up from the ground.

The alien made a face, brow furrowed as the fabric retracted. He glanced back to his nemesis to study his state before glaring hard at the vampire. "Why did you _do_ that?!"

"He was trying to take off your disguise," Zephyr defended, narrowing an eye. "And was going to cuff you."

"You stench of LIES, filthy _vampire_ beast!"

Dib picked himself up, massaging his aching shoulder. "Actually, that's exactly what I was going for," he confirmed, glancing around for his missing weapon. "Nyah! Where did-?!" His eyes landed on the cuffs dangling from the creature's fingers. And just below, a sewer grate.

Zephyr eyed him carefully, only his thumb and index now suspending the cuffs. He was going to drop them..!

"No!" Dib cried, diving for them.

The vampire immediately released them, the weapon clanging all the way down as it fell through the forbidden area. Rats screeched and swarmed from the entrance.

The child ignored them, face planted as he banged his fists against the ground, crying out his frustrations.

The Irken blinked as his nemesis wailed in defeat, judging.. Judging... "Wait a minute..!" Zim pointed to the vampire. "You _helped_ Zim?" He placed the hand to his chest, eye wide in suspicion. "That does not make any sense!"

Dib ripped his head up from the ground, glaring. "It makes _perfect_ sense! That means he is working with _you_ , and _not_ me!" He watched the vampire menacingly. "And that just means that I'll have _two_ paranormal creatures to catch."

Zephyr stayed a little ways behind the alien, eyeing the child with nothing but disdain. "I was only trying to help!"

"Yeah, 'help' the _alien scum_!" Dib accused, pointing. "But that doesn't matter. I'm going to expose the _both_ of you! Just you wait!"

Zephyr cringed. The kid was seriously creeping him out. Expose them how? Well, for Zim, that was obvious. But for him? How did that even work?

"You hear that, _Zim_?! You may have won this round, but I'll be back! And even _more_ prepared than before! You'll see! You'll all see!" He hissed out to the heavens.

Zim blinked, brow furrowing as the human ran off, but not before sticking his tongue out back at the Irken. He hummed in irritation, observing the direction where his nemesis had disappeared in. After a small while, he snapped to attention, hissing. "GIR!" He barked as he darted off.

The vampire only watched before he started to trail after him. "Zim-!" He called after, but his voice came out as a mere peep. Unintentional. He had no control over the volume of his voice. Always too quiet.

He slowly exhaled, drooping.

* * *

Zim searched here and there, seething. But worried. But still furious! How _dare_ they ditch their Master like that! He glanced around the empty block before a microphone extended from his Pak. " _Gir_!" He snapped into it. "Where are you?! Come back to your Master this instant! Zim commands it!"

The alien waited almost patiently for a response, staring into the device. "Gir!" He snapped. "Respond to me! Respond to ZIM! Do not make me resort to bribery!"

"Did you need help?"

The Irken jumped, whipping around to the eavesdropper. He glared at the vampire, scoffing as the microphone slowly came back out again. "No! And certainly not from _you_! Go do whatever it is that vampires do and leave Zim be!" He stepped away, huffing to himself. "Gir, if you do not answer me in the next three seconds, I'll-!"

"Scream some more?"

The alien narrowed his eyes, slowly turning back around to glower at the creature, judging with his harsh gaze. "Do you not know how to mind your own _business_ , _vampire_?" He seethed, microphone wavering.

The creature approached, though made sure to maintain a safe distance from that look he was given. "But I could help," he offered.

"Pah!" The Irken sneered as he marched. "What could YOU possibly help with? You could not even stop the human from escaping my inescapable base! You are of no use to-!" He paused, antennae shifting under the wig as he glanced over the drying vampire. He stared for a long time, gears creaking as they struggled to turn. "WAIT!"

Zephyr grunted from the yell, readjusting himself. He covered his damaged ear, cringing. "Can you be any louder?!"

Zim continued on, "If I ran a chemical scan of that filthy sludge you are wearing to establish a tracking signal to the remaining sources, I should be able to locate them!"

"What?" Zephyr blinked before he made a face, reeling from the alien device. "What is that?"

The Irken grinned, lips curling devilishly as he advanced. Eyes dangerous. "Where are _you_ going?" He purred. "Don't you _want_ to help?" He clutched the scanner, the glow of the screen illuminating the pink that bled through his lenses.

The vampire continued to step back, fingers fidgeting. "Yes, but – I, uhm – what exactly does that thing do?" He tensed as he felt a cold, cement wall.

The alien smirked maliciously. "Oh, it just extracts the chemical signature of interest from a bodily organ. In this case, your skin," he leered.

Zephyr twitched. "Will it hurt?"

The Invader stared before bursting out in hysterical laughter.

The vampire shot him a lopsided frown. He watched the alien cackle, glancing away awkwardly before his focus returned from the pause.

"Of course it will, you fool," Zim grinned before snapping forward.

Zephyr held his hands up in defense. "Wait! Can't you just take some of this stuff off of me?! It's not fused to me! It's only on me!"

The alien narrowed an eye, frozen to the spot. "Eh? Well, err, I guess I can," he blinked. "But that would not be nearly as entertaining!"

Zephyr hissed, cloak rising in defense from the next advance.

The alien grunted from the shove, temple hitting the pavement. He growled, holding his head wearily. The Irken slowly sat up, groaning quietly.

The vampire's face twisted with fear. "Zim," he squeaked. "Uh-!" How do you apologize again?

Zim blinked rapidly as his Pak scanned for damage, eyes landing on the scanner. "Establishing," it informed.

Zephyr stood by, awkwardly trying to check the alien for injury, but was too afraid to touch. He nervously twitched as he waited for his impending doom. "Uhm.. Are you.. alright?"

The Irken's attention was recaptured by the device, observing it work. Purple speckles were on the screen. "AHA! Success!" He jumped up, grin large as he ventured off. "Come, filthy vampire! I cannot be confusing _your_ signature with Gir's," he scoffed.

The creature of night stared after the recovered alien. What on Earth just..? Zephyr hesitated to move.

Zim eventually noticed the lack of life form following him. He stopped to look back at the pale creature, an eye slowly widening. "Zephyr!" He snapped.

The vampire frowned, carefully following. "Fine," he shaped up, stepping after. "Just please don't pull any more alien things out on me like that. It's creepy."

"Zim will do as he pleases!" the alien sneered. "Now, come! And do not speak! Your voice irritates Zim to _no end!_ "

Zephyr scowled slightly, tugging his cloak around him in a secure wrap. "Do you have to talk in third person?"

* * *

" _GAZ_! Gaz, I was right! Zim IS working with the vampire! Just think about the publicity I'll get! Alien AND vampire turned into the authorities! The SEN will actually value me as a real member! I'll finally have followers who won't just flame all of my posts!"

The child gritted her teeth, trying to focus on the screens. "Dib, if you don't get _out_ of _my room_ , I will make sure that you wake up _dead_ tomorrow morning with your corpse glued to the ceiling above your bed by your precious hair."

Dib furrowed his brow. "But how would I wake up if I was dead?"

Gaz growled, clenching the mouse to a point that it was close to exploding. Her head slowly turned – all the way, in fact – as her eyes glowed red. " _Get out of my room, NOW, Dib_!" came the child's unearthly hiss.

The human cringed from the awakening dolls around his terrifying sister. "Alright, alright!" He cried, fleeing from the dark, purple cavern, door slamming after him.

Gaz immediately refocused on her game, glaring.

"Was that your brother?"

"Yeah, forget about it." The child readjusted her headset before fingers returned to keys. "Let's just get this boss battle over with."

"Suit yourself."

* * *

The child tapped away, leg moving restlessly. "This isn't good, this isn't good," he repeated over and over to himself, surfing the databases. He was not supposed to be in this part of the Internet. Rumour has it that if you're discovered searching through the forbidden area, you go missing – one way or another.

He felt his hair stick to the back of his neck as his eyes shifted over the screen. The Dark Web: A territory that should not be stumbled upon. He had seen horrible, horrible things within the list of links. And granted, the government has already passed through to cover up what could point fingers to their more.. questionable activities, so he knew that he was only barely grazing the tip of the iceberg.

Still, he was there for one reason, and one reason only; to find actually useful information on vampires. So far, no luck. The closest thing he found to it was a cult website on cannibalism. Dib shuddered.

He scoffed as his virus protection software blew up, clicking away the popups. It was warding off another wave of hackers. He double-checked his covered webcam, an exhale slowly exiting his lips.

"Any luck, Agent Mothman?"

Dib screamed, tumbling out of the rolling chair. Hair askew. "Agent Tunaghost! Agh – Sorry, I thought – nnh, nevermind.." He picked himself up, climbing back into the chair. The child looked up before blowing at the drooping piece, sending the lock back into perfect position.

"Understandable," the agent on the floating screen observed his computer before turning her attention back to her fellow SEN member. "The Dark Web is a dangerous place. You're very brave for venturing it. Or very stupid. I've had my fair share of looking into it."

"Really?" Dib glanced up to the shrouded agent. "What were you looking for?"

"It's better that I don't get into it, for your sake. Let's just say that someone was bugging me."

The child furrowed his brow before refocusing on his screen, glasses illuminated. "Okay, well, I haven't found anything just yet. But something tells me I shouldn't be on here for much longer."

"And that something is right. The Dark Web is not a playground. Especially for kids your age."

"You think I can't handle myself by now? I've stopped the Earth from total destruction countless times! This is nothing." Dib clicked through the next link. Finally. A website on vampires. He scrolled through the wall of text, tensing from the gore that entered his retinas.

"That's.. That's just disgusting." Tunaghost stared with him. "How is that body even..?"

"You know what? I don't wanna know," Dib exited the web all together. The child sat back in his seat, sighing heavily. "Have you or Disembodied Head found anything on them?"

"No," she looked away before sighing. "Look, Agent, if you need weaknesses, then you'll just have to use trial and error. That's all I can say. No one has actual knowledge in that field of them. I mean, there's that wooden stake thing, but that's been recently disproved."

"What? By who?!"

"One of our own. You probably wouldn't recognize his name. Doesn't matter."

Dib watched her screen intently, "Try me."

"Uhm, well, CrazyNomed. He knows a lot about vampires, but hasn't exactly shared with us any information to weaken them. He's very secretive. Hasn't come to one meeting. Honestly, I think he's bluffing it all. Whoever he is, he hasn't shown his face to any of us."

"But a lot of our members are like that," Dib lifted an eyebrow.

"Yeah, the questionable ones. Anyway, Agent Mothman, I have a few matters to attend to, so I bid you good luck with your research. And be sure to take precautions. I'll let you know if we find anything."

"Thanks," Dib drooped slightly as the screen shut off and trailed away. "Agent CrazyNomed," he hummed. That was the guy he had started talking to. Questionable, very. But bluffing? He wasn't quite sure. So the guy was secretive. It wasn't a big deal. You _had_ to be in this field.

The child simply sat there, biting at the skin of his thumb as his leg bounced. Maybe he can ask more into it later. The guy was probably getting ready around now to break into that haunted house after the tour guides closed down shop. Dib glanced towards his window. Sunset.

"...Huh. I wonder if Zim found his _eeevil_ _helpers_ yet." He leaned forward to his laptop again to tap into the spycam, clicking through the video feed. He always had the window open. If his computer was on, the program was running. Forever active in the background.

He narrowed his eyes. No aliens yet. But he'll be watching! _Earth's saviour never rests!_

* * *

"Dib, come downstairs! Dad ordered pizza!" Gaz glared at her brother from the doorway, slamming the door with her departure.

The child gasped as he shot awake, sitting upright. Gyah! He had fallen asleep?! How long had he been watching the cameras?!

He shook the mouse to awaken his computer, rubbing his eyes. It was nearing eight, his computer claimed, and still an empty base. He frowned slightly, rubbing at his arm. "Wow, Zim's henchmen thingies must really be lost if he hasn't been able to track them down yet.." He stared before shrugging. "Oh well." He grinned and jumped down from his chair, running to the door. "Coming, Gaz!"

* * *

"How could there not be any signal?!" The Irken hissed, frustrated enough to crush the thing under his boot and jump on it until it was nothing but rubble. RUBBLE!

"I don't know," the vampire made a face from the alien's rage. He was never taught how to handle these things. He stood there awkwardly as the Irken tore at his wig.

"Gir's robotic shell must be masking it somehow! Preventing the chemical compound from being tracked!" He threw the device with a hiss. " _That robot_ ," Zim gritted his teeth, fists shaking.

Zephyr picked up the discarded technology, staring at it before he worked up the courage to move a quarter of a millimeter towards the Irken. "Did you really have to throw this?"

"YOU!" The Irken whipped around to point. "If YOU had not come around begging ZIM for disgusting _pig_ -innards, none of this would have happened!"

The creature of night blinked, wiping the Irken's spittle from his face. "What are you talking about?"

"Gimme that!" Zim snatched the scanner from the vampire's hands, scowling accusingly at him. "How DARE you steal Irken technology! Are you mad?!"

Zephyr deadpanned. "I didn't steal anything! Look, if you want to find your robot or whatever, then standing here and yelling at me isn't going to get you anywhere!"

"Enough of your distractions!" The Irken waved him away, glowering down at the pavement as he crossed his arms, scanner returning to his Pak. "The only other way I could possibly find them is to build a force strong enough to attract Gir and Minimoose's unique metal alloys! But such a task could take days! This is insanity!" He hissed as he held his head.

"Uhm.." Zephyr hesitated to make a move, not quite knowing how the Irken would react. So far, he has been only unpredictable. "Maybe we can call the police..?" He immediately regretted opening his mouth. The vampire cringed from the look he was given.

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" The Invader stomped towards him, getting in his face. "ZIM will not call upon the _Earth_ authorities for help! That is the lowest idea I have ever heard! How REVOLTING of a plan! You are of no help _at all_! You should be _ashamed_ of yourself!"

The vampire was frozen as the alien told him off, blinking. He righted himself as soon as the alien stood down, fixing his collar. "Well if you can't find them on your own and you won't go to the police, then I can't help you!"

"Of _course_ you cannot help!" Zim shrieked, scoffing as he started to march again. "You are the most helpless, pitiful, _vile_ thing Zim has EVER had the displeasure of laying his traumatized implants upon! Do you hear me?! _Begone_!" He commanded. "Allow me to wallow in this disastrous matter alone!"

The vampire stopped following with a sigh, blinking dully. He watched the Irken go ahead without him. Zephyr rolled his eyes, trying to not internalize the alien's nonsensical insults. "Fine," he slouched, cloak dragging as he turned to walk to find an alley somewhere, but he suddenly stopped.

He blinked wide from the commotion behind the glass across the street. A green dog, eating other dogs. A shop owner trying to catch it. A purple, floating badger or whatever fending him off. Customers screamed as they fled the building, some of the puppies for adoption escaping.

"Zim!" He called after the Irken.

The alien growled to himself from that irritatingly soft voice. So irritating that he wished to _pierce_ it with a thousand explosive soap dispensers! They have those, you know.

Zim glowered as he whipped out his Pak legs menacingly, poised at the vampire that had tried to touch him. " _Youwillknowthevengeanceofexplosivesoap!_ "

"What?" Zephyr blinked, holding up his hands in defense. "I mean, uhm, those robot things that you've been looking for-"

" _No!_ I am _finished_ with you and your _filthy_ suggestions! You irritate me! You are lucky that Zim does not have an automatic space launcher on his person at all times!"

"But-"

"Enough!" He barked, scowling again. "What do you take me for, _vampire_?" His tone dropped dangerously. "A fool?!"

"Uhm-"

"ZIM IS NO FOOL!" He bursted, effectively blowing the vampire back to the pavement. He seemed to ignore the terrified customers swarming past them. "I am _done_ with you and your ffffFILTHY vampire clown masks! If I see you again within my vicinity, I will rip out _every last piece_ of that _disGUSTing_ weasel fur that sprouts from your _ugly_ , _misshapen_ head, and I will make you EAT IT while you cry for a drink to wash it down that Zim will NOT ALLOW! _DO YOU HEAR ME?!_ "

The vampire sat there, eye twitching. Okay. He was almost convinced that this alien had not one drop of sanity to his name. Who even says those things?! Wait. Nevermind. Now he knows. "You.. are the biggest moron that I have ever met," he glared. "Just look across the street!" the vampire snapped, pointing.

"Hem?" The alien wilted as his eyes met the chaos that he had blindly ranted through. Flying dog monsters! The glass just shattered from puppy impact. Screams that could be none other than his robot's ringing through. "GYAH!" His Pak legs retracted as he darted across the road.

Zephyr smacked his forehead. He honestly should have just let the car hit him. Something tells him that it wouldn't have been the first time, either.

"Gir! _GIR_!" The Irken clenched his teeth as just jumped up through the display, flinching from the scene before him. The workers were trying to help out one of their own, who was currently on the ground, covering the puppies that were strapped to his head – and Gir was drooling all over him, trying to get to them! They managed to snatch the robot, trying to put him away in one of the cages..! Minimoose circled in panic, up until one of the humans swatted him away with a broom.

Zim's rage flared from the action, wires whipping out to steal their weapon.

The employees froze from the intruder in the display case, stares falling on the Irken before them.

The Invader glared, snapping the broom in half.

Chaos ensued.

The vampire watched as the Irken proceeded to terrorize the pet store. The rest of the dogs escaped. Soda machine exploded. He tied the workers together with leashes. This horrible flash with some suspended dome device appeared, and in a matter of seconds, they were all foaming at the mouth. Fire.

He stared as the Irken emerged from the display with Minimoose and Gir securely attached to his torso with more leashes, flames roaring behind him. Zim jumped down, casually stepping away from the site with his minions as the pet store exploded.

Zephyr could only watch as the alien disappeared around the block, police cars swarming in the other direction and piling up. He cringed, making a run for it.

* * *

"Welcome home, son!"

Zim shut the door, immediately sighing of relief. "Well, at least I was able to spread _some_ chaos," he untied the leashes from his waist, "and I _was_ able to rid myself of the _Dib_ -human.. Today was not a _total_ waste."

"Nyeh!" Minimoose floated around, leash dragging.

"AWW, MASTAH~" Gir screeched, steps squeaking as he ran up to the Irken, crushing his torso. "YOU SAVE US!"

The purple robot joined his companion in bombarding the Irken, rubbing his face all over the alien's head with affection. "Nya~!"

Zim grunted from the attack, immediately gripping at the powerful arms, hissing. "Gyah! Get off of me! Get off of your Master! Enough! You're hideous!"

"Aww, honey," the robot father pulled out his pipe. "Our son gets along _so_ well with his robot doggy and radioactive gerbil! Just look at them!"

"Awww," the female parental unit folded her gloved hands under her chin. "Isn't that just adorable? Why don't _you_ hold me like that anymore?!"

The male robot blinked out of sync, a circuit malfunctioning. A wave of electricity. "Hey! Why _don't_ I hold you like that anymore? Let's go make our son congratulatory muffin pops!"

The mother robot gasped, fanning herself with excitement. "Oh, he'll just love them!"

Zim screamed, oblivious to the parental units racing into the kitchen, the Irken drowning in green and purple. "Computer! _Help me!_ "

"No! Your screaming is interrupting my beauty sleep," the computer dully informed.

Zim's eyes widened as the door behind him opened, wires grabbing the three. A suspended boot sent them all flying, the alien and robots tumbling out into the street.

"You can stay out there until you're _done yelling_!" The men's door slammed.

Zim sat there on the road with his minions, blinking.

Gir welled up with tears. "But – but – TV! I _need_ TV or I-I.. I won't have it!"

"Nyah!" Minimoose sobbed, proceeding to cry with his green companion.

The Irken glared down at them, ripping the robots from his person, effectively tearing his uniform. " _Enough_! I have had enough excitement for one day! _Go_ find us a box to stay in for the night!"

Gir immediately shot up with a scream, running off. Probably into neighbor's houses, or to wrestle the local hobo for his box home. Minimoose stayed, speaking his mind.

"Yes, Minimoose," the alien sighed from the squeak of a thousand wisdoms. "You can have your own box."

The purple robot smiled, rubbing himself against the Irken again, squeaking.

Zim glared from his rotten luck as screams and alarms started to fill the background.

He could not wait for a new day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't trust the expired, radiating ice cream. It reeks of mystery, and not the good kind.
> 
> Invader ZIM signing off.


	3. Stalkers Stalking Stalks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My prime objective is to confuse you. Now - be confused. Be very, very confused. Are you confused yet? I sure am.

****

**dEfEcTiVe?**

* * *

He watched.

That's what he has always done, hasn't he? Ever since birth. Watching the world around him. Noticing what others didn't.

Observant. It's what he was cursed to forever be. Some days he just wanted to hunt down and strangle whoever had the bright idea of making him the way he was. Scratch that, _every_ day.

Then again, he didn't necessarily believe in a creator. If his existence truly had a puppeteer, then they must be one very sick man. Or woman. Manwoman?

"Can you just stop?"

Dib blinked, shaken from his thoughts. "Wha-? Oh, uhm, sorry, Gaz. But I have to keep watch! He's plotting something! Just look at him being… evil!"

Gaz lifted her focused gaze from the screen to eye said alien.

What met her was the true epitome of boredom. She had never witnessed someone with such little excitement in her entire life.. not including herself. "Oh, yeah, that's evil, if I've ever seen it," she scoffed, eyes falling back to her outlet, game resuming.

"Well, you just missed what he was doing!"

"Whatever, Dib," she rolled her eyes.

The young investigator deadpanned, sighing slightly. He should be used to it by now. It's been over a year of this.. this… madness.

It was ridiculous! The longer that alien menace stayed here, _hardly_ blending in amongst them as a sorry excuse for a skool kid, the easier it was for him to get away with him just being… him.

It's like he didn't even try anymore! Openly experimenting on people, asking questions that no normal child would ask, even sharing knowledge that only an ALIEN would know, like how many galaxies beyond theirs had a similar structure in terms of planets and constellation maps! And he could have _sworn_ that Zim mentioned something about creatures of pure energy living on the Sun. Something along those lines, anyway. Whatever.

Regardless, the Irken was getting too comfortable for Dib's taste! This was _his_ planet, and there was no way that Earth's saviour was going to let some alien monster reside here without a massive amount of trouble!

Gaz hardly twitched as she sensed her brother stand. She vaguely glanced his way, not needing any further clues to conclude where Dib was heading. The female huffed, "don't bother coming back."

Dib ignored the comment as he stepped around the table, eyeing his target like a predator. Adrenaline wormed its way through him as he came closer and closer, his gut flooded with it - surging with it.

He grunted as a force collided with his head, shutting an eye. His hand covered the wound at the back of his skull, glancing down to the apple that was rolling away. Laughter.

He glared, his temper biting hard. _They're just kids, Dib. They're immature. Don't let them bother you._

With an intake and release of air, he went on, approaching his destination.

Zim barely flinched from the smack of a laptop down on the tabletop across from him. He stared at it, then at the deep, blue bag before he glanced up. Lavender clashing amber. "Dib-pig."

"Space bug."

The Irken observed with a wicked grin, mirroring his nemesis. "Come to cry about your sad, little failure?"

"Uh, no?" Dib narrowed an eye as he sat across from the alien. "I just let you off easy."

"Of course," Zim smirked. "Because fleeing in terror is 'letting me off easy'." He tilted his head, looking away temporarily before he eyed his arch-nemesis again from the movement of lips.

"You just got lucky that Zephyr was around!"

"Who?"

"Zim," the child's shoulders dropped. "The vampire?"

"Oh, yes, him," the Irken folded his hands. "Well, Zim did not ask for his help! I need no help against you! I have defeated you countless of times, after all."

"That's because your stupidity lets you get away with everything," Dib defended with a sneer. "And you can't fool me, Zim. You teamed up. It's obvious."

The Irken puckered his lip from the insult, his brow furrowing. "Teamed up? With _that_ filthy thing? HA! AHAHA!"

Dib blinked slowly, unamused as the alien cackled. "He knows where you live," he spoke over it. "He followed you into town. He defended you. He spared you. He was in your base, and he left unscathed. Do you need anymore proof?"

"Hem?" Zim drooped, blinking in confusion. "Filthy child," he hissed out. "Your paranoia is as big as your head! Enough of your disgusting jealousy!"

"Jealousy?" Dib made a face. "Why would I be jealous of _him_? He's a walking, undead, uh - dead thing! There's nothing to be jealous about!"

"I did not specify of _him_ ," Zim narrowed an eye, silent for moments before he glowered. "You are obviously jealous of ZIM! That mutated gopher child betrayed you," the Irken stated, his grin reappearing. "I see through your pathetic attempt to disguise your jealousy, Dib-worm. You are upset that you are so scary that you scared away a scary scarebeast! With scares!"

The child only stared. "You know, you make less and less sense the longer I know you." Dib scowled. "And I'm not jealous that he decided to stick with my nemesis instead of.. me," he shifted slightly in his seat before adjusting his coat collar, the jerk giving him a small boost in confidence. "After all, my final victory will be much sweeter with the both of you scrambling to hide from the media." He shot a smirk his rival's way. "And the Swollen Eyeball is working with me to take you and your vampire down as we speak."

Zim puffed his cheeks, fingers kneading one another in the grasp. "Enough of your assumptions! Zephyr and I are completely separate forces! If I could even call him that, that pathetic lamppost. I assure you, Dib-stink, we are _not_ allies." The alien blinked. "Err, 'we' as in, he and I-"

"Yeah. I got that." Dib rolled his eyes before flipping open his laptop, kneeling on the bench to lean over the table towards his nemesis. "The SEN members are helping me right now to break down your vampire friend piece by piece. See?"

The Irken stiffened as he felt the waves of heat radiate from his rival. Too close for comfort. His eyes dropped to the screen shown to him, the information gliding over it. "Is it not S'M'N?"

"S'M'N?" Dib blinked. "What does the M..? Gyah.. Whatever. It's S'E'N, you moron. And we've been collecting a ton of information on vampires and weaknesses. It's only a matter of time before we completely wipe him out, and you with him."

"Salt?" Zim blew off the rant, only eyeing him curiously.

"Uh.. yeah."

The alien blinked, eyes travelling around momentarily before they came back. "You will season him?"

"What? No! It's some old legend or whatever! You know, where vampires have to count every last grain after salt spills or something."

"I thought that was elderly people," the Irken's gaze landed back on the screen, however, the lid slammed, and he reeled.

"No! You just - I don't know where you pull this information from, but you're wrong! You're just _wrong_ , Zim!"

The alien blinked up at his rival temporarily, though his fake pupils started to sink. A scowl finally took over his features. "Zim could not care less if you were to kill that vampire leopard gerbil," he sneered. "Go ahead and take him out! If anything, it will only be a _convenience_ to Zim! That filthy thing had a nerve to call me short! ZIM is not short!"

"I don't remember him calling you-"

"YOURMOUTHWILLBETIEDTOYOURINTESTINES!"

Dib's face scrunched from the outburst, putting space between them. "Uhm.. okay..?" He scratched at the back of his neck before furrowing his brow. "But you two are definitely together. I mean, not like 'together' together, as in, in love or whatever, that would just be weird, I mean, I'm not judging or anything, it's not like I care -"

The Irken sat there, staring as his nemesis's mouth ran a mile a minute. Something about a love pig. Or maybe a weasel? Alien vampires, and vampire aliens, world domination, blood pacts, hospital funds, smeets…?

He dully blinked, slowly sinking his chin into his gloved palm as he watched the child rant. Dib's face was turning red. Avoiding eye contact. Fidgeting. Shoulders tense.

" - not that you should, I mean, I would rather the Earth _not be_ inhabited by hybrids. Is this creepy that I'm bringing this up? Do you think it's creepy? Don't answer that."

Dib blinked back at his alien rival, face entirely flushed. Silence between them.

The Invader continued to watch with a very lacking enthusiasm. "Are you quite finished?"

"Uhm.." Dib looked off to the side before returning his nervous focus to the green child, who wasn't actually a child, but a fully-grown alien adult, or rather, maybe not entirely full grown, and still looked like a child, so maybe he _could_ have been a child -

"Yes?" he cut off his inner voice, thumbs twiddling slightly below the table edge.

Zim only continued to furrow his brow at his nemesis. The Irken stared for moments longer before he bit his tongue, searching the air around them for words. "Err.. anyhow, yes! I do not mind if you were to erase him from existence entirely. He is of no value to me, and is not of my concern."

Dib felt himself twitch from that. "But-!" His fists clenched at his temples before slamming them down against the tabletop. "Agh! Stop lying to me! You two are working together! Case closed! Moving on! That's that!"

The alien immediately scowled, his eyes sparked with utmost fury. "Zim will not sit here and accept your filthy, patronizing tongue," he hissed. "Begone, Earth-stink, and take your.." He eyed the laptop and bag with heavy disgust. "FfffFILTHY belongings with you!" he spat, shoving the computer - by having to touch it, much to his distaste - over the edge.

The child caught it in an instant. "Hey! This thing is delicate!" He grunted from the smack of his textbook-filled backpack to his shoulder, the slam effectively wrenching him from the bench seat.

He hissed out as his back came into contact with the hard tile, the breath knocked out of him. He groaned slightly. Man, what a nasty bruise he was going to find one morning.

His expression flipped as the child recollected himself, grabbing for the strap of his bag. "Whatever, lizard! Just wait and we'll see who's of no value to -" Dib stared at the empty table, brain skipping over the last few moments of information.

The clicks of boots. Someone throwing away a tray not too far off. The lunch room door.

Zim had left the room before the bell while Dib was down, he gathered. He narrowed his eyes to the security guards on either side of the door. They were not really paying attention to their job. Then again, most adults, he noticed, did not necessarily pay attention to their jobs either. The only person he has ever known to actually care about their work was his sister's teacher, and his dad. _Especially_ his dad.

He rubbed at his left shoulder with a huff, using the bench to pull his aching body upright. The Irken can't run from him forever. It was only a matter of time before he will find himself cornered and vulnerable to - !

"Ngh!" Dib comforted the wound at the back of his head, glaring back at the collective laughter. Another apple.

He scowled down at it before kicking it away, shoving his laptop back into his bag and slinging the strap over his shoulder, stomping out.

* * *

So, _this_ was the skool that they attended. It's quite odd, really. He could have sworn that skool was spelled 'school', and not in the way that it was labeled high up on the front of the building. Hmn.

The pale creature's gaze followed the green dot in the sea of children. Slightly obscured by the fence before him. He would come closer to see past it, but in catching a squirrel try to run atop the barrier and be fried to death was enough for him to keep quite a fair distance from the metal all together.

What kind of a skool had an electric fence surrounding its premises? He knew that the world was a messed up place and all, but to this extent? What if a kid were to accidentally touch it? Wouldn't the board get sued or something?

He didn't follow much law. He didn't follow much of anything at all, actually. But one thing that he did follow was the sport that the alien was participating in. Well, not followed. Honestly, he had no idea how to play volleyball. He couldn't even recollect the last time he played it. Or if he ever played it, that is. Things get pretty fuzzy when you've been around for a while.

A whistle. " _ZIM!_ "

The vampire was shaken from his thoughts, his voids for eyes coming back into focus.

"I appreciate you participating in gym with your classmates today, but a team is a team for a reason!"

"Nonsense! These filth children are nowhere _near_ as able-bodied as ZIM to relieve this side of the butterfly net of that injured ball!"

What in the name of…? Was that a boy or a girl?

Zephyr stared at the coach with horrifying fangs protruding from.. their top lip. Or were they were tusks? His mouth curled in discomfort as he watched the fight.

"I don't know what you just said, but your combative screaming with mine has earned you a time out!"

"Time out?!" The Irken sneered. " _Zim_ did nothing to deserve such demeanor! I demand to speak to your lord and master!"

Zephyr blinked as the alien clung to the Earth from another blast of a whistle.

"TIME OUT! _NOW!_ "

The pale child studied as the Irken stuck his odd tongue out and stomped off. The game resumed, children laughing amongst themselves. His eyes followed the alien to his destination. A lonely bench under a tree. Away from the activity. The alien crossed his arms, head lifted in superiority as he observed his schoolmates across the yard. Body language slowly deteriorating.

Zephyr caught the alien starting to droop, his eyes sinking. Slouching. Moping. His makeshift confidence completely disappeared..

And then he was suddenly perking up? The vampire narrowed his gaze, searching for context clues to aid him.

Dib. That creepy paranormal investigator kid again. Approaching him. Looming. Mouth moving. The alien grew a maniacal grin.

He seemed to be enjoying the company, was the only thing that Zephyr could assume. Enjoying the company of his.. rival? What in the world was going on between these two?

"Aren't they just the best?!"

The creature jerked away from the voice, whipping around to stare. Holding his cloak up for protection.

"Wow! Cool costume! Is it for Halloween? Oh, I love Halloween! Too much sugar makes me so sick, but it's still so fun! Are you cosplaying? How is that cape staying on your back like that? Does it hurt? Can I try it on?"

Zephyr failed to blink as he observed this ginger child verbally attacking him. His gaze shifted quickly, judgement running like the wind. "Uhm," he took a step away, putting space between them. The kid was so.. perky. Bright, wide eyes, and a rainbow on his shirt.

This is all the information Zephyr needed to categorize the child into the avoid-at-all-costs column. What was with these rude children nowadays? First Dib, now this kid. What creeps. Honestly, he wanted to bury himself and wait it out until the planet decided to finally turn in the towel and explode on the spot. At least _then_ he wouldn't have to deal with anymore awkward encounters. Those are the worst. He would give up his left foot if he had the choice between it and encounters like this.

The child was just smiling. Hands clasped before him sweetly. Eyes at attention. He was waiting for a response as the vampire just stood there, poised in defense and.. staring stupidly.

What do you even say to that? The kid just garbled nonsense to him. He couldn't remember half of what he asked now. He didn't even greet him. Not that it mattered. By any means, he did not want to talk to anymore strangers that week. But he was standing there, waiting..!

Zephyr shifted with obvious discomfort, eyes straying temporarily. "Uhm.." Did he already mumble that? Did he sound stupid right now? What are words? How do English?

"My name's Keef! What's yours?" the child took the initiative, apparently not deterred from the previous response. Or, lack of.

The vampire hesitantly lowered the black fabric from his nose, brow furrowing. "Zephyr," he finally responded, relieved from the ounce of intelligence that flooded back to him. He hasn't completely lost it.. yet.

"Zephyr? I heard of something like that! Something about wind of whatever!"

The creature scowled slightly from the mention. "Well, it's 'Zuh-fear', not 'Zeh-fur'."

"Okay! 'Zuh-fear'! I gotchya!" he grinned wider… if that was even possible. Zephyr was surprised that the kid's lips didn't tear through his cheeks yet. He saw that from somewhere a while back. Cheeks ripped to extend a smile past the lips. He couldn't remember much other than that lonely detail, though, so the reference was at a loss to him.

"Anyway, I saw you watching my friends over there! They're my bestest buddies in the whole wide world! Especially Zim, he's really cool and Gir and I hang out all the time! You should go to the movies with us sometime! The more, the merrier!" He stifled a giggle.

Gir. Zim's dog… robot.. whatever thing. That thing scared him senseless the first time they came into contact. How could it be pleasant enough for someone to be willing to spend time with it?

Wait a minute. Why exactly was this kid outside of the fence with him? Perhaps he left skool early? Or was just arriving? The vampire blinked, clearly lost. "Wait, you know Zim?"

"Yeah! We play games, go to the park, shop, even phonecalls! I love talking to him over the phone, he's just so fun!"

The pale creature furrowed his brow. "And, do you already know that he's an-?" The vampire immediately cut himself off.

Should he be revealing the alien like that? Should he care?

"An awesome guy?!" Keef squealed. "Boy, is he! Zim's my bestest pal ever!"

"Mhm," the vampire blinked, his gaze trailing back to the alien across the yard, and the child who accompanied him. Poking and prodding, yet the Irken seemed far from bothered.

"Keef, was it?" Zephyr blatantly stared at the two enemies.

"Yup! The one and only!"

"A blessing, I'm sure." The vampire's focus shifted to Dib alone, eyes travelling over his rather gothic wardrobe. How did he ever manage to get his hair in that shape?

"Could you tell me about those two?" He pointed faintly.

"Oh, sure! I can go on forever about them!" Keef's excitement level seemed to spike by a landslide, the energy radiating off of him filling the vampire with a rising tension. "Well, they like to play around a lot! Movies, sleepovers, ooo, and carnivals! They love carnivals!"

He didn't know how much more he could take of this child. He wanted information, but his voice..! Too… happy..!

Zephyr's legs started to move on their own accord. Away.

"Oh, I'm sorry! Are you on your way home? Yeah, I'm getting tired too! Where do you live? Can I walk you home?"

The vampire scowled to himself as he felt the child follow after despite his efforts to ditch him.. in the least awkward way possible.

"I'm going home," he went along with it, "and no, I would rather you not. I don't necessarily like strangers knowing where I live."

"Well, that's good, because I'm not a stranger now!" He frolicked behind the creature. "Do you live in a house? Or an apartment? Zim lives in a really cool house! I cook for him all the time, and Gir and I make waffles, and we spend every Christmas together!"

Talking to this kid was a mistake. Creeper on all levels. Hyperactive creeper. Not a good combination.

"Keef," he turned to glare. He's run into these kinds of people before. Not many, but enough to know how to treat them. Firm, and relentless. "You are not coming home with me, and you are not going to follow me. Understand?"

The ginger blinked at him, smile faltering. "Aw, I understand. Your parents don't like other kids coming over to play, huh? That's okay! I'll see you around!"

The pale creature watched as the child strayed. Lingering back by the fence. It was a pretty creepy sight, to say the least.

Zephyr mirrored him, taking his leave as soon as possible, the alien in his sights until the building blocked his view. He circled around to the front, loitering by the staircase. Bars on the doors. Like a cell. An electric fence. That freaky cemetery in the back.

This skool was beyond terrifying. Come to think of it, any public place he came into contact with around here were terrifying. Perhaps that's why he kept to himself for so long. The public was a very unusual, judgmental place, and he despised the stares that he would receive on a daily basis. They made him self-conscious, like he was doing something wrong by sitting on a bench in the park, or just strolling through the city at night. People were always staring, as if there was a giant sign hanging above him saying, 'Look at the freak holding up this giant sign!'

Don't ask why he thought of that first. He doesn't know either.

Zephyr observed the premises for moments more before he moved along, taking to the sidewalk. He wondered if Zim took the bus to skool. It was a rather far walk from here..

If he could remember where the Irken lived. He glanced about. Cars. Stop signs. The occasional person walking their dog, or the other way around, it would appear.

He never _did_ learn how to drive. And even if he did, he was quite certain that there was not a vehicle built for children that was meant for the road. He was too short, and too.. young-looking to be behind the wheel, if you considered pale, withering skin _young_ -looking.

He waited at the crosswalk like a good citizen, however, he noticed that.. people did not wait anymore. They just crossed with the sign clearly saying, 'DO NOT WALK'. Sometimes he wondered if they knew how to read.

"Heya, buddy!"

Zephyr reeled, nearly tumbling into the open road. That kid again?! Oh, great! That's the last time he talks to any strangers on his own accord!

"I thought you could use a walking buddy! You know, making sure you get home safely and all!" Keef smiled his bright smile, rocking on his heels.

"I don't need a _walking buddy_ ," the creature snapped, immediately crossing upon the light change. He still watched out for vehicles, though, because through experience, he quickly latched onto the idea that some drivers were simply not meant to drive.

Despite his attempts to rid himself of the leech of a child, he followed right after him. "Hey! Did you ever play Candyland?"

Ignore him. Just ignore him, and he will eventually go away, Zephyr. He will get tired of a one-sided conversation. Just… ignore him.

"I play it all the time! Especially with Zim! We play all kinds of games! Rock, Paper, Scissors, Bubblegum, Slide! Ooo, and Twister! I love that game cuz it's just so fun! I love getting all tangled with friends!" He hardly tried to contain his bursting giggles, covering his mouth as he danced his way beside the vampire. "Video games are cool, too! Zim has plenty of those!"

Zephyr hardly side glanced, the ends of his lips twitching uncomfortably.

"-and we love the teacups! Especially eating the food! Cotton candy, and ice cream!"

The vampire's eye vaguely twitched as he dragged himself on. This was bad. He had no real destination, and the child was following him with a motor for a mouth. He was screwed if he didn't think of something quick!

"Hey, I'm hungry! Are you hungry? I'm sure Gir would love to cook with us! He's always cooking! Maybe we can play with Zim once he comes home from skool, too! Oh, he'll be so happy to see us!"

The pale creature eyed him in immediate interest. "Comes home? You mean, like go over his house?"

"Of course! I go over all the time to surprise him! Zim loves surprises! We should go over and make an after skool snack for him! He'll be so happy!"

"Please stop shouting," Zephyr scowled. "Do you know where his house is from here?"

"Boy, do I!" Keef squealed in excitement, taking the vampire's hand and dashing. "Wow, your hand is really cold!"

Zephyr cringed as he tried to keep up, scrambling with his cloak to protect it from any sharp rocks or shards on the way.

The kids were on something around here. They had to be. Either that, or his age was getting to him.

At least he wasn't withering to dust.

Yet.

* * *

"It sorta bothers me, I guess, since other kids always have their parents around and everything. But I prefer it this way most of the time because he's never into what I do, you know? I mean, yeah, it's cool what he does too, but it's not for me. It's just that parents are supposed to _support_ you, not project themselves onto you. They have to understand that you're a separate entity with your own drive and willpower!"

The Irken stayed at his nemesis's left side as they respectively walked and marched. They did this more and more frequently, this walking home together from skool thing. The Dib's sibling would sometimes join them in the beginning, up until they passed by the Membrane residence, to which she would part ways. His nemesis, however, tended to stay with him. Despite the child's obsessive behaviour, he did serve as quite good company.

Zim glanced about their surroundings as he always did. Scouring the area for possible threats. Always on the lookout. It was only natural for a trained soldier to be cautious, after all.

"Did you have to deal with any of this?"

The Irken slowly pulled his suspicious glance away from a scurrying chipmunk. "Ehm?"

Dib deadpanned. "Nevermind." He glanced away temporarily, eyeing the park around them. The trees were all practically bare, the leaves coating the ground. Someone actually had the decency to clear most of them from the sidewalk. Probably the work of inmates. Nothing says punishment like cleaning the environment.

"Can Irkens have babies?"

Zim blinked before throwing an incredulous glance at his rival. However, the question was not nearly as odd as some he has certainly heard come from the child's mouth. It was far from it, but it was still pretty odd.

It did not help that the alien was terribly lost when it came to such a subject, either. Irkens were cloned from DNA samples of the most.. desirable genetics. Strong, resourceful, and especially obedient. At some point within the early training stages of an Irken smeet, each and every one was evaluated. If their traits were not to the commander's liking, they were taken out. In other words, deactivated. Deleted, without a second thought.

Err, what did the child ask again? He stared blankly as he tried to backtrack, but that was proving to be useless. At no point were they speaking of a moose. Or were they?

"Do you listen to anything I say?" Dib scowled. "I asked if you can have children. It's a yes or no question," he snapped in defense from the uncomfortable stare.

Oh, yes! Now his train of thought made more sense. "Of course I could! What kind of a question is that?!"

Dib blinked at his nemesis with an obvious spike in curiosity. "You can? Wait - you mean like impregnating, or being impregnated?"

"Yes?" Zim narrowed an eye carefully, blinking as the human facepalmed.

"It was either or, Zim. You can't -" The child's face twisted suddenly, turning back on his nemesis. "Unless you mean that your species has the ability to do either or?! That's incredible! I mean, it would explain your wider hips, not that I was looking there or anything, but that is just.. just… incredible!"

Zim furrowed his brow, his wig shifting as he tilted his head forward to compare the width of their hips. It was rather difficult when the human insisted on wearing that shrouding trench coat of his. It was not exactly skin tight. But neither was the top layer of his uniform. It puffed out, but you could certainly tell his hip width by the position of his thighs. Following this logic, Zim did the same for his nemesis.

Not nearly as spread as his. But what did that even mean? "Why incredible? Not every human can produce offspring?" He made a face from the sheer thought.

"Duh," the human sneered. "Why else would I be saying that?"

The alien blinked before shooting a glare back, bumping shoulders with the child to send a small shove, hip following the motion to send his nemesis off balance.

"Hey!" he stumbled before firing himself right back.

The alien threw himself full force against the child's efforts, their bodies smashed together challengingly as they continued to walk. "Filthy pig," he hissed.

"Scaly demon from the stars," the human growled back, his lips twisting into something less hostile.

Zim mirrored him, an almost coy grin spreading his lips. "Meat sac," he threw back.

"Space lizard."

"Vile _Earth_ worm."

"Sugar-craving serpent!"

"ZIM is no serpent!"

"Are too!"

The Irken hummed in irritation, pushing his forehead further against his nemesis's before putting space between them. But not much. "Why did you ask Zim about smeets? Why do you speak so much of mating today?"

Their shoulders were practically glued at this point. Dib shrugged, eyes rolling away from his object of obsession. "I dunno, it never came up. You can't blame a paranormal investigator for being curious."

"Do not advise Zim who not to blame!"

"I wasn't directing it at you -"

"YOU LIE!"

"I'M RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!" he exasperated, protecting his left ear from any further damage. "Look, I was just curious because the subject never comes up. That, and, well, even though you're far from acting like an adult, you're still pretty mature, considering that you're not an actual kid."

Zim blinked at his nemesis, head tilting in question as his wig stirred.

"I mean that you take things seriously," Dib further explained from the look he was given. "I can't stand that others don't." He huffed as he ran his hand over the solid cement railing, descending the few steps out of the park. "I mean, it's pretty sad that I have to go to my nemesis to not be laughed at. Well, you laugh at everything, and sometimes at nothing, but what I'm trying to say is that you're the only one who has ever actually listened. I mean, not really listened. But still listened enough to not flat out reject what I say. Am I making sense?"

"Not one bit," Zim grinned his zipper grin as they turned right off of the staircase, passing the sign. Hurt Park.

"Well, whatever." The child rolled his eyes. "I can't expect an alien like _you_ to understand."

"An alien like _me_? As if you assume that I know nothing of what you speak of? Zim is certainly not _that_ lost, foolish child beast."

"You act like it," he shot a rather condescending glare the Irken's way. "I bet if you had eyebrows, they'd be tied together!"

"You expect Zim to understand your mysterious phrases?!"

"It's not a phrase! It _means_ that you're always confused," he scoffed. "I can't remember one day without you being baffled."

The alien puffed his cheeks. "It is not _my_ fault that your planet's customs never cease to elude me!" He waved his arms about. "Like how your race battles with temperatures and seasons, why exactly your calendar is a thing and where it originates from, and especially the underlying life that lives here!"

"Underlying life?" Dib furrowed his brow. "What are you talking about?"

"All of these.. these…!" Zim pointed to a squirrel that they passed. "And these!" His finger snapped towards a streetlamp, birds sitting atop. "And those dog things that you humans insist on putting leashes on to contain them! Why do they not rise up against you self-destructing humans and take back what was theirs? Surely they must be angry that their homes were paved over with streets and buildings!"

"Zim.." The human sighed. "You have no idea how hypocritical you sound right now."

"Zim is no hippo!"

The child shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Forget it."

The Invader scowled before dropping his gaze away. Was there anything wrong with what he said? The child insisted on insulting him when he was trying to be serious.

"Uhm, so, about the baby thing.." Dib started.

The alien's eyes traveled over the cars to his left, watching the bus pull away from dropping some children off. Why did Dib not take that transportation home, anyhow?

"Does that mean that you are technically male AND female? Was Tak both too?"

"No more talk of bee nests! You are sickening me far beyond I have ever felt! But it is probably just that thing you call a face's fault."

"Yeah, right, Zim." He sneered, though the smug twinge dropped as he observed the Irken beside him. Sometimes he found himself dwelling on that fact.

An alien. Interacting with him. Acting sort of human. Different biology. Knowledge of things that the human can only dream of having. He traveled through time and space for however long he was alive, has been through things that no species on this planet could ever grasp, and now he was here. Talking to him. Choosing to walk beside him, shoulder to shoulder, putting himself through this torture of taking on the role of a human child, dealing with his nemesis - when the alien was so free to just take off and never come back.

It was a little sentimental for Dib's taste, but he had to feel honoured on some level to have earned an alien life form's attention like that. Zim had all the technology in the world to annihilate him, to destroy the world.. but just… didn't.

He remembered the beginning of the alien's terror upon the unsuspecting planet. Giant schemes, terrifying plots that struck the child with unrelenting fear. The Irken was fully capable of wiping them all out, yet… almost played with _him_ instead. As if world conquest did not matter anymore as much as having Dib there to halt him.

Regardless, Zim chose to be with him. To live with this constant chase. A never-ending game. It was the most confusing puzzle that Dib has ever come across. Not that he was complaining.

If the Irken did ever one day decide to take them out, or even just.. leave…

Dib smoothly wiped at his eye, faking a yawn. "Hey, space boy."

"Dib-thing."

The human smirked from the response, crossing paths with him to switch to the alien's left side. "Any evil schemes of yours I should know about?" he grinned.

"Zim _always_ has an evil scheme," he leered, batting his lids almost innocently. "Do you even have to ask?"

Dib watched for moments before his grin reappeared, circling behind. "What is it this time, _Zim_? Turning the oceans to Jell-O? Filling our mailboxes with mutated bats? Giving Earth babies the ability to fly?"

"All amazing ideas! But no," his taunt melted into a purr. "And I do not think I will tell you this time, Earth-stink. Zim shall simply watch as you scramble to stop a plan that you have no idea how to stop."

The child scowled slightly before coming close, the human's breath tickling the back of Zim's neck. "We'll just see who's scrambling when _you're_ under a knife, space bug."

The Irken nestled his head head back into his collar, squeaking in suppressed merriment. He quickly glared to hide the weakness, threatening eyes falling on the child who circled him like a shark would a drowning beaver. "I highly doubt it," the Invader spat. "You would be too busy crawling around in the dirt like the filthy worm you are to be stopping me from planet annihilation."

"Oh, yeah?!"

" _Yeah_ ," the Irken mocked the slang, tongue wiggling. "Go on, Earth-filth, go play in the _dirt_ where you belong," a wicked grin appeared as the alien waved him off.

Dib scowled from that, reaching out to snatch at the Irken.

Zim turned to dodge, slipping right through the human's fingers, and then froze there on the block to stare at him.

The paranormal investigator blinked back, eyes shifting in observation. Carefully and slowly, the child tried again, his efforts suddenly snapping forward, and just like that, the alien zipped away.

The chase had begun once again. And Dib would never grow tired of it.

* * *

Zim panted as he made it past the fence, gnomes turning in his direction as he dashed. He used the door as a sudden stop, gloved fingers snagging the doorknob.

A pale hand unfortunately covered them, gripping mercilessly.

Zim eyed it, then the black-coated arm that slammed on his other side. A twisted sneer met the Irken's lips before he turned in the tight space, his nemesis's breaths hitting his.

His left arm was caught across his chest, hand still around the doorknob beneath the other's.

"Gotchya," the human smirked.

"That's what YOU think!" Zim leered maniacally. "GNOMES! Protect your Master!"

Dib gasped from the order, pushing himself off from the men's door, releasing the Irken to escape the security's clutches. He darted past them, weeding his way around the gnome bodies and stopping at the fence. He turned to point menacingly, sneer on his lips. "Your base can't protect you forever, alien! You're mine!" he hissed before running off. "Just wait! Your guard will be down and I'll be hanging like a radioactive spider from your…!"

Zim blinked dully as the human rambled to no one other than himself, vanishing out of the cul-de-sac. He shrugged before stretching, opening the door.

"Welcome home, son."

He marched through them without much acknowledgment, eyes immediately landing on the empty sofa.

Zim narrowed an eye suspiciously before a waft of… _something_ finally hit his covered antennae. "Gir! Are you sitting in our oven again?!" he snapped, stomping towards the kitchen doorway. "How many times have I told you not to attempt to fry your-?!"

The Irken's eyes shot open. Keef, gathering things from the fridge. That vampire, sitting awkwardly at his table. Gir, devouring everything on the plates, including the plates.

"GIR!" he screeched.

The robot picked his disguised head up, a plate with mysterious, orange goop holding his mouth open. He chomped down, breaking the dish to pieces as he waved. "HI!"

"Zim, you're home!" Keef squealed, setting the food down on the table before racing over, clutching him tight. "How was skool?! Did you miss me, buddy?!"

The vampire's mouth twitched uncomfortably as he observed the alien's shaking glare. Oh, no.

"GET OUT!" the Irken cried, ripping the child from his torso to launch him into the ceiling.

The vampire blinked wide as he watched Keef disappear, the surface swallowing him up as the kid squealed in excitement. And then silence.

Mechanical shifts. An explosion, and a most cartoonish whistle of something flying away. The child screamed until he was out of earshot.

The robot bounced up and down in his seat like a toddler who couldn't sit still. "ME! DO ME!" he giggled hysterically.

"NO!" Zim snapped, the scold causing the green dog to droop. "YOU!" he pointed in the vampire's direction. "How DARE you break into Zim's humble abode! And with that HUMAN! YOU SICKEN ZIM! OFF WITH YOUR LEGS!"

Zephyr screamed immediately as the alien came at him, jumping down from his seat to run around the table.

The Irken chased him in laps, hissing his frustrations. "Yes, RUN while you still have legs to run with! I will saw them into nothing but NUBS, DO YOU HEAR ME?!"

Gir burst out in laughter once again, jumping down to run after the two. "I WANNA BE IT, I WANNA BE IT!"

Zim growled, pushing his robot from his leg before changing direction.

The pale creature mirrored him, tripping chairs to create obstacles. "Stop chasing me!" he cried. "I didn't do anything!"

"LIES!" He climbed the chairs as they attempted to block him, growling. "ZIM DEMANDS THAT YOU SURRENDER!"

"NO!"

The alien screeched at him, finally grabbing the table and lifting it.

Zephyr cringed as the large object was thrown with a strength that he did NOT expect, the table tumbling against the microwave and counter, window shattering.

The Irken screamed a war cry as he pounced, spiderlegs whipping out.

The vampire shrieked in alarm, zipping past the robot that rolled around on its back, struggling to get up like a flipped beetle would. He darted through the living room, however, he already saw the mechanical legs crashing down in front of the door.

He stopped short to duck beneath them, but a slam into the floor rendered him still, face smashed against the surface.

Zim handled the body with no mercy, a spiderleg picking him up by the back of the collar to suspend him.

The vampire rubbed at the bridge of his nose, scowling at his captor.

They glared at each other for painfully long moments before the Irken's voice pierced the air between them. "I KNEW letting you live was a mistake!" Zim snapped. "You and your ridiculously tall hair have no place in Zim's fortress! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"

The vampire blinked before his mouth twisted in dislike. "I thought that you and Keef were -"

"NOT ANOTHER WORD, YOU SICK, SQUIRMY PIG!"

Zephyr squinted. "I'm not squirmy -"

" _LIES!_ "

The vampire furrowed his brow, lip puckering. "Look, I'm sorry! I didn't know that you two weren't friends or whatever! He made it seem like you were close!"

"Keef? Close to ZIM?! RIDICULOUS!"

The vampire blinked, wiping the saliva from his cheek, eyeliner smudging. "Zim-"

" _I_ AM ZIM!"

"I KNOW!" Zephyr snapped back. "I thought you two were friendly, and he invited me here! I thought it was okay!"

"Okay?! OKAY?!" Zim dangled the vampire like a fish on a hook. A very sad-looking fish. "And let us hypothetically say that Keef _was_ close with Zim! What, then?! You think it would be OKAY to simply walk into Zim's home?! As if Zim would be OKAY with okaying your okays?! YOU SICKEN ME!"

Zephyr stared blankly as the alien freaked out on him. "Uhm… I guess?" What exactly was he responding to, again?

Said reaction only caused more rage. White hot rage. "BEGONE!" he screeched, the door whipping open.

Zephyr grunted as he tumbled down the walkway, landing by the street, cloak over his head.

"AND STAY OUT!" The Irken shook his fist.

" _AND STAY OUT!_ " the robot imitated at his Master's side, though he broke out into a fit of giggles as the door slammed.

The vampire huffed, tossing the cloak out of his eyes. He glared back at the house as he pushed himself up to dust his oversized shirt off, disbelieving of such treatment.

Then again.. now that he thought about it, he did sort of trespass.. and followed a stranger so easily to do so. Was he really that desperate to get to know the alien?

He sighed, eyes glancing over the staring gnomes before he dragged himself off in a random direction. It's not like he _actually_ had a place to go back to.

Well, time to wrestle those alley cats away from his spot behind the dumpster again.

* * *

"-and I have these cameras up and running to watch over him. I don't exactly have one in every single room of his base, since I haven't been able to explore everything just yet, but, I have just enough to get me by in spying on him efficiently."

"That's kind of creepy, you know."

"Oh, come on! He's an alien bent on taking over the planet! _Someone_ needs to watch him!"

"I guess so," the altered voice carried through the speaker. A video chat. They couldn't exactly see each other, since they were cloaked and all, but still a video chat. "Could I ask something?"

Dib slowly turned his head back to the floating screen, eyes finally ripping away from the videofeed. "Go for it."

"How long has he been here, exactly?"

"Uh.." Dib scratched at his head, eyes searching his desk. "A year and a half, maybe? Almost two? Somewhere around there."

"Huh." The shrouded child blinked back towards the screens.

Dib observed before following his line of sight, swiveling slightly in his seat. "Why?"

"Just wondering how an eleven-year-old kid can stop some all-powerful alien invader. You have to admit it sounds off."

"Well, uhm, yeah, but.. That just makes me cooler, right?"

"Either that, or Zim is a moron."

"That too." Dib placed his chin in a hand, leaning against the desk, eyes aglow in the dark room, screen blaring. "There he is!" he pointed, a grin creeping up on him.

The floating SEN member came closer, observing the camera feed carefully. "Wow, that is the biggest bug I've ever seen!"

Dib had to cover his mouth, cheeks puffing in amusement. "Shh!" he bit back the fit of laughter, on the edge of his seat.

The Irken was in the kitchen on his hands and knees… cleaning. Fiercely cleaning. "Those filthy little worm weasels DARE break into my home and infect it?! _Disgusting!_ "

"Worm weasels?" Drayne mumbled.

Dib snickered at the input, holding back his noise level.

Gir was nowhere to be found. The child briefly glanced at the other cameras before his attention snapped right back like a magnet from the voice.

" _Minimoose! Bring me more disinfectant! Gir must have eaten the rest of this one!" He shook the can and pressed, though it only shot compressed air. He tossed it aside, to which a robotic arm dropped from the ceiling and caught it. The arm slowly retracted then, swallowing it back up into the ceiling._

" _Nyeh!" a squeak came from offscreen._

_Zim sighed, rolling his eyes. "Please," he added._

This floating.. purple thing came into the shot, a can held between its two front nubs.

"Is that a flying.. tiny.. purple moose?" Drayne blinked, pointing.

The child grinned back at the floating screen. "Yes, but I still haven't quite figured out what Zim uses it for. I mean, his robot is his partner, but this moose thing does close to nothing. Uhm.. I think."

"Huh." The shadowed figure loomed behind Dib once again, red eyes watching in curiosity. "Does he always wear those goggle things on his head?"

"Uh, no, just when he cleans. I'm not sure what they do. I haven't got ahold of them yet. But I'm assuming they help him clean more efficiently, I mean, why else wear them?"

" _Stupid Keef. Stupid Zebra! Filthy Earth human hybrid pig smellies rolling their disgusting motherships of bodies all over my home!" he hissed lowly, foreign tongue squirming between his teeth. "Invader ZIM will not stand for this treatment! He shall certainly NOT!" the Irken rose in his kneel, fists clenching up before him._

" _Nyeh!"_

_Zim blinked up to his floating companion. "Missed a spot?! ME?! ZIM?!"_

" _Nyah…"_

The Irken dropped back down to tend to said missed spot, voice capped.

Drayne stared at the camera feed before them, eyes slowly drifting back to the child in his rolly seat, who proceeded to watch. And watch. And watch… with no intention of looking away anytime soon as the alien scrubbed and sprayed his kitchen top to bottom.

The shrouded child blinked before lifting a brow. "Well. How convenient that your alien bug is a germaphobe."

"Mhm," Dib idly acknowledged, gaze not once leaving the screen.

"You could really tick him off, you know. Tracking mud. Spitting on him. Gross things."

"Uh huh."

Drayne observed the child once again, cocking his head to the side. "Anyway, I should probably get going. Looks like you're busy. I have to go check out some weird sightings in the woods. Clowns walking around with weapons, or whatever. It sounds like a joke. Probably is." He shrugged. "I'll catch you later."

It took quite a bit of time before Dib noticed the absence of a witness, finally glancing around his room for the floating screen. "Drayne?" he called out, the glint of light veering to reveal his eyes through the glass lenses. "Drayne, are you still around?"

He searched his darker than usual cavern, briefly eyeing his alarm clock before his eyes fell back upon the screen. He could feel his eyes growing sore, and his limbs groan for a mattress and sheets, but he couldn't rest now! His Irken nemesis had another dastardly evil plan, and he was not sleeping until he found out what it was!

* * *

The Irken watched. Lounging back in his seat within the small, cozy area of his base. Many screens were before him, all blank except for the one on the far left.

His nemesis had fallen asleep on his desk again. Was it really that much more comfortable than his bed?

He had been on the child's bed before. It was squishy, and bouncy, and fun to toss the sheets out of order and snuggle up beneath. It was quite amusing being in that position, where his focus would automatically snap overhead. The Dib human has glowing planets and stars along his ceiling. A very.. comforting thing, while being wrapped in warm covers. Of course, he would never do such a thing while Dib was still home. No, he broke into the child's room while he was out on adventures to catch ghosty papayas on film, spend time with his sister, or simply go out for a walk.. if you count spying on your neighbors and watching their lot from the bushes going for a walk.

Beds, he backtracked in his train of thought. Irkens did not have such things. There was no need for that.. lowly level of comfort. Beds were for sleep, which the Irken machine simply did not require.

But humans did. This was their method of recharging. But if not plugged into a cable, where could they possibly be harboring energy from?

The human body still eluded him. Even after all of this time, he still has not received much information about it. He knew that it was made up of mostly water, meat-resistant, and their teeth were made of bones that could fall out.

Odd things, they were, but that knowledge was not enough for him. He still did not understand why they grew hair, or why they had nails. How they could digest such a vast amount of food without exploding, or why there were such drastically different skin colours. Certain things just made no sense to him.

He observed as his rival breathed peacefully, his chest expanding.. and then shrinking back down. Zim slowly tilted his head to the side, brow furrowing.

He reeled from a sudden alarm lighting up his screens, ocular implants adjusting to the flashes. "Intruder?! At this hour?!" he snapped, standing to allow the tube to suck him up.

The Irken was shot up through the thin elevator-like tube, brought to a small area just beneath the house level. He pulled his wig on, entering his evil, itchy contacts before poking his head up from the trash can.

He looked about the dark kitchen suspiciously, eyes skimming over the still table, the lowly humming refrigerator, the green light gently leaking from its bottom. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary.

A chill passed over him. And not the one born from paranoia either. This was a physical chill drifting about the room. There was a draft coming from an outside source, which can only mean that the door or windows were left open.

Germs swarming..!

He cried out in fear, springing from the can to bolt through the archway. The Irken quickly slammed his body into the door, shutting it with a wham. He slumped back against it, gloved hands wrapping around his arms. Breath leaving him in small, white puffs.

Gir must have left the door open. The computer was probably malfunctioning with the alarm system like it always did. Stupid minions always frightening him.

The alien sighed loudly, drooping. "Computer. Stabilize."

He marched away from the door with the satisfying heat starting to flood the room. "That robot and his outings," he hissed to himself. "He will get into trouble one day, and I will not be around to-!"

"Heya, buddy!"

The alien stopped in the kitchen doorway, pupils shrinking. Shoulders rising up in defense. He whipped around to glare at the familiar intruder, lip puckered. "I thought I got rid of you."

Keef smiled his usual smile, swinging his legs off of the couch. "Oh, don't worry! I'm alright now."

The alien scowled, blinking hard. "You dare break into my home a second time?! I told you I do not want you here! Why must you test Zim's patience?!"

"Aww, did I wake you up? I'm sorry, I just wanted to see if Gir wanted to play."

"It is four in the morning!" Zim snapped. "And Gir is out doing whatever it is that he does! There is meaning for you no longer to be here, so begone!" He stomped to the sofa, grabbing at the human with sheer disgust, dragging him towards the door.

The child frowned slightly. "Aw, okay. That's alright, Zim. I'll see you at skool later!"

"Do not watch Zim!" he hissed, kicking the child out the door into the cold night. He slammed it once again, growling to himself.

He stayed in place before moving towards the right window, peeking through.

Keef was on his doorstep. Standing there. Smiling. His eyes shifted to meet his, grin stretching.

The Irken gasped, immediately drawing the the blinds. He ran to the other window, reaching up to pull at the string contraption. He froze to stare at the child across the glass, blinking wide.

The human was wearing that same, creepy smile. Eyes glistening in delight. Still as a statue. He did not even seem to breathe.

The alien's mouth twisted in disturbance, dropping the shades between them. "Computer, take him out! Fire at will! Shoot him into space!"

The computer drawled a long sigh. "Do I have to?"

"Do as I say!" he hissed back, taking cover behind the door. He covered his head, shutting his eyes tightly. "Blast him!" he ordered.

The ceiling overhead beeped. Silence. No lasers.

"Computer, I said to-!"

"Target lost," it cut him off. "You know, putting a lock on your door and windows should potentially rid you of-"

"Target lost?!" Zim echoed. "Where could he have run off to so quickly?!" The alien zipped back over to the window above his phone, peeking out the blinds. Indeed, the ginger seemed to be nowhere in sight. "Hem.. Well, that's that." He left the blinds to wobble from disturbance, eyeing the idle sofa once again.

He was alone. Which, usually was a good thing, since he needed peace to work properly, but, sometimes the silence unnerved him.

Gir could have been dognapped. The robot got himself into more trouble than he was worth.

The Irken marched around in worry, eyes darting back to the couch every now and then as if the robot would automatically drop out of nowhere. He did that, sometimes.

The communicator extended from his Pak. "Gir! Where are you at this hour?! Respond to your Master immediately!"

The screen flickered to life, the green dog's face filling it, head open. "Hi!"

"Gir!" the Irken sighed of relief. "Why do you insist on going out amongst these people? They are the enemy, understand?! You should not be-!"

A beat dropped over the speaker, lights flashing. A roar of a crowd.

"Gir!" he snapped.

"THEY GONNA PLAY, MASTAH! DON'T WORRY, I'LL BRING HOME THE BACON, EHEHEHE, BYE!"

Zim stared at the dead screen. Great. Just what he needed. His robot enjoying his time on the planet that they intend to conquer. This was ridiculous.

He was still for moments before the alien retreated back into the kitchen, device retracting. "Whatever," he grumbled, climbing back into the trash can.

* * *

Blood. So much blood. And bacon. Blood bacon.

Gaz spammed the buttons on her portable console, eyes glued to the tiny screen. She never really did eat lunch. Not from the cafeteria, anyway. She didn't trust it. Not after Zim unintentionally revealed one of the lunch ladies being a giant worm beast from another planet infesting all of the food.

No wonder the meals were so squirmy.

A brown bag sat on the table beside her, untouched. She would mostly save her lunch for after skool, when there was no one to watch her eat. It was unnerving to have so many judging eyes on her. The daughter of a famous scientist, sister of the psychotic, alien-obsessed kid. The pressure put on her was tremendous.

But even if her brother was the cause of most of her distress, she could not help but feel a lack of company when he went to go play.

She glanced up once the level was finished. The table she sat at was completely empty. Not a soul around her.

Gaz eyed her brother a few tables down. His back was to her. Sitting across from the Irken. Eating. Talking. Zim looked quite amused.

She lowered her gaze back down, fingers hovering over the controls.

Continue?

The child hesitated, staring down at it. Actually debating.

She finally stood, stepping over the bench as she grabbed her bag and lunch, hauling her luggage around the table.

Gasps could be heard all across the room. Gaz? Moving from her usual spot?

Another collective gasp from where she settled.

"Gaz?" Dib narrowed an eye, mid-bite. "What are you doing?"

The Irken blinked as the child joined her brother, the siblings across the table from him.

"I'm sitting here. Is there a problem with that?" She opened her eyes to glare.

Dib immediately flinched. "Uh, no? I just didn't expect you to, uhm, sit here."

"You think I want to sit alone?" She finally opened her brown bag to grab the juice box.

Zim tilted his head in confusion, wig shifting.

"Well, you always seem like it." Dib watched her open the straw. "Anyway," he rolled his eyes away. "So, uhm, what was I talking about?"

The Irken continued to stare at the child with purple hair, unblinking.

"Zim," the human leaned to get in his field of vision, snapping his fingers.

Zim glared slightly at his rival from the distraction. "Zim does not care if your fingers can make that sound or not!" he hissed immediately.

"I wasn't trying to-"

"SILENCE!" the alien roared, reaching over to smack the half eaten sandwich Dib held up into his face.

Gaz paused her game, eyeing her brother to watch his temper lift a notch. It ran in the family.

"Zim demands to know why you have come to his table! This is no place for Dib-siblings!"

"Don't you listen?" her gaze landed on him. "Because I wanted to."

"Oh, okay," the alien shrugged, leaning his chin in his palm.

"What?! Come on, you kicked me away from your table dozens of times before you let me sit here!" Dib whined, trying to put the remainder of his sandwich back together.

"Gus is different," he scoffed. "She does not chew off my lekku like _your_ irritating vocal cords do."

Despite the alien still not getting her name correctly after all of this time, she still snickered.

"Well, whatever," Dib rolled his eyes, finally regathering his lunch to take another bite. "Oh, yeah. Like I was saying, it would have gotten more publicity if you maybe _took_ the tires instead of just laying them there right beside the cars." He deadpanned. "That was just stupid."

"Your mouth is stupid!" Zim snapped. "It was a flawless plan!"

"A plan to do what?! Bother people?! I don't get you!" Dib slammed his fist on the table. "Do something worth my time! Make a giant, frightening scheme again! Something big and life-threatening to the entire human race, you know? Like you used to! Not something ridiculous like switching around mail! Something amazing and complicated, but, uhm, not too complicated, so I can still stop you and all."

The Invader blinked across the table. "Enough of your pitiful cries for candies, Dib-worm! Trying to blow up your star was not enough for you?! _I_ think it was quite scary," he pointed out. "And hot."

"Well, yeah, but, I mean to do something _here_ , so I can have witnesses to your evil and all."

Zim scowled at his nemesis before eyeing Gaz. "Can you believe the demands of this filthy brother of yours?!"

"It's pathetic," she agreed, not looking up.

"SEE?" he pointed to his rival again. "Even Gus thinks so!"

"Her name is _Gaz_ , you moron," Dib drawled. "And it's not pathetic! Look, I just want something to generally give me a boost in confidence every now and then from stopping an _actually_ evil scheme of yours. Thwarting you refusing to feed ducks in a pond isn't good enough anymore!"

"How DARE you demand such things from Zim?!" he stood, thrusting himself forward over the table.

His nemesis mirrored him, glaring. "I'll demand all I want!"

"Then ZIM will demand all _he_ wants! Starting with your _FILTHY_ sleeping habits! No more sleeping! Just recharge awake so you do not have to be distracted from bothering Zim!" He pressed his head forward.

"That doesn't even make any sense!" Dib hissed, crushing their foreheads together. "Humans HAVE to sleep, you idiot! I'm sorry if IRKENS are so technically advanced that they've lost the ability to SLEEP."

Gaz eyed them through their bickering, then at the rest of the lunchroom to catch them all staring. She inconspicuously slid herself down the bench to be outside of the range of attention.

"Irkens never HAD the ability to sleep!"

"That just proves my point!"

"What point?!"

"That-! Uhm-! I don't know! But it was more intelligent than yours!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Your breath sickens me!"

"At least _I_ don't smell like candy and glue!"

"It's _PASTE!_ "

"ZIM! DIB!" The cafeteria went dead silent. A cicada-like hiss could be heard from the doorway. "Classroom! NOW!" Miss Bitters ordered.

Zim glanced her way before blinking back to his nemesis.

The child only glared, finally breaking their contact to gather his things.

Gaz watched as they walked and marched to exit the cafeteria. Her eyes dropped back down to her Game Slave with an unbearable heat pelting her from every side. She could feel the stares now focused on her.

Alone once again.

* * *

The teacher had left the room, he observed.

The two were left alone, side by side at the chalkboard. Dib was writing something that he could not make out, his mouth moving, as the Irken apparently veered away from the task. He was starting to scribble and draw, coming closer and closer to his nemesis to invade his side with chalk lines and doodles.

Zephyr stared at them through the window on his tiptoes, fingers hooked against the icy cement of the school building. They seemed to be having.. fun, drawing all over each others' progress, battling with the chalk.

He blinked as they started clapping each other with the erasers, puffs of chalk dust flying. White coating them. They laughed and coughed, wrestling to better one another.

Until the door opened.

The vampire quickly ducked out of sight, keeping his ears out as he knelt beneath the window sill. Frosted grass tickled at his knees. He looked down at it, eyes searching for any potential tiny invaders that could survive the dropped temperatures of February.

He gave it a good while before lifting himself back up, peeking back through the window pane. Their creepy teacher was at her desk, occupied by something behind it that he could not quite see. He glanced over to the rivals who remained before the chalkboard. Dib now had a towelette, his glasses off as he rubbed at his face. The alien was on the floor, scrubbing at the white-coated surface with a wooden brush. Yet, the white puffs kept raining down on his work from his face. He clenched his teeth, scrubbing over the mess again that only seemed to keep coming.

Zephyr studied as the paranormal investigator approached the Irken, stepping on the brush and gloved hand to halt the frantic motion. Zim glared up at him before he shut his eyes from the contact.

The vampire stared at the two enemies as Dib wiped away white to reveal exotic green skin once again, the Irken kneeling there, allowing it. Something about it looked almost.. sweet, and Zephyr was that much more intrigued.

The Irken's sudden glance his way sent him reeling, the creature of night pushing himself off of the skool wall in a panic. He grunted as he landed on the cold Earth, cloak fluttering after him.

The vampire laid there in almost shock, fearing that he would be further caught for trespassing on the skool grounds if he stood. Instead of pulling himself up, he flipped himself over, keeping as close to the ground as possible to scamper away. He probably looked like a cockroach. A really big cockroach, with a spear on its head. Maybe he looked more like an elephant beetle.

He wondered if those things still existed. He certainly hasn't seen them around in a while. Did it matter? Maybe.

The vampire finally reached the sidewalk, pushing himself up. He brushed the frost from his cloak, making his way in the opposite direction of the skool.

Those two just didn't add up. He didn't even know what to think of them anymore. Were they enemies? Friends? Together? Lovers had spats, didn't they? But they were just children. Or, at least, Dib was, to his knowledge. Things just don't.. make sense.

Was it a mistake trying to help? To butt into this.. _thing_ they had together? After all, they both seemed to be completely fine, for however long they knew each other.

But what Dib spoke of.. Zim, and his alien race, planning to take the Earth down, and them with it. Should he be hanging around? Was Dib handling it just fine? Was Zim just… trying to live there, and be at peace? Should he even care?

Zephyr pinched at his brow, more confused than he'd like to be. Aliens, invasions, world domination. That only took place in stories and preaches of conspiracy theorists. But here he was, finding an actual alien with the potential to do all of it and more. So what in the world was stopping him?

He drooped as small flakes of snow brushed him. He didn't need anymore complications, by any means, but the sheer adrenaline of.. knowing an alien, being able to speak and interact with one, that.. was so…

Amazing. It beats any storybook. But the idea of it was so frightening, it made his gut knot in anxiety. He could die. He could suffocate in space. His body could be dismantled and kept as a specimen. Other weird alien things he did not want to think about.

Absolutely no one was pushing him to fit into the equation here. In fact, the alien seemed to only push him away. Maybe that was a good thing. There was no pressure. He could simply walk away and never think about the alien and his rival ever again.

Wishful thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not all humans have the ability to produce offspring. Only some males and females? Telling them apart still eludes me.
> 
> Invader ZIM signing off.


	4. Love Pig Day - Revolting!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for not being sorry.

****

**dEfEcTiVe?**

* * *

Quiet. Space. A gently drifting ship.. that was not so quiet onboard.

"Okay," Red sighed. "We'll go over this one more time." He glanced over the line of tech workers, the room eerie and tense. "Which one of you ate Pur's special edition Space Matter doughnut?"

"Yeah! Huh?! HUH?" Purple cried, two-fingered hands on his armoured hips. "Who did it?! Was it you?!" he pointed.

The shortest of the line blinked wide. "N-No, my Tallest!"

"That's what they all say!" Purple snapped. "Guilty! To the airlock with him!"

The small Irken screamed as the guards came and took him away.

Red cringed as the body was launched, a nearby star exploding and rocking the ship. "Okay, return to your positions! Nothing to see here!"

"HEY! Wait! I still haven't figured out who stole my doughnut!" Purple hissed. "And I'm not giving up until I find them!"

"I'm not letting you kill off all of our pilots over a stupid doughnut!"

"Stupid?! _Stupid_?!" Purple freaked out on his partner, shaking him by the shoulders. "That doughnut was my LIFE!"

"You _just_ ordered it!" Red snapped back. "Besides, there are plenty more in our stash! Get over it!"

"No!" Pur screeched.

_Beep beep beep beep!_

One of the pilots abandoned the line to respond to the sound. He scanned over, gasping. "Incoming transmission from Earth!" he cried.

"Seize him, he stole my doughnut!" Purple ordered.

Red shoved him aside, glaring. "Block the signal! Hurry!"

The pilots quickly retreated to the controls, looking quite relieved from the mercy.

"Well?!"

"Blocked, sir!"

Purple puckered his lip before his antennae flattened. "Now back to the actually _important_ matter!" He crossed his arms, hovering around to glare each and every pilot down. "Who took it, huh?! Which one of you doughnut-napper shortlings stole my doughnut?!"

_Beep beep beep!_

"He's attempting to hack, sir!"

Red clawed at his eyelids. "Pur, stop it! We'll get you another! Stop killing off our workers!" he whined.

" _Sirs!_ "

"But I know they took it!" Purple fought, pointing at the shorter Irkens all around. "They're always eyeing my snacks! It's not _my_ fault that they starve!"

"Well, then maybe you shouldn't be leaving your doughnuts around for people to snag them!" Red growled. "If you had kept it locked up in storage instead of letting it lay around under your seat-!"

Purple gasped. "I needed it within arm's reach in case I got hungry!"

"You're _always_ hungry!" His partner hissed back.

"Oh yeah?! Well! Well-! How did you know it was hiding under my _seat_ , huh?! HUH?!"

"What is that supposed to mean?!" Red glowered. "I saw you shove it under there the moment it arrived!"

"You've been watching where I keep my snacks?!" Purple pointed in accusation. "I bet.." He seemed to hesitate before scowling. "I bet it was YOU who stole my special doughnut!"

"Don't be ridiculous!"

"Sirs!" a pilot cried in alarm.

"Don't act like you don't know! You've _always_ been jealous of my snacks!" Pur screamed in his partner's face.

"Those snacks belong to the both of us!" Red argued back. "You just eat more of them than I do!"

The Tallest in purple gasped hard. "Are you calling me a glutton?!"

"Are you saying that you're not?!" Red gritted his teeth. "Snacks this, snacks that! Yours, yours, _yours_! Everything is _always_ yours!"

"You're just jealous of my good looks!" Purple scoffed.

"We look almost identical!" The leader of the two burst. "Stop making everything about you!"

"SIRS! HE'S-!"

"You're jealous that purple looks better on me and not YOU!"

"I don't give a Blorch's shmoopsquizz what colour you-!"

An eerie hum of machinery. Dark light from their screen overhead.

The Tallest turned their heads immediately from the change in atmosphere. Staring.

Zim watched them carefully, still as death. Not a twitch, nor a blink.

Red furrowed his brow before narrowing an eye. "Was the call dropped?" he asked aloud.

"AHAHAHA!"

The Tallest were blown back in their chairs from the roar.

The Irken on the screen now moved about, laughing hysterically. Tears building under his lids.

Purple drooped in his seat, glancing towards his partner with a wilt of his lekku. "I'm scared," he whispered.

Red made a face at him before eyeing the Irken on their screen again. "Uhm, Zim! You seem in a… uh.. pleasant mood today," he attempted.

The Invader wiped at the tears with a horrifying grin. "Oh, yes! You would not _believe_ the trouble I had in trying to contact you! You must be light years away."

They were certainly not. Just outside the galaxy, actually. "Oh, uh, certainly! Uhm, you didn't salute us, soldier," Red hinted, grinning awkwardly.

"Oh. That." The Irken blinked before shrugging. "Err, well, anyhow.."

Purple stared up at the Irken before them, sharing a glance with his partner.

"Today is the day of filthy Earth Love once again," the Invader dropped his head momentarily. "I would remain at the base to avoid the meat apocalypse, but my vile Earth instructor in skool threatened the dismemberment of my legs if I did not attend." His eyes lifted to his leaders, searching for retort. "So, I greatly dread leaving. Skool is in but an hour and I have yet to discover a way to protect myself from this planet's flesh-eating meat parasites."

"Uh huh," Red bit his lip to contain the immediate smile. Zim? Going to call them later today with another show of his skin pelted and obscured with meat? Classic source of entertainment. He almost forgave the Irken for not greeting them properly.

"Are you going to show us all of your horrible pain?!" Purple opened his mouth.

Red sent him a sneer, however, the look on the Invader's face sent him almost reeling.

Irritated. The Irken drummed his fingers on the controls, head in a hand. "My Tallest-" he cut himself off, just to stare.

Red blinked back, eyeing the Irken's surroundings for movement to reassure himself that the call was still active. The small Invader kept freezing up. Not the call. Him, himself. He's noticed this.. change in Zim's behaviour. He wondered if his Pak was finally malfunctioning to the point where it would kill him.

That would be nice.

"Zim," he pressed.

The Irken puffed his cheeks, looking away from the screen. "Err, I will call later," he cut the transmission before either Tallest could open their mouths.

Purple burst out into his fit of laughter immediately.

Red only stared at the blank screen, blinking. He eyed his partner as he was elbowed.

"That was funny, wasn't it? Huh?! Meat?" His bright smile remained for a whole of four seconds before it slowly faded. "Old joke?" he reminded.

"Yeah," Red frowned, glancing away from his partner with a bite of his lip. "Funny."

* * *

Zim watched the dark screen, crimson gaze vaguely shifting. He stood there in thought for moments more before breaking from the position.

It was not necessarily Miss Bitters's threats that urged him to show that day. It was more along the lines of… he had a little gift planned for his nemesis, and skipping skool was not an option.

"Elevator. House level," he ordered as he entered the small space, eyes tracing patterns in the metallic doors. All was quiet besides the gentle hum of the ascending elevator around him. He could feel the chill of the early morning air outside already. A dark, chilly morning with the star having yet to rise.

The Irken nestled his antennae against his skull, pulling the wig over them. He adjusted the back, smoothing out the sides above his temples. "Computer. Temperature status."

"Eighty two degrees," it responded, a few clicks following.

The Invader scowled immediately at the answer, looking about. Instead of fighting, he sighed. "Computer, remind me again why I still ask you for information?"

"Beats me," it broke out into a coughing fit.

Zim blinked from the horrible sounds of machinery, finally popping in a lavender lens. "You are going to blow your circuitry straight through the floor if you keep that up!" he snapped, pulling down his other eyelid. "Control your imaginary airway!"

The computer retorted with a huff, a few more chokes coming from above before the sounds were muted.

The Irken straightened up as the top of the elevator opened, the light from the opening practically glowing in the dark living room. He stepped out, allowing the space to shut, the lone end table settling back into place. "Gir!" he called as mechanical arms came down to offer his outerwear.

Slipping on the sleeve to the puffy, pink coat, the Irken's eyes landed on his SIR Unit on the sofa.

The robot was cuddled up like a cat on the cushions, gently snoring. Minimoose was snuggled up against him, their pig-patterned blanket slightly shifted from their bodies.

Zim blinked from the display, marching over to secure the blanket around the both of them, closing it around his smaller minion's front to bundle them up. He turned for his legs to carry him through the kitchen doorway, fingers reaching back to snag his lighter pink scarf. Zipping up before wrapping the scarf around his neck.

Slipping on the mitts from atop the microwave, he pulled the oven open to remove the steak from inside.

The aroma disgusted him greatly from the heart-shaped meat sac, but, he would not have to deal with it for very long. He shut the oven once again with a spiderleg, hands shaking as tongs were used to lift the meat slab. The grease dripping from it was absolutely disgusting.

He held back a gag, though his face was probably twisted beyond all reason from the odor. His spiderlegs carefully wrapped the meat with a ribbon, sticking a bow in the top right corner. He transported the poisonous substance into a ziplock bag immediately, sealing it tight. He wouldn't dare handle it to skool without proper protection.

Fitting the slab into a heart box, he settled the cap back over, more ribbon worked around it to keep it safe and secure. Why Earthanoids enjoyed these things were beyond him. He scoffed as he removed the oven mitts, tossing them aside on the table.

His mechanical legs worked on either side of him to fix up the kitchen as he stuck a note to the front of the heart box, marker-wielding fingers carefully writing.

He scribbled his signature face beside his name, grinning as wide as the expression he doodled on the note. That was probably the most fun he would have out of this. The insults on the front. His robots had put him up to this. There was no way he would have thought of it on his own accord. Not without hiding his face-eating robot spider inside. It will be so amusing to watch the human run and scream, though. Perhaps it would tear out his precious hair.

But then he would complain and not look like Dib at all. After all, his hair was what made the Dib. He didn't even need a body, for all the Irken cared.

Okay, maybe he preferred the child to have a body. How else would the child be able to run after him? He could be a bouncing head.

"Hmn.." The alien rubbed at his chin in amusement before suddenly straightening up.

The sky outside the kitchen window, mostly obscured by wires and the side of a building, was turning a deep blue. The star was getting ready to show its evil, burny face.

The alien pulled on his purple mittens, spiderlegs finally retreating back inside his Pak. He marched into the living room, passing the sofa of his peacefully sleeping minions. Frost was built up on the windowsills, the untouched blanket of snow coating what he could see of his lawn and fence. He took one more glance back at his robots before opening the door, pulling it shut behind him.

* * *

He marched his way through the frozen water, the gentle crunch of snow beneath each step of his boots.

It was quiet. The occasional car passed, lights ridiculously bright to his sensitive implants. The Irken blinked away the spots, scowling back at the primitive vehicle, box tightly held to his chest.

He finally turned left to climb the stairs into the park, stepping along. He was doomed today, he knew. There would be meat all around the skool, the children throwing it around uncaringly - his skin would be skimmed one way or another by the foul substance. Skool contained no mercy for him. Everyday was a form of pain unlike any other pain. Judgement. Ridicule. _Graded assignments._

More crunches. Behind him. Another child? But who in their right mind would not be taking the bus today? Err - besides him, of course.

He turned his head back, blinking from the empty space. He narrowed his eyes, glancing around the trees that lined the walkway. His gaze fell to the footprints he left behind, searching for irregular pattern.

And there most certainly was. He sneered from the extra set of prints that veered off behind a particular tree. The Irken turned his body to as quietly as possible approach that bare tree, grin growing.

Perhaps he could smack the human before running off to escape revenge. That was perhaps the most exciting part of a chase, after all. The adrenaline and playful fear of punishment. It brought an all too excited leer to his lips as he approached the trunk, box held up to swing.

He suddenly froze, eyes blinking wide. Red hair poking out. A black curl of fabric gently thumping in the snow.

A dark gaze peeked from around the tree to meet him.

They collectively screamed and reeled, the Irken hugging the box tight. The vampire's face twisted from the scare, still as he embraced a thinner tree.

" _You_ again?!" Zim scoffed, glowering to cover up the commotion. "Why are you following Zim to skool?! You decided that you DO have a death wish upon your legs?!" he snapped.

Zephyr blinked, slowly removing himself from the bark, some crumbling off. He brushed the pieces away, eyes travelling over the Irken in curiosity. He was indeed holding a heart box. Was it a gift from someone? _For_ someone?

The alien's pink attire was almost too much for his eyes. Green skin radiating against white snow. The cat ears were questionable. Purple mittens and boots covered his limbs today. "Uhm, I was just, you know." Zephyr twiddled with his cloak. "I still want my legs," he added as an afterthought.

"Oh. Well.." the alien cleared his throat, turning on his heel to step.

The vampire bit at his lip, watching before he slowly trailed after in the footprints. He glanced down to them, observing the lightweight prints. Looking closer, he saw a strange print within each step left behind. A triangle, with a circle below it? It was quite an odd print for the bottom of a shoe.

He looked up to find the Irken had put quite some distance between them. He followed, steps picking up the pace.

Zim clenched his teeth, bowing his head as he heard the quicker crunching of snow. He stopped dead in his tracks, evaluating… then, whipped back around to face his newest stalker. "What do you think you are doing?!" he narrowed his cautious gaze. "Don't you have somewhere _else_ to be?"

The vampire awkwardly froze with him, looking around. "Not really."

The Irken glared from the response, hostile gaze eyeing the vampire over. "Do not burden Zim with your boredom!" he hissed. "Go do whatever it is that you vampire-critters do and leave Zim to himself!"

"Wait!" the child reached after him as the alien turned again.

Zim's face turned sour as he shot a nasty sneer in the vampire's direction again. "No, no, I insist, go do something productive with your sad, unfortunate life like star-staring and allow Zim to walk in peace!"

Zephyr's shoulders rose as he caught up closer and closer, swallowing hard. He grabbed at the pink, puffy sleeve of the alien's coat, turning him back. "It's Valentine's Day, I just wanted to-"

The Irken spun around, eyes dangerous as a large, laser-like weapon hovered above them, poised. "Not another move, you _filthy_ -!" He blinked, staring down at the objects clasped in the creature's fist.

The vampire kept himself small and bunched up behind his cloak, nervously twitching as he was aimed at. "Please don't kill me."

Zim tilted his head, weapon retracted in a flash. "What are _those_ for?" he snorted.

"Uhm.. a.. peace offering?" Zephyr cringed from the look of judgement.

The Irken's eye widened as he stared down at the gift. "You are giving Zim dead Earth weeds?" he glanced back up.

"They were alive when I picked them," he quickly defended. "And they're not weeds. They're flowers."

Zim made a face once again. "Revolting," he hissed quietly, taking a few steps away from the offer. "Zim does not want your dead, shedding _Earth_ flowers infested with the microscopic carcasses and droppings of insects!"

Zephyr blinked from the reaction, eyes shifting away slightly before they returned. "Uhm.."

Silence between them. A most tense staring contest. And then..

The Irken narrowed an eye as the greyed flowers were dropped to the snow, the vampire running off into the trees..

Only to get tangled in the branches.

Zim sneered as the creature struggled with his cloak, shrugging and turning to resume his journey to skool. Stupid child, offering him something so disgusting. How _dare_ he hold up the amazing ZIM!

Zephyr, after many attempts to free the fabric, finally ripped himself away from the tree's clutches. Well, so much for a smooth getaway. That was probably the most embarrassing thing he has ever experienced.

He watched as the Irken went on without a second glance. Peace offering failed. Miserably.

* * *

The Irken marched down the hall, glancing around suspiciously as he stopped in front of a certain locker.

Listening carefully for the small clicks, the Irken pressed the side of his head to the metal slots, mitten-covered fingers working.

After the final click of machinery, the alien grinned in satisfaction. He shoved the textbooks aside, ignoring the many pictures of himself and the ghost stickers on the inside door. He fit the heart box right in front, ready to swing the locker shut.

"What is that?"

Zim blinked from the voice, head turning back to the body that it was attached to. He looked up from the name plastered on the shirt before him. He immediately cringed back against the open locker, a few of the textbooks pouring down, along with the heart.

"Oh," the beefy child blinked down at the present, lifting a brow. He continuously curled his arm with the weight. "What's inside?"

"None of _your_ business, Smack-monkey," the Irken scoffed. "Go to class, or, err, wherever it is that you go!" He grabbed at the box first, grunting as another hand gripped it. He glared up at the child, teeth clenched. "Get your filthy hands off of the meat!" he barked.

Torque blinked before he shoved the Irken with a simple whip of his body. He swiped the box, sneering. "There's meat in here, huh?" he scoffed.

The Irken shook his head, rubbing the back of it from the collision. He glowered as the child ripped open the box and took a chunk out of the slab. "HOW DARE YOU EAT ZIM'S- NGH!" He cringed as a hand clutched him by the face, picking him up.

He hissed as he was shoved into the tight space, textbooks and his puffy coat cramping the locker greatly. Door slamming.

At least some of the stickers glowed. That was pretty neat. Still, the Irken glared out the small slots to the howling child. He flinched from the paper covering the light source for the most part, growling to himself as he listened to the human chew, laugh, and cough all the way down the hall. Textbooks kicked around.

"Hey, this is pretty good," the Irken faintly heard. Zim rolled his eyes, chin falling in his palm. Oh, well. He shouldn't have expected anything less. His plans were always thwarted, no matter _what_ intentions he had. At least the hideous creature would have a stomach full of robot spider.

But this is certainly not what he had expected to happen. Shoved into the Dib's locker, with no way to get a decent angle in trying to kick open the door. He could not even turn to use his Pak beneath this heavy layer of coat! Heavy.. and hot..

Zim hissed as he squirmed in the small space, banging his fist once on the metal. But to no avail. His iron fist could not save him this time.

* * *

"Good luck with class."

"Yeah, whatever," Gaz huffed, walking on without her brother. "I _guess_ good luck, too."

"Thanks," he turned down the next hall, letting out a shudder to get the chill of the snow out of his system. He was not exactly affected much by winter as he was summer, but just the change in temperature from outside compared to indoors sent shivers down his spine. He rubbed his hands to warm them up, stepping through the familiar hall.

Huh. There were textbooks scattered across the floor. Poor kid probably dropped them out of their worn bag. He shrugged, stepping over a few. Dib approached his locker, furrowing his brow as he stepped up to it. A paper?

He ripped it down, blinking. This was Zim's handwriting. 'To The Dib-Stink..' A series of odd insults. Pigs, axes, something about the size of his head that he tried not to sneer at. Then.. 'With hate and misfortune, ZIM!'

Oh, great. What kind of disaster was waiting for him in his locker?! What did that horrible lizard leave for him this time? Some brain probe, a flesh-devouring super ant? A cat?!

He twisted in the proper code, lifting the small tab.

The child shrieked in surprise from the attack of a body smacking him down into the tile.

"What-! Zim?!" Dib snapped. "What were you doing in my locker?! What kind of sick joke is this?!" He pushed the bundled Irken up from his chest, furrowing his brow from the off-white goo stringing from the Irken's skin to his shirt. "Zim?" he blinked hard.

The alien groaned, skin flushed purple. "'s hot," he slurred out, head dropping back down with an uncanny _squish_.

Dib frowned, sitting up, pushing the Irken with him, tongue between his teeth from the mess of paste the Irken has been sweating off. "That's because you're dressed for the Ice Age," he rolled his eyes, removing the alien's scarf and unzipping the puffy coat. He slipped it from the Irken's arms, pushing it aside and popping off the mittens that covered the black gloves. "Geez, Zim, you feel like a furnace."

The alien grunted, unamused as he sat against the cold lockers, breathing hard. His eyes barely opened, watching the child sift through his shoulderbag. A tiny alien head keychain rattled from a zipper. He observed it before he felt the human kneel over him. Something cold pressing into his skin. He hummed in appreciation, tongue lolling.

Dib blinked down at the alien, brow furrowing once again. "What exactly were you doing in my locker, again?" he narrowed an eye. "Were you trying to plant something? Maybe a radioactive baby?! A radioactive _squid_ baby?"

Zim sneered up at the child as he hovered, cornered in his body heat. He swiped the object Dib had been treating him with, studying it carefully. A brick. That was cold. Small water droplets were on its surface, yet not enough to break through the remainder of his paste barrier.

He gently pressed it back against his forehead, then temple to observe Dib better. "Zim was doing nothing out of the ordinary," he blinked.

Dib's lips twisted. "I'm not that stupid, you know." He stood to examine the contents of his locker, the child sifting through. "Hey! Where are the rest of my-?!" he cut himself off with a gasp, eyeing the books across the hall. " _Zim!_ " he snapped.

"That's my name," the Irken blinked dully, drooping against the locker as he cooled his visible skin with the brick of ice.

His nemesis huffed, proceeding to move around the hall to recollect his belongings. "You're such a jerk," he spat, dusting off the textbook. "What were you doing in my locker?! Trying to suffocate yourself and pin the blame on me?! Huh?!"

"Zim did not _intend_ on suffocation in your disgusting Dib locker of _Dibness_." He stuck his thin tongue out, watching the child tend to his useless belongings. "I was merely, err.." His eyes searched the hall around them. "Ehm, at.. at-tempting to scare you! Yes!"

Dib shot him a look with not one ounce of belief left to his name. "Uh huh." He rolled his eyes, grabbing his last scattered textbook before reapproaching his sticky locker. He shoved the books around, nose scrunching from the mess as he pulled out the poor, soggy mess of his biology book.

The alien watched from below, blinking up at his agitated nemesis. Though his paste barrier was worn away, and there was a dangerous amount of frozen water outside, he could not help but smirk in victory from the human's displeasure. "Zim is glad that that is not _his_ locker," he pressed.

"You don't even _use_ your locker," the human scoffed back, throwing the book into his shoulder bag with much disgust. "You're cleaning this, you know." He shut the locker, turning back to his rival who uncharacteristically remained on the floor. Too exhausted to care for the dust and dirt, it seemed.

"Are you coming or what?" Dib idly nudged the Irken with his boot.

Zim huffed, slapping at the object of contact. "Zim is going nowhere without cleaning up!" He glared away, crossing his free arm.

"Well, you're not going to get any cleaner by sitting there and brooding." Dib leaned to grab up the Irken's outerwear, folding the articles of clothing over his arm. "Come on, the bathroom has paper towels."

"I refuse to go in that filthy place with hardly any protection!"

The child stared down at him before he scowled, snatching the cat earmuffs from the alien's head, stirring the wig.

Zim blinked as the human dashed away with his clothing, staring for quite a while. The alien finally stood as his rival disappeared around the hall. "HEY!" he snapped, pushing himself up with the help of an unfortunate locker, white strings snapping and drooping on the spot, the alien dashing from sight.

* * *

The Irken shut an eye as the towel passed over his right temple, wiping at the sticky residue.

Dib carefully avoided the Irken's lids, tracing the outer green ridge. His eyes shifted in between his work and the alien's gaze, fingers pinching the towel.

The Irken sat there on the sink edge, cushioned by the pink coat beneath him. His attention seemed to be in several directions, his exposed antennae twitching and shifting. He did not necessarily have to worry about someone catching him out of his disguise since the human had locked the door, but his feelers were still attentive to the noise level outside.

Silence. Some echoes of footsteps. They would have to sneak around the hall monitor to get to their next class. Zim blinked slowly, shut eye reopening. It was almost.. peaceful between them, for once.

The child's gaze travelled, eyes falling upon the twitchy stalks atop his rival's head. He glanced back down to his work, a small, amused smile finding its way to his face.

This was the same sink he used when he was desperately trying to wash that odd scent off of him, unknowing to the horrors Zim stuck him with. He tended to favour a certain sink in every public place, he figured, and usually the same stall. Unless it was taken, of course. He had no idea why he did that.

He wanted to say something. How weird Zim looked with just his lenses in, or perhaps to ask further about how Zim ended up in his locker, but he knew that any word that came out of his mouth the alien would take as an insult.

So when the Irken spoke first instead, the child practically jumped from shock.

"Your face is even more ugly close up."

"Thanks," the human scoffed. He knew an attempt at pleasant conversation when he heard it. He worked diligently in removing the paste, letting out a small breath. His waist was thankfully pressed into the puffy coat instead of the hard, cold sink. The Irken's legs were idly swinging and twitching on either side of him. "You look less like a tiny bug and more like.. a big bug." His smirk returned, wide and proud.

Zim blinked before he sneered. "Well, you look like the mutated hatchling of a Moopsquorg."

The young investigator stared at him temporarily before returning to his work. "You know, the insults don't work if I don't understand them."

"Nonsense!" Zim snapped, crossing his arms. He puffed his cheeks, stewing as his disguised eyes fell away. "You are taking too long! Work faster!"

"Relax! We're already late! Can't get much worse at this point." He leaned over Zim's leg to grab at another paper towel from the dispenser, snatching it and continuing to wipe up the mess.

"Anything can get worse. Much, much worse. There could be an outbreak of zombies just beyond that door."

"You mean the teachers?"

The rivals shared an amused grin at the horrible joke. Immediately, Zim cleared his throat and looked away. Dib followed suit, glancing down awkwardly. His hand slowly moved again, swiping up the rest of the mess on the Irken's face.

The Irken shut his eyes as the human became more rough in finishing, glaring when he could.

"Okay, uhm, what about these?"

Zim jerked slightly from the poke to his antennae, scowling and slapping the hand away immediately. "Zim will handle those! No touchy!"

Dib rubbed at his abused hand, frowning slightly. "Fine! Whatever!" he glowered back, moving to the next sink over to turn the knob.

The Irken minded the stream of water to his left, jumping down to grab at the paper towel presented to him by the machine. He ripped it out, revisiting the coat-covered sink to lean, left hand holding one antenna steady.

Dib furiously squished at the soap between his palms, scowling to himself. He bit his inner cheek as his eyes lifted to the mirror, then to the alien at the other.

He stood there, movements slowing down. Watching as his nemesis interacted with his.. alien parts. Something he hardly witnessed.

Zim brushed over the black stalks gently from base to tip, eyeing himself in the reflection. Glancing about the glass. He observed himself, the state of his antennae, his background.

The Irken's gaze lingered on his name. Carved into one of the stalls. Dib's handwriting. That message was from quite some time ago. He never bothered to cover it up, either. No one believed the child anyway. Why waste his energy?

Zim blinked at it for moments longer before his attention returned to the matter at hand, running the towel back up the stalk. A slight shudder passed through him.

Dib watched, water still running, his hands idly hanging over the sink edge. He never did get to touch those things, really. Sometimes he would yank on them when he got the chance, or flick them to taunt. No matter what he did, the alien did not seem to like it. Those mysterious parts of the alien were a 'no trespassing' zone.

The restricted access was in no way helping Dib's persistent curiosity to better know his nemesis. He has concluded that the stalks served as both ears and a nose. They were very much bug-like in the sense that Zim would use them in feeling out an object or room.. they would twitch and turn like a cat's ears. They even expressed emotion. The limbs were so intriguing, and yet, he never gets the chance to study them properly.

One day he would have that chance, he swore to himself. One day, when the Irken was down and vulnerable. When he had more weakness to exploit. He would have to play it smart. Maybe some force where needed.

Dib blinked, taken back from the stare he just realized was upon him. And the flush of purple returning.

The Irken's gaze was twitching as he glanced over the human to his right. "You are using more water than a colossal water balloon does," he finally snapped. "Quit staring at Zim and do something more useful like- fishing!"

Dib's face scrunched, turning off the faucet immediately. He went around the alien to grab a paper towel. "How on Earth could I possibly fish at skool?"

"Must Zim have all of the answers?!" he hissed, eyes following his nemesis in the mirror behind him suspiciously.

Dib returned to the next sink over, leaning on the edge. Defiant.

The alien continued to brush at his antennae, gaze fixated on his reflection.

"Are you _still_ overheating?" his nemesis spoke up again, leaning his chin in his palm.

The Invader slowly narrowed his eyes, turning his head back to the child. "Am I still wearing a coat?" he snapped back.

"No," Dib lifted a brow, looking over his tinged cheeks before glancing slightly away to avoid the harsh gaze. Though, as soon as the alien turned his head, his eyes fell back upon him. Observing.

The Irken's mouth twitched uncomfortably as he switched his attention to the right lekku now, the limb immediately jerking. He gripped it firmly, however, proceeding to cleanse the stalk of any residue. Muffling his hearing. Scents mixing. Balance wobbling.

Dib blinked hard as his nemesis seemed to be having difficulties standing up straight. Was he going to faint? Did he still need to cool down? "Uh-"

The Irken sent a glare the child's way. "Quit your infuriating stare, Earth beast!" he pressed. "Do not make Zim pluck out your eyeballs and replace them with gophers! You cannot see with gophers!"

Dib would have retaliated with an amused snort, but the Irken's cheek colour was all but distracting. Purple. A gentle shade of purple against light green. He didn't understand it. Could Irkens blush? Were they even capable of such a thing?

Zim's behaviour during his time on Earth stayed relatively the same, but in other ways, it hasn't. He was still the naïve and egotistical alien he has come to know and hate, but… the Irken seemed to be… different.

Taking more things in. Innocent questions. Putting off plans for world domination. This… blushing thing.

It was just plain strange. Behaviour from the alien that he could not comprehend. His image of Zim and blushing just did not match up in his head.

The paranormal investigator continued his observations, and before he realized it, his hand had reached forward to touch.

He paused from the alien hiss pushed through the Irken's teeth, blinking at the threat. He relaxed his body again as the Irken left his personal space, brow furrowing. No further studies today, it seemed.

Instead, he took to watching again. Eyeing the black stalks and how they interacted with the environment around them. Twitching from tiny sounds. Lifting. Lowering. Swiveling.

"How well can you hear with those?" he blurted his curiosity.

The alien glowered in the mirror once again. "How well can you hear with _those_?" he retorted, sending a pucker of his lip his nemesis's way. "How do you expect Zim to judge his amazing level of auditory?"

"I don't know," Dib shrugged. "Just tell me what you hear?"

"ZIM WILL TELL NOTHING!" he burst, releasing his feeler and whipping the used towel.

Dib deadpanned, opening his eyes again as gravity pulled the sticky towel from his face. He caught the paper, sending it into the garbage, which was in danger of overflowing. He watched his rival gather up his coat, purple boots and mittens. Pak opened. Wires grabbing the articles of clothing. The scarf was snatched, as well as the odd cat ear headband.

He never did understand it. Nor the boots and mittens that he wore over his regular boots and gloves.

Dib watched as the winter clothing disappeared, blinking as his enemy fit the wig back over his antennae. "Are you finally done? I think we can catch the last fifteen minutes of skool," he drawled, grabbing up his shoulderbag.

Zim scowled, adjusting the head piece with the most precise of shifts. He backed off from the mirror, gloved fists on his hips. "Now finished," he gleamed.

"Great," Dib rolled his eyes before going to the doors, twisting the lock.

The Irken's eyes narrowed from the brushed off amazingness that he had presented. How dare the child not acknowledge it!

Zim pushed right past him in spite, however, the child dragged him right back in. He hissed up at the human from the mistreatment, ready to blow a gasket.

"Shh!" Dib pointed through the cracked door.

The Invader blinked, then at the blue shirt his left cheek was smushed against. He followed the direction anyhow, eyeing the body a little ways down.

The hall monitor. Scanning the area. Breaking into the occasional locker.

Zim observed the child in his inspection of a particularly jello-filled locker. Jiggling the mass with a poke. Tasting some. Commenting with a hum of thought. Going for a second helping with the scoop of his hand.

The Irken made a sound of disgust, something that echoed down the quiet hall.

The child dropped what he was doing, head snapping towards them.

Both enemies tensed and bolted back through the dim room, aiming for the last stall. Dib quickly locked the door behind them, both jumping up onto the toilet seat and grabbing at each other for balance.

"This is your fault," Zim commented in a harsh whisper, dangerously close to his nemesis.

The human glowered back. " _I'm_ not the one who wanted to look _pretty_ before biology class!"

"You lie!" he swallowed his argument from the slam of the double doors.

"Who's in here?!"

Dib blinked towards the locked stall door, then in the direction of the voice on the far left of the room. He glanced back to his rival, strangely comforted by the collective fear he found in the violet lenses. It was really strange, in fact. Being embraced by someone who was just as terrified as him. It felt oddly empowering. As if their fate rested in his hands, and his alone.

"I know you're hiding in here somewhere.."

Zim's wig stirred as the alien glanced here and there, enemy in his grasp against the wall. He scanned the room with his dulled hearing. Footsteps. Breathing. Heartbeat.

A slam of a stall door against the inner wall sent Zim practically stumbling into the watery depths.

Dib struggled for balance with him before he finally grabbed the lightweight alien up by the waist, the two frozen again.

The Irken jerked from the next bang, tightly clinging to his nemesis by the shirt collar. They were going to be caught. Their stall was locked. It was a dead giveaway. He glanced down to the toilet seat they stood upon, blinking.

Perhaps they could escape through the sewers. That was a thing humans did in the movies, right? Flushed themselves.

The very idea sent a shudder of revulsion through the Irken. Meanwhile, Dib was glancing about for his own method of escape. A more logical method, that is. His eyes lifted before he let out an almost audible gasp.

Another bang of a stall door. Dib quickly poked and prodded at his nemesis to gain his attention.

Zim made a face of disgust as the child in his arms started rubbing himself all over his superior form, taking a hand back and thwacking some sense into his panicking rival.

Dib frowned, rubbing at his left cheek before he turned Zim's head up, pointing to the ceiling.

The Irken blinked up at the vent for long moments. Was there a spider coming down from it? Had Dib spotted a cockroach army? Was it just an interesting thing to point out in the middle of their dilemma?

Dib blinked as his rival simply stared back at him again. His mouth shook, then his head, and he was shutting his eyes before a hostile glare was revealed. He motioned his arm lifting in the air repeatedly.

Zim continued to stare like the child's head had shrank a few sizes.

The child blinked wide in disbelief before he gritted his teeth, gripping at the green jaw mercilessly. "Take. Us. UP," he hardly whispered under the next bang.

Only two remained before the last stall would be reached. And that last stall looked pretty suspicious locked like that. The shuffles and voices were pretty suspicious too.

Still, he checked every stall. Every last one. He slammed his foot into the second to last, adrenaline pounding through him. This was it. This was his moment. Months and months of wandering around the empty halls with no excitement whatsoever was about to change. Catching this rule breaker was going to bring him worship. Recognition. Power. Free water at the fountain.

He gritted his teeth, tensing his leg. He brought said limb up, clenching. Twisting himself.

He cried out in frustration from the shock of pain. Right. The door was locked. He wasn't a superhero. Yet.

He glared at the locked stall door, kneeling down to peek beneath. No shoes.

Trying to hide, eh? He smirked before making his way to the stall over, climbing up onto the toilet. "Ahh HAA!" he screeched as he peered over the wall.

The hall monitor blinked wide from the empty stall. Well, then. He jumped from the clatter of rusted metal.

He eyed the vent cover that landed in the toilet water, brow furrowing. He glanced up to the dark, spooky vent. Shuddering.

No. Not the falling vents. The cooing. Something feeling just.. _wrong._

"NOOO!" the hall monitor cried, jumping down from the toilet seat, tripping over himself a little, and scampered away as fast as his legs could carry him.

* * *

"You're such an idiot sometimes, you know that?! We almost got caught because of you!"

The Irken scoffed ahead of the child, crawling within the tight space. Granted, it was much easier to move without being packed full of organs. That was a _really_ tight squeeze, but he had somehow managed. "Foolish _child_. If it weren't for _ZIM_ , you would be in the rinsable's office of this filthy skool attempting to explain how your privacy was unlawfully intruded upon!"

"It's _principal_ , you moron," Dib rolled his eyes before he stuck his tongue out at a particularly squishy surface his hand had landed on. He was really glad that this ventilation system was dark, albeit the streams of light every now and then as they passed over what he could see of the hall below. "I certainly hope you know where you're going."

"Of course I do!" Zim shuffled along, the human trailing behind. He peeked through the vents every now and then as they passed over them, lip puckered.

Dib sighed as he followed, eyes falling away from the outline of the figure before him. Though, he had to admit to himself it was pretty neat that Zim's Pak glowed in the dark. He's seen it before, especially in the deep cavern of his room when the alien would occasionally.. visit. Usually to steal a photo taken that same day, or to destroy a certain videotape.

Or to just frighten him. The Irken has a tendency to show up randomly on the other side of his window while he's trying to sleep. That must be the creepiest behaviour he's probably seen out of his nemesis. One time, he woke up in the middle of the night to spot his alien rival's big gaze watching through the glass. That nearly gave him a heart attack.

Dib glared slightly before grunting from the slam into the body before him.

The alien hissed back from the shove, turning inside the vent to face his enemy. "Clumsy Earth child!" he snapped quietly.

Dib scowled, rubbing at his brow. "Well, maybe if you didn't _stop_ out of nowhere, I wouldn't be bumping into you!"

Zim blinked at the human through the small light source of the vent beneath them. "We are here, though."

"Oh. Well, a warning next time would be great," Dib deadpanned before he eyed the classroom below. They were just above the back countertops. That's inconspicuous enough. Well, as inconspicuous as it could be with two students late to class dropping out of the vents. Still, people were stupid enough to buy it.

He watched as mechanical legs untwisted the screws, lifting the vent. "Uh - can you maybe let me down easy?"

Zim only glowered. "No."

The class all turned their heads back to the commotion of a scream and crash.

He groaned from the pain before his breath was knocked out of him from the force landing on his back.

Zim smiled victoriously from the successful cushion to his fall that his rival had so kindly provided. He stepped down, boots clacking as he touched the floor.

"Boys," the teacher forced a smile. Dang it. Just when she thought they were both absent. There goes her celebratory toast tonight. "I'm going to pretend that you didn't just fall out of the sky and that you showed up on time like everyone else."

Dib lifted himself upright, spine cracking back into place. "Sorry," he mumbled, dragging his bag with him to follow after the alien to their lab counter. They shared the one in the far back of the classroom.

Zim jumped up onto the stool on the right that he had claimed on their first day of this miserable class. Closest to the door. He very much favoured that spot. Able to sneak in and out without drawing too much attention to himself.

And Dib, seeing the opportunity of the open seat beside his nemesis, dashed for it, effectively shoving Keef out of the way on day one. Zim looked appalled during the first few days. However, that attitude slowly dwindled.

He realized that the human was quite intelligent. A child super genius, even. But certainly not smarter than himself.

He always had the answers. His grades were practically flawless, besides the participation aspect bringing them down. He kept his smarty answers all to himself.

However, Zim very much used this to his advantage. He fed off of the child's intelligence to gain the correct answers - seeing that _his_ always tended to be far off, it was really quite disheartening - and he would be the one to shout it out. Lift his hand. To participate, and feel the satisfaction of praise. As a team, they were both given the credit.

Zim was an idiot when it came to basic skooling. But Dib had to hand it to him. The alien was not afraid to open his mouth and speak up. Whereas Dib tried to stay quiet and not be looked upon as a nerd amongst his classmates, Zim was more than happy to be at the center of attention.

Dib began to unpack, textbook practically sticking to his hand. He stared at it before glowering the snickering alien's way.

"As I was saying," the teacher cleared her throat, pointing to the diagram. "To be festive, the skool has decided to allow students to dissect a human heart. This does not mean to mutilate it. This project requires you to use the heart for research. There's a worksheet, you write on it, tell your answers at the end, blah blah blah…"

Dib furrowed his brow immediately as the teacher went on. " _Human_ heart?" he questioned, eye narrowing. He sent a glance his nemesis's way, however, the Irken did not seem as disturbed as he did.

Well, of course he wouldn't get it! He's an alien! But then again, the rest of the students ahead of them didn't seem to react much at all to the fact either.

What on Earth was _wrong_ with everyone?

Zim blinked down at the jar gifted unto their table. He looked back up to the teacher who shot him a look that was not so kind.

"Any questions before we begin?" the teacher's eyes scanned over the classroom.

The Irken practically flinched as the child beside him raised his hand abruptly.

The class collectively moaned.

"Yes, Dib?" she forced on in her wavering smile.

"Yeah, is this really ethical?" the investigator blurted. "I mean, it's a _human_ heart. I thought that there were laws against letting skools experiment on human anything."

The alien widened an eye in question from his rival's point, however incomprehensive it may be.

The students seemed to catch on as well, eyeing their teacher again.

She simply stood there, gazing about the classroom. "Anyhow, time's ticking, so get to work!"

"This is insane," Dib scoffed. "The government doesn't allow these things to happen in skool!"

The Irken blinked the child's way, evaluating carefully. "Are you speaking to _Zim_ or to those creepy crawlies in your head brain?"

Dib shot a scowl at his nemesis before returning his eyes to the paper. How many left ventricles are in one heart? What colour is the left ventricle? Is the heart still active? Is _your_ heart still active?

The child blinked slowly as he reread the questions. Meanwhile, a certain Irken was squirming in his seat. Fidgeting, twisting, tapping on the desk. Kicking at the counter. Swiveling on his stool. He watched his nemesis before finally grabbing at the jar.

Dib quickly smacked at the restless limbs of his rival with the paper, fixing him with a glare. "Don't touch anything! I'll do it, just sit there and do whatever!"

The alien made a face from the slap he was given, tongue sticking out childishly. And honestly, he really did act like a child sometimes, if not all the time. He couldn't sit still. He asked too many questions. He reigned terror upon what he touched. Temper tantrums. Yelling. Competition. Energy. Sugar. Outrageous imagination.

Instead of writing, the child found himself analyzing his nemesis's behaviour. Perhaps he was literally a child of his species. Or did all Irkens act this way?

The alien was humming some kind of military-esque theme, legs gently swinging back and forth in a makeshift march. Gaze shifting here and there. Observing the world around him. Wig shifting every now and then.

Dib lifted a brow from the behaviour. Suspicious as always. He still couldn't believe that there was a live alien in his life. Beside him. He travelled the stars. He's seen races and planets beyond his wild imagination. He utilizes a different language. He's on a mission. This tiny, individual thing has a mission to take down an entire civilization for his leaders. A thing that wore cat earmuffs - which he clearly did not need - and had a diet of what he assumed to be something similar to sugar.

That is the closest conclusion Dib has come to. He had managed to steal a few of the Irken's snacks while sneaking about the base months back. Almost every package was adorned with the bug-like symbol of Zim's race. The material felt quite similar to what he was used to on Earth. The contents inside, however…

As soon as he had tasted the first snack, his body immediately rejected it. It was the most sickeningly sweet flavour he had ever put into his mouth, and no taste of any Earth treat could have even come close to describing what his body almost vomited from. It was so sweet that it was disgusting. Was such a thing possible?

Probably. The human's eyes glanced over his rival before finally returning his attention to the questions placed upon dead tree matter. There was no doubt in his mind that Zim acted the way he did because of his diet. It must have been. Irkens were sweetaholics. Thus, psychotic behaviour. That's how people grew up to be child murderers, right?

"Zim knows you are dumber than the Squoopguff of a Gorgonosh, but those words are in _English_ , your homeland _language_ , _Earth_ -monkey," the Irken taunted as his finger pointed to the paper, the intrusion and voice effectively jarring Dib from his thoughts.

"I know that!" the child snapped, blowing the Irken back into his own space. "I'm just still trying to figure out why this is even a thing!"

The alien furrowed his brow, blinking up at him, his eyes falling to the container before them. "Then Zim will start with the filthy pig-spleen experiment while _you_ think over why your Earth trees had to die for it!" he went for the jar.

Dib snatched the jar away with a scowl. "It's a human heart, you lizard! _Human_. _Heart_. And I _know_ why paper is a thing! I was talking about the project!" he hissed his frustrations.

The Irken hummed back in irritation, slouching. He watched the child place the container back down, safely out of Zim's reach. He let out a long groan of boredom, face falling into his hands with a _smack_.

His nemesis dwelled too much. Zim jumped right into things. Working together was perhaps the most frustrating thing that the alien ever had to experience, besides having to clean up after Gir. That horrible robot vomited _everywhere_. Absolutely _everywhere_.

The Irken lifted his head up to place his chin in his hand, looking over to the child again with nothing but resentment. His rival taking too long to get started was not the only thing that brought him disdain. Besides Dib taking control of every experiment, the child tended to use whatever he could to drive his rival insane.

He would taunt the Irken throughout. Cutting tools in his hands. One time, the child turned a scalpel on him, and the teacher had caught it - which immediately earned Dib a one-way ticket to the counselor's office. The Irken was seen shortly after and forced through a horrible program about cyanide invention. Some anti-bull ring, whatever that means. Regardless, it was horrible. Oh so horrible, the tears that other children would burst into within the circles of speech they had. The group sessions still eluded him.

The child has not attempted such a thing since. Though, he certainly has found other ways to bring the Irken discomfort, and the most memorable - horrifyingly memorable - event was the day the class was given tiny.. green .. frogs.

Live, of course. They had to kill them first. Something that did not disturb the alien too badly, since he has seen a lot of death in his time, however, he remembered many students screaming in terror.

What he did not wish to remember was what Dib did to the frog _after_ said death. He had poked and prodded the thing. Cut… it open. Revolting noises. Expelling liquids.

Making the body dance like a puppet by its intestines.

The act had made the Irken faint. He distinctly recalled waking up in an off-white bed with the nurse hovering over him, the bitter scent of sterilization filling his senses. Crackers that looked more like bricks offered to him, and a cup of cloudy water.

Zim caught himself from swaying out of his chair, refocusing on the human to his left. He always caused him so much trouble. It was a wonder why he did not just execute the human already.

But maybe the child messing with him was what kept him interested. It was so _boring_ without someone around to tease and be teased by. He never knew what he was missing until he had it.

The Irken let out another ghostly moan.

"Oh, stop it," Dib scoffed, eyes scanning over the heart briefly before they fell back upon the paper.

The alien whined, moving restlessly in his chair. "Just open it!" he cried.

"No! Stop pressuring me!" Dib huffed, fishing in his bag. He pulled out the object that had become sticky from the textbook, tossing it onto the table. "Here! Now stay out of trouble and let me think!"

Zim blinked wide at the colourful box of squares, gasping.

The human sighed slightly in relief, going back to the paper to finally focus on it in peace. For how long does a heart stay active when given an electric shock? Does the heart have any signs of rodent infestation? Does yours?

Dib stared at the page. What kinds of questions were these?

Well, he should probably start. He failed to understand how poking at a heart would answer these weird questions, but, the teacher is expecting them to do it, so he might as well.

He exhaled once again, finally placing the paper down. Head turning towards his nemesis, mouth opening to speak..

Dib blinked from the mess of small cubes scattered across the black tabletop. His eyes slowly lifted to meet his enemy's, who seemed to have not moved an inch since his entertainment was given unto him.

The Irken simply stared back, hands folded innocently over his lap. "It wasn't Zim," he quickly defended.

The child growled to himself, grabbing at his bag to open it, proceeding to shovel in the broken pieces of his Rubik's cube. "Forget it!" he snapped. "Let's just get on with the project already!"

"Finally," the alien drawled out, eyes rolling. "Give to Zim!" He gripped the jar, lifting it over the book bag.

"Hey!" the child left the remaining pieces to fend for themselves, reaching for the container. "Give it back! I don't trust you!"

"Trust me?! It is a dead monkey-brain! Zim cannot do any harm to it!" he held it away.

"It's a _HEART_ , Zim! And you're going to drop it!" the human desperately reached over the Irken, however, he paused as he noticed the staring children around them.

The alien caught on as well, blinking from the attention. He immediately grinned with a nervous twitch, slowly bringing the jar back down between them.

Dib bit the inside of his cheek, lowering his eyes as the heat rushed to his face. After the students minded their own business once again, he glared towards his nemesis. "I hate you," he mumbled.

"I hate you, too," the alien sneered before finally twisting open the jar.

Dib jerked as his enemy reeled and made over exaggerated gagging noises. However, they seemed quite genuine when the human looked over, because his rival was doubled over and looking green in the face. More than usual, that is. "Oh, come on, it can't smell _that_ bad," the child scoffed. He grabbed the jar to take a tiny whiff.

Zim squealed in fear as even his hard-edged nemesis covered his nose and mouth, cheeks puffing. Face turning a different colour. "ZIM REFUSES TO WORK WITH THIS MOOSE LIVER!" he screeched up at the teacher.

"IT'S A HEART!" Dib hissed, though he had to cover his facial features once again with a few uncanny sounds of bodily disagreement.

"I'm sorry, boys, but the skool board requires every student to participate," the teacher stayed up at the front of the class, voice nasal from the tiny device pinching her nostrils shut. "You have forty more minutes!"

The alien kept his arms over his covered head, mouth shaking in revulsion as he glanced towards his rival.

Dib eyed him back in dismay.

* * *

The two stood there in the tiny restroom of the nurse's office, blood splatters covering them from head to toe.

"This is _your_ fault," the Irken hissed out, cringing as the towel absorbed - along with pressed - the blood along his skin. Water-based, he could only conclude, and the scent all over them was enough to make him wish to vomit into the toilet a third time.

"Me?! If _you_ hadn't _touched_ anything, we wouldn't be here!"

"All Zim did was poke it!"

"Exactly!" Dib's towel was wet from the sink, a clear advantage for the human to wash off the toxic liquid from his skin, but he seemed to have a load of trouble getting it out of his clothes. "Oh, man! My trench coat!"

" _My trench coat!_ " the Irken mocked dramatically, biting back a hiss from the water splashing the side of his head. He glared back at the human as his skin sizzled once again, holding the other's stare with a challenging air between them.

"Are you boys okay in here?" the nurse approached the open doorway. She sighed from their stained shirt and.. dress? before leaning down to help the green child who seemed to have made much less progress in cleaning himself than the other. That, and, Dib sort of scared her after that whole incident with the press. Not to mention the stories she is told of him by his teachers.

The woman felt a shudder pass through her before a smile returned. "Oh, sweetie, you can't clean all the blood away without some water to help."

The alien squeaked as the towel was taken and ran under the stream at the sink Dib had been using. "N-No! Zim is fine! I quite enjoy being covered in filthy human blood! All day, every day, I bathe in it anyhow! I am normal!" he screamed, having backed himself into the corner of the tiny room beside the toilet.

Both the child and nurse stared at him before glancing at each other. Dib looked away first, going back to cleansing himself. "Humans don't _bathe_ in blood," he scoffed.

The nurse blinked down at him before she stiffened.

Zim scowled back at his rival's comment, insides fluttering in anxiety as the woman only stared. He swallowed, eyes searching for something to aid him.

Much to his favour, however, the woman disappeared. He slumped in relief, releasing an exhale.

Dib blinked in the mirror to the empty doorway before he glared, kicking the door shut with his boot and locking it. "People are so stupid," he hissed.

"Yes, you are," Zim giggled devilishly, though swallowed the mockery from the child coming at him with the wet towel. He hissed from the brash snap that radiated in his feelers beneath the wig, a painful sting rising across his hip. He glowered immediately, protecting the wound as he turned his body into the corner. "Hey!" he hissed.

The child sneered at him before returning to wiping away the blood from his chin and neck. "You asked for it," he reasoned.

"Zim asked for nothing!" The alien glared, turning his head down to keep to himself. Stupid child. Always torturing him.

It would be so sweet the day the human was finally bowing to him. Begging for forgiveness. Delivering snacks to him. Complimenting him. Pleasing him. Kissing the tip of his boot.

Dib furrowed his brow from the dreamy gaze his nemesis adopted along with the amused hums and giggles, the human uncomfortably shifting in his stance. It was just plain creepy when he did that. Probably imagining world domination again. Or his head on a stake. Or maybe just a pile of snacks. Who knows?

"Uh… Yeah." The human put as much space as possible between them in that moment, staying by the door and sink. He proceeded to rinse the towel of the blood-water mixture contained inside of it, keeping a suspicious eye on his rival like always. "Earth to Zim," he spoke up again.

The alien blinked hard, imaginary flames and cackling swallowed up. "Hem?" he narrowed an eye towards the child, glancing around the small room. "Err, I was, ehm.." he fidgeted. "Anyhow," the Irken quickly spoke. "Why did you not show this morning?"

"Huh?" the child's mouth twisted in confusion, furrowed brow evident. He adjusted his glasses briefly before attempting to wash the blood from his hair. "I _did_ show this morning. Remember?"

"Not _in_ skool, you filthy _Dib_ -blood filth," he hissed. "Before skool. On the way to skool. Walking to skool. Showing _then_."

Dib blinked from the inquiry, pausing. "My sister didn't want to go."

The alien slowly tilted his head, then the other way. Wig stirring. "Why not so?"

"Because she hates holidays like I do." He clasped his scythe-hair between the towel, running it through. "But I convinced her to go with me because our dad likes his kids to have 'perfect attendance'," he mocked.

The alien immediately took the tone as an insult somehow, familiar with the child's dips in voice. But at the same time, it had nothing to do with him. Was he taunting him somehow? "Zim does not have perfect attendance," he argued.

A very irrelevant point, Dib mused. "Well, yeah, you were too busy crying over snacks on your couch for weeks."

The Invader glowered, placing his hands on his hips. "Snacks are important!" he snapped. "And Zim did not cry over _just_ snacks!"

"Pfft," Dib's cheeks puffed slightly as the corner of his lips contorted upward. "Something else just as ridiculous that you were crying over?" he drawled.

"No," the alien glowered incredulously.

"What, then?" Dib could not hold back the snicker.

" _You_ , you filthy Earth-pig."

The child's face dropped from the blunt answer, blinking hard. "Oh. Well.." Dib awkwardly glanced away from his rival's glare. "Uhm.. well, that's over now. Don't worry about it."

"Zim was not worrying," he retorted immediately. "Zim does not worry."

"Of course not," Dib rolled his eyes. The air became silent between them once again.

Dib let out a sigh. He just dodged a bullet. A very big, _threatening_ bullet. That month of his premature midlife crisis was probably one of the biggest mistakes he could have ever made. He had abandoned his lifestyle to seek the approval of his father. Leaving the SEN on the back burner. Allowing his case files to collect weeks of dust. Cutting off any and all interaction with his nemesis.

Never again. What _horrible_ results it produced. Gaz had stopped talking to him all together. His initial motivation of his father's attention had been zapped after days of working in the lab. Skool had become boring again. He missed his trench coat. He missed the cheesy episodes of Mysterious Mysteries. He missed his screaming, rambunctious rival.

Dib hadn't cried that hard since.. well, he's never cried that hard. And he hated crying. He hated to see people cry. He hated the definition of crying. It was just an overall uncomfortable topic, the whole _emotion_ thing.

No more. That phase of his life was over. Gone. Passed. RIP Dib Membrane's Potentially Successful Future.

He sighed, throwing the towel down into the sink.

"Boys!" A knock on the door. "Your ride is here!"

Zim did not move until the human did to unlock the door. He followed after, glancing up to the nurse as they passed beneath her arm. "The Dib-monkey left a massacre in the sink," he commented before placing a hand to his chest proudly. "Zim left a massacre in the toilet as well."

The human made a face, grabbing onto his rival's arm to drag him away. "Yeah, uhm, sorry," Dib apologized fleetingly, swiping his bag from one of the waiting chairs and a lollipop from the receptionist's desk. He handed it to the alien before grabbing a second, retreating.

The Irken blinked down to the object given to him, staring at it as he was led out of the office. "Zim does not eat your filthy Earth candies," he argued.

"I know," Dib smiled almost pleasantly before he snatched it away once out of view of the office, lips curling wickedly.

The alien stared at him in puzzlement, obviously not catching on. He glanced away to the hall around them that was disgustingly decorated with strings of paper hearts, eyes taking in the classroom doors that they passed. Some open, some shut. Stares from children. A scream from a teacher.

Dib continued on unaffected. He led the Irken through the halls up to the double doors, finally releasing his arm. "If you say one word to the driver, then I'm going to.. uh.. do something.. horrible to you! Just horrible! Understand?"

"How horrible?" the Irken quickly asked.

"Like ball pit and drooling toddlers horrible."

The alien gasped. "But Zim does not enjoy either of those!"

"That's the point, moron," Dib huffed, shoving the lollipops into his bag and folding it back over securely. "Just don't say anything to him. I don't want to scare away my dad's driver because of a stupid alien." He took the Irken by the hand this time, pushing open the door.

A cold chill rushed the alien as the snowy atmosphere was revealed around them. He cringed, huddling close to his nemesis to leech off of his ever radiating warmth. Tucking the child's arm against his left one. He spotted the black limo up ahead, blinking nervously. He's been in a few Earth vehicles before. A bus, a taxi, a police car - but never once with his nemesis. It was a nerve-wracking thing. What if it was a plan to bring him to the lab? To test on him? The driver could have been an undercover agent from Dib's network. He could have been stepping towards his doom.

Dib ushered Zim to descend the steps from the slight resistance, not allowing himself to be held back by the hesitation. "Remember: Don't. Say. Anything. Got it?"

The vampire glanced up from the page from the voice. That was Dib. What was _he_ doing out so early?

He peered over the steps, catching a glimpse of green and pink beside the child. He immediately ducked slightly, blinking. Whoa.

That scent smelled so.. so… awful!

The two were coated in blood. The alien's skin a bit scorched. Arm in arm. Heading towards that expensive-looking vehicle. What was it called again?

Anyhow. Zephyr observed carefully as they approached the car.

"Yes, yes, Zim understands," the Irken scoffed. "Just tell this foolish human to be quick. Your primitive vehicles sicken me."

"And lightspeed doesn't?" Dib lifted a brow at him, going for the door handle.

"That sickens Zim on a different level," the alien responded, something his rival huffed a laugh to.

Zephyr narrowed an eye as the child opened the door, allowing the Irken to climb in first. After a quiet bang of the metal shutting again, it was mere moments before the vehicle slowly pulled away.

Okay. That wasn't weird. Enemies carpooling. Why not?

The vampire furrowed his brow, shaking his head from it. He picked himself up, shutting the book.

* * *

After buckling his seat belt, the child sat back. The seats beneath and behind them had been covered with plastic. He dropped his bag to the floor uncaringly, but not without swiping one of the lollipops from inside.

Meanwhile, the Irken was more than intrigued from the rather large space before them. Lines of seats on all four sides of the car. The driver separated from the back, much like the taxi he had had the misfortune of being in. An open containment cell of ice cubes. A few cans and bottles resting throughout. There was a gentle waft of piano from the speakers behind them.

Dib sat there with not one hint of amusement in his features.

Zim observed as the child to his right sucked on the candy, blinking in his curiosity.

The child kept to himself for as long as he could, but the Irken was not making it easy. He sent a scowl the Irken's way before his eyes darted downward. "Why aren't you wearing your seatbelt?" he snapped, reaching across to grab the contraption.

The alien gasped.

Dib furrowed his brow from the reaction before he pulled the belt down, huffing slightly from the pink hem in his way. He moved the uniform over before buckling it in, grabbing the upper belt tight and tugging it. "You're supposed to wear a seatbelt in a moving vehicle, you idiot," he rolled his eyes.

The Irken gasped again abruptly.

The investigator narrowed an eye, scratching at the back of his blood-matted head. "Uh-"

A third gasp.

Wait. Dib opened his mouth again in experimentation, lifting a brow as he allowed the lollipop to hang loosely.

The alien seemed to tense from the act before looking back up to the child. "Your tongue!" he burst.

"What about my-?" Dib grunted as his chin was crushed in the alien's powerful hand. "Hey!"

"Do _all_ human tongues change colour? Could it be green? Ooo, what about purple? Has your tongue ever been purple?!"

Dib ripped away from the grip to stare. He blinked before pulling the blue lollipop from his mouth, sticking his tongue out to glance down at it. Oh. "Uh, probably?" He shrugged, glancing the driver's way behind the shaded sliding window suspiciously. Maybe he wouldn't care about the Irken's outbursts. No one else seemed to, anyhow.

The child jerked from the tug to his hand, glancing back to his nemesis in shock. It was too late.

Zim nommed on the blue candy in Dib's fist, testing the flavour with a hum.

Dib only glared until his nemesis's eyes shot open as smoke trailed from between his lips.

The Irken screamed and hacked from both the burning and flavour. How horrible! What a _disGUSTting_ taste! Ew ew ew!

"Well, that's what you get!" Dib pulled the lollipop away, nose scrunching as he looked upon it.

The alien growled, covering his mouth with his sleeve. "Your Earth candies burn Zim!"

"It wasn't the candy, you jerk," the child hissed, though his attention returned to the blue orb. Was he seriously about to do this?

He twitched slightly. For his studies!

The human popped the candy back into his mouth, rolling the flavour around. Sweet and almost sour on top of blueberry. The thought of what he just did was revolting… but he supposed the fact that the Irken was a germaphobe and neat freak made him think slightly different.

He's never shared germs with anyone outside of his sister and dad. And even then, it sort of disturbed him. Family or not, it was still gross.

So, he might have just done something stupid. He normally didn't act so quickly on a whim like that. Hasty decisions always led to his doom.

The Irken's saliva could be filled with spores. It could be toxic to his body. He could be dead by tomorrow morning.

The child turned to him again. "Is your saliva poisonous?" he spoke aloud.

The alien's glare shook, mouth still guarded. "Zim certainly hopes so, vile Earth weasel," he hissed, smoke expelled.

The windows were rolled down slightly to release some of the smoke, but not a word from the driver.

Dib groaned. He had tests to do after washing up.

The Irken pouted before turning away to the window, escaping his discomfort to find yet more discomfort. What humans called a Winter Wonderland, he called the pit of an icy tomb.

At least he was protected by this Earth vehicle of the Dib father for the time being. He was still rather suspicious of the shadowed man up front, but, he supposed it was less stress on his behalf. Whatever. The driver human can be as shroudy and silent as he wanted.

Dib looked over to the alien briefly before he sat back again, sucking on his lollipop despite the ill thoughts that came with it. It was already inside of him. Why waste a perfectly good lollipop?

The human relaxed further into the plastic covering, the material squeaking beneath him. He couldn't wait for this awkward ride to be over.

* * *

As soon as they pulled into the cul-de-sac, Dib was shifting and unbuckling. The alien tensed from the sudden excitement, observing as his insides fluttered with anxiety.

The human had undone the contraption too quickly for him to copy. He blinked before he struggled with the device, pulling and tugging and pushing wherever he could.

Dib stood, leaving his bag as he opened the door once they had stopped. Jumping out, the human turned and expected to see his rival following. Contrary to his imagination, the Irken was still stuck to the seat, fumbling desperately.

He held back his amused bursts of laughter, grinning smugly as he climbed back inside.

The Irken made a sound of frustration as the human came back to him, hand reaching down.

He blinked from the press and click, staring as the belt retracted from his figure. He hummed in fascination, eyeing to where the contraption was sucked back up into. But before he could grab at the metal piece in further observation, the child was taking him by the arm, hauling him up from the blood-contaminated plastic.

Dib led him out of the car, stepping down into the pile of snow on the edge of the sidewalk.

But the Irken refused to touch down. He gripped the doorway of the car, holding back.

The child glared slightly, tugging until he realized just what was causing the alien to hesitate.

The snow pile under his boots. He stared down at it before glancing back up to the Irken. He didn't want to touch it. He was frightened.

Dib let out a long sigh through his lollipop, prying the Irken's fingers from the doorway one by one.

Zim screeched at him, gripping onto the arms that grabbed around him.

The investigator cringed from the shriek of terror, pushing through it to take the Irken by his hips, lifting him.

The alien hissed and squirmed until he was let down onto the sidewalk. He observed the bare sidewalk beneath him, eyes lifting to the snow that had been pushed to the edge. The Irken beamed victoriously before turning to dash past his fence, snow powdered over what his gnomes had shovelled out of the way that morning. No matter! It was not enough to breach the material of his superior boots!

He went for the knob, parental units awaiting beyond the door as always. "Welcome home, son!" they chorused.

The Irken cringed a bit from the quite normal reaction, turning his head back to peek at the limo driver, though, the man seemed to be turned away. Zim then blinked to his nemesis, a catty grin spreading his lips as he sent a playful salute.

Dib stuck out his blue tongue in return, pulling down a lid childishly.

Zim sneered, pulling the men's door shut behind him. He pushed the robots aside to peer out the window on his right, watching his rival climb back into the vehicle and take off. Well, that was quite the interesting adventure.

"Master!"

"Nyeh!"

Zim grunted as he was bombarded from behind, body smacking into the glass. He glared, shoving them off to turn. "No! No touch! Your Master is covered in-!" Gyah. It was too late. Gir and Minimoose now needed decontamination as well.

The SIR Unit blinked up at the alien innocently. "You got pig liquids all over you, Master!"

"Nya," Minimoose squeaked, its purple nubs stained with red.

The Irken sighed. "Just come on. We must cleanse ourselves of this filth before you run all over the place again. You too, Minimoose!" he pointed accusingly, marching his way to the kitchen doorway. "Come! Follow Zim below!"

The robots squealed in excitement. Bathing with Master!

The tiny moose latched onto the green dog's head, SIR Unit jumping into the trashcan after the Irken with an obnoxious, radiating squeal.

* * *

He let out a long exhale.

The room was steaming up. Hot water hitting his flesh. Chasing away what red was remaining in his raven locks.

He was home alone. He could not even imagine the pummeling he would receive once his sibling returned from skool. Even after all of that trouble of getting her to go with him that morning - signing away his rights to the television for the next two weeks, agreeing to doing her homework for the next month, AND taking her to Bloaty's this weekend - she would sit in lunch alone. She would come home alone. She would deliver a pain unlike any other pain upon his tragically unlucky soul.

He would walk back to skool to get her, he told himself. That was the least he could do. The cold wouldn't bother him.

He sighed as he scrubbed his fingers through his raven strands. This morning was just plain weird. Well, weirder than usual. Zim had tried to scare him? No. Why shove yourself inside of a locker like that to do so?

Wait a minute. This was Zim he was thinking about. The alien was stupid enough to try and pull something like that. But why do such a thing if it would cause him discomfort? Was the note stuck on his locker a clue?

He blinked in thought as he washed the soap away. Some men's shampoo his father had concocted. Supposedly enriched with vitamins. The man was always inventing new formulas for _everything_ around their house. Even their food. He was sometimes afraid to look in the fridge to see the new, gelatinous formula brewing in the back. It was just creepy.

He shook his head of the thoughts, breathing deeply to allow the musk of the shampoo to fill his being. He already ran the tests through. He couldn't wait through a shower to find out if he was going to die in the next few hours or not. Thankfully, the results came back clean. There was no telling what an alien's bodily fluids could have done to him.

That was stupid. What he did was just pure stupidity. He could have died, and the planet would have been without a saviour! Gaz would have been an only child! His father would forget he had a son… again!

Dib huffed to himself. Zim would have turned into a couch potato for the rest of his days and survived off of cartoons and snacks. No true brain stimulation. He wondered if the Irken would ever contact his Tallest at that point.

He wondered if Zim _had_ contacted his leaders during their month-long episode. He never did ask. He might _never_ ask. He didn't necessarily want to bring those memories back to the surface, for Zim _and_ for himself. It was awkward enough what the alien had revealed earlier in the nurse's restroom.

The Irken had been.. crying over him. What did that even mean? He was afraid of losing an enemy? Wouldn't that be a _good_ thing? One less thing to worry about for world domination?

Not that the alien would get very far, of course. He was a moron. His plans blew up on themselves without Dib even showing to stop them. And by stop, he means just standing there and pointing out what was wrong with them. That's what their encounters have been turning into, anyhow. A mere verbal fight, maybe some tackles here and there. That whole freak plan with the sun thing was to get his attention, he knew.

He _did_ focus on other cases. No matter how interesting Zim was, the young investigator still set out on mysteries that had nothing to do with him. Well, except for that one case with the whole children-eating plants in the sewers thing. It turned out that the alien has been dumping toxic waste into their sewer systems since the day he got there - disposing of failed experiments, chemicals, chicken carcasses - which resulted in the growth of some killer alien plants sneaking up through sewer grates and swiping babies from their strollers.

The child shuddered. What a nightmare.

The knobs squeaked as he twisted them, water reduced to icy dribbles from the showerhead. He slid the glass door aside, reaching out for the towel on the edge of the sink. This bathroom had the shower, which was pretty annoying considering that both Gaz's and his room were on the second floor. His dad didn't even use the shower. He knew he had some fancy replacement at work. So, why exactly did they have a shower on the first floor of their house again?

Oh. Right.

Neglect. And plenty of it. No matter how rich and famous their father was, he never did really fix up their house. Sure, they had security systems and plenty of food, but the interior was perhaps even more hideous than _Zim's_ house. Grey living room, grey halls, grey everything - with the exception of a burnt orange sofa. His dad may have been a scientific genius, but his home improvement skills were close to nonexistent. Not that Dib had any more experience with it.

If it were up to him, this place would look like his room - deep hues of a gothic dungeon. That just might scare his nemesis away from visiting him for good. That would be a pretty good tactic, actually.

His dad would probably kill him. That is, once he noticed after a few months.

Dib slipped on the fresh pair of clothes, bouncing around the room to pull on the second leg of his black jeans. Balance back in tact, he snatched his emoticon shirt, popping it over his head before tending to his hair again with the towel, unlocking the door.

Locking it was just out of habit, he supposed. Or maybe paranoia. People could break in at any moment if they simply avoided the electric beams outside. Nothing was stopping someone from climbing the side of their house and breaking a window. Zim has done so many times before, anyhow.

But of course, other people didn't have those weird spider legs protruding from their backpack, or.. whatever.

The child left the doorway into the hall, making his way down the dark corridor into a place that has always haunted him as a child. The laundry room. The monstrous humming of the machines always sent him running from the room until he finally had the guts at seven years old to explore the inside of the machines, only to find that there _wasn't_ a man-eating badger monkey hiding inside. What an idiot his child self was. Pfft. Man-eating badger monkey. Those were only found in parking lots.

He lifted the lid of the washing machine to study his treasured coat. He swore, if this blood didn't come out, he would choke the life out of the Irken, revive him, and then choke him again.

This was his _only_ trenchcoat. And yeah, he might have gotten attached to it through a Halloween costume one year, and he was sure he would be able to buy another, but it just wasn't the same.

This coat has been through everything with him. Investigations, skool, fights, outer space - absolutely everything. It would be devastating the day that he wore the thing out for good. He can't remember how many times he's had to stitch it back together from some pretty brutal fights with his nemesis, but his trusty trench coat always managed to pull through. Certainly blood wouldn't get the better of it.

He put the lid back down. He had been soaking it throughout the tests and time in the shower. Hopefully a wash at this point would save it.

Dib punched the button, letting out a long sigh to himself as the machine was brought to life.

"Stupid alien," he grumbled to himself, rubbing at his hair with the towel as he left the room. He had a few hours before he would go back out to walk Gaz home. Hopefully she won't pummel his face in. It would be nice to be able to breathe through his nose for more than three weeks in a row.

Entering the kitchen, he hooked around the corner to open the humming refrigerator, grabbing a soda. There was a pop and hiss before he sipped, eyes scanning over the state of their supply. Filled to the brim, of course, but most of it on the top shelf has been pushed over. Made way for the pile of meat slabs. Heart-shaped, of course.

He had intended on bringing them to skool that morning. For obvious reasons; he had an alien to torment. Though, the whole commotion this morning with his sister sort of threw off his plans. He had forgotten to pack it all up and bring it with him. It wasn't like he had the chance to mess with the Irken at skool today anyway. Too many abnormalities.

Perhaps he could sneak some trouble in once his trench coat was cleaned up. He had to repay the alien for all of the mess he caused him somehow.

Dib shut the door, taking another swig as he left the kitchen. He was seriously feeling off without his coat. It's like a layer of skin decided to just molt and not grow back. _That_ level of off. His arms were too bare. He needed that extra security blanket. That, and, it made him look cooler. That was just a given.

He passed through the living room, taking to the stairwell. Maybe he can get some work done in the meanwhile. He _did_ have to catch up on some disclosed cases that he's procrastinated with. Or maybe he should try and track that vampire. Or spy on his nemesis.

Hmn..

The human made his way through the hall, shutting his bedroom door behind him. The cases can wait.

* * *

He couldn't stand these Earth holidays. He couldn't stand these seasons. Everything about it just made him wish to blow up the nearest hospital. Again.

The Irken held his chin in a hand, irritation written all over his face. It was cold out here. Granted, the outerwear helped him, but his core temperature was still struggling. Making him shake from time to time. Things he's never had to go through on his home planet all those years ago. Irk's atmosphere was carefully steadied at all times. Not too hot, not too cold, just perfect and manageable. Everything that Earth wasn't. It was frustrating having to listen for weather broadcasts. And the humans weren't even right half of the time! What miserable amoeba. All of them.

"Master, look! I made you!"

The alien puffed his cheeks slightly, lekku flattening beneath the wig once again. Deep in thought. Disguised eyes turned away.

"MASTAH!"

Zim coughed from the abrupt impact of snow, quickly shaking it off. "Don't do that!" he scolded immediately.

"BUT I MADE _YOU_ , MASTAH, I DID!"

The Irken deadpanned towards his robot's sculpture with a less than impressed pucker of his lip. "Gir, that's a taco."

"AWWW YEAH IT IS!"

Zim's mouth twisted as the SIR Unit proceeded to take chunks out of the snow, munching on the frozen water figure noisily.

"Nya!"

The alien rolled his eyes from the call. "What is it, Mini-?" Zim turned his head back towards the house to gasp.

"Nyeh!" Minimoose floated about the ice statue's head. An exact mirror image of the Irken in disguise, standing tall and proud with an Irken flag.

"PERFECTION, MINIMOOSE!" the alien cried, jumping from his snow throne to study closer. "Truly your artistic skills are well beyond any human's!" he praised, smiling brightly before it dipped. "Though, I am much taller than that."

The small robot failed to blink, looking back and forth between his master and the sculpture. Both were the exact same height.

Minimoose shrugged his small nubs before squeaking, racing to cuddle against the Irken's cheek and scarf.

Gir stared at the two, blinking hard before his eyes gave a flash of red.

Zim jolted away as the head of his snow copy came crashing down, leaving the body to stand alone. Headless and eerie.

The two shot a glance towards the SIR Unit with a small tick in their glances.

Cyan returned. Then maniacal giggling. "Oopsie!"

Minimoose roared a tiny squeal as it charged.

The robot screamed in retaliation, hopping up from the snow to run around the house.

Zim furrowed his brow as his minions took off to chase each other, anger and fear turning to laughter and happy squeals. He huffed, rolling his eyes as he turned to reclaim his throne.

The alien stared at the child just beyond his fence.

"Hey, Zim!" the ginger bounced up and down, large smile ever present. "Happy Valentine's Day! Look what I got you!"

Zim sneered from the heart box presented to him, though did not step any closer to accept it.

"Uh.." Keef's smile turned awkwardly crooked. "I know you're a vegetarian, so, uhm, I got you candy instead! See?" He opened the box to reveal tiny chocolates. "Wanna share them?!"

"No!" the Irken hissed. "Now away from Zim's property! Go! Shoo! Before I launch you again!"

"Aw, okay. I understand. You look pretty busy," Keef's head turned down slightly before his smile returned. "Anyhow! I came to ask if you would be my Valentine!" he squealed excitedly.

The Irken tilted his head, wig lifted by an antenna. He quickly glared. "ZIM does not know the time! Now go so I may vomit in your wake!"

The child furrowed his brow slightly, trying to maintain his smile. "Uh - o-okay, then! I'll see you later, pal!" He shut the box, laying it down at the lawn's entrance.

Zim growled to himself as the persistent human skipped his disgustingly merry way back out of the cul-de-sac. He despised that child with a burning passion. Almost as much as Dib.

Almost.

"Uhm… hi?"

The alien jerked from the voice, reeling away from the intruder. Gyah! Him AGAIN?

"What do you want from Zim?!" the Irken screeched, pointing viciously as he marched up to the fence.

The vampire made a face, shielding himself slightly. "Uhm.. I just saw that kid leaving your house."

The alien blinked before scowling over the barrier between them. "And?!"

"I was just.. curious?"

"CURIOSITY KILLED THE BEAVER!"

Zephyr took a good step back from the outburst. "It's actually cat-"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" The alien reached over the fence to poke at the vampire's forehead roughly. "Zim is not stupid! I know when a filthy Earth creature hangs around, they want something! Like the pigeons! After your body flesh, they are! Body flesh and human building access! ZIM IS NOT BLIND!"

The vampire squinted. "What? No, I was just wondering if you were okay! I just thought that maybe Keef was some kid who broke out of the mental-"

"YOU LIE!"

"Okay, can you stop interrupting m-?"

"ENOUGH OF YOUR POINTY MOUTH!" Zim snapped, grabbing up the heart box Keef had left behind and shoved it where needed.

The vampire made a guttural sound of shock from the sudden object preventing his mouth from shutting.

"Eat the cardboard and be content! Zim has no tuna for you here! Go!"

What on Earth? Zephyr pried the box from his mouth, lifting a brow to it. The alien's name with a million hearts around it drawn on top. "I don't eat food like this." He offered the box back.

"ZIM does not care! Dispose of it and begone!" He shoved the gift away.

"But I don't know what to do with it!" Zephyr pushed it back.

"Are your listening extremities broken?! I said to dispose of it! Take it and leave from Zim's sights!"

Zephyr glowered, holding the box firmly as he presented the gift once again. "I'm not taking this! It's yours!"

"What's going on here?!" a voice blurted from the sidelines.

The Irken blinked, turning his head to the human who was standing at the other end of the fence. "Dib!" he greeted with a not so happy twitch. "Come help Zim and chase this foul beast away with your pepper!"

The two stared at the alien, then at each other.

"It's salt, Zim," Dib scoffed, approaching them to snatch the box held between the two. "And what is this?! Some evil _scheme_ between you two?! Huh?!" He looked over the front, then back, then observed the name on the front again with a small twist of dislike in his lips.

"We're not working together-" Zephyr monotonously retorted.

The Irken shoved the vampire away to hold his head up, leaning his elbows on the fence with an evil grin. "And what if it IS an evil scheme, vile _Dib_ -worm?"

Dib glared slightly before a smirk replaced it. "Then I'm going to stop it, of course."

The vampire lifted himself from the snow pile, brushing at his cloak as he watched the human open the gift and study its contents.

"What is this?! Candy?" His eyes travelled over the chocolates before they snapped in the vampire's direction. "Zim doesn't _eat_ Earth food. He's an _alien_."

Zephyr furrowed his brow as the human helped himself to the candy. Well, that was quite rude of him. He tried to ignore it. "That wasn't from me-"

"What have _you_ come for, Dib-beast?" Zim spoke right over their company. "Come to gravel to Zim for tuna as well?"

"It's ' _grovel'_ , you _lizard_. And what does tuna have to do with anything?" He popped another chocolate past his lips.

"Nonsense! It must do with every-! Nnh!" He furrowed his brow from the abrupt movement before him. His SIR Unit was giggling hysterically, using him as some sort of barrier from the other robot.

Minimoose squeaked in return, the two circling around the alien back and forth in their chase.

Before the tiny doomsday device froze. And stared. Gir followed suit, blinking up to their visitors.

While Minimoose stayed put to hide behind the Irken, the SIR Unit waved his arms and ran through the fence entrance. "MARY!"

Dib grunted as the green dog squeezed at his torso. "Hi," he coughed out.

Zephyr kept away from the robot, apparently still traumatized from that first introduction. Observing how Dib interacted with it. Eyeing Zim through the confrontation.

"How is you?!" the robot cried, squishing Dib's face between his tiny, black paws, blubbering drawls spilling from Gir's voice box.

"I'm okay," Dib smiled some, even through the bombardment of his face. He did not even mind that the robot dog stole the box from him and downed the rest of the sugary treats. Or that he coughed a bit on him.

He stared as the green dog ran off to play again, diving straight through a snow castle. Minimoose was cautious, but did join his friend once again. Dib blinked to it, brow furrowed from the behaviour. The tiny robot never really liked him like Gir did. It was quite strange. What was there not to like?

"Anyway," Dib refocused on his nemesis, then on the vampire. "I came by to give you something."

The alien tilted his head to the side as the child reached into his bag. Another cube of colours, perhaps? They were quite fun to break. Err, play with, he meant!

Zephyr blinked as the human pulled something out that made the alien ditch them. The vampire could not even register what was happening until there was a slam of a meat slab against the men's door. Many meat slabs. Weren't those for the holiday nowadays?

"Where are you going, _Zim_?!" Dib taunted, even after the Irken had disappeared into the odd house.

The vampire observed, blinking as the robot minions scurried, the green dog swiping some of the slabs on the doorstep before crashing through the window, the purple moose thing following.

"GIR!" he heard the voice break through.

"Go on, Zim!" Dib sneered, projecting his voice. "Run and hide in your freakish home! But you can't escape me tomorrow morning! Not while I still haven't gotten my revenge!" He finally paused to stare at the lingering vampire. "Uhm.." He held one remaining slab.

The creature of night narrowed an eye as he was given the meat, the child dashing off. He glanced down to it before scowling. "But I don't eat-! Oh, whatever," he huffed, legs carrying him away from the alien property. He glanced back up towards the glowing green house as he trudged on.

How in the world was he supposed to propose himself as an acquaintance if the Irken would have nothing of it? All he cared about was his supposed rival. It was really quite confusing.

He didn't know what to do at this point. He couldn't just ignore the fact that an alien was residing on Earth. He couldn't ignore that said alien talked to him, looked at him, fought him, said his name..

Well, sort of. He was trying, at least.

He needed to study closer. Perhaps watching Dib interact with him more will help him talk to the alien properly, since there was obviously something that he was missing here. He needed expert advice, and who better than to observe if not the investigator himself who devoted every second to the Irken menace?

That's what he would do. He had to stalk - uhm - watch what Dib did. Study. Follow the human's example. Maybe then he could understand what the alien was interested in.

And maybe even have a civil conversation with him. Just maybe. That seemed a little farfetched.

Well, he would try anyway. That's all he _could_ do after all, right? Try?

The vampire made his way out of the cul-de-sac, the meat slab dragging behind him in the snow.

* * *

"Sirs! I have successfully dodged a day of foul skin-fusing meat slabs! And all because of a horrible accident with being covered in human blood! They make you go _home_ if you are covered in it! Can you even grasp such a lowly excuse?!"

Red blinked wide as the small Invader told the tale, muffin hovering near his mouth. "Wait - you mean to tell us.. that you had to go _home_ because of being covered in _blood_? How does that even make any sense?!"

"Yeah!" Purple stuck his voice in throughout his snacking. "So what?! It's just blood! I don't know, Zim, these punins are a little off if you ask me."

"Humans, my Tallest," he corrected. "And yes, they are quite an.. off species. Nevertheless, I must tend to my latest, most amazing plan, _so_ , Invader Zim signing off!"

Purple wasted not a moment more to start howling.

Red joined in immediately, falling over his partner in hysterics. That joke never got old. _Invader_ Zim. Ha! Like he'll _ever_ be an Invader again!

Purple could not contain himself at this point, tears in his eyes. " _Invader_! Did you hear that?! _Invader_!"

"Did I say something wrong?"

The leaders both froze, eyes darting back to the screen above.

The alien blinked back at them. Observing quietly.

"Zim! Uh - no, we were just, you know.. Laughing about.. How.. the humans will look once you're through with them!" Red smiled nervously.

"Yeah!" Pur immediately backed him up, a large grin donning his lips.

Zim's deep gaze shifted from one Tallest to the other.

Purple swallowed, a sweat droplet forming on the back of his neck as he glanced back to his partner.

The Tallest in red kept on smiling. He was quite good at not breaking character. Though, Pur could tell that the mask was starting to crack from the twitching of his lower lid.

The Irken on their screen blinked before he smiled sweetly. "Oh. Okay."

Both leaders gave a small sigh of relief, the tension in their shoulders releasing on the spot.

"Well, err, see you!"

Red furrowed his brow as the screen shut off, turning back to his partner. "See you?"

Pur blinked back to him, shrugging.

* * *

He sat there at the controls, blankly staring. His leaders were always in such a good mood. Always laughing. Having fun with..puppets, was it? Snacking constantly. It should have been an uplifting moment for an Irken to have a call with their cheerful leaders.

But lately.. the contact with his old friends were starting to weigh him down. Eat at him. He could not quite place what exactly it was that was doing so, though.

Maybe it was their laughter. Maybe it was their excuses to not call him. Or constant procrastination of giving him access to the newest updates in Pak technology.

It was not that he necessarily needed it. He could survive without. But being a part of the race meant technological advancement. The Control Brains came out with new protocols. New ways of order. The latest ways in atmospheric processing.

So, he tried to not express his dislike of their actions against him too much. After all, they must have had a good reason to keep him in the dark. Perhaps it was because his mission was a secret.

But, what exactly made it secret again?

The Irken sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emotions are confusing.
> 
> Invader ZIM signing off.


	5. Paranormal Encounters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't bother reading this summary. 
> 
> ...I said don't bother.
> 
> No, really. Don't. There's nothing important here.
> 
>  
> 
> ...Please don't hurt me.

****

**dEfEcTiVe?**

* * *

 

Every Wednesday, the child would visit here. This.. tall, terrifyingly guarded place. Electric fences, cameras on every end of the building.

 

Sometimes he caught vans pulling up. A young boy would be forced out of the back of the vehicle, wrapped in a straight jacket. It was really quite frightening, the screams that the children would blare into the cold night as they were taken away. Never to come back out.

 

But Dib.. The human would come and go out of this intimidating facility. The Crazy House for Boys. Every single week, he would enter this place and leave roughly an hour later.

 

Zephyr stared up at the building from across the street. There was a faint screaming coming from inside. The shadow of a small body dancing across a barred window high above. A crow screeching. Swooping.

 

This place sent chills through him. The entire atmosphere just felt off. It was an insane asylum - no doubt a place where spirits wandered as well. Every mental hospital had its horror stories.

 

But, Dib was not like the children he has seen being dragged into this place. They were chaotic and blubbering, some attempting to attack the guards that held them with their teeth. One had actually managed to escape their grasp, only to drop down to the ground and start eating all of the grass that they could rip up. That was just weird.

 

Dib could be considered normal amongst them. Civil, in fact. Sure, he had his freak outs in class, but nothing he did could compare to the other inhabitants of this spooky hospital. So, were his outbursts in public the only reason for this treatment? If so, why has Zim not been admitted? Or had he already been?

 

The vampire quickly drew himself back behind the lamppost and bush, peeking through the shrubbery to the limo that pulled up. The man in the driver’s seat was hidden quite well from the tinted window, but he could still make out what looked like the top half of a suit. Glasses. An expression that did not seem very happy. But maybe that was just the hidden eyes playing a trick on him. He couldn’t tell anymore. Reading faces was hard.

 

The driver sat there like a robot. It was really quite freaky. The creature of night watched as this human kept his eyes ahead on the road, hands still on the wheel. Absolutely no signs of straying from work to relax. What an odd man.

 

On cue, the double doors of the hospital opened. The child with scythe-styled hair did not… look happy. In fact, he was dragging himself down the walkway. He looked quite ready to blow a gasket.

 

The vampire watched as he climbed into the black vehicle and was taken away. He made certain to move around the bush in time with the limo pulling around, keeping hidden. His deep gaze followed the vehicle as it disappeared down the road to the left, unblinking. Dib always seemed to be in such a foul mood when he left that place. Even more so than usual.

 

Was it outpatient therapy? Did the child seriously need it? Was he one of those deceiving psychopaths? The ones that acted normal, but actually had a torture chamber in their basement?

 

His room certainly told a lot about the child. He was into the paranormal. Magick. Space. Technology. Investigations. Zim. So much Zim.

 

The Irken was all over his room. Photos lining the walls - over his computer, over his bed, pinned to his closet. Absolutely everywhere. Evidence. Scrap alien machinery. Sticky notes full of information on him. And that computer of his.. no doubt littered with the alien as well. His obsession was overwhelming, and it scared him.

 

Was it safe for the Irken to be hanging around him? Or - was it safe for Dib to be hanging around a world-annihilating alien? Was Zim the one who drove him to insanity? Was Dib the reason Zim had not blasted them off the universal map?

 

This entire situation was complicated. This entire situation wasn’t even his _business_. Yet he still pursued it. Why on Earth was he torturing himself with this?

 

Oh. Right. Aliens. An alien was on Earth, trying to blow it up. He had a secret base. He was somehow blending in. He had a robot… thing. The alien wore cat ears and a pink dress, or.. whatever...

 

It was really freaky. Some sort of situation pulled straight out of television, and he just happened to stumble across it. It was almost insane.

 

Okay, it was. The Irken has been residing here long enough for a child to have collected mounds of information on him. He has managed to fool the majority around him, disguising himself as a human child attending elementary skool. He was allergic to… water?

 

This planet was certainly the worst he could have picked, if that was the case. Water was in absolutely everything. The life force of this world. It covered most of the Earth. It was in plants. It fell from the sky. It was in the air.

 

Did Zim have trouble breathing? Was he in constant pain? Is that why he seemed irritated all the time?

 

It was just endless questions with that alien. Endless wonder. Perhaps that is what kept Dib after him. What would keep _him_ after the Irken.

 

He had to know. He had to interact. There was no other path he could take without going back to trying to smash his deteriorated brains on the pavement.

 

This was a matter of sanity.

* * *

 

He blinked as he sat there, fingers clutching at the chains on either side of his shoulders. The children had abandoned their positions at the recreation area as soon as he approached, it seems. No surprise there.

 

Gir liked these things, he previously collected. Whenever he would walk his robots to the park, the SIR Unit would attack the swing set, and all of the children who unfortunately accompanied it. Chomping, climbing, hanging. He especially loved to rip the swings right out and toss them around to smack children clear out of the park.

 

He never received any of the backlash from their parents. He was a mere _child_ , after all. This disguise certainly has its perks.

 

The alien shifted one leg slightly, then the other. How exactly did the others manipulate the swing to do their bidding? They would move their legs, but, how so? In what fashion?

 

He glanced up towards the children on the playground. Hanging from bars. Climbing up the slide. Playing with chalk. The whistle from his gym teacher. Tetherball.

 

The Irken blinked at the courtyard of activity all around him. So many heartbeats. Vibrations of running. Laughter. Breathing. Animals. Insects. So much life surrounding him. Radiant life. It was almost.. overwhelming.

 

His eyes were drawn to the corner of the skool yard by a particular colour. A very still colour.

 

Purple. The colour purple was very much appealing to his ocular implants. The child with said hair colour was lingering in her usual spot - a lonely bench away from people. Focus taken by her constant gaming device. Always playing games, that child. _All_ of these children.

 

He almost envied them. These primitive apes, their young lives consumed by play and written tests - Irken smeets did not share the same simple pleasures. From day one, they are placed into military training. Worked to exhaustion. There was no rest period. Those who failed, died. Others lived on to serve the empire. No compassion. If a smeet fell behind, they stayed behind. Period.

 

But these humans… a mere fall and scratch, and they would be swarmed with support. It made no sense to him. So what if they were crying in pain?

 

Zim relocated the lonely Earth creature by the fence. She was tapping away, her head down. Shutting everyone and everything out as usual. He never did quite understand her fascination with the games. Yes, some were quite fun, but to do so _that_ often? The very idea was incomprehensible. To have an able body and mind was to do something productive with it. Not waste time on games. Work. Work. Work. Only work.

 

Wait.

 

Something was missing. Zim tilted his head as he observed Membrane’s youngest child. Her brother was nowhere in sight. Not sitting there, not reading a magazine, not glaring his way..

 

His eyes darted towards the concrete steps. Sometimes, he would be there. Waiting for class to end so he could be the first one to escape the prison yard of judgement. It was not necessarily any better indoors, really. He did not exactly see why the child was so eager to go inside. Perhaps the Sun burned his ghostly pallor of skin. Or maybe he did not like butterflies. Those were pretty scary.

 

Zim glanced to the other side of the yard to where his usual bench was, just under the tree that Dib would also be found hanging about in. He liked to sit up on that one branch, the alien observed, watching the courtyard below. Looking beyond the fence, watching the clouds, keeping to himself. Most of the time. The Irken assumed that the child enjoyed that spot because it was easy to watch him from. Or perhaps to hide from their gym coach. Either were reasonable.

 

But Dib was in neither of those areas. He was not anywhere, in fact. Not hiding under the slide. Not using running children for cover. He wasn’t getting pummeled by Torque. He did not recall him being sent to the nurse, or counselor’s office. There were no holes dug along the fence from which he escaped from. He attempted that one time. He smuggled a spork from the cafeteria. Getting caught just earned him a month’s worth of detention. And a lecturing from his father. Zim had overheard his phone call that day. It was not pleasant. Well, for Dib. For Zim, on the other hand -

 

He gasped as he was suddenly shoved forward, clinging desperately to the swing. At one point, his vision filled with the red sky, and then his insides were lurching as gravity sucked him back down towards the Earth.

 

And then the swing suddenly froze in midair. He stared, nerves on edge as he studied the seat and chains. Pale fingers were clutching the swing below. Long, black sleeves attached to them. His disguised eyes traveled behind him, head following.

 

“Zim.”

 

“Dib.” The Irken’s head tilted to the side. “Why are you not climbing in your _tree_ , _Earth monkey_?” he drawled with a most vicious sneer.

 

The human did not hold back his scowl.

 

Zim grunted from the next shove, a hand quickly releasing one of the chains to hold his disguise in place as the whip of wind bit at his skin.

 

His body lurched back from the force as the swing was recaptured. The Irken glowered, lip puckered as he fixed his wig, however, his body panicked and gripped at the chain again as he was spun.

 

Zim glanced up to the crossed chain before he shot a sour glance back down at his nemesis before him.

 

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m trying to get on your evil _alien_ _nerves_.” He took a step forward, pushing the Irken with him.

 

The Invader blinked as the swing's height increased, his rival’s body between his legs serving as a barrier to keep him from falling forward. “Eh - I suppose so,” he shrugged slightly. “But it does not exactly _bother_ Zim,” the alien scoffed.

 

Dib furrowed his brow before he took another step, the swing lifting further against him. “How about now?”

 

“No,” a cruel smirk came over the alien’s lips.

 

The young investigator leered in return. Another step. “Now?”

 

“Nuh uh.” The Irken attempted to contain his wicked grin, fingers seizing the twisted chains.

 

The child’s lips clamped into a tight, playful pout, foot lifting forward -

 

Zim hardly had time to react as his rival cried out in alarm. His face scrunched from the slam to his pelvis, abdomen speared with the scythe hair.

 

The enemies screamed collectively as they were whipped and thrown from the wound up swing, tumbling over each other through the dirt.

 

The Irken groaned as he lifted himself, rubbing at his temple from the impact. The alien straightened up immediately, sending a glare of disbelief in his crumbled nemesis’s direction. “How DARE you push Zim from his plaything of normalcy!!”

 

The child returned the nasty glance as he picked himself up from the ground, correcting his glasses. “That wasn’t my fault!” he snapped. “I tripped on something!” he scoffed, brushing off his trench coat.

 

The alien sneered back as he put his wig back in its proper place, finger whipping in Dib’s face. “YOU LIE!”

 

“ZIM! DIB!”

 

The child’s face dropped from the call, turning his head back towards their coach. He stood there awkwardly before plastering on a fake smile.

 

The alien could not pretend to be that happy. He was not attempting it at all, actually. Zim huffed at both him and the gym teacher, lifting his head in a most snarky manner. “Stupid Dib-pig,” he snapped. “Can’t you control your pathetic - !” The alien grunted as his rival took him by the arm and led him back to the swingset. “ZIM does not wish to experience that again!!” he hissed. “Enough!! Release me!! I DEMAND IT!!”

 

Zim made a face of confusion as his hips were grasped, his body lifted back up onto the swing. He blinked, watching Dib circle around.

 

The human vaguely eyed the dodgeball he had tripped on, mouth contorting in distaste. He leaned to Zim’s right, fingers clutching at the seat. “The walrus is watching,” his hushed message came through.

 

“Hem?” The alien’s eyes searched around them. “You are full of lies, Earth-monkey!! There are no walruspi here!”

 

Dib did not even bother to correct the Irken at that point, eyes narrowing. “I mean our coach, you moron,” he pushed the swing forth.

 

The alien let out a quick hiss as he was launched. The motion pounded fear into him once again, his gloved fingers knitting with the chains. Though, this push was not nearly as violent as the first. He blinked from the next gentle swing forward, glancing down towards the Earth beneath him.

 

The Irken hummed in observation, leaning forward to observe the moving ground, though the motion was getting a little disorienting.

 

He lifted his eyes, straightening himself out. Children laughed on these things. Some cried on them. He was just beginning to grasp both sides.

 

Dib’s eyes fell away from their coach, shoulders slackening now that the attention was off of the two enemies. That was a close one. His dad was seriously starting to bother him about detentions.

 

_No son of mine is a trouble-maker. No son of mine disrupts class and defies the teachers. No son of - wait, I have a son?_

 

The child let out a long sigh through his nostrils, focusing elsewhere. His hands came forward to push the swing once again, mindlessly watching the Irken before him.

 

He seemed to be.. enjoying himself, judging by the fact that he was not trying to escape. It was odd, really. It was seriously rare to see the Invader be enjoying anything. He was always so full of… confusion, and complaints. Hardly enjoying anything around him.

 

Then again, he could only wonder how it could possibly feel being alienated on an enemy planet. Surrounded by dangers. Constantly stopped from his mission. It must have been frustrating.

 

Dib cracked a smirk. But that was fine with him. “Having fun?” he taunted.

 

The Irken’s excited gaze remained for all of two seconds before it turned sour. “Of course not!!” he scoffed, body growing rigid.

 

“Mhm,” he sent the swing forward with a roll of his eyes, but not without playfully tugging at the Irken’s shoulder sleeve. A victorious smile met his lips from the alien’s irritated huff.

 

Preparing to bother the Irken further, the child smirked mischievously as he lifted his hands, going for the hem of the uniform -

 

He froze in his position as his line of sight crossed over black and red beyond the fence across the skool yard.

 

Zephyr blinked back, taking moments to register the eye contact before he cringed slightly, though he felt his legs fail to help him flee. He was spotted. There was no use in running. A fence safely kept them apart regardless. Dib could not touch him. But he most certainly could touch Zim, and that fact was unnerving him far more than it should have.

 

The human watched in return, staring him down suspiciously before he felt a body in his hands, and he automatically pushed the Irken again. Should he tell the alien that they were being stalked? Should he leave it be? Or, perhaps the two, despite their denial, were, in fact, working together.

 

The vampire did not move from position, though he did shift his weight. He looked uncomfortable.

 

Dib shifted his gaze back to the swinging alien.

 

Why would Zim have the vampire spy on them during skool? And in plain sight? Zephyr did not have that stupidity vibe like the rest of these people. Surely he would try and hide, if Zim had put him up to this.

 

“So,” he vaguely eyed their coach again before sneering at the alien. “Have you come up with any giant, evil schemes for me to stop yet, _alien_?” His gaze darted back to Zephyr every once in a while.

 

Zim blinked to himself before leering back towards the human behind him as he came up close. “Of course I have! That is all Zim does! Evil, _evil_ schemes of eeeevil,” he poked Dib’s nose before he was sent away again.

 

The human narrowed an eye, nose twitching slightly as he brushed at it. “Yeah, well,” a determined grin returned to him. “Not for long,” he held his arms out as the swing came back to him. “Because soon enough, you’ll be strapped to a cold table in a secret lab somewhere in Area 51.” He clamped his arms down around the Irken’s front, maniacal grin spread across his lips.

 

The Irken pouted from the sudden stop to the motion he had grown to like. He blinked down to the contact, staring for long moments.  

 

Dib furrowed his brow slightly from the lack of a reaction. He slackened his grasp around the torso, widening an eye. “Uhm - ”

 

The Invader finally ripped himself from both the grasp and swing. He whipped around to mash his forehead against his rival’s, mouth scrunched with unease. “I _thought_ we agreed to never have that kind of bodily contact again in public!!” he hissed, eyes shifting in paranoia.

 

“It wasn’t a hug!!” Dib defended, shooting a scowl in return. “I was just trying to bother you!”

 

“LIES!”

 

“I’M NOT LYING!!”

 

“BOYS!”

 

The alien blinked, parting heads with his nemesis to glance back towards the call. His face twisted into something uncomfortable from the counselor on the doorsteps.

 

The vampire watched as the two made their way back inside the building. They were… lovers? That had frequent spats? Dib had a thing for aliens?

 

It was just getting stranger and stranger.

* * *

 

“Now, boys, I thought we’ve talked about this.”

 

The Irken glanced over the man with his coffee cup, studying the way the counselor’s eyes would twitch every ten seconds. It was quite odd. Was it intentional?

 

“This fighting has to stop. Or, at least, on skool grounds. Your teachers are fed up and want you in a hospital bed,” he spoke with the kindest smile.

 

Zim blinked, glancing to his nemesis on the same chair beside him. He would refer to the child time and time again, especially in dealing with other humans. The Irken has learned to let his nemesis speak for them, as he always had something smarty whipped up in that brain of his.

 

“Sorry, uhm, we’re not _actually_ fighting fighting, we’re, uh -”

 

Except for right now. “In dovey love and we just wish to rip each others’ spleens out in the very normal performance of every human mating ritual!”

 

The human cringed, slamming his palm over the Irken’s mouth, eyeing the counselor nervously. “He meant that we’re friends!! Just friends!! No spleen-ripping at all because that’s _not_ ,” he hissed back towards the alien, “ _normal_.”

 

The man across the desk only stared at them. He blinked from the green child to the pale one, eyes starting to twitch more and more rapidly before it ceased all together, a large smile covering his face. “Friends, eh? I always knew you two had something! And admittance is the first step to acceptance! Good job, boys!”

* * *

 

Upon exiting, the young investigator exhaled. Too many times has his nemesis said something that put them both in quite the difficult position. Too many times has the child saved them from the nut house. Well, saved Zim, anyway.

 

Said Irken marched alongside him, victorious beam upon his lips. “Foolish _Earth_ larva! He was obviously overwhelmed by my _amazing_ \- !”

 

Dib rammed the alien as soon as they were out of earshot, glaring hard. “What is _wrong_ with you?! Mating?! Spleen-ripping?! What about _any_ of that was NORMAL for you to say to our counselor?!”

 

The alien blinked, eyes darting here and there, Pak against the wall. “Err - Gir and I were watching this movie, you see, and it explained how humans would - ”

 

“A movie,” Dib blurted. “Where humans would rip out each others’ organs.”

 

“Well, it was about a human that had many other humans in their basement in cages of sorts and - ”

 

The child twitched before he pushed himself away, mouth contorting uncomfortably. “NO, Zim! Normal humans don’t do that, okay? They just don’t!” He huffed, brushing himself off briefly. “Ya know, most of the movies that your little robot watches are _fiction_ , Zim.”

 

“Oh no, this one said it was based off of a true story,” the alien gleamed.

 

The child deadpanned, continuing to walk. “Right.”

 

The Irken furrowed his brow before prancing after him.

* * *

 

They were walking together again. With the addition of Dib’s sibling, he recalled. The younger, more frightening, female version of Dib, he perceived her as.

 

She was always on that tiny computer. Hardly taking her.. shut eyes off of it. He couldn’t remember her name. Dib didn’t really talk much about her, anyhow.

 

The trio were making their way through Hurt Park, this long path that cut through trees that were just regaining their greenery. The weather was getting warmer. Still a few chilly days here and there, but just enough warm days to ditch a a coat and scarf for the season. Unless you were Zim, who still insisted on the whole set on the remainder of winterish days.

 

He still didn’t understand the whole cat ear thing. But the alien was not wearing said confusing clothes today, so he could keep it out of mind for the time being.

 

The Irken was currently between the two siblings, leaning over to his right to watch his rival’s sister play. “Have you no other game? _Zim's_ were not enough for you?”

 

“I already beat every other game in the entire gaming world existence,” she droned. “And yours were stupid.”

 

“Are not!” Zim scoffed.

 

“Pain Piggy is a cheap knockoff of Blood Bacon Revamped.”

 

“You _lie_!!”

 

“You don’t even know what game I’m talking about.”

 

“LIAR!!”

 

Gaz hummed in irritation, opening an eye to him.

 

The alien seemed to shrink from the look immediately, narrowing an eye.

 

The young child glared for moments before returning to her game, satisfied. For now.

 

“Hey! You beat me up and not him?!” Dib snapped from the alien’s other side.

 

“You’re more annoying,” she commented.

 

“At least I’m not the one screaming at the top of my lungs 24/7!”

 

“Zim does not have lungs!” the alien defended quickly.

 

“Well, you know what I mean!” the child scowled, crossing his arms. “Do you even realize it half the time? Because you yell. ALL the time.”

 

“And you talk,” Gaz hissed back at her brother, “ _all_ the time.”

 

“And you are human!” Zim accused her. His confidence drained from the stares from the both of them. “All of the time?” he added sweetly, lowering his head.

 

“Uh huh,” the investigator squinted at his nemesis, not understanding at all where the alien was going with that. Then again, this was Zim. “Well, it’s just a bit annoying because you seem to favour an alien bent on destroying mankind over your own kin,” he snorted.

 

“Zim doesn’t chew my ear off.”

 

The Irken made a face at her before eyeing his nemesis in disgust.

 

Dib’s face dropped from the look he was given. “It’s a saying!” he snapped.

 

“Oh,” the alien tilted his head in wonder, though his expression did not say he understood it any more than beforehand.

 

“But Zim’s an evil alien trying to destroy our planet and enslave us all!!”

 

“Zim shall not deny that,” the alien interjected, smiling towards the younger sibling.

 

Gaz lifted her gaze to eye the both of them on her left, eyes shifting from her brother to Zim, then lowered them back to the screen, fingers moving again. “Zim’s face doesn’t scare me like yours does.”

 

“Gaz!” Dib whined. “I’m being serious!”

 

“So am I,” she glowered one eye at him. “And if you were really serious about trying to save a race from a stupid alien, then you would have already killed him and not walk him home from skool everyday.”

 

“It’s to keep an eye on him!!”

 

“Mhm.”

 

Dib clenched his teeth and fists. “Listen! _I’m_ the older one here! You can’t tell me how to handle my investigations!!”

 

The vampire stayed hidden, moving through the trees every now and then to find a closer hiding spot, making certain to keep his cloak out of harm’s way. He was surprised that the alien had not caught on to him yet. He usually turned around at the tiniest sound and caught him on the spot. Then again, he had two children going at it on either side of him. Probably blocking out most of the background noise.

 

The alien did not look very comfortable between them.

 

“Investigations?” Gaz lifted a brow. “What else do you have to investigate? He’s an alien sent to destroy us. What more do you need?” she snapped. “Besides knowing what kind of bath soap he uses?”

 

Dib’s mouth twitched, his face changing all kinds of red as his nemesis eyed him in confusion. “That’s - th-that’s strictly for research!!” he burst.

 

His sister sent him an amused smirk, amber eyes opening.

 

The human’s lip sagged in discomfort, his face turning a shade darker as the Irken continued to stare. “STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!” he snapped.

 

The alien jolted from the shriek, immediately putting a hand up to block the child out from his peripheral vision. His lips twisted in further disturbance, fake lavender eyes glancing here and there.

 

Gaz had to repress the laughter that was bubbling up. She refused to look happy in public. Looking happy was a sin. A screw up. There was nothing to be happy about. Absolutely nothing. Not even these two beside her that kept her company and entertained her from time to time. There was just no point in allowing herself to express.. happiness.

 

But her body was doing it again. Making that ugly sound. She felt herself flush ever so slightly, keeping her head down. Hopefully they would not notice.

 

And they did not seem to. Dib had grown quiet, looking pretty identical to a tomato at the moment. And Zim, well, he seemed to be glancing around in bewilderment. But when was he not?

 

Gaz kept to herself, shoulders relaxing from the cover.

 

The Irken hummed before he glared, fake pupils wandering behind him.

 

A void was peeking back out at him from behind a tree. A pale hand clutching at the bark.

 

Zim blinked, lips tugging downward.

 

It took Dib moments to peek back at his rival in the midst of his embarrassment, catching where the alien’s attention was paid to. “Hey!!” he barked.

 

Zephyr’s eyes snapped open, stiffening as the child gave chase. He screamed, ditching his hiding spot to take to the path in the opposite direction.

 

Zim furrowed his brow from the vampire’s predicament, however, he just shrugged and walked on with Dib’s sibling.

 

“Who was that?” Gaz asked uncaringly as sounds of grunts and punches filled the background.

 

“I dunno,” Zim shrugged, marching on for moments before clarity seemed to knock him upside the head. “ _Wait_ a minute!!” He stared at the path before him before sneering. “Zim knows him! He is that horrible stalker vampire who is stalking.. err.. stalks!” he claimed with a finger high in the air.

 

“Oh. Yeah. He was over our house for some reason. I think Dib conjured him or whatever.” Gaz rolled her eyes. “He likes to play with the dead. It’s creepy. I found a zombie in our shower once. It was eating our soap.”

 

“Are you certain it was not Gir?” the alien narrowed an eye.

 

“Not that time.”

 

“Oh. Okay, then.” Zim scratched at his cheek before his eyes lifted to the vampire who had managed to escape and was running rampant with several twigs in his hair. His nemesis was still after him.

 

Gaz continued on without any concern in her features as the vampire and her brother ran around them hysterically. The scene lasted for all of seven seconds before Gaz stuck her foot out.

 

The human went tumbling, grunting as he landed hard. “Ow!! Jeez, Gaz!”

 

“You were being annoying again,” she reasoned.

 

The Irken grinned his zipper grin towards his enemy from the indirect victory, though it dropped from the vampire who had not yet fled. He blinked a few times as the pale creature stood there, crumpled over, gasping for breath.

 

Dib picked himself up, frowning in his sister’s direction before he glared the vampire’s way. “What are you doing here?! Why have you been following me?!”

 

“Hem?” The Invader furrowed his brow, glancing to Zephyr as well. He has been following the Dib as well?

 

The creature of night stared, shifting uncomfortably. “Uhm - ”

 

“ZEFOOLER! YOU DARE FOLLOW ZIM AND NOT DIB BECAUSE I AM MORE IMPORTANT?!”

 

“Hey!” Dib shoved the Irken. “What makes you more important than me?!”

 

“Because I am ZIM! Is _your_ name Zim?! I think not!!” the alien snapped back, sending his nemesis flying with a bump of his hip, Dib shouting in alarm. “TELL ZIM THIS INSTANT, YOU SLIMY WORM!” he spat in the vampire’s face.

 

Gaz deadpanned from the commotion, staying for no less than a millisecond before she was on her way home alone. Again.

 

They boys did not notice this, however. Zephyr was too preoccupied with a screaming alien, while Dib was correcting his trench coat and dusting the dirt from his precious hair.

 

“TELL ME!!”

 

“I was just - ”

 

“TELL ME!!!”

 

“I - ”

 

“TELL - AGH!!” the Irken proceeded to cough and spit the dirt, clawing at his face and eyes.

 

Dib sneered at his rival’s meltdown on the ground before glaring back up towards the vampire. “You can talk now.”

 

“Thanks,” Zephyr frowned slightly to the frantic alien rolling around on the ground and screaming his heart out. If he had one.

 

He tried to block it out, lifting his eyes again to the child with his arms crossed. Straightforward attitude. It was rather intimidating to make eye contact. His gaze dropped again immediately as his fingers started to twirl and fidget. “I just wanted to.. uhm..”

 

“To what?! You’ve been following me for weeks!! It’s creepy, you know?!”

 

“You follow _him_ ,” the vampire accused, opening his big mouth. “ _That’s_ not creepy?”

 

“That’s - ! Nyah! That’s paranormal business!” he glowered harder. “Besides! It’s one thing for a _human_ to be following an _alien_ , but another for a _vampire_ to be following a _human_!! Have you been judging how I’ll taste?! Huh?! HUH?”

 

Zephyr’s mouth shook from being put on the spot. “No, I haven’t been!! I’m just - I’ve just - !”

 

“Just what?! Just _WHAT_?!” Dib snapped, widening an eye in accusation.

 

“I’VE BEEN ALONE!!” the vampire suddenly screeched. Ow. Yelling hurt. The creature drooped from the stare. Zim seemed to have stopped his screaming as well from the outburst.

 

Dib’s arms uncrossed. He blinked, hand lifting behind his head to scratch awkwardly. Wow. What do you say to that?

 

“I’ve been wandering around for who knows how long now! I don’t know what year it is! I don’t know how long it’s been! I can’t remember when I was born! I haven’t spoken to another person since - I don’t even know!! I’ve had to survive off of rats in the gutter!!”

 

Zim reeled slightly in disgust, apparently having stood throughout the ordeal. “You eat hairy, diseased rat beasts?!”

 

“No, just their blood,” he frowned from the even more violent shiver that the alien displayed.

 

Dib’s eyes wandered about, the awkward air unsettling between them. “Uhm.. I’m sorry?” he tried.

 

“I’m not,” the Irken sneered. “You are absolutely _vile_.”

 

Dib elbowed the alien, causing him to yelp.

 

Zephyr frowned from the comment, shoulders dropping. “I know. It’s really gross. But I have to or else humans start looking like a roast.”

 

The Irken cringed again, but mostly out of confusion. Dib, on the other hand, stared at him in suspicion. “Wait. Why _not_ drink human blood? I mean, I would stop you, but why think of it like that? You’re a _vampire_ . You’re _evil_.”

 

The creature blinked from the logic, or.. lack of it. He opened his mouth.

 

“Zim is evil!” the Irken cut him off, lifting a hand and waving it excitedly before placing it to his chest proudly. “Because _I_ am an alien.”

 

Dib scowled his way temporarily. “Why can’t you say stuff like that in front of _people_?”

 

The alien blinked, clearly not understanding.

 

Dib huffed in irritation, shaking his head. “Forget it.”

 

“Why does being an alien make you evil?” the vampire pointed out.

 

“Uhm. He’s trying to destroy us? Duh.” The human’s nose scrunched.

 

“Yes,” the Irken smiled almost pleasantly, eyes shut.

 

Zephyr narrowed his gaze slightly. “Are you just saying that because _he’s_ been saying that?” he pointed to the human.

 

“Ehn?” The Irken sagged, eyeing him again. “Err - no?”

 

“Why is this being debated?!” Dib snapped. “What’s your point?!”

 

“I was wondering why you called _me_ evil,” the vampire’s eyes did not come into contact with the child’s. “It’s not like I _asked_ to drink blood. It’s disgusting. It’s full of diseases. Corpses attract flies. Everything about it is just unappetizing.”

 

Dib blinked wide as he was preached to about a vampire’s everyday struggles.

 

“And the cats! They complain about this and that, who gets this rat, who gets that rat! And they always send _me_ to get the food! Just because I look sort of human doesn’t mean I’m any better at blending in! Have you SEEN my eyes?! _Have you?!_ ”

 

Dib narrowed an eye, lifting his hands in defense. “I get it, I get it!” he attempted to calm the vampire’s nerves, however, he was a little lost as to what exactly to do in this situation. Evil aliens he could handle. Depressed vampires? A different story. “Uhm - not to be morbid or anything, but why not just.. move on?” He cringed from the look he was given.

 

“You think I haven’t tried?!” Zephyr’s expression turned sour as he faced away from them. “I’ve stabbed myself with a stick - a not very sharp stick, mind you - over two hundred times in a row and all that comes out is this disgusting, black _sludge_!!”

 

Zim slowly shrank behind his rival for cover, peeking out in paranoia. “AWAY, foul sludge monster!!” he commanded, pointing.

 

Dib grabbed at the gloved hand, pushing it down. “Look, Zephyr, uhm..”

 

The vampire fidgeted again, not daring to face them. He just spilled his undead heart out to these two who couldn’t care less about him. What a wonderful life.

 

The human honestly had nothing to say to any of it. He never has to deal with this.. emotional stuff. It was just a tad difficult trying to help someone else, who he barely knew, through a depression such as this, when he could not even help himself. “Just - uhm -”

 

“Accompany Zim home!” the Irken grinned.

 

“Yes! Accompany Zim - WHAT?” Dib scowled. “NO!! He’s _not_ going home with you!!”

 

“Of course he is!” The Irken beamed vibrantly, hands on his hips. “He wishes to die? ZIM has the proper tools! If nothing else works, I could simply launch him into space! He will _certainly_ die then!”

 

“I don’t really want to be launched into - ”

 

“Zim, NO!” Dib snapped, cutting the pale creature off. “Don’t listen to him!” he barked in Zephyr’s direction. “He’s evil and insane!!”

 

“Nonsense!” the alien perked up further from his rival’s behaviour, a maniac grin beginning to form upon his lips. “ _Come_ , filthy pig beaver! We shall ASCEND!” He snatched the creature by the front of his shirt, tugging him along. “And by we, I mean just you. Because Zim shall kill you.” He eyed the vampire as he led him. “I shall liquefy your insides with a shovel,” the Irken added further.

 

“Oh no, you don’t!” the human ran ahead to block them, holding his arms out. “He’s _not_ going with you, alien scum!!”

 

The vampire blinked, still a bit scarred from what the Irken said to him to process much of anything at the moment.

 

“ _Zim_ wishes for no hug!” the Invader hissed.

 

“I’m not - ” Dib glanced down towards his arms before scowling again. “I’m not trying to give you a hug!! This is me stopping you, you idiot!”

 

The Irken hummed as he judged the child before them, eyes tracing over him. He suddenly pointed far off. “LOOK! A BIGFEETS! CLIMBING THAT TREE!”

 

Dib averted his eyes momentarily. “Zim, that’s a squirrel.”

 

“Not _that_! THAT!”

 

Dib turned his head farther back to see a giant, deformed, furry human climbing up a tree.

 

Once spotted, the creature’s eyes widened. “No! It’s just a costume, I swear! My college buddies and I had a bet where - !”

 

“I KNEW IT!” Dib shrieked, prying his camera from his bag, removing the cap as he ran to take photos.

 

Zephyr furrowed his brow. How did he miss that? He yelled in alarm as his wrist was taken instead, led into a run.

 

The Invader cackled hysterically as soon as he passed his easily distracted rival, an evil grin upon his lips. “HA! We are in the clearing, as they say!! Whoever ‘they’ are! Now let us tend to destroying your meat sac once and for all so you may be out of Zim’s lekku for GOOD!”

 

The vampire couldn’t help but stumble from the powerful lead, grunting as he tried to keep himself upright, practically dragging on the ground. Wait, he WAS dragging on the ground!

 

But the alien did not seem to notice! He was too busy laughing. He was going to get them _both_ killed!!

 

“ZIM!!” came a roar of death behind them.

 

Zephyr simply squealed in horror, the Irken’s laughter and legs only fueled from the situation. How could anyone _enjoy_ this?!

 

“GET BACK HERE!! COME ON, THAT WASN’T FAIR!”

 

“That’s TOO BAD! ZIM does not play _fair_!!”

 

“Please?!”

 

“No!”

 

“ _Pretty_ please?!”

 

“ _NO!_ ”

 

"Pretty please with a cherry on top?!"

 

“NEVER!”

 

“ _FINE!!_ ”

 

The vampire screamed as they headed straight for a busy street. He shut his eyes, clenching his teeth to prepare for the pain.

 

Though, he felt his body leap. Air. He righted himself as he still could.

 

They were running. Atop of moving cars. The Irken was still in hysterics, tears streaming from his eyes as they moved at a pace that was absolutely foreign to the vampire.

 

There was beeping. Some cars stopping short. Regardless, Zim found them ground and pulled them both to safety. They landed on the other side of the sidewalk, a little too hard for the vampire’s legs to handle. He ended in stumbling over himself again, hissing out.

 

Zim did not let that stop him, however, simply pulling the vampire along in his inhuman pace. “Stand, foolish blood creature!! Use those purple legs of yours!!”

 

“My legs aren’t actually purple, you know - !”

 

“STOP! ZIM, STOP!! COME BACK HERE!! LISTEN TO ME!! _JUST LISTEN TO ME!!!_ ” Dib screamed his frustrations, landing on the sidewalk after them, though it was too late. His reappearance had the Irken fleeing and guffawing out of sight.

 

Dib panted for minutes, doubled over with his hands on his knees. He wiped the sweat from his brow before correcting his posture, sighing slowly.

* * *

 

“Welcome home, son!”

 

“MASTAH!”

 

“NYEH!”

 

The Irken cringed as he was bombarded by his robots, releasing the vampire throughout the ordeal. He grunted as he was rammed by the green dog into the door, the tiny moose jumping around on top of his head with excited squeaks.

 

Zephyr dove for safety, knocking into the television screen. He froze as the alien was picked up by the taller robots, the one with a blue wig and.. cleaning gloves? It was trying to be female was all he could conclude.

 

“How is my little fuzzy, wuzzy Zimmy-kins?!” she cooed, squeezing the life out of the poor alien.

 

“Son, that grass needs mowing outside!! Your mother ate the lawn mower again!”

 

“But it was just SO tasty! Om nom nom nom!”

 

“We were supposed to _share_ the lawn mower, honey bunch!”

 

“We were supposed to share a lot of things!! Why don’t _I_ get a closet to live in?! Huh?!”

 

The Irken grunted as he was dropped back down to the floor, the parental units retreating into the kitchen in their screaming match. The alien narrowed his eyes as he stood, cracking his spine back into space. “Gyck!” he gripped at his SIR Unit’s head as his torso was squeezed, the purple moose nuzzling up under his wig.

 

“Gir! Minimoose! ENOUGH!” he snapped. “Go play quietly while your Master tends to killing that hideous beast who nearly broke our television in a panic!”

 

“NO, NOT THE T.V.!!” Gir screeched, releasing the Irken to run face first into said television, effectively jarring it from the wall.

 

Zephyr grunted from the sudden weight and shards, his eye twitching. “Help!” he squeaked from under it.

 

Minimoose left their master, taking the wig with him as he cried in alarm from their treasured entertainment center.

 

“ _Now_ look what you’ve done!!” Zim hissed, stomping over to grip at the television. The Irken lifted it just enough to spot the cracks in the screen. “You broke it, Gir!! _Bad_ robot!!” he scolded.

 

Zephyr’s mouth quivered, slowly crawling out while he still could, because the alien had dropped it right back on top of his minion mercilessly.

 

“WE MEET AGAIN, FLOOR!” the robot squealed from under the television.

 

“Nyah..” Minimoose sat atop the fallen technology in mourning.

 

“Computer!” Zim ripped the vampire up from the floor, heading towards the kitchen. “Clean up this mess! And raise the defenses! Make the gnomes extra - err - gnomy!”

 

“Extra gnomy?” the computer beeped. “Like, a taller hat?”

 

The alien scowled, antennae flattening against his skull. “NO! Extra security, you sickly hardware!! And quickly!! The Dib will be here any moment!!”

 

The vampire allowed himself to be led through the tall archway, looking about the odd kitchen. He still did not quite understand why there was a toilet. Or why Zim was leading them straight to it instead of the trashcan. “Uhm - what exactly -?”

 

The alien picked him up by the waist, placing him inside the green bowl.

 

Zephyr stared down at the Irken, lifting a brow. “I’m pretty sure this is not how it’s done.”

 

Zim narrowed an eye before he snatched the cord, tugging hard.

 

“I mean, I think, I can’t really remember how to use the - AHHH!!” Zephyr panicked as the toilet began sucking him down, clawing at the toilet bowl. “IT’S EATING ME, _IT’S EATING ME!!_ ”

 

The alien made a face of irritation as the vampire defied the descent into his base, leaning over to glare down at his head that poked through the hole, fingers grasping at the seat desperately. “Go down!!” he barked. “Do not make Zim have to get the plunger of DOOM! I’ll do it!!” the alien pried at the creature’s fingers, struggling in doing so as the vampire outright refused to comply. He smashed the the vampire’s face down with his boot, grunting each time.

 

Zephyr’s face twisted into different expressions each time it was battered, cheeks puffing more and more as he was shoved down, his vision filled with that weird triangle and circle symbol at the bottom of Zim’s boot.

 

The Irken finally ripped the pale fingers from the seat, giving the vampire’s face a final stomp before he flushed again. He panted as the creature screamed all the way down the pipe, doubled over in overexertion. “Vile monster,” he scoffed to himself, taking a moment before he jumped into the bowl.

* * *

 

The vampire screamed until he met the floor of the elevator, grunting hard. He blinked in shock from the experience, eyes frozen as he stayed on his back in the bright space. His eyes widened as he picked up on a shift overhead, but it was too late.

 

He cried out from the slam to his stomach, unneeded breath knocked out of him.

 

The Irken quite liked having a cushion. However, it was not as much fun as it was having Dib there to be victimized. He simply stepped off of the creature, arms behind his back formally. “Pathetic,” he scoffed, lifting his head.

 

The vampire frowned, rubbing at his abdomen as he sat up. “You shoved me down a toilet!!”

 

“And?” the alien sneered back as the creature picked himself up. “Computer! To the Incredibly Evil Torture Chamber of TORTURE!” he lifted a fist.

 

Zephyr made a face from both the name and the movement of the elevator. “It wasn’t pleasant!!” he reasoned further.

 

“HA! Consider otherwise, candy blood _beast_ ,” he spat before removing his contacts. “It will certainly be the most pleasant experience you will have ever experienced within my base of DOOM,” the alien smiled that chilling smile as he eyed the creature beside him. Well, _maybe_ eyed him. Zephyr couldn’t really tell with those weird bug eyes of his.

 

Zephyr stood there awkwardly, looking about. “Why do you attach that word to everything?”

 

The Irken blinked back, a feeler perking. He narrowed an eye, blinking slowly.

 

“Nevermind,” the vampire slumped. “So, uhm, how exactly are you going to.. uhm.. kill me?” How did life come to this? How did he end up descending into an alien’s lab, on his way to self-destruction?

 

“BE PATIENT!!” the Irken burst, causing Zephyr to fly back into the wall. “Zim shall figure it out! Cradle your horse!!”

 

The creature of night blinked, sliding down to the floor. His hair dropped over as he was left to ponder what exactly he has gotten himself into.

 

It was going to be a long night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been more than one Earth year, a mere tenth of the late Irk’s. This planet is poison. The Dib is poison. Everything is poison.
> 
> Invader ZIM signing off.


	6. Til Death Do We Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life is unfortunate.

  
**dEfEcTiVe?**

* * *

“NGH! NRGH! GYCK!”

The Irken gritted his zipper teeth in frustration. Stabbing his spiderleg straight through the vampire’s torso. Over. And over. And over.

“WHY - ” Stab.

“WON’T - ” Stab!

“YOU - ” Stab!

“DIE?!” STAB!!

The alien keeled over in exhaustion. Black dripped from his extension back onto the vampire’s body.

Zephyr uncovered his eyes, lifting his head slightly to glimpse the gaping hole in his chest. Black slime everywhere. The vampire looked about ready to faint, head falling back down against the metal.

Zim panted, abdomen rising and falling as he studied the creature before him. His entire chest was mutilated. This disgusting sludge painting the table and dripping onto the floor of his lab. He took a moment to catch his breath, head dropping in apparent defeat.

The vampire laid there with some twisted guilt deep within his gut. He watched the Irken’s eyes shift here and there, gears visibly turning within the confines of his skull. “Zim,” he began.

The Invader shot a most nasty sneer in return. “Why does your body defy Zim?!” he snapped. “Give in to your meaningless fate!! I demand it!!”

“I can’t!!” Zephyr barked back. “It’s not that simple, you know!!”

“NONSENSE!! I have stabbed thousands of subjects, and they all end up the same way!! Deceased! Dead! Prone to rotting!”

The vampire blinked away his look of disturbance. “Well, I’m sorry that I’m cursed to suffer for the rest of eternity!!”

The alien growled softly, puffing his cheeks. “Zim does not care for your predicament!! You will DIE. No questions asked!!”

The vampire’s face twisted. “I am ALREADY DEAD. Don’t you get it?! You can’t DIE if you’re DEAD.”

The Irken blinked once, twice. He hummed in confusion, head tilting.

The creature of night drooped from the reaction. Though, he really shouldn’t have expected anything more from the alien. “Look, forget it. I’d almost rather go back to moping than having my body scattered across space. No offense.” He moved further down the table to push himself off, boots meeting ground.

The alien narrowed an eye suspiciously. “Mope and return to following Zim, you mean?” he scoffed. “Certainly my amazingness is overwhelming to you lower beings of dirt and mucous, but Zim does not appreciate being spied upon!” he grabbed the vampire by the arm, pointing onward. “So, to SPACE with your filthy sludge innards!!”

Zephyr ripped away immediately, taking several steps back to move around the lab table, putting space between them. “No! I don’t want to be launched into space!!”

“That’s too bad!” Zim mocked, shoving the lab table out of his way. “Come to Zim and quit spreading your filthy, black sludge all over my lab floor!!” he hissed, jerking forward.

The vampire’s cloak whipped upward as a shield, creating a barrier between them. “Stop it!! You’re freaking me out!!”

The Irken huffed and puffed on the other end of the void, growling aloud. “COMPUTER! Take this slime-beast of pointy hair and send him into SPACE!!”

There was an unholy screech as the vampire made a run for it. One much like a turkey, actually. A goat, perhaps?

The Irken cackled hysterically as the creature fled from his base’s defenses, mechanical arms chasing after.

Zephyr darted for the elevator, cloak whipping in a fierce wind as he dove for the shutting doors.

And then darkness.

The Irken froze as he glanced about his base, the clatter of metal echoing. No humming of computers. Not even a peep from the birds that have made a home for themselves in his ventilation system. Everything was silent.. and dark.

Zephyr blinked in his terror, face smushed against the nearly shut doors. He picked himself up into a crouch, rubbing at his abused nose. “What just happened?” he whispered.

“YOU DARE ASK ZIM A QUESTION?!” The alien studied the room around them, antennae perked. Vision enhanced.

“Do you know what’s going - ?”

“HUSH, SLIMEBALL!” he boomed, the echo off the walls fading, reducing the room to a silent, black space.

But his lekku were high and alert. There was movement above them. A rustling. A rumbling of metal. Banging.

“GIR! GIR, EMERGENCY PROTOCOL!” he called.

Zephyr jumped in fright from the boom on the other side of the doors. A glowing between the crack. Oh, no! Not his robot!!

The vampire grimaced, backing up as the doors were wrenched open.

“ZIM!”

“DIB?!” the Irken hissed, looking over the robotic threat that housed his nemesis. “What is that?! What did you do to my base?!”

“Oh, this?” The human showed it off with the classic heroic pose. “Just something I whipped up in my dad’s lab! It’s cool, right?”

“I suppose,” the Irken tilted his head to study the glowing eyes of the suit. It was very impressive, actually, for a human. Equipped with rockets of sorts, and armoured to the teeth.

“As for your base, well, you know. It’s easy to shut it down once you’ve hacked into the system.”

Zephyr blinked wide, keeping out of their way. He really did not want to come between them with all of that power on both ends. Maybe he could escape into the sparking elevator.

“You hacked my computer?!”

“Um, duh! It’s been months!”

“When did you hack it?! HEM?!”

“I just said I - “

“WHEN?!”

Dib glared through the suit, blinking.

The Irken grunted as the robotic hand clamped around his middle, hauling him in the air before whipping him well across the room.

Zephyr flinched from the crash into a screen, clatters following. That sounded like it hurt.

“Anyway! I’ll be going now. See you later, alien!” The robotic suit trudged back towards the elevator, but not before taking Zephyr by the wrist.

“Wait! Where are we going?!” the vampire demanded. “You probably just gave him a concussion, and now you’re kidnapping me?!”

“He’s a cockroach,” Dib forced the elevator doors back shut, the dents horrific. “And more or less, uhm, yeah. But for good reason!” The child lifted them through the emergency exit before he started to climb in the dark space, only lit with the glow of his suit.

“What reason could that be?” Zephyr scoffed. “I thought you didn’t like me!”

“Well, I really don’t. But if it gets on Zim’s nerves, then I’ll do it!” Dib laughed evilly before freezing as the base around them started back up.

“Defenses back online, I guess.” the computer informed. Within a few moments, it sighed, “Intruder Alert.”

“NO!” Dib snapped, climbing faster in the tight space. “Come on, that’s not fair!!”

“Look, Mary, or whatever your name is, I don’t make the protocols around here. I just execute.”

“My name is DIB! How long have you known me?!”

“Are you seriously fighting with a computer?!” Zephyr snapped.

“It’s not that uncommon, you know!” The child scoffed, pointing a robotic hand up, a grapple shooting out from its palm.

Zephyr screamed as they shot up through the tight space, right up into the house! Tiles flew and turned to rubble.

The robot at the table lowered his filled-with-floor cup, staring at the two.

Dib blinked once at the unresponsive SIR Unit before he picked himself up, hurrying out of the room with the vampire dragging behind.

Gir’s head turned in their direction, eyes following.

Zephyr cringed from the thing’s behaviour, not daring to look away lest it get up and appear behind him!! Can’t blink. No blinking. Nope.

The robot’s eyes glowed red in the distance, the creature shifting in its seat to better watch them through the doorway.

The vampire squealed from the act, turning around to attempt to grab at the doorknob before Dib could.

“Aww, where ya’ goin’, boys?” the father robot leaned down, blocking the door.

“Aren’t you going to stay for dinner?” the female one chimed in, eye rolling in its socket. “Our son just loves to have boys for dinner!”

The vampire kept behind Dib’s robotic shell, flinching from the verbal attack of the tall creatures. But, gyah! He forgot to keep an eye on the one back in the kitchen!

He turned his head back, jerking from the robot’s form now standing in the kitchen doorway.

“Uhm, no thanks, Mr and Mrs.. uh.. Zim,” Dib scratched at the back of his metallic head. “Gotta go! Bye!” He shoved them out of the way, springing the door open.

Zephyr shrieked from the bombardment of gnomes, covering his head.

Minimoose bodyslammed the two over and over, squeaking hysterically as it flew about their heads.

“Ow! Ow!! Cut it out!!” Dib snapped, yelling in alarm as the lawn ornaments shoved them through the yard towards the fence.

The flying moose gave them a few more good whacks before it retreated, the gnomes dispersing as well.

Zephyr blinked as they were dropped off by the mailbox, eyes scanning for further danger.

“Wow, that was easier than I thought!” Dib beamed, racing to exit the cul-de-sac. “Let’s go!”

“To where?!” the vampire tried to collect his footing.

“My house! Duh! We’re going to exorcise you!”

Zephyr’s eyes shot open, bottom lip drooping. That’s the last time he’ll ever rant about his problems.

* * *

“You let them ESCAPE?!” The Irken hissed, though cringed from the volume and held his injured head. “You were supposed to capture them!!” He grunted as the wires pushed him back into the seat before continuing to nurse the wound.

“Ooh, I cannot believe the level of incompetence that surrounds me!!” the alien brooded as the mechanical arms worked. “Because of you, that filthy WORM got away with - err - another filthy worm!!”

“That’s unfortunate.”

“It is!” Zim scowled, magenta gaze shifting in deep thought. “I was so close to ridding myself of that pointy-hair sludge monster that I could taste it!!”

“That’s kinda gross -”

“But the evil DIB-beast and his little, grimy paws of Dibness just HAD to interfere!! ALWAYS interfering, that vile -” He battled the air with hisses pushing through his zipper teeth. “I hate him!! Hate, hate, HATE! So much hate!! DO you have any idea how much hatred flows through my veins for him?! DO YOU?!” he screeched before suddenly retracting from his outburst, settling back down. “I need to retrieve that filthy blood-weasel from him! He shall not get the best of INVADER ZIM!!” his voice climbed once again. “NO ONE SHALL!! NO ONNNE!!”

The computer’s fabricated face on the many screens rolled its eyes. “I wonder how much gags sell for on the market.”

“Hem?!" the Irken’s antennae perked momentarily.

“Nothing. Listen, why don’t you just let the human deal with the problem? He seems much better off than you. I mean, doesn’t he rant about hunting demons or whatever?”

“NO! NO, NO, NO!!” the Irken snapped, bouncing in his seat, antennae stiff with irritation. “You do not understand!! The Dib-dolt is trying to stop me from destroying that pig-brain parado - parachu - paramou-!”

“Paranormal?”

“ZIMKNOWSWHATTHEWORDIS!” Zim burst. “PARA,” he spat, “nocturnal pest!!”

“You still said it wron -”

“SILENCE!” Zim’s tongue wiggled between his teeth. “He is attempting to save that foolish creature from me, and I shall not ALLOW IT!”

“Actually, he said he would help him pass o-”

“HELP?!” the Irken interrupted once again. “HELP THE DIB?! HELP?!?”

“That’s not what I said!!”

“The horror!! THE MADNESS!! A death-immune, decayed flesh-bag on the Dib’s forces?! Opposing ME? ZIM?! ME?!? BECAUSE I AM ZIM?! DESPICABLLLL-!”

The computer let out a long sigh of relief. His Master would be out for hopefully a few hours. Best not to get his hopes up, though. The Irken’s PAK caught on to its inactive host eventually.

The technology lowered its arms, the screens going black.

* * *

“Uhm, I don’t feel very comfortable with this.”

“Relax! It’s only death! What could go wrong?”

“Everything,” Zephyr moped. “And who is that?” he pointed to the hovering screen.

“Not important,” the shadowed figure responded. “I’m just here to help out.”

The vampire furrowed his brow, scratching at his head. “By floating around?”

The disguised voice burst out in laughter.

Zephyr went still, blinking in his awkwardness. He glanced about instead, trying to pay more attention to what the alien’s nemesis was scheming up, though the human’s back was facing him.

This environment around them was highly unsettling. There were tools and experiments laying absolutely everywhere - machines, and schematics, and he could have sworn he saw a hamster at some point. The large room - Dib’s basement - very much reminded him of a dentist’s office, judging by the harsh light above him, the crisp, sterile scent that lurked about the room, the frightening dentist chair with padding and straps that he found himself in. Did dentist chairs have straps?

Zephyr hissed out from the sudden splash of something, turning his head away sharply.

“What?! Is it burning?? Something paranormal at work?!” Dib studied carefully.

“You got it in my eye!!” the vampire complained.

“Well, I didn’t mean it!”

“Try something else,” the mysterious figure advised. “Maybe vampires aren’t affected by holy water? Try some silver.”

Zephyr blinked away the cloudy liquid from his right eye, feeling it drizzle down his cheek. “Silver?” he echoed. “Like jewelry?”

The human tossed the bottle, going back to the tray.

The creature of night cringed from the sudden whip his way, mouth curling in discomfort as the human shoved an object far too close to his face for him to see it properly.

“You look irritated! Is it doing something?!”

Zephyr blinked before he glared, looking past the spoon to the child in trenchcoat. “Doing something out of the ordinary? Not really. But it’s kind of annoying that you’re invading my space.”

“Hmn.” The figure narrowed his eyes. “Try making direct contact with his skin.”

“Who exactly are you, again?” the vampire shot an uneasy glance the screen’s way.

The question went unanswered, something that unsettled the creature further. He blinked repeatedly as the human before him took to smacking his forehead with the spoon.

After a few more hits, Dib’s mouth twisted. He whipped back around to face the figure on the screen. “I thought you said you knew how to deal with vampires!! Nothing is working!!”

“Hey, chill out. Every vampire is different.” The silhouette seemed to shift in their seat, legs propped up. “It’s best to get all the easy stuff out of the way first, anyway.”

“Easy stuff?” Zephyr echoed.

“Yeah,” Dib refocused, spoon still in hand. “Physical things. The basics in folklore. But we have more advanced methods if the subject is unresponsive.”

“You sound like your dad,” the figure scoffed.

Dib scowled slightly from the comment, aiming it back at his partner. “Like I was saying, we could always attempt magick.”

Zephyr felt his rotted veins run cold. “Magick? Like.. ritual? Sacrificing virgins?”

“What?!” Dib blinked, looking about uncomfortably. “No! I mean, I think. Uhm..” He rubbed at the back of his head. “Anyway, I have some spell books upstairs. I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.”

The vampire watched as the child disappeared up the staircase, decayed nerves standing on end. This was definitely not what he had in mind!! Magick? Spell books? A dentist chair?!

“Hey. What was your name, again?”

The creature of night lifted his focus back up to the floating screen that continued to lurk in the corner ominously. “Uhm.. Zephyr.” He blinked before his brow furrowed in question. “What about -?”

“Drayne,” the screen inched away from the corner. “Paranormal investigator.”

The vampire looked a bit discouraged from the title, glancing away slightly. He wished he had something more to say about who he was. Not much to tell, though. His whole life was some unimportant mess of insecurity. No job, no dreams, no titles. He was just there.

Unfortunately.

“Where did you come from?” Drayne asked, disguised eyes blinking. “Were you born like that?”

“Uhm.. outside of London, I think. And no,” the vampire drooped. “It certainly feels like it, though. I mean, it’s been a while. I can’t really remember.”

“Well, do you remember what year?”

Zephyr’s mouth shifted in discomfort. “Mn.. 1700.. Something?”

“Wow,” Drayne turned his head away temporarily. “You survived looking like a kid this whole time?”

The vampire felt his gut drop. “Uhm.. what year is it, exa-?”

“Okay! Sorry! Gaz needed help with this really weird glowing rat under her bed and -” Dib stood at the bottom of the steps, books in hand as he stared at the two, whom stared right back.

“Uhm.. nevermind. So! Let’s cast some spells!!”

Zephyr cringed as the child dropped the ancient books to the floor and opened the top, a ghostly moan dragging through the room as a dust cloud pulled itself up from the pages.

The vampire blinked as the thing with a face of agony dissipated. “Uhm.. Are you sure those are safe?” he pointed out.

Dib ran his finger over the text. “Nope, not at all!” he grinned.

“Well, at least he’s honest,” Drayne’s screen came forth to lurk over Dib’s shoulder. “Have you read through these before?”

“Not really.” The child shrugged. “I got them from a thrift store a while back ‘cause they looked cool.”

“Oh. Well, is there an index or something?”

As the two searched through the book, Zephyr felt his insides clench more and more. He had a really bad feeling from those books. He used to experiment with all of that stuff as a child. Spells, candles, writing symbols in pig blood. He got into so much trouble trying to practice those things. His mother had tried to bless him by dunking his head in holy water over and over. Nearly drowning him. Those memories were perfectly vivid, even to this day.

Magick was bad, he had been taught. Rituals, calling upon the dead, praying to an entity other than what his mother’s religion believed in. It was a sin. What he did was sinful. He was a mere child, after all, curious in the arts of witchcraft. He had thought that things like that died a long time ago. It certainly seemed like it, with all of this technology today. Work. Money. Advancement. Less religion, more logic. Magick seemed to have been buried beneath it all.

Though, rediscovering it in the hands of an eleven year old child who fought an alien threat was not any more comforting. If anything, it was a life terror. He could actually die if they were to succeed. And what exactly would be there for him when he passed on? Blackness? Pain? Heavenly gates? A pit of fire? Trapped in a box for all eternity? Clawing at the wood desperately for the rest of his.. err.. death?

He’s moped about being amongst the living for as long as he can remember, but the thought of what could be there post.. death had hardly crossed his mind. And now that such a thing was possibly achievable, it scared the living hell out of him.

“This looks promising,” Dib pointed to the page. “Ripping a soul out from the body. Theoretically cures possession from demonic entities and the like.”

“Huh. What does it need?” Drayne studied closer.

“Uhm..” The human paused to glance over the list. “Ten red candles.. Three white.. We need to write something in.. red-dyed pickle juice?” He made a face, glancing up to his partner, who shrugged in return.

“Well, I guess there’s no harm in trying.”

“I guess not.” Dib stood from the mess of books. “We might have pickles in the fridge. If not, I’ll just have to run to the store. As for candles, I think I saw some in a drawer in the kitchen. We hardly used them, anyway. Dad bought them for my birthday cake and forgot about it, so, they should still be there.”

“Oh. That sucks.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Dib rolled his eyes. “Can you watch him until I get back?”

“Well, it’s not like I can do anything if he escapes, but sure,” Drayne teased. “I’m just a floating head at this point.”

“Uh huh.” The child blinked, unamused before he waved to the vampire. “Stay comfortable, I’ll be back!”

Zephyr furrowed his brow. “This isn’t really comfortable -”

“Bye!”

The vampire blinked as the human disappeared once again. Wow, that child didn’t like sitting still.

* * *

Explosions. Blood. Flying demon goats. Popcorn.

A perfect movie night. Gaz shoved more of the buttery treat into her mouth, munching. Her brother had gone out. Hopefully got kidnapped. That would be a relief. No more sharing the pizza.

He didn’t necessarily say where exactly he was going. Not that it mattered. Probably just went to Zim’s house again. He practically lived there with him at this point. Dib never seemed to be home anymore. Maybe just to sleep, or to walk her home from school, and to have his discussions or whatever with his paranormal club, but that was it. But sometimes he wouldn’t even come home to sleep. Gaz had once caught him returning around four in the morning, sneaking as quietly as possible - he had been covered in bruises and bite marks.

Sometimes she honestly thought that her brother was a masochist. And a sadist. Maybe sort of both. It was kind of creepy.

Gaz’s eyes shifted from the sound of the door.

Dib emerged from the outdoors, shutting the front door with his boot.

“What’s that?” Gaz opened an eye to him to glance over the paper bag in his arms.

“None of your business,” Dib shot an insecure scowl her way as he circled behind the couch towards the entrance to their father’s lab.

“Is it drugs?”

“What?! No!”

“Are you drinking?”

“No!! Seriously, where are you getting these ideas from?! Jeez, Gaz! Can’t I just go about my life without you two criticizing me already?!” he snapped. “Don’t talk to me!!”

Gaz blinked from the slam of the basement door.

“Whatever.”

* * *

“Okay, got everything?”

“Yeah.” The child practically dropped the paper bag onto the desk space. “Let’s just get this over with.”

Zephyr cringed from the abrupt sound of glass on wood.

“Whoa, Godzilla, what’s with the brawn?” Drayne’s shrouded screen remained by the vampire. “They didn’t have your favourite brand or something?”

“No! It’s my sister, she’s just - gyah, just, nevermind. My family’s not very supportive of what I do is all, okay? They just don’t care.”

“Yeah, my brother was never really into it either.” Drayne’s silhouette shrugged. “Oh, well. What can you do?”

“Right.”

The vampire observed as the child pulled out the supplies, laying it out on the desk top. Hmn. So, he wasn’t the only one with family issues. That was a comfort, at least. Well, he thought it was. Sort of. Maybe.

It’s not like the issues were present, or anything.

“Do you think that it matters what brand of paint I use?”

“Why would the brand matter?” Drayne tilted his head.

“That’s what I figured. Forget it.”

Zephyr watched their backs - or rather, Dib’s back, and the back of the floating screen, as they bombarded the desk. Dib busied himself with opening the pickles and paint as the screen gently hovered and hummed, a small, blue light flashing on its back.

His undead nerves were creeping on edge again. He had no idea the amount of stress one body could harness until this very moment. And it was, well - stressful!

The vampire winced as the alien’s nemesis turned to him with a jar of red. He swallowed with an audible gulp from the approaching, pulsating body. The human stopped before him, supporting the jar between his palms.

Zephyr blinked at the sloshing monstrosity. “Please don’t tell me I have to drink that.”

Laughter radiated from the screen.

“No,” Dib made a face. “I mean, I don’t think so, uhm..” He looked down into the jar before he shrugged.

The creature of night watched as the human’s hand dipped down into the odd formula.

He winced from the splash before the red-coated fingers met his forehead. He hissed inwardly from the initial contact, head automatically reeling.

Drayne hovered nearby as the child copied the symbols over Zephyr’s forehead. “You know, I’ve never heard of a spell using dyed pickle juice before.”

“Shh!” Dib cut him off. “I’m concentrating.”

The figure on the screen shifted in his chair, sitting back again.

Zephyr kept still in his silence, fearing a mere twitch would cause the child to mess up and unleash his apparent short temper upon him. He blinked slowly, keeping his eyes down on the neutral expression on Dib’s torso for the most part. Sometimes he would peek a glance at the level of the human’s focus, but he would chicken out immediately to make prolonged eye contact.

In all honesty, the child frightened him. Mental hospitals, his room, his hobbies, his everything. He hardly knew him, and yet, he felt that he already learned too much.

“Okay. Should be good. What do you think?”

The vampire blinked as the screen approached to take a good look.

“Is that third one supposed to look like a bull worm?”

“That looks nothing like a bull worm!”

“It sort of does.”

Zephyr watched the petty argument back and forth, awkwardly sitting before them. This is not exactly what he pictured being in his last moments.

“Look, I was just copying from the book! I’m not the one who made them up!” He huffed it off, going back to the desk to grab a paintbrush from the bag.

The vampire blinked, craning his neck as Dib moved behind him to paint on the floor of the basement around him. “Is this black magick?” he finally spoke up.

“Not necessarily,” Drayne responded first. “It’s not a spell for harm or selfish gain or anything. Relax.”

“Well, that is, if it doesn’t hurt. I have no idea,” Dib pointed out from behind. “Either way, uhm, whatever!”

Zephyr furrowed his brow back at the child before returning his focus to the spellbook lurking on the floor for reference. An exorcism for the lost soul, it claimed. But weren’t exorcisms for ghosts, or something?

“Uhm.. What exactly are all of these drawings for?”

“They’re gateways. Or, uh, sort of like.. guides. Pathways. To help direct you, you know?” Dib adjusted his glasses briefly before he closed the circle of paint, continuing on.

“Not really. I don’t really know much about witchcraft.”

“Pfft,” Drayne shook his head. “Do you see cauldrons and black cats anywhere?”

Zephyr blinked up at the screen, eyeing some of the technology around them. “Well, does a bucket of bubbling stuff count as a cauldron?”

“That’s my dad’s ‘super-real-science-totally-not-parascience-juice’.”

“You don’t have to be sarcastic.”

“No, really.” Dib stopped what he was doing to stare. “That’s it’s name. He uses it to enhance things. Enhance what exactly in things, I have no idea. Just to make them.. super, I guess.”

“Oh,” the vampire’s brow crinkled as he glanced away. “Well.. uhm… can we.. sort of go over what exactly is going to happen? I’m a little in the dark here.”

“I can’t tell you for certain until something happens. If it doesn’t, then we move on to something else. If it does, then great! Just make sure to tell me how you feel throughout so I can record my findings before you die!” He beamed before returning to the floor markings.

Zephyr felt a nerve in his eyelid spasm. Record his findings? And use them for what??

“Uhm.. What do paranormal investigators do, exactly?”

“We hunt abnormal creatures and use them to be popular.”

“That’s not true!” Dib snapped before he faltered, scratching the back of his head. “Well, maybe a bit of it. But, anyway, paranormal investigation is serious business!” Dib clenched his fist in determination. “We discover the undiscovered, we encourage people to think outside the box, we -”

“Capture paranormal creatures and sell them on the internet.”

Dib whipped around to him. “No, we don’t!”

“Well, I certainly did.” Drayne shrugged with a smile in his voice. “I once caught a ghost in a Pandora box and sold it for fifty dollars. The guy who bought it was stupid enough to open it and have a haunting on his hands. But hey, no sweat off my back.”

Zephyr’s mouth twisted in discomfort before he eyed Dib again. “Are you two going to sell me in a box?”

“What?! No! I don’t sell any of my findings!! No!” Dib hissed. “But we are going to have to put your body somewhere.”

“Do you have a river near you?” Drayne questioned.

“Just a cesspool, honestly.”

“That’ll work.”

Zephyr exhaled in distaste. This was a bad idea. Probably his worst idea yet, and there was no turning back. This was it. He was going to die in a child’s basement, strapped to a dentist chair, covered in pickle juice, with his leftover body dumped in sewage. Could it get any worse?

“Did you mind if we shaved your head to sell your hair? I mean, it wouldn’t matter much to you anymore, being dead and all.” Drayne scoffed.

“You can sell his hair, but I want to keep this,” Dib tugged at one of the ends of the drooping cloak. “I think it would be a pretty neat costume piece, don’t you think?”

“I mean, it looks a little cheesy. Does it feel cheesy?”

“Not too cheesy.” Dib felt the fabric, paintbrush in his other fist. “Hey, what’s this made out of, anyway?”

Zephyr felt his mouth twitch. Here he was, on his death.. chair, and the ones aiding him were planning to steal the rest of his belongings. And hair. That was part of his belongings, right?

At least he wouldn’t have to deal with nasty, bossy alley cats anymore.

“Okay! Painting finished. Or whatever it is. Symbol.” He tossed the paintbrush, going for the bag again to grab out some candles.

“Your dad is going to kill you if he sees this mess.”

“Uh huh,” Dib rolled his eyes. “Anyway, how many colours of each did we need again?”

He should have just remained with Zim’s plan. Perhaps being launched into space would have instantly killed him. That would have been a lifesaver, compared to this. He was definitely not looking forward to the coming damage. At least Zim did not plan to shave his head and sell what came off of it. Then again, he had no idea what the alien did with his dead test subjects.

Regardless, he made a wrong choice. Dib had made it sound almost pleasant on the way down into the basement.. He remembered the leap of his insides from the chair with straps in some advanced, medieval torture room. It was just a very scary time to be sort of living.

He never should have pushed the alien out of the way months back. All of this would have never happened. He shouldn’t have tried something new. He shouldn’t have tried to make a friend. Clearly, chasing after what you want results in your inevitable doom.

Zephyr glanced to the lit candle on his left, watching as the child moved about, setting flame to each wick. His insides were getting wound up again. Anxiety at dangerous levels. His body wouldn’t stop shaking.

“Okay.. annnnd…” Dib hissed slightly, waving the match. “Ow,” he mumbled before lighting a new one, attempting to spark the candle to life once again.

“Oh, come on!” he rolled his eyes, sticking his tongue out in concentration as he went for another match.

“The candle doesn’t like you,” Drayne reiterated.

“I can see that,” Dib looked over the rim of his glasses, observing the wick closely as he held the match to it.

Zephyr cringed as the flame finally lit with a victorious sneer on Dib’s behalf. He watched as the human recollected the book of horrific amounts of dust bunnies, struggling to swallow. He even felt a bead of sweat at his temple. Could he even sweat anymore?

“Okay! Ready?” Dib bounced in place. “Any last regrets? Words? Meals? No? Good!”

Zephyr blinked, nostrils flaring as the corners of his lips curled downward. “Can I at least say some-?”

“Nope! Too late! Time to move on.” He took a breath, eyes zipping over the text before him.

Drayne glanced the vampire’s way, eyes narrowing in amusement. “Fire away, captain.”

“Hope I pronounce this right,” he made a face with the offhanded remark. “Regna.. Terrae, cantata Deo, psallite Cernunnos…”

The vampire furrowed his brow from the odd words given upon him, blinking rapidly to keep the odd static away from his vision. “Okay, I’m really, really not comfortable with this now!”

“Regna terrae, cantata Dea psallite Aradia…”

“Do you even know what you’re saying?!” Zephyr snapped, nerves rattling inside of him. This doesn’t look good. Either he was about to combust of anxiety, or this spell was actually working.

“Caeli Deus, Deus terrae…”

The vampire hissed, dropping his head as he felt his chest tighten and wiggle. Overall, the experience was certainly not pleasant, by any means. His eyes were starting to leak, his hearing was getting fuzzy… lightheaded..

“Terribilis Deus Sanctuario suo, Cernunnos ipse fortitudinem plebi Suae…”

Drayne shifted in his seat, headphones taken from his ears. “Bathroom. Be right back. But, uh, don’t wait up! You can finish it! I won’t be long. Fill me in if anything cool happens!” His figure suddenly vanished from sight, leaving the empty chair to idly swerve.

Dib blinked from the interruption, lifting a brow. “Uh… okay. Kinda bad timing, but okay,” he rolled his eyes before returning to the text. “Aradia ipse fortitudinem plebi Suae -”

“Wait! Dib, can you stop? I don’t like it! I really don’t want to go through with this!! You can have my cloak or hair or whatever, just please stop saying those - whatever that is!!”

“Oh, come on! I’m almost finished!” Dib whined. “Benedictus Deus -”

“Dib -!”

“Gloria Patri -”

“Stop!!”

“Benedictus Dea -!!”

“WOULD YOU JUST -?!”

“Matri-!!”

“WHAT THE?!”

Dib’s head whipped in the direction of the doorway.

Zephyr twitched, black leaking from the corner of his lips as he joined Dib in staring down the newcomer.

The Irken narrowed an eye, gloved fists on his hips. “What on Irk is going on in here?!” he accused his nemesis, eyeing the candles, then the chair that Zephyr was strapped to. He shuddered, reeling slightly. “A dentist chair?!”

“That’s what I said!” the vampire muttered, though he had to hold back further comment in fear of vomiting up his shaken guts.

“Zim! What are you doing in my house?! What did you do to my sister?!”

“Oh, well, you see, I ripped down your door, we spoke of pleasantries and greetings, Gus directed me to here, and err, well, here I am!” The alien grinned brightly in his vain stature. “Isn’t the room always more appealing once Zim enters it?”

“No!!” Dib barked. “Get out of my basement, Zim!! I was in the middle of something important, you know?!”

“Oh, you were?” Zim blinked, glancing about the dark room again before he shrugged and turned back to the stairs to begin ascending. “Fine, Zim will return when you - WAIT a MINUTE!” he flew back down to point menacingly. “That is too BAD, Diblet!! ZIM has come to put an end to your vile cereal-making methods!!”

“What does cereal have to do with -?”

“YOU HEARD ZIM!!”

Dib scoffed. “Whatever, Zim!! You wanna stop me?! Go ahead and try to!! Because you CAN’T. Nothing can stop Dib Membrane from wiping out your one and only advantage!!! MWAHAHA!!!”

Zephyr blinked out of sync from the child’s evil laughter. “Advantage?” he managed. What on Earth was going on here?

“Oh?! While YOU uncharacteristically, but strangely characteristically LAUGH about it, I shall simply steal your book so you can no longer read nonsensical things from it!!” He made a move to grab.

“No way!!” Dib turned his back to the alien, shutting the book with a slam and cloud of dust. He held it in protection, coughing slightly. “You can’t stop me from finishing him off, space boy!!”

Zim blinked before he pointed. “You lost your page,” he informed.

Dib looked down to the closed book, a look of horror coming across his eyes. “Oh, man!!!” he screeched, dropping to the floor to immediately fish through the book for the page again.

The alien sneered from the child’s act. “HA! Good luck returning to your reading, WORM BABY. AHAHAHA!!”

The vampire groaned in his disorientation as he managed to focus on the Irken that came his way, sharp, mechanical legs all pointing at him. The ends lit with a menacing spark of blue.

He cringed, turning his head away from the beams of electricity, but as soon as they were fired, they were finished. The creature of night observed the destroyed bonds below, glancing back up in time to be whipped from the seat.

“You are slower than a blooping on television!!” the Irken towered over him with his mechanical limbs, hoisted in the air. “Come, before the universe withers to dust, and… dust!!”

“You said dust twice.” Zephyr began to follow to the stairs, mouth twisted in disgust from the dripping catastrophe from his face. Paint and pickle juice. What kind of moron came up with that?

Dib wailed in defeat, dropping his head down into the book of dust clouds. “No, no, no!!” He hissed out his frustrations, growing still before he picked his head up from the page to find himself alone. Sitting there in the mess of paint, he itched his chin before lowering his hand again.

After a few more moments, he rose again. “Wait a minute..!” He lifted his head towards the ceiling. “SECURITY!!!”

* * *

The Irken, having nearly reached the door, yelped from the sudden ghost-animal robots swarming them.

Zephyr flinched back against the alien as they were bombarded by disfigured animatronics. “What’s going on?!”

The Invader squealed an incoherent response, backing away from the circling threat.

“Yes! They work!!” Dib bounced in the doorway of the stairwell. “Look familiar, Zim?!”

The alien came back to back with his paranormal counterpart, turning inward in preparation. “I know what your filthy animals look like!!” he snapped.

Dib scoffed, prancing forward. “No, you moron! They’re your faulty gnomes that you threw away. I fixed them up pretty nicely, if I do say so myself.”

The Irken squinted at his nemesis. “You told me that your planet has a magical GARBAGE fairy that disposes of your trash!!”

“You actually believed me?!”

Zephyr stood there between them with his awkward, less than grace. These two.. whatever they were to each other have some serious history between them. He felt… so out of place.

“Are you telling Zim that there is not a mystical gopher that steals mail either?!”

“Uhm, actually, that’s real. Uh, I think. I mean, I haven’t really seen a gopher steal peoples’ mail, but it’s definitely a thing going around -”

“SLANDER AND LIES!!” the Irken screeched. “You have Gir waiting at our mailbox EVERY SINGLE X-MASS!”

“Christmas?” Dib’s lips curled in distaste. “What does this have to do with -?”

The three jumped collectively from the sudden boom, heads whipping.

Gaz eyed them with her famous, demonic glint.

Dib stood there in shock. “Gaz..! Our couch!”

Zephyr blinked at the flipped furniture, focus slowly returning to Dib’s scary sister.

The Irken puffed his cheeks, sending a glare back in his rival’s direction. “See what your voice makes people do?!” his tongue poked out to blow a raspberry.

The human scowled immediately before he shouted a war cry.

Zim screeched, tripping over the gnome-animatronics on his way to the door in a mad rush for survival.

The vampire cringed as the door slammed right in Dib’s face.

 

The child rubbed at his nose. “Ow..”

The door suddenly reopened, the alien peeking in. “Did your face get smashed in?”

Dib felt around his face temporarily. “No, it’s pretty normal.”

“Are your bodily fluids contained?”

The child checked for blood, dabbing at his nose. “Nope, I think I’m good. Thanks!” he grinned.

“Good!” the alien smiled pleasantly before his lips curled wickedly.

The vampire flinched from the hard slam.

“Ngh!! YOU JERK!!”

“I hope that hurt,” Gaz sneered. “You and your stupid friends interrupted my movie night, and now I will seek my revenge upon you,” she lowered her head, glaring in his direction. “I will wait until you least expect it, and then you’ll realize that it’s too late.. There won’t be anywhere left to run, and I will have my revenge, Dib. Just you wait...”

Zephyr watched as the gamer slowly stalked towards the stairs, climbing each step with a cold stare in her brother’s direction.

Neither being moved until they heard the door slam upstairs. “Your sister scares me,” the vampire commented, voice hardly above a whisper.

Dib glanced his way, blinking at the gnomes that had turned over, their wheels frantically sparking. He refocused on the vampire. “Hey! We can finish that spell now!!”

He yelped from the door sending his body flying, tumbling into the recliner.

“Zim almost forgot!” the alien claimed through the doorway, pointing dramatically. “You! Come! Follow! OR ELSE!!” He did not even give the vampire a chance to react to his command, spiderlegs shooting out once again to grab him.

Zephyr screamed in alarm, body ripped out the door in one motion, the entry way shutting behind them.

Dib stared towards the exit as the vampire’s screams were heard all the way down the road.

“Dib? You there?” the screen made its way from the stairwell. “What’d I miss? Where’d the vampire go??”

Dib scowled, crossing his arms. “That was the longest bathroom break known to mankind!” he snapped.

“No, it wasn’t. The longest bathroom break is twenty three ye-”

The child punched the end call button, huffing as he sank back down against the floor to mope. Dib sat there for what seemed like hours, when in reality, it was probably thirteen seconds, before he stood to step around the recliner, plopping himself down on the upside-down, hideous, burnt orange sofa. He blinked, scratching at his cheek.

Slowly reaching forward to the bowl, he took a small piece of popcorn.

“THAT’S MY POPCORN!!” came a monstrous roar.

Dib cringed from the muffled scream all the way up in his sister’s room, popcorn dropping back into the bowl. He froze for a short moment, deeming his surroundings safe enough to try again, slowly crunching on the popped kernel.

Upon the small sound, the bowl before him lit up in hellish flames, the child scrambling back in terror.

* * *

“And now… to finally rid myself of your vile meat sac of a body,” the Irken tapped his six fingers together diabolically, focused orbs upon the screen.

The vampire hissed inward through his teeth from the repositioning of the machine around him. There really wasn’t much mystery behind the alien technology that had him captive. It was honestly just a catapult. Or, at least, he thought it was.

“Is this a giant catapult?!” he voiced his thoughts.

“Yes,” the alien blinked before he grinned. “And it shall be the key to your miserable ending!” The Irken burst out into a fit of cackles.

The creature of night shifted nervously from the movement of the machine. “C-Can’t we just call it a truce and move on??”

“Ehm..” the Invader raised a finger to his lip, brow furrowing. “No.” He guffawed again, gloved fingers working on the touchscreen. “PREPARE your disgusting body for launching and a potential implosion in your inferior atmosphere!!”

“I don’t want to implode!!” Zephyr clung to the sides of the machine desperately as the night sky was revealed above them, house level and roof opened in two. “I never signed up for this!! I didn’t write my will!! I don’t even know how to write one, so I suppose that doesn’t matter anyway, but I was always told you need one before you die!!”

The alien blinked hard from the creature’s blubbering madness. “No willpower!!” he barked. “Just death!! Death and g- g- gore!” he convulsed temporarily before he leered. “Sayounara, vampire! MUAHAHAHA!”

Zephyr stared wide from the odd glitch-like convulsion, though his current situation overshadowed the small detail. “Wait! Stop!! NO!!!” he cried, shielding his face from the moonlight.

He gasped from the rocking of the machine, clinging to the sides as he swore his dead insides pounded in fear.

“GIR! BAD! PUT IT DOWN!! YOU THREW OFF YOUR MASTER’S TRAJECTORY!!”

Zephyr looked over the edge to find the robot at the very bottom with an excited smile. The very sight of it caused him to scream in panic, shutting his eyes tight.

“Launching in 5… 4…3…”

“No!! NO!! Computer!! Abort!! ABORT!!” the Irken screeched. “GIR! UNHAND IT!! COMPUTER!! GYAH!! LISTEN TO YOUR MASTER, YOU RUSTED JUNKPILES!!” he hissed in frustration.

“2… 1.”

“ROCK-A-BYE BABY!”

“STOPSHAKINGMEI’MGOINGTOVOMIT-!”

“GIRPUTITDOWNLISTENTOZIM-!!”

“Nyeh!” Minimoose flew by.

Zim screamed from the explosion, eyes alit with flame as it rushed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PAK has experienced an unexpected shutdown.
> 
> Initiate startup procedure?


	7. You and Me, Rendezvous?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> あなたと私でレンデブ？ランデブ？ラーラーランデブ？

      

**dEfEcTiVe?**

* * *

 

“MRRREOW!”

 

The Irken’s implants shot open to a creature of hair and carnivorous eyes. He screamed in horror, scrambling away from the furball with an arched spine.

 

However, his actions only led him into a pile of garbage, and the alien’s face contorted in regret. “GYAH! HORRIBLE! FILTHY! EW, EW, EW!” he picked himself up in a hurry, brushing at his poor, contaminated uniform. Freezing mid-cleanse, the Invader lifted his eyes to stare at the cats about, predator-gazes all upon him.

 

He cringed from the tiny sound that came from the closest kitten, jerking back against the concrete. “BACK, FOUL MEOW-BEASTS! AWAY! YOUR SCENT IS DISGUSTING!” he screamed, covering his antennae. He tried to meld his body with the alley wall, shutting his eyes tightly.

 

A simple brush against his leg forced his eyes back open, the Irken glancing down to the purring cat that stared up at him, tail flicking. Zim blinked at the thing with giant, cutesy eyes - the creature letting out a small mewl in reassurance.

 

The alien screamed in fright, however, laser whipping out to shoot the thing where it stood with a bright flash.

 

The cats surrounding them immediately cried and fled as the fried skeleton was left there, collapsing into a pile of bones.

 

Zim protected himself as the wave of furballs all left the alley in a panic. He followed the remainder of animals to the opening, ominous streetlight overhead. The alien scratched at an antenna from the dark street, brow furrowing. How did he even end up here?

 

“EHEHE!”

 

Zim’s head snapped to the left from the familiar giggle, blinking hard. “Gir?!” he called, legs leading him in a careful march. The laughter echoed through the empty street, chill lingering in the air.

 

The alien continued on with no real sense of direction other than the vague remnants of his SIR Unit’s cackles. “Gir! Where are you?! Respond to your master!!”

 

“Mreow.”

 

Zim gasped from the vicious snarl, turning in its direction, though, no cat was apparent.

 

He stepped backward, eyes shifting in suspicion. “Gir?!” he called again. “Minimoose?!”

 

“NYEH!”

 

“EHEHEHAHAAA! IT TICKLES!”

 

The Irken blinked as the laughter continued, his lekku standing on end. Following the laughter of his robots, Zim found himself lurking towards another alleyway. The air around him.. the cold, quiet night.. no other intelligent life around but rabid cats..

 

The atmosphere spooked him. More so than public restrooms. And those were terrifying.

 

Zim swallowed before he peeked into the alley, his spooch leaping into his throat.

 

There was his SIR Unit, swimming in garbage - while his doomsday pet threw banana peels and cracked cups like confetti to add to Gir’s filthy state.

 

“GIR!” he immediately blamed. “Enough swimming in filth!! You do that enough at home!! Get out of there!!”

 

Gir lifted his head, the two robots freezing to stare before they collectively squealed, charging forth.

 

The alien cringed in dismay as they rushed him, hissing as he went down. “GYAH!! STOP! ENOUGH! NO! OBEY ME!! GERMS!! GIR!! MINIMOOSE!! STOP!!!”

 

“Nyeh…” Minimoose dropped away from bombarding his Master’s head. “Nyeh, nyah nyeh!”

 

“No! I have no idea why we are in this disGUSTing place, but I - GIR!” he snapped, shoving the robot from his now filthied torso. “Gyuh!” he stretched the material to observe, tongue sticking out in revulsion. He huffed, standing himself back up with a violent brush of his uniform. “Gir, I despise the very essence of your being.”

 

“I love you too, Master,” Gir smiled his toothless-smile, a string of… something… hanging from his robotic lips.

 

The alien shuddered from the scene, shutting his eyes to attempt to unsee it. “No matter, minions! We will simply find our way back to the -” The alien paused at the figure ahead of them, ends of its cloak tapping away at the cracked sidewalk below. “You!” he pointed, expression flipping into a hostile glower. “ _Still_ not dead?!”

 

“Still not dead,” the vampire confirmed. “I mean, in the traditional sense of dead.”

 

Zim blinked hard from the information, visibly processing. “You kidnapped Zim?!” he accused. “Where are we?! Where is my base?! You breed meow-meows?!”

 

“Meow-meows!’ A giggle.

 

“Nyeh-nyeh!”

 

Zephyr blinked from the alien trio before him, eyes wandering. “Uhm.. We’re downtown. In a sort of.. abandoned part, I suppose. It’s like thirty minutes from here, and no?” The creature of night looked about uncomfortably. “They’re called ca-”

 

“TAKE ZIM BACK TO HIS BASE!” the Irken roared.

 

“AHHH!!” Gir screamed, however, it ended in a cute smile. Minimoose only squeaked quietly.

 

“Look, Zim, uhm.. you see, well, the thing is - what I’m trying to say is - to get to the point, uhm -”

 

“SPILL YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS!” Zim screeched.

 

“YOUR BASE IS CLOSED OFF!” the vampire screamed back.

 

“CLOSED OFF?!”

 

“CLOSED OFF!!” Zephyr repeated. “Police tape! People! Those creepy news reporters! They’re all there, they - !”

 

Zim shoved the vampire out of his way, taking off in a flash, minions in hand.

 

“ZIM, WAIT!!’ Zephyr cried after him. “YOUR -” he slouched from the alien’s absence, blinking, “disguise,” he mumbled, the nearly silent sound dissipating into the night.

* * *

The Irken’s legs moved like no other’s, robots falling behind three blocks back.

 

Finally turning into the entrance to the cul de sac, the alien came to a screeching halt.

 

Red and blue lights. A crowd of people. Smoke. Hoses of water. Helicopters, and news reporters - vans, microphones, camera men.

 

Zim’s spooch practically flipped inside out and backwards as his crimson eyes gazed ahead to the chaos surrounding his exposed base, his lekku lowering dramatically.

 

“This is the alien’s secret base!” the bearded man drawled to one of the news reporters. She did not look too comfortable. “He disappeared right before our eyes - and now he has returned!”

 

“You heard it here, folks. There are some real crazies out there, but little green men? Really?”

 

“Non-believer!!”

 

Zim was frozen to the spot as the crowd spoke amongst themselves, eyes darting here and there. His base. Exposed. Cameras. Those alien.. UFO-worshipping.. morons. The Earth authorities!!

 

The Irken’s lid twitched, antennae convulsing in disbelief. He must have been hallucinating again. It was just impossible.

 

Gir rammed into his Master’s back with a scream, laughing as he hit the ground.

 

Minimoose caught up, floating beside the Irken’s shoulder. Registering the situation, unlike his SIR Unit companion.

 

“These crazy people are telling the truth,” a man far ahead announced. Sunglasses. Trench coat. “Aliens exist among us. They have been since before time began.”

 

“Excuse me, who are you?” the news reporter gave him a look.

 

“Bill. Paranormal Investigator. No games. I only go after the really real stuff. And this, my friends, is one hundred percent _real_.”

 

The crowd’s attention turned on the man, questions flying left and right.

 

Voices. Hoses. Authorities backing up the strange alien worshippers from touching the lawn ornaments.

 

The Irken jerked from the sudden black abyss over his head, hissing through the struggle of arms. “NO! GET OFF OF ZIM!! LET GO OF ME!!!”

 

He grunted as a part of the fabric was lifted to reveal his eyes. “I never said that I wished for your coat to be the fancy headpiece of Zim!”

 

“No, you idiot!” Dib seethed close to him, keeping his voice down. ”Are you TRYING to get yourself caught?! Where’s your disguise?!”

 

Zim hissed quietly in return, fighting the child’s fingers that kept the coat shaping his head in protection. “Zim has done nothing wrong!!”

 

“You’re not listening to me!” the child snapped, yanking the Irken in his coat. “Just come on! Ow! OW! Stop biting me!!”

 

The alien coughed in disgust, wiping at his mouth. Robots trailing behind them, the two enemies made their way back out of the cul de sac.

 

The vampire watched from the safety of his garbage can, peeking through the crack of the lid… up until his eyes popped open from something.. furry.. moving beneath him.

* * *

“WOO! TV!” Gir shed the rest of his costume before he dove headfirst into the burnt orange sofa, antenna effectively lodged beneath the cushions. However, it did not stop him from watching the screen upside down. “MASTER! IT’S OUR HOUSE!!”

 

Dib rolled his eyes. “Can you NOT expose yourself without my doing?” he finally released the fighting alien, taking his coat back with a not-so-happy scowl. “How am I supposed to gain any credit when you’re taking it upon YOURSELF to walk around without a disguise on?!”

 

The Irken brushed at his uniform in sheer disgust at the combination of Dib germs and garbage juices that had seeped in. “Enough of your coat-offerings!” he smacked at the material that Dib had been holding up in discomfort. “Why have you brought me here?! Zim does not know anything about blood candy rituals or fire wax holsters! Nor shall I help you find your page!!”

 

“This isn’t about any of that, you moron!!” Dib facepalmed. “This is about you! About your base!” His finger whipped in the direction of the television.

 

Zim followed it to the commotion and smoke that crowded the cul de sac, blinking. Glancing back to his nemesis, he tilted his head.

 

Dib blinked back, brow furrowed. Starting to shake, his teeth grit before his temper boiled over, advancing. “YOU DON’T SEE THE URGENCY OF THIS?! YOUR BASE IS GOING TO BE DISCOVERED AND YOU’RE STUCK HERE IN YOUR GREATEST ENEMY’S HOUSE!!”

 

“Nyeh!” Minimoose made himself known, watching from the sofa. Gir peered over, the two minions watching for the drama.

 

The alien blinked hard, slowly moving away from the wall he had been trapped against, wiping at the sizzling saliva from his cheek. “Zim does not know what nonsense you speak of- WAIT!” he burst, frozen to the spot temporarily.

 

“Now do you see why I’m concerned for you?!”

 

The Irken widened an eye at his rival before he cringed. “I think I may have left the oven on!!’

 

Dib stared before he dropped his head into his hands with a smack. “Why aren’t you freaking out?! Why are you such an idiot?! Why do you all smell like you were born and raised in a dumpster?!”

 

“Aw, Mary jealous,” Gir giggled to his companion.

 

“NO! I’m NOT! You’re contaminating my sofa with robot-dog germs and Gaz is going to choke the life out of me if she can’t use the sofa for her movies or whatever she watches!!”

 

The Irken scowled, directing the human’s attention away with a slap. “Enough of your complaints, dirt-child! Zim does not know why you have brought us to your ugly home, but we shall be taking our goodbyes and-”

 

Dib dove in front of the door, blocking it with widespread arms. “Not like that, you’re not! Where would you even go?! It’s not like you have a second base to go back to!!”

 

“YOU do not know how many baseballs Zim has!” he spat, though he did not make a move to fight the human. Instead, his PAK legs sprang, launching him towards an open window.

 

Halfway outside, the alien grunted from the arms around his waist, hissing as he kicked. “RELEASE ZIM THIS INSTANT!!’ he screeched, spiderlegs battling the parasite.

 

Dib latched on for dear life as he was pelted with the Irken’s extensions, grunting and hissing. “NO! YOU’RE NOT LEAVING!!”

 

Gir cheered his Master on, or, err, both of them, as he laughed and cried, making sounds similar to dying whales and an ambulance that he had heard on TV. Minimoose simply sat there beside the SIR Unit, squeaking absentmindedly.

 

“LET GO! YOUR BODY PROTRUSIONS REVOLT ZIM!!”

 

“NO!!” Dib struggled with the Irken, cheek smushed against the off-magenta patch of the uniform. He grunted as he finally lifted his leg to gain an upperhand, launching them with a shove off of the wall.

 

Zim hissed at the impact, though his nemesis cushioned him. His spiderlegs sprawled out, lifeless, as the Irken laid there in shock.

 

Dib kept his arms locked around the alien’s waist, eyes shut tight as his body screamed. Thankfully, his Irken nemesis was lightweight. “Now can we finally just-?”

 

The Invader suddenly whipped himself over, spiderlegs lifting his body once again, the child dangling from his grip. The Irken growled, trying to shake and stab the human that had attached himself, dancing about the room.

 

“Ow! OW! STOP THAT! Look! I’m only trying to-”

 

“YOU LIE!”

 

“I didn’t even say what I was going to say yet!!”

 

“ALL LIES!”

 

“WOULD YOU SHUT UP FOR JUST A-?!” The child cried out in alarm as he was sent flying across the room, slamming into the table, Membrane-lamp wobbling before it fell and crashed, light bulb shattered across the carpet. “Nygh..!”

 

Zim temporarily looked back before he caught his rival already picking himself up. Not wasting anymore time, the alien rushed into the kitchen, heading straight for the window.

 

Stopping just before it, however, the alien cringed from the level of dishes and gunk that accompanied them, a flood of water submerging the mountain of filth. He took a few steps back for clearance before darting for the hallway.

 

He hissed in surprise at his rival blocking his way, glowering savagely. He ran back towards the living room doorway in a panic, though a peach and black blob of human in his way caused him to skid.

 

The Irken blinked at him before he turned, running back - but only halfway. He stopped before sneaking back past the fridge to the living room once again, peeking out the doorway.

 

“Ha! Stupid human,” Zim smirked proudly, stepping out with confidence.

 

He shouted as a body rammed him from above, flailing on his knees to yank at the arms around his chest. “GYAH! UNHAND ZIM! NO MORE!! YOU SICKEN ME!”

 

Dib wrestled to keep the alien down, entrapping him like a spider would its victim. “Stop fighting me!!” the investigator reasoned. “Where would you go?! HUH?! Get lost?! Kidnapped?! NEVER COME BACK?!”

 

Zim growled to himself as the child’s weight increased with each punch of his words. Gathering the strength to move underneath his rival, he pulled them along, crawling towards the kitchen. “ZIM said no such words!!” he battled.

 

“Well, you were thinking it!”

 

“Was not!”

 

“Was too!”

 

The Irken growled, managing to get through the kitchen doorway and onto the tile. He continued on, dragging Dib’s weight with him. “GET YOUR FILTHY BODY OFF OF ZIM!” he demanded, starting to slam his rival against the table leg.

 

Dib grunted with each hit, not daring to release the hold he had on the alien. Gripping tighter, the child shut his eyes, enduring all he could.

 

The alien sneered, balling his fists before he went for the arms, prying at the vice hold.

 

“Nygh-!” the human shook as he felt his body struggle to keep up with the alien’s surprising strength, shouting in alarm as he was whipped to the side, tumbling.

 

Zim immediately scrambled up, going for the back door. He ripped at the sliding door, however, it did not seem to budge. He hummed, lowering himself to study the lock contraption.

 

The alien huffed, spider legs emerging, a bright light building in their ends.

 

He gasped as he was slammed into the glass, shutting an eye at the reflection of his nemesis against him. “Can’t you just lie down and be a good, unconscious human?” the Irken sneered.

 

Dib looked back at him in the glass, smug amusement present. “I don’t think so, space boy.”

 

The Invader narrowed his eyes.

 

Dib grunted as his back hit the glass, glowering at his alien nemesis from the lingering threat of lasers.

 

Zim revealed a devious grin of zipper teeth, hands mirroring the human’s, attached to Dib’s shoulders. “Are you quite finished, Earth filth?”

 

The human observed his position, biting his lip. “Uhm..” he stalled, amber eyes searching his environment. After a moment, the child smirked. “No.”

 

The alien’s eyes bugged from saliva launched at him, shocked from the unexpected splatter. He hissed as it began to sizzle, retreating quickly. The Irken fumbled, banging into the table and chairs as he wiped at his face with a sleeve. “DISGUSTING!!” he cried just before he felt a body ram him, growling in frustration as they hit the floor once again. He kicked through his tantrum, slashing blindly with his mechanical legs.

 

Dib dodged the alien’s aid, hooking the antennae and holding them as reigns.

 

Zim’s eyes snapped open, freezing in place. Studying carefully, the alien slowly lifted a hand before he also gripped at the child’s scythe in defense.

 

Seeing the child’s brow lift in confusion, the alien’s gaze shook in frustration. “FINE!” he burst.

 

Dib jerked at the shout, panting with his rival. “What?!”

 

“Zim said fine!” the Irken echoed. “But, if you will force me to stay at your filthy, human nest of bats and crickets, then at least allow me to bathe!”

 

The human blinked, trying to process. Catching up to speed, he gave a rough nod. “Fine!”

* * *

Dib sat there at his blaring screen, nerves jumping a mile a minute. Zim was in his bathroom - his father had finally installed a shower in the upstairs one - bathing, somehow. He’s only ever seen the alien bathe ONCE, and that was through the camera feed.. months back. He knew that the alien used some water-like substance, but it was like… pink.

 

And Zim was taking way too long for his comfort, but he had made sure to bolt the window shut so the Irken would not think about that possible escape route. Nor did he allow him to lock the door.

 

The child glanced towards the corner of his room to the alien’s sleeping minions. They were cuddled up, beneath one of his spare blankets. They were kinda… cute. But still evil, so he couldn’t express too much concern for them. After all, they were Zim’s EVIL MINIONS. Not pets. Not children. Just… evil robots. Yeah.

 

Dib blinked. Okay. He knew that Gaz took a long time to shower, but this? This was going on three hours. There was no way.

 

The child stood from his chair, sneaking out of the dark room, shutting his door behind him quietly. Tiptoeing down the hall, he snuck towards the bathroom, staying against the wall. He had to keep up his guard at all times around his nemesis. The Irken would sometimes spring things on him. He had to be careful.

 

His hand going for the knob, he quietly turned it, creaking the door open. “Zim?” he called, eyes immediately going for the window. No. Still intact. So..?

 

Zim was.. lying there.. in the bathtub. Cleaning his antennae like a rabbit would its ears.

 

Dib felt shock hit him like a brick wall from the discarded uniform, boots and all, hanging over the sink. He knew that the Irken was bathing, but, the reality of it did not actually phase him until that moment.

 

He could only stare. An alien was bathing in his bathroom in that... pink water. From beyond the stars. His seemingly lifelong nemesis. Dib’s jaw loosened, eyes glued to the green skin of Zim’s hands. He didn’t.. have nails! No wrinkles, no scars, no marks. Nothing but green.

 

Dib’s eyes travelled over what he could see, taking it all in and filing away the information. Even after all of this time, he still had so much to learn about the Irken. It truly was incredible.

 

He flinched from the bug-like gaze upon him, face twisting in anxiety. “Uh-” He thought about running. He really did. But how would that have solved anything?

 

Dib made the bold decision to officially enter, shutting the door behind him. “Three hours, Zim?”

 

“Yes,” the Irken blinked, obviously tense. He had never experienced this before. His nemesis seeing this much of him. He expected the child to freak and grab a camera, but.. he.. didn’t? “I had to first sanitize your filthy washing bin,” he began. “Then the rest of this disgusting room. The germ population needed to be squashed before I was to bathe. Otherwise, my body would simply be attacked as soon as it was clean!”

 

Dib simply stared at him. He had taken a seat on the toilet lid, the awkward air between them trying to rip his gaze away, but he did not allow it. “Well, it does look cleaner in here.”

 

“Of course it does!” the alien rolled his eyes, splashing in annoyance before he rubbed at his face. “Stupid human,” he grumbled.

 

Dib blinked from the tiny splatter, wiping it with a finger and drawing away, observing the pink substance. It was like.. jelly? He brought it to his tongue. Raspberry jelly? Strawberry?

 

“Enough judging how your skin will taste once cooked for self-cannibalism! Bring something for me to wear! I demand it!” he waved his hand to shoo the child in expectancy.

 

Dib furrowed his brow before he blinked. Oh. Right. “Well, okay, uh.. Hold on.” The child raced out, keeping the door wide open.

 

The Irken scowled after him, scoffing in disbelief. “And it better not be a foul blue!!” he called after him.

 

Dib stopped in his bedroom doorway from the demand, slowly turning away from the door. He shut it again, going back down the hallway towards the room of which none should attempt to enter.

 

He moved at a snail’s pace when pushing the door open into the dark abyss of Gaz’s room. Flipping on the light, he glanced about for danger. Her dolls were sure to be on their highest alert, what with their master being away at a friend’s house tonight. Security would be tripled. This was going to be tricky.

 

But he didn’t have an ounce of what colours Zim preferred in his own closet, and he didn’t want to risk the alien ripping up every outfit he presented. So, yeah, he might be risking his sister’s clothes, but -

 

A hiss came from under the bed as Dib passed. The child cringed, but kept strong. Red eyes were peering from the corners. Sharp teeth. Claws emerging. Activity getting stronger and stronger as the human made his way to the closet.

 

Dib paused at the closet doors from a rat lying on the floor… dead. He took a big gulp, slowly reaching out to open the doors.

 

At that very movement, the dolls pounced.

 

Dib screamed, swiping a boatload of hanging outfits from the rack as lasers started flying. “Nyah! Nygh! Stopitleavemealonei’mleavingalready,okay?! NYAH!” he dove for the doorway, rolling out of harm’s way. Scrambling up, he slammed the door shut behind him.

 

The human panted as multiple bodies of metal and fluff hit the other side of the wood. He blinked, staying in place until the security calmed down, letting a breath of relief leave his lungs.

* * *

Zim hummed, scanning each outfit in consideration. Tossing the next one to the side, the Irken moved on to the second to last chosen outfit.

 

“Oh, come on!! It’s just to wear temporarily, Zim!! Just pick one so you can come out of there already!”

 

“Do not rush art, Dib-hater!” he stuck his tongue out. Returning his focus, the alien’s eyes moved over the dress. Throwing it to have it join the others, the Irken held up the last one.

 

Dib huffed, dropping his head in his hands. “Just pick one already! Do you even realize what it took me to get those for you?!”

 

“The remainder of your brains?”

 

“No!! Gaz’s room has a security system that - ” Dib blinked up at his rival in his sister’s.. dragon footy-pajamas. Of course he would pick that, of all things.

 

The Irken zipped the front up, placing his covered hands on his hips to strike a confident pose, tail whipping. “Perfect!”

 

Dib only stared, his jaw dropped.

 

The Irken slowly caught on after admiring himself in the mirror, blinking back at his nemesis. “Have no fear, Dib-dolt, Zim is not a _real_ fire-breathing representative.”

 

“Reptile,” Dib corrected. “And I’m not scared! You just look ridiculous! And are you even wearing underwear?!”

 

Zim’s gaze remained upon him, a slight furrow in his brow. He continued to watch, eventually tilting his head to the side in question.

 

“Uhm.. Nevermind.” Dib stood to clean up the discarded clothes and hangers, pulling up his coat sleeve and unplugging the drain in the tub. Wow, it felt just like water. But..

 

He pulled his arm back out, observing how the liquid turned back into a jelly-like substance once separated from the body. It crumbled up, and he turned his hand to allow it to fall back into the tub with the rest. Such a strange, alien substance..

 

Gears grinding, the child quickly plugged the tub once again, leaving a bit of the alien fluids inside. He would have to collect that a bit later.

 

“Uh, can your clothes be washed with water?”

 

“Washed?” Zim blinked from where he stood in the doorway. “I have never heard of such a preposterous thing!! Clothes being washed! HA!”

 

“You don’t wash your clothes?!”

 

“Silly dirt-child. I incinerate worn uniforms,” he scoffed. “Zim does not care for your vile Earth customs! Dispose of it, and quickly! Before its plethora of bacteria attacks us!!”

 

“Well, my dad turned our microwave into an incinerator by heating up so many refried beans, so it should do the -”

 

“BEGONE WITH IT!” Zim punched the uniform into Dib’s ranting airhole.

 

The child spit in disgust, though he ran with it anyway, throwing his sister’s clothes back into her room on the way. As soon as the door opened, security had ripped them all to shreds. Dib cringed, shutting the door again. Oh, well. It’s not like Gaz would notice. She had mountains of clothes to last her a few days. Girls were pretty strange when deciding on one, after all. It’s just clothes.

 

Then again, Zim did the same thing. Did that make Zim female?

 

Dib spit again, trying to get the flavour of garbage juice off of his tongue. It really wasn’t pleasant. Though, he has tasted his dad’s cooking, and it was a modest comparison.

 

Finally reaching the kitchen, the human shoved the ripped, soaked clothing into what was once their proper microwave, now a forgotten experiment by his father’s hands. He saw Gaz playing with it sometimes. Catching bugs and watching them explode inside. Sometimes he really feared for that child.

 

Not even bothering to watch the intense light of the microwave, Dib ran from it, darting back towards the stairs. He couldn’t leave his nemesis alone for too long. The Irken was much too curious for his own… bad. “Zim??” he called as he climbed the steps.

 

Not receiving a response, the human felt his heart leap, pounding his ribcage in a panic. “Zim?!” he raced back to the bathroom, stopping short in the hall to stare.

 

The Irken was at his bathroom closet, towels on the floor around him. He was rubbing the fluffy objects all over his face and head, expression revealing just how much enjoyment he was having out of the act.

 

Dib squinted in confusion, eyes stopping here and there. “Zim,” he called awkwardly.

 

The alien froze, eyeing his nemesis behind him. He looked down at the towel against his cheek before slowly dropping it to the floor. “I was, err - simply judging how useful your band-days were for my amazing skin!” he covered up, taking the box and dumping some out. He peeled off the protective ends before sticking the bandage right where a nose would be. “Oh, so much knowledge it gives!”

 

The human opened his mouth to say something, though that something never came out, or even formed properly to begin with.

 

Zim stood there for moments before he stepped around the child, exiting the bathroom.

 

Dib blinked after him, mind in overdrive. “Yeah… okay,” he shut the door.

* * *

He drummed his fingers over the desk, feeling his core quake. He could not focus. His nemesis was right there, having claimed his bed. He was not really doing anything that needed Dib’s attention, but the paranormal investigator could never be too careful.

 

His eyes flicked over to the alien in his sister’s pajamas, hood hanging. Was Zim even planning on going to skool tomorrow? Like that? Without a disguise?

 

Unlikely. But then, who would watch over the alien when he was gone? Or, would he simply be forced to stay home with him until the Irken’s issues were magically fixed?

 

“Do Irkens sleep?” the question escaped his mouth.

 

The alien, having kept himself occupied by his strange tablet, perked up to glance Dib’s way. He let out a scoff. “An advanced race requiring such a useless state of being?” he restated. “You make Zim wish to gag from your very eye clippings.”

 

Conversation over, the Irken returned to his tablet. Dib only blinked at him, shifting not only in confusion, but in discomfort. How on Earth was he supposed to get rest himself if his enemy never slept? Or maybe the alien was simply covering up potential weaknesses again. Of course he wouldn’t tell him if Irkens actually slept. But, if they really didn’t, then Dib would be in serious trouble.

 

“Well, how else do you re-energize then, if not through sleep?”

 

“Worm baby, just because I am stuck here, it does not give you permission to interrogate Zim’s stylized living!”

 

“That’s not fair! You already know that _I_ sleep!”

 

“That is because Zim is _smart_ ,” he sneered. “I cannot say that I regret discovering you in such a vile fashion, but it was still not a pleasant experience.” He tossed himself to be on his abdomen, the act giving Dib a glimpse of the Irken text that Zim was scrolling through. He had managed to decode some things on his own, but he still had yet to figure out any of the sounds of the Irken language, and it was quite difficult to decipher when he had nothing to go off of.

 

“Well, no one said you had to watch,” Dib shot a look back.

 

The alien blinked, antennae twitching as he processed. It was quite.. disturbing the first time he had ever caught his nemesis in his slumber. He remembered it was merely a few weeks into knowing the human, something that had caught him incredibly off guard.

 

Seeking revenge on the child for publicly humiliating him in front of the class for not knowing how many lungs a human had, the Irken had snuck to his rival’s home come night. He planned to capture the mucous-inducing child and demand information of what exactly lungs were at the time while lowering him down into a toxic pile of Slorrbeast discharge, however, he had stumbled upon something much more intriguing.

 

The Dib had been… lying down.. on a soft, squishy.. sandwich shell. Garnished with a deep, red.. surface that covered his body. With a squishy pouch beneath his hippo head?

 

To say the least, it was strange. Dib’s heartbeat had been calmer.. breaths deeper. Eyes shut. Brain activity just as active, yet so different. Sometimes he would talk, though not specifically to him. And sounds. Hitched breathing. He would clutch the blanket.

 

After discovering this strange.. activity, the alien had fallen back on his plan, seeking out answers to this mysterious behaviour. After a long journey of aimless research, no thanks to his ill-informed computer, the Irken had found that nearly all humans slept on a regular basis. Some none at all, that lived up in the mountains, or were never heard from again.

 

“Zim..”

 

The Irken blinked out of it, eyes catching up with his antennae. “Hem?”

 

Dib sighed. “Nevermind. Just.. go back to whatever you were doing.”

 

The alien gave a snooty huff, returning to his tablet as he rolled over onto his left. Though, he was not concentrating on it, necessarily. He was looking straight through the screen towards where his human nemesis sat, typing away on that primitive keyboard.

 

He studied with those magenta orbs of his, light reflecting off of their ridge. “Why do you not take advantage of Zim?”

 

Dib furrowed his brow, slowly turning his seat around. He made eye contact, clicking his tongue as he looked away. “Because it’s too easy?” he scoffed, returning to his computer, glare in his lenses. “If I’m going to defeat you, it’s going to be fair and square.”

 

“Why?”

 

The established hero of the two sat there, still. His chair suddenly swiveled, leaving a dark path over the Irken, light escaping around them. “Because it’s the right thing to do,” Dib reasoned, crossing his arms. “I’m not some lowly alien that would take advantage of my enemy when they’re down.” Okay, that may have been a HUGE lie, but it seemed like the right thing to say at the time for his reasoning.

 

The Irken stared at him, as if he were seeing straight through the human’s bluffs. Though, it was highly unlikely. “Funny. I do so all the time,” Zim gave a catty smile.

 

“That’s because you’re evil,” the child pointed out. “Heroes are different.”

 

The alien blinked, humming in acknowledgement. The two sat there in darkness, the green digits of Dib’s alarm clock glowing.

 

The human briefly glanced towards it. 3:02 AM. He sighed, turning back to his computer. “You’re not coming to skool tomorrow, are you?”

 

“Like this?” Zim made a face, outstretching the neck of the pajamas to study it. “You must be out of your microscopic mind! Zim does not even have his disguise!”

 

“I know! I was just confirming with you, geez!” he snapped. “I’ll just - tell Miss Bitters you’re more sick than usual.” He let a smirk don his lips, eyes moving to the side.

 

“Fine,” the Irken agreed, joke flying right over his head. “Just be certain to make it convincing! Your acting skills could make a Shloopermorg vomit its last throat!”

 

“Huh?” Dib gawked momentarily before he shook his head. “Whatever! At least I don’t lay it on as thick as _you_ do, Mister Actor!”

 

The Invader let out a harsh laugh. “And who exactly do your people believe between us, Dib-filth? Was it me? I most certainly think it was me. Did Zim mention how much he enjoys third person?”

 

The child tossed in the towel at that statement, holding his head in his hands. “I hate you.”

 

Zim puffed his chest in victory. “Do not challenge Zim’s superiority, Earth larva. You are simply jealous that you cannot - mph!!” the Irken covered his cheek from the harsh throw of a disc. He glared, rubbing at the sting, effectively silenced.

 

The child looked back at him with a quick sneer from the corner of his eye before he disappeared again.

 

The alien scowled at the back of his rival’s chair. Plopping back down to return to his tablet, the Irken’s eyes trailed to the disc left on the covers beside him. He watched the thing, lekku perking from the typing across the room. Eyeing the back of the chair momentarily, he slowly pawed the disc over, watching cautiously.

 

Bringing the disc closer, he turned his head to better read his nemesis’s familiar handwriting. Z1661-Log 37. He pursed his lip, blinking in frustration. The human always had such mysterious files lying around. Not that he came into Dib’s room in hunt of evidence, or anything!

 

He flinched as the disc was snatched from his mitten-grasp, eyes bugging in disturbance. “Hey!!”

 

“It’s not even yours!” Dib snapped, smacking the Irken’s face with it like one would a misbehaving dog. “And I don’t trust you! You break everything you touch!”

 

“I did not _break_ your _bed_!” Zim argued.

 

“Not _yet_!”

 

The Irken shot a glower before he felt movement at the foot of the bed, head turning to the lumps beneath the blanket. He screamed from the movement, reeling into the wall. “WHAT FILTHY VERMIN DO YOU-?!” Zim’s fright flipped completely as a cyan antenna popped out. He lowered back against the bed, sighing. “Gir! Enough playing in the enemy territory! We are among danger!”

 

“Mary’s bed not as squiiishyyy,” the robot drawled.

 

The comment had Dib eyeing the Irken in suspicion immediately.

 

Zim stiffened, laughing nervously as he hushed his SIR Unit with the blanket. “Gir! Perhaps it is time you stay in sleep mode for the night, yes? Good!” he did not bother with a response, simply holding Gir beneath the fabric.

 

“Nyeh.”

 

The alien blinked up to where his Doomsday pet floated. “And you,” he pointed out.

 

The purple robot slowly lowered itself down, settling against the alien’s thigh over the covers. “Nyah…” it yawned, shutting its eyes.

 

The very sight of it caused Dib to copy the action, though he quickly hid it by turning back to the screen. “Robots don’t need to yawn, you know,” he pointed out.

 

“Silence!”

 

Dib rolled his eyes, dropping his chin into his arms over the keyboard.

* * *

 

Dreams were bizarre things. He knew when he was dreaming, of course, and it was happening again. There Zim was, beside him, skipping along the sand. The wind was subtle, a starry night over them, the waves dark and calm.

 

The Zim in his dreams was strange. His behaviour. It started out as the Irken was, the classic, obnoxious, ear-splitting alien with a passion for explosions, but, over time, he just… matured. Was tame, even. Not that Dib hoped for Zim to become something like that, or anything, but that’s just how his brain worked, or whatever.

 

“When are you going to leave?”

 

Dib blinked, though kept his eyes ahead. “As soon as I can.”

 

“How soon is soon?”

 

The investigator stopped, taking a moment to stand there. He finally turned to the Invader, looking down into those shimmering, magenta orbs. “Soon is… far away.”

 

Those black stalks atop the alien’s head wilted.

 

Dib bit his lip from the notion, watching the colour drain from the Irken’s eyes. The child looked away temporarily, guilt creeping. “Look, Zim, it’s tough, you know? It’s my home planet. My dad is here. Gaz is here. My mom - ”

 

The investigator paused to furrow his brow from the pink leaking down Zim’s face. Was he.. crying?

 

“Zim - ” Dib reached out to the frozen alien, fingers barely brushing the green skin before the magenta orbs crumbled, melting in their cavities. Skin folded and rolled. Organs pouring. Bones piled in the sand.

 

Dib stared down at the green and pink carnage, his guts slowly twisting in rising anxiety. A cold shiver. White, gloved hands snatching his shoulders from behind. A bright light!

* * *

 

He gasped, head snapping up from his folded arms. The child took in his surroundings, heart pounding the inner walls of his skin. Cold sweat running down his back.

 

Dib eyed his black monitor, gaze dropping to the lights. His computer was in idle mode. As usual. He fell asleep at his computer every other day while spying on...

 

The child’s heart somersaulted as he whipped himself around in the chair, eyes wildly scouring his room.

 

Though, his door was still shut. And his bed… still occupied. The Irken’s minions were all snuggled up in the blanket at their master’s side, asleep and sound. That was good. The Irken himself, however..

 

Dib froze in shock. Zim laid there, red covers draped over his waist, staring directly at the human across the room without a blink in his system.

 

The child almost choked on his spit from the fright, tremors firing through his nerves. “Zim! Have you even slept?! Were you seriously staring at me this entire time?!” the child hissed quietly.

 

“Entire time?” the alien sneered. “Two hours is worth nothing, Diblet.”

 

The investigator scowled in return. “That’s.. creepy, Zim.”

 

“Nuh uh.”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“Nuh uh.”

 

Dib seethed in frustration. “Whatever! Just - turn around! Stop watching _me_ and stare out the window, or something!”

 

Zim blinked, lifting a brow. “Out the window? To a sleeping street with no sign of intelligent life anywhere?” The Irken paused, eyes considering. “Very well. A much more brain-stimulating idea, anyhow, than watching your gigantic head struggle to hold its own weight, although amusing.”

 

The human shot a glare as his nemesis turned over, though his gaze flipped from the glow of Zim’s Pak. He blinked in wonder, hand extending before he could stop it.

 

Dib hissed in surprise from the slap, rubbing at the back of his hand.

 

The alien watched suspiciously, back once again facing the window. “I may be confined in the ugly underbelly of your wretched home of twigs and leaves, but we discussed nothing of touch! Though amazing as I am,” he followed up with a dash of charm, “Zim is not on display!!”

 

“Okay, sheesh! I get it! Moody alien,” he grumbled, turning away.

 

Though, he grunted as he was twisted back around in the seat, chair launched across the room. He screamed as the spiderlegs yanked his wheely chair with such force that he tumbled forward from the abrupt stop against his bed. He scowled from the opposing magenta gaze. “What was that for?!”

 

“That was to frighten you.” Zim sneered. “But, Zim is confused. Do you not need to sleep in your bed?”

 

Dib’s eyes bugged. “I’m not sleeping in my bed with you on it!! No way!! That’s disgusting!!”

 

The Irken’s brow furrowed, eyes searching. “How?”

 

“It’s - it’s just - you know what?! Forget it! I’m not explaining it to you!!” Dib shuffled off of his bed, dodging the mechanical limbs. He grabbed his chair, wrestling it from the alien’s grasp.

 

Zim fought the child, not allowing the chair’s release. “You can function without sleeping in your bed?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine! As long as I get some sleep, it doesn’t matter where I do it!”

 

“Then why does nearly every human’s home contain a bed with which to sleep upon? HEM?”

 

“Because it’s generally what humans sleep on, duh,” Dib stuck his tongue out. “Wasn’t that obvious?”

 

The alien hummed in irritation before he shoved the wheely chair and Dib with it. “Fine,” he shot his nemesis a glower. “You sleep in your twirly, uncomfortable chair.”

 

“Maybe I will!” Dib snapped back, rolling the chair back over to his desk.

 

“Good!”

 

“Good!!”

 

“That’s what I said!” Zim huffed.

 

“Yeah, well-! Just be quiet!”

 

“Just be quiet,” the Irken mocked, tossing back over towards the window and pulling the blanket up over his head.

 

Dib sighed, taking a seat back at his desk. This was one of his worst ideas yet.

* * *

 

His nose twitched, expelling whatever had invaded it. “Gaz! Dad’s burning your toast again!” he suddenly spoke out. Blubbering back into slumber, his head hit the keyboard.

 

Though, after a few more moments, the child snapped upright to examine the cloud of smoke hovering about his room. Seconds later, an unholy screech.

 

The fire alarm!! Dib practically leaped from his seat, stumbling down the hall towards his sister’s bedroom. “Gaz!!! Gaz, are you -?!” he whipped open the forbidden door, screaming from the swarm of security. He slammed the door on them, keeping it shut. Right. Gaz was at her friend’s house.

 

And then the thought occurred to him. “ZIM!” he cried, rushing to the steps and flying down three, four at a time. He nearly broke his ankle on the last one.

 

Sprinting for the kitchen, the child stopped, gripping the doorway. Smoke was making it a bit hard to see, but Dib could make out the absolute disaster of his kitchen - splatters of… stuff… contaminating everything.

 

Gir was laughing as he rocked back and forth on the table. Minimoose was poofing through the smoke clouds, putting all he could find of broken dishes in the sink. But, at least the Irken was actually using the proper tool in this situation.

 

“ZIM!” Dib snapped.

 

The yell caused the alien to whip his body in the direction of his nemesis, fire extinguisher squirting at Dib’s person.

 

Dib deadpanned from the cold beard of white donning his face, scowling at his rival.

 

Gir took one look at the human before he lost it again, hitting the table with his fist until he fell from the painted wood splitting.

 

After throwing a broken plate straight at the fire alarm, the sounds diminished, leaving the four in a quiet, smoke-filled kitchen.

 

Zim blinked as the tool was snatched from him, observing the child open the windows around the first floor.

 

Smoke clearing a bit, Dib re-entered the kitchen, wiping at the foam facial hair. “Okay… now that the problem is fixed…” Dib began calmly. He breathed deeply. “WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN MY KITCHEN?!” he roared, pointing the hose at his nemesis.

 

The Irken’s eyes bugged from the threat, though his frustration overcame his fright. “Gir was hungry, so he wished to make whatever he was trying to make out of cow butter and fire!”

 

“I tried, Mary, I really did,” Gir broke out into tears, still between the split halves of table. “I saw it on a cooking show once! They had such nice hats! I wish I had a nice hat!! So fluffy and muffin-top like!!” he screeched, tears raining.

 

“Nyeh nyeh nyah!” Minimoose reprimanded, shaking its nub like a parent would point a finger.

 

“What on EARTH kind of a recipe calls for butter and fire?!” Dib accused.

 

“Unimportant!” Zim waved off. “ZIM had nothing to do with this! I was merely trying to put out the fire that Gir-!”

 

“You let him destroy my kitchen!!” Dib pointed. “This is ALL your fault! He’s YOUR robot dog!! I don’t see anyone else owning a robot dog here!! Or a floating, purple - whatever that thing is!!” Dib retrained his glare on the Irken. “You are CLEANING this mess up RIGHT now!”

 

“But-”

 

“NOW!” Dib fired the hose in a random direction.

 

Said shot hit Gir in the face. “Ooo, bubblegum!”

 

The threat caused the alien to grimace. “Fine!!’ Zim hissed. “Minions! Clean before the Dib-monster loses his head!!”

 

“No!” Dib stopped them all. “They’re just going to make it worse! They’re coming with me!!”

 

“To skool?!” Zim flinched.

 

“No! I’m putting them where my house will be safe!” he scoffed. “In a cage! Come on, Gir! And, uh - balloon animal, whatever,” he grumbled, taking the robots by the hand and nub.

 

“Your hand is warm,” Gir giggled.

 

“Nyeh,” Minimoose looked back at the Irken in uncertainty.

 

“Hey!!” Zim cried, going after them. “You cannot put them in a cage!!”

 

“Why?! Irkens do it all the time!! You’re staying right here and cleaning!! Don’t make me use this!!” he threatened with the hose.

 

The alien sneered as he fell back in the kitchen doorway, watching as his enemy took away his remaining companions. How fantastic.

 

Zim’s gaze sank before he turned back to the disaster of a kitchen, gritting his teeth.

* * *

 

“You’re going to stay in here for now, okay? Your _‘Master’_ needs to clean. Here, uh.. have some crayons.” Dib slipped them through the bars.

 

Both robots stared in awe, holding them like the holy grail. Not a moment later, Gir was chewing his.

 

“Uh… yeah. Just be good. I’ll let you out later… maybe.” Dib rolled his eyes, making his way back up the staircase from his father’s lab.

 

Stepping back into the kitchen, Dib kept a cautious eye on the alien as he went for the fridge. Opening it up, Dib found that, well, actually, he did not find any butter at all. Not one scrap of it was left, and he knew that his dad bought butter in bulk. Like, if there was one food in their emergency pantry that would last for seven years during the apocalypse that his dad always talked about, it would be butter.

 

He sighed, grabbing the milk.

 

Zim moved about the room, cleaning as he went with the aid of his spiderlegs, sponges in their grasps. “Eugh,” he scoffed from a simple glance in Dib’s direction.

 

Dib lifted a brow from it, having poured cereal, taking a bite. “What?”

 

“You humans disgust me with your consuming of animal secretions, is all.”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Zim,” the child rolled his eyes. “Humans drink milk from other animals all the time.”

 

“From other animals?” the Irken narrowed his eyes.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Pigs?”

 

“Uh, no! That’s gross! _Cow_ milk! Don’t you see the picture of the cow on here??”

 

“Yes, but.. Why… is it disgusting to consume pig secretions, and not cow?” the Irken challenged.

 

The child scrounged for a response before he fixed Zim with a glare. “I don’t know! Why does this even matter?!” Dib snapped. “Just clean up this disaster you caused and let me eat! I don’t want to go to skool exhausted AND hungry because of you!”

 

“Zim did nothing,” the Irken hmphed, turning his head up as he scrubbed at the primitive stove.

 

Dib watched carefully before returning to his cereal, grabbing another spoonful.

 

The alien hummed innocently, waiting for the right moment to open his mouth again, just as the human started to chew. “Did you know that your filthy Earth food regulators allow a certain amount of pus and blood in every carton package of your precious cow milk?”

 

Dib’s eyes suddenly widened, cheeks puffing in revulsion.

* * *

 

He groaned in sync with his stomach, clutching at his shirt. “Stupid alien,” he grumbled to himself.

 

“Dib! Focus! This is thirty percent of your final grade!!” Miss Bitters hissed over her magazine. “Don’t make me walk eerily about the classroom to look over your shoulders and make you more anxious than you already are!”

 

“I’m not anxious,” Dib retorted. “This stuff is easy. I’m sorry if the general population of the human race is made up of morons,” he mumbled.

 

The comment in the quiet classroom had everyone’s heads snapping in Dib’s direction. A low growl emitted from their teacher’s throat.

* * *

 

“Now, Dib, we know it’s not nice to call your fellow students moronic wastes of space.”

 

“I wasn’t just talking about the students,” the child retorted, deadpanning at the counselor. “Look, I don’t want or need to talk to you. So, give me piles of work, keep me here through lunch, fail me for the semester, whatever! See if I care!”

 

The counselor, stubby and on apparent caffeine withdrawal, twitched. “Well, Dib, I talked to your Dad, and he said - ”

 

“I don’t care what my Dad said!!” the investigator threw his hands in the air. “He doesn’t even know that I exist half the time!!” Dib seethed for moments. “I just want to go home.”

 

“Well, you really should be seeing a medical professional - ”

 

Dib jumped down from the chair, grabbing his shoulder bag. “I already see them enough, thanks. Bye.”

 

The counselor stood at the desk, watching the child walk out on him.

* * *

 

He sighed as he let his bag fall from his arm to the floor, shutting the door behind him. The child took a moment to stand there, staring off at a far wall in thought. Technically, he’s skipping skool. Not like it mattered, though. His knows that his father pays off the board to keep his grades high. He did not fail because of poor work. He failed because of his attitude. How difficult he made it for teachers, and how tense of an environment he made around him in the classroom.

 

“You are home early.”

 

Dib’s gaze shot towards the Irken on his staircase. “Yeah, well.. none of your business,” he scowled. “Is that mine??”

 

Zim sneered, clasping at the oversized shirt, a generic alien head donning it. “No!” he lied. “Zim was sick of not being able to hold anything properly with that - reptile mitten!” He descended the steps slowly. “Stop giving me that look, Earth monkey. It smells like you and Zim is not happy about it.” He glared to himself. “But it will have to do until I can regain control of this despicable situation.”

 

Dib only stared at him, blinking. “Are those my pants?!”

 

“Enough!!” the Irken hissed. “That does not matter! What matters is that Zim is not running around without clothes!” He touched ground on the first floor to quickly approach the human. “Now! You will help Zim take back his base! Equip your little, pathetic spy gears of sneakiness and weapons and accompany me!”

 

“What?! No!! Zim, you can’t just get into something like that without a plan first!! How do you think I break into your base?!”

 

“Without a plan?” the Irken blinked.

 

“Uhm, no,” Dib scowled. “I plan for weeks before I set out to attack! It’s smarter and more efficient than just thinking on the spot.”

 

The Irken flinched, face twisted in disbelief. “Weeks?! How long is that?!”

 

“It’s as long as I said!! Weeks!!”

 

“No!!!”

 

“I’m not lying, Zim! Planning is serious!!”

 

“NO!!!”

 

Dib blinked as he watched his nemesis go down in his tantrum. “Hey!! HEY!! That’s my carpet!!” he snapped, diving to push the Irken away from ripping anything more up.

 

The alien glared from the shove. “Zim does not wish to be here for weeks!! I can hardly stand the hyyy,” he hissed, “UMAN scent of your filthy Dib-room for one _night_!! How could I possibly make it for weeks more?!”

 

“What makes it so unbearable to you?!” Dib clenched his hands. “It’s just a room!!”

 

“Which smells like _you_!!”

 

“Oh, deal with it!!” Dib huffed. “It’s not _my_ fault that your ant feelers or whatever are so sensitive,” the child rolled his eyes, stepping past the Irken to peek into his kitchen.

 

And, the room was surprisingly sparkling. He’s never seen the kitchen that clean before. His family had never cared enough to keep anything in mint condition anyway. It was strange to look at and not see stains lining every surface, to say the least.

 

“Wow,” he let slip, entering the room.

 

The Irken watched as his nemesis dragged a finger over the fridge and counter.

 

“At least you know how to do _one_ thing right.”

 

Zim’s eyes bugged. “One thing?! Certainly many more things!! Cleaning is a standard practice for efficient survival. You would have drowned in your own filth if it were not for Zim!! Feel grateful!!”

 

“Whatever.” Dib shrugged off the remark, grabbing a soda and slice of pizza from the fridge, shutting the door with his foot. “What were you doing upstairs?” he shot a look towards his alien nemesis. “Going through my stuff? My computer files? My Spell Drives?!”

 

“Do not flatter yourself,” Zim sneered. “Only your closet.”

 

“My secret closet?!”

 

“ _Secret_ closet?” the Irken narrowed an eye. “Your clothes are kept in secret? Pfft,” he rolled his eyes. “I would also, if I had _your_ taste in uniforms.”

 

“No!! And there’s nothing wrong with what I wear!!” Dib frowned, glancing to the side temporarily. “It’s at least better than that dress that you always wear!!”

 

“Dress?!” Zim puffed up in rage - not that he knew what a dress exactly was, but he would not tell Dib that - “How DARE you accuse Zim of wearing such a - err - an ill fashion for the Irken body!!”

 

Dib blinked at him, having sat at the kitchen table as he opened his soda. “Whatever, Zim, just leave me alone so I can eat, and - Wait a minute!! No! Stay here! I don’t trust you!!”

 

“You just left me alone for two hours with full access to your father’s lab equipment,” the Irken pointed out.

 

“Yeah, well, I’m home early, aren’t I?!” Dib shot a glare his rival’s way, grabbing the remote.

 

The alien scowled in return, though his lekku perked from the static. He blinked towards the TV, watching the channels flip. He groaned to himself as he caught the opening sequence of Dib’s beloved show, turning in the kitchen doorway.

 

“Hey! I thought I told you to stay in here where I can watch you!”

 

The Irken hissed from the remark, rolling his head on his neck in exasperation. He whipped himself back around, marching up to the table. Yanking a chair from its place, he claimed it, growling to himself as the horrid scent of human pizza food invaded his senses. The deep voice narrating on the screen. And the chewing beside him. The expansion and decompression of lungs. The sickening heartbeat.

 

Dib gave a startled jolt from his Irken nemesis suddenly smacking his own head down onto the table over and over. He blinked, taking another bite. The behaviour wasn’t out of the ordinary, anyway. He was sort of used to it by now.

 

A few head-bashes later, the alien gave up, face connected to the tabletop. He wrapped his arms over, letting out a puff.

 

The child studied momentarily before his eyes fell back on the screen, sipping at his soda can with a soundful slurp.

 

Zim threw his hands in the air, letting out a burst of irritation. “SILENCE YOUR REVOLTING SOUNDS!!” he covered his eyes.

 

“I’m just eating, you stupid lizard!! Ever hear of it?!”

 

“Oh, yes, I hear that it is a common practice for DIB-MONKEYS TO BE EVEN MORE IRRITATING!”

 

“AS IF YOU DON’T EAT?! I’VE SEEN YOU HAVE YOUR CANDY, OR WHATEVER!”

 

“THEY ARE SNACKS!!”

 

Dib nearly ripped out his hair. “Okay!” he took a breath. “Enough!! How are we supposed to work together to get your base back if we can’t even get along?!”

 

“Dib-beast, Zim does not fancy ‘getting along’ with you. The last time I recall us ‘getting along’, you,” he nearly heaved, covering his mouth, “hugged Zim, and I STILL do not feel as clean as I once was!!”

 

“That was all part of the plan!!” Dib snapped. “You think I _wanted_ to hug you?! I’m just as scarred as you are!! You’re a slimy, scaly lizard that smells like a candy store!!”

 

The Irken sneered, “It was _your_ idea!! And all for nothING!! The Keef-monster still lives, and _who_ is he bothering, Dib-stink? Heh?!” the alien hissed. “I do not see primitive gift boxes and filthy chocolates all over YOUR doorstep!!”

 

“Yeah, well, at least he’s not bothering _me_ anymore, that’s all that matters,” Dib took another sip.

 

Zim flared up from that, ready to burst. He gasped as he felt the communication link retract from his PAK.

 

“Zim! Zim, are you okay?! You haven’t threatened me in over twenty four hours and I just wanted to make sure that - ”

 

Dib stared at the green face on the materialized screen.

 

“Uh - hi! How’s it going? So, uhm, Zim, are you being held hostage or - ”

 

“Skoodge, enough!!” Zim snapped. “I thought I told you to never call me again!!”

 

“Yeah, but I was sorta getting lonely out here in the stars where you launched me to die, y’know?”

 

“THAT’S where Skoodge went?! You launched your only Irken ally into space?!” Dib accused.

 

Zim hissed from the yell his way. “See what you do, Skoodge?! You only stir up trouble!!”

 

“He didn’t even do anything wrong!!” the child pointed out. “You’re a horrible monster that should be - !”

 

Skoodge blinked as the communication link was cut, staring at the static. His out-of-fuel, small escape pod drifted slowly through the dark void. He hummed to himself to fill the empty space, then fell silent.

 

Suddenly, he started to beatbox.

* * *

 

Zim hummed in concentration, antennae flat against his skull. His base was still burning. Smoke was travelling for miles above the green home, but the fire department humans were all too stupid to put the fire out at its source. But, their stupidity was Zim’s luck. They were not able to get down into the base with the sheer mess of toxins that would turn their lungs inside out. So, his secret was safe… for now. However, the crowd in the cul-de-sac just seemed to get bigger and bigger. Something that made the alien’s spooch tense.

 

“Zim, Drayne. Drayne, Zim. You’ve met before.”

 

The Irken’s head snapped towards the floating screen, gasping. He quickly covered his head with the blanket, wrapping it around his face. “I thought you agreed to not expose Zim while I am stuck here!!” he screeched. “Turn it off, Dib-wretch!!’

 

“Relax,” the shadowed figure on the screen rolled its eyes. “I’m not recording. Heard your base blew up.”

 

Zim scowled at the figure with the altered voice, eyes moving around before they settled on his nemesis for reference.

 

“He brought Zephyr back with him, and the whole place exploded,” Dib gave his rival a look to give him free speech.

 

“Sabotage?” the figure went on.

 

“What made it _your_ business, floating Dib-drone?!” Zim snapped in return. “Who are you?! Where do you hail from?!”

 

“Uhm, Dib just introduced us? Weren’t you listening?”

 

“Zim has more important things to tend to than to speak nonsense with a blabbering box with red eyes!!”

 

“It’s Drayne, by the way.”

 

“ZIM!” the Irken hissed in challenge, staring the box down. “And listen here, mysterious stink-creature of swollen meatballs.. every ally the Dib-monkey has ever made has either exploded, been launched into space, left him to die, or ended up in the house of madness.”

 

Dib frowned, shoulders drooping. Wow, his life sucked.

 

“So, whatever filthy scheme you two are planning against my amazing self, just know that Zim does not care,” he fixed the screen with an ominous glower. “Because you, too, will end up unimportant in the end. Erased from existence, leaving the Dib-human to defend this sickening planet on his own once again.” The Irken sat back, getting comfortable, Minimoose at his side.

 

“Wow,” Drayne blinked. “And you made it sound like he was a complete moron.”

 

Dib’s mouth, on the other hand, was slack. Shaking himself out of it, he glared. “It - I-I don’t know what that was, but he is!! He’s just creepy like that, sometimes, I guess.”

 

“Uh huh.” Drayne sat there, unamused. “So, why exactly is he lounging on your bed, in your house, without a disguise?”

 

The child sighed. “Look, I know it’s not traditional to house your enemy and all - ”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“But if he ends up kidnapped or something, not that I care - ”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“Then how on Earth am I supposed to expose him and win, if he’s totally missing out of the picture?!”

 

“So, you let him stay with you, and sleep on your bed? If that’s not mercy, I don’t know what is. Where do _you_ sleep, on the couch?”

 

“Listen to me!!” Dib snapped. “This is better than letting him run around rampant, okay?! At least I can watch what he’s doing!!”

 

“Yeah? And what if he gets to your dad’s stuff in the basement? Ever think about that?”

 

“Uhm, duh. My dad has a security lock on it. Only _we_ can access it through a thumbprint.”

 

The alien’s lekku perked at that, scowling their way. “Inferior security measures,” he interrupted. “I already bypassed it. Though, I doubt that your parental unit would be stupid enough as to leave something of actual importance to humanity’s survival within the confines of your basement.” He stuck his candy into the pouch before bringing it back to his mouth.

 

“Well, whatever!! Then there’s nothing left for him to mess with!” Dib gave his paranormal partner a look. “Anyway, I have it under control. Look - Zim’s right there, not destroying anything. I’m right here, still in one piece. Everything is fine.”

 

“Sure,” Drayne furrowed his brow. “Where’s the vampire? Did he ditch Zim or whatever? Did he burn in the fire?”

 

“Uhm, I don’t know, actually.” Dib rubbed at the back of his neck. “I haven’t seen him, but, doesn’t matter.”

 

The Irken kept quiet for once, watching the two momentarily. His gaze eventually fell back on the news, mind wandering.

 

That filthy vampire. He’s caused him trouble that the undead creature wasn’t even worth. The moment that bitey, blood-sucking thing comes back around, he’s going to rip it’s pointy hair from it’s scalp and feed it to him - through it’s stomach.

 

“Zim!!” the Irken’s antennae lifted from the call.

 

“Hem?!

 

“Nothing. Just making sure you weren’t planning anything,” Dib gave an almost innocent smile, if it weren’t for the devilish clench of his lids.

 

The Irken scoffed as his rival returned to his partner on the screen, making a face. Stupid Earth monkeys.

 

“Nyeh.”

 

“Yes, he _is_ very rude, isn’t he?” the alien whispered back.

 

“Nyah, nyeh, nyeh…”

 

“No, we just have to wait until the Dib-monkey decides to stop delaying and helps us take back our base.”

 

“Nyeh?”

 

“You know, Minimoose, sometimes Zim wonders if I actually understand your repetitive squeaking noises, or if I am just fabricating conversations out of sheer loneliness.” The Irken returned his attention to the screen, sucking on the sugary stick.

 

He mindlessly watched the news reporter drone on before he realized the silence in the room he was residing in, slowly eyeing his rival and the floating screen at the desk.

 

They were both staring at him. “Were you just talking to that thing?” Drayne pointed.

 

Zim blinked before his face scrunched up in defense. “Mind your bee hair waxings!!” he snapped, keeping Minimoose close to him.

 

The two investigators watched before giving each other a look.

* * *

 

He was so tired. So… so, tired, he could not even remember what he was trying to search for in the Truthshrieker forums. He knew it had something to do with mutant hog demons, but what about them? And how did he even end up there? What on Earth did a Tokoloshe have to do with a pig?

 

He could feel his lids getting heavy. His head was slowly sinking. Darkness was so appealing right now. He just wanted to shut off the computer.. cuddle up in his nice, warm bed…

 

He jerked as his forehead hit the keyboard, jolting back up in his chair. Turning around, he stumbled out of his seat. Checking on the Irken quickly before exiting the room, he made his way to the bathroom, sighing.

 

He reached for the faucet, letting the water run for a moment as he looked at himself in the mirror. It was not exactly a pleasant sight with the eyebags that were practically tripling, nor the broken blood vessels that occupied his gaze - but he had to stay awake. After the nerve-wracking conversation with Drayne, the older child alerted him to just how many dangers he exposed the Earth to, with Zim having potential access to all of his dad’s machinery and his own hidden within his room. It was dangerous to be housing an enemy, he knew, but he would rather do that than to completely lose one.

 

That sounded kind of weird.

 

Dib splashed his face with the cold water, blinking wide to exercise the underused muscles. Though, his lids only drooped to where they were. This was going to be impossible. He needed to come up with a plan already. The sooner they had this situation under control, the sooner Zim would be out of his house, and… he would be on his own, again… neglected by his family, and… talking to himself.

 

The child stared down at the drain, blinking mindlessly. Wow, his thoughts got pretty depressing when he was tired.

 

Shutting off the faucet, he dried his face with the hand towel before stalking back down the dark hall. He returned to his room, shutting the door.

 

The alien had not moved from his position, thankfully, and was currently doodling? on that weird, alien tablet thing.

 

“Where did you just go?” Zim started.

 

“Bathroom,” Dib grunted, situating himself back at his desk. “Things you wouldn’t understand… I guess.”

 

The Irken blinked at him before his attention fell back on the tablet with a small puff.

 

Dib moaned in exhaustion, wishing to just drop his head in his arms and die right there… but he had to stay awake. No thoughts of sleep. No thoughts of beds, or pillows, or comfort. No thoughts of...

* * *

 

Zim. He was here again. Everywhere Dib turned, the alien would be there. It was nearly, if not completely, impossible to run from him.

 

He was dreaming again. He knew he was.

 

Floating in space. It was quiet, and he was not dead, but he did not seem to be… alive. He was just.. being.

 

“You will have to try harder than that,” came the Irken’s scoff. And there he was, floating beside him. Magenta gaze almost blinding to look into. “You think you can get away so easily? Throwing yourself into space?”

 

“This isn’t space. This is my bedroom,” Dib corrected, and for some reason, it made sense to him in the dreamworld.

 

“With this?” Zim’s bare fingers wafted through the space dust that surrounded the mini planets between them.

 

“Yeah,” the child relaxed, exhaling from the soft, cold stroke of the dust nipping his skin. “I kinda like where you brought me when I was.. you know, your intern-slave, or something.”

 

The alien blinked his bug gaze, furrowing his brow slightly through the planets. “I hate you.”

 

“Hate you more, space bug,” Dib cracked a smile, an evil smirk upon the other’s lips.

* * *

 

He exhaled, shifting slightly before he stretched against the soft cloud beneath him, turning over. So comfortable… warm… It.. wasn’t his desk.

 

Dib’s eyes snapped open, looking about. His room was flooded with a deep hue of purple. Pre-sunrise. But there was a darkness, a shadow over most of his room…

 

His blurry vision searched his surroundings, eyes landing on the green and black splotch in his windowsill.

 

His breath caught in his throat from the glowing Pak pods so close to him, nearly jumping out of his skin.

 

The alien, startled by the sudden movement, smacked against the glass before he braced himself, glaring back at the disturbance. “Pathetic child!” he let out a harsh whisper. “Zim was not doing anything worthy of a fright!!”

 

“You?! _You_ scared _me_! What are you doing in my window?! How did I get over here?!”

 

The Irken grinned in temporary victory before it slowly fell into a sneer. “You crawled into it and told Zim to move over, you simple-minded stink monster,” he scoffed. “And.. what is so wrong with.. analyzing your window up close?!”

 

Dib lifted a brow, narrowing his eyes. Too much to process at once, too little sleep. “Whatever,” he situated himself back underneath his crimson covers, snuggling into the heat. “Just don’t clone me or take out my spleen, or something…” he trailed off, making some mouth sounds before he fell silent.

 

The Invader watched his nemesis fall back into the void, head slowly tilting in wonder. The Dib talked about some strange stuff in his slumber. Mostly about the Irken himself, which seemed somewhat creepy, but he could not quite place why.

 

Zim stared for moments longer before his gaze settled back on the outside world, watching the sky slowly turn red. It was… fascinating. A rising star. Another day on a distant planet. A different sky, a different star system.. different atmosphere… and a disgusting one at that. But still oddly… attractive, in its own ugly way.

 

Dib watched the alien in his window, squinting up at him. What was he even looking at? Was he spying on the neighbors? Watching for nightlife?

 

Whatever it was, he should be keeping an eye on the alien. Who knows what he could be doing when the human race slept?

* * *

 

He hummed as he shifted under the warm covers, stretching before settling back down into his soft imprint. He wished every morning was like this. Relaxation, warmth, no rush to get to a hellhole of idiotic kids and brainwashed teachers…

 

He had turned off his alarm the night prior, convinced that he should keep a better eye on the Invader at home - and his beloved robots. It’s not like he would miss anything, anyway. The alien and him can catch up, or whatever. And by that, he meant just him.. while he falsely informed the Irken about the lessons.

 

Dib cracked a smile in his sleepy state, rolling back over to yawn, eyes slowly opening to the sunlight seeping into his dark room. It was peaceful, for once.

 

But not for too long, because Dib’s pulse started to quicken as his senses knocked on his door. There was an aroma trickling into his room, not at all like the cloud of smoke like the other unfortunate day - but truly an aroma that got his stomach growling.

 

He didn’t hear any screams. No racket. Nothing but the scent of heavenly cooking that he has never known before. Dib pushed the deep covers away, being sure to throw on his trench coat over his alien pajamas. Not just to keep warm on the tad icy morning, but because he felt better concealing himself in a shroud of black around his nemesis. It gave him more… confidence.

 

Stepping down the hall and stairwell, the child took his time to tiptoe, peeking his head down through the railing in attempt to catch the mystery chef lurking in his kitchen.

 

However, all he could see was the television from this angle, the volume on low as a man with a microphone blabbed on.

 

Dib made his way towards the kitchen doorway, clutching at the sides of the entrance to peer in. He knew it couldn’t have been Gir. Dib had banned him from using anything in it, after all. And he didn’t quite think that Zim’s purple balloon thing with horns would have been able to do anything useful with those tiny nubs of his. So, the only logical - but highly unimaginable - conclusion as to who was exactly whipping up such pleasant, yet alien scents in his kitchen would have to be…

 

“More! More! More!!” Gir demanded, banging the table with his fork and knife in a chant. His tiny, purple friend joined him, syrup around its mouth.

 

The alien sneered, jabbing the spatula in their direction. “What do you say?!”

 

“Taquitos!”

 

“Nyeh!”

 

He rolled his eyes. “Fine, Zim will make more,” the Irken announced, gaining a cheer from the robots. He returned his attention to the stove, however, a presence in the doorway stole it away.

 

Dib had been idly gawking, jaw dropped.

 

Zim blinked hard, trying to compute. What was the human going to yell about _this_ time?

 

The Irken was standing there at his stove.. in Gaz’s stockings, and in one of her shirts! And where on Earth did he get the apron?! Should he feel offended by how comfortable the alien was getting in his house and home?!

 

Dib’s mouth slowly shut. “Uh… morning?”

 

“The early hours of sunrise, as I have understood,” Zim watched before skillfully flipping the pancake over with a flick of his wrist. “What about it?” he scoffed.

 

“It was a greeting,” the human rolled his eyes, slowly lurking around his nemesis to stand on the other side of him, observing quietly.

 

“Hiya, Mary!!!”

 

“Nyeh, nyeh!!”

 

“Hi,” Dib spoke offhandedly, not really taking his eyes off of his nemesis at _his_ stove.

 

The distant word aimed at him, yet directed at his minion got the Irken’s nerves up, magenta gaze trailing to the human not too far from his station. As soon as he had made eye contact, however, he backed down, trying his best to focus on the sizzling pancake under his spatula.

 

“Where did _you_ learn to cook?” Dib bluntly pried, crossing his arms.

 

“None of _your_ business!”

 

“It IS my business if _you’re_ involved!”

 

“Not _everything_ Zim does is your business!!”

 

“Awwe, Mary and Zim are friends ‘til the ennnd,” Gir drawled. Such a comment had Minimoose snickering, squeak-style.

 

“ _We are not friends!!!_ ” the rivals hissed in unison.

 

The minions stared at them before reverting back into their giggle tantrum.

 

The alien rolled his eyes, scooping out the flappy, cooked batter and setting it aside to pour his next victim.

 

Dib watched the alien do such a humanly thing that it was almost surreal. His built up perspective of the Invader was being torn down second by second. An all-powerful Irken, with an army behind him, residing in his kitchen.. making.. pancakes. The very _thought_ of the thought was mind-blowing! Was he talking aloud?

 

Because the alien was staring at him again. Or rather, glaring. It was a little eerie, actually. The child in trench coat put his hands up, furrowing his brow. He took a few steps away for security before he decided to join the robots at his table, sitting across from them, his back to the television. He watched his rival with a careful eye, looking past the munching robots. He placed his cheeks in his hands, staring his enemy down with a more focused gaze. “Where’d you get the clothes?” he tested.

 

The alien sneered, stiffening. “Your sibling’s room, where else?” he snapped. “Certainly not from yours, you foul hairbeast.”

 

“Hey!! You were wearing _my_ clothes yesterday!” Dib grimaced from the tongue stuck out at him, deadpanning as he dropped his chin in his arms over the table. Perking up slightly again to uncover his mouth, he parted his lips, “you look like a girl.” Satisfied with his own rather childish remark, he planted himself again, watching for competition.

 

Zim’s antennae flicked momentarily, though he did not seem to react further. The alien continued his task instead, flipping the pancake unceremoniously, the thing landing directly on the collecting stack off to the side.

 

Dib blinked in his observation, and before he knew it, there was a plate slamming down in front of him. The pancakes slapped back down into place, a fork, knife, and napkin placed neatly, cup of milk at the corner of the setup.

 

The robots released shrieks and whines, trying to grab at the plate.

 

“NO!” the alien snapped, smacking the spatula down before them. “The Dib-monster did not eat any yet!! Have patience, you wretched robot!!” he sneered. “Not you, Minimoose.”

 

Minimoose squeaked in return, sitting back in its spot on the table.

 

Gir, however, made a sound of irritation.

 

Dib narrowed his eyes, jaw slack. “Excuse me? Did I hear you right? These are for _me_?” the human looked over the display before him, brow furrowed.

 

The alien gave him a mocking gasp. “No, certainly not! They are for the _other_ Dib-human sitting in your chair!” He suddenly flared. “OF COURSE FOR YOU! My research indicates that you filthy humans need to eat on a daily basis to have the proper strength, and Zim needs a Dib-human that is not made of noodles and jello for our plan!! Now SHOVE those flat cakes of death into your speech-hole and prevent choking accidents at all costs!!” He pointed his spatula. “Syrup! Fork! Knife! Cow secretions! Mouth! NOW!”

 

The human shut his mouth finally, blinking hard. “Okay, okay!!” he snapped back. “But these better not be laced with alien toxins, or something just as evil!!”

 

“They taste like pigs wrapped in cozy, squishy blankets of lurrrrve,” Gir drooled.

 

That was not a sight Dib wanted to see. He stared as he poured the syrup on, maybe a bit too much - but he cautiously went to take a bite as he watched the alien who had returned to the stove. Chewing suspiciously, his eyes took his nemesis in, studying for any clues of potential poisonings, but, as the moments dragged on, Dib’s fork came into contact with an empty plate. He blinked down to it, widening an eye.

 

Wow. He didn’t even realize how much he was eating until it was gone. That’s how amazing they were. They just seemed to vanish. He didn’t expect his psychotic enemy to know how to cook so well. Better than him, if he was being honest. Which he wouldn’t admit.

 

“They were okay,” he scoffed in denial, grabbing the glass of milk. “I’ve had better.”

 

“Surely not better than rat poisoning,” the Irken sent a sly smile his way.

 

Dib spit the milk, coughing. “WHAT?!”

 

The alien grinned innocently, and Dib swore he saw a halo hover over him. “Gullible meat-sac,” he sneered.

 

The human clenched his teeth from the smug remark, grabbing his fork and whipping it. “You jerk!!”

 

Zim snatched the utensil out of the air before it could hit him, and he smirked victoriously as his nemesis escaped the room in obvious defeat. “HA! Stinking human,” he commented to himself. “No one can defeat Zim!! NO ONE!!”

 

“MORE! MORE! MORE!” the robots cried.

 

“PATIENCE, YOU SICKENING PILES OF METAL!!”

 

“Nyeh!”

 

“Not you, Minimoose.”

 

“Nyah,” the small doomsday device smiled.

 

Gir’s eyes flashed red, vision carrying to his companion, and lasers suddenly shot out to erase his friend’s plate from existence.

 

Minimoose blinked from the hole in the table, squeaking in confusion.

* * *

 

“Zim does not follow the logic of your _barbaric_ plan,” the Irken snapped. “How is ZIM supposed to sneak past all of those ffffFILTHIES without my disguise?! ARE YOU MAD?!”

 

“WOW, I wish you had a mute button!!” Dib sneered over the paper they were huddled around. “It’ll be fine! Just throw on some goggles or whatever and they won’t even know! And you’re short, anyway, so it shouldn’t be a problem - ”

 

“ZIM is not short!”

 

Dib grunted from the punch, covering his cheek. “HEY! That was uncalled for!!”

 

“You are foolish if you think Zim will go through with this horrific plan! I refuse to go anywhere _near_ those cameras without a proper disguise!!”

 

“Relax, we’re - !”

 

“DO NOT TELL ZIM TO RELAX, YOU DISGUSTING, WORM BAB- MPH!!’ the Irken’s eyes bugged from the bundled shirt blocking his voice box. He immediately flailed and spit the thing out, hacking.

 

Dib sneered, “Well, you deserved it!! Stop opening your mouth if you don’t want things shoved in it!!”

 

The alien flared, glowering. “You DARE threaten an Irken Inva - ?!”

 

“Geez, Zim! Just drop it!! We’re trying to plan here!!”

 

He blinked in return, glancing down to the scribble between them before an antenna perked. “Drop what?” he looked back up.

 

Dib stared, face slowly dropping. “Forget it,” he deadpanned. “Can you just pay attention already? I’m trying to help you here.” He chewed his cheek in irritation. “Look, we can sneak past the cameras if we just throw on some gear and hang low. No one will notice. They’ll be too focused on the commotion up front. We’ll sneak past them, sabotage the fire trucks, then, while the police are distracted, we’ll sneak inside your base and - well, that’s where you come in.” He scratched at the back of his head.

 

The Irken squinted, eyes darting around his rival’s face. “Is this another one of your traps?” he blurted.

 

“No!! Zim, come on, that’s ridiculous!!”

 

“Is not! Zim does not trust you! How do I know you will not just expose me in front of all of those people?!”

 

Dib blinked, allowing himself to indulge in the suggestion, but - he snapped back to reality. “Zim, we’re …” he shifted a bit awkwardly, “working together in this. I’m not exposing you today.” He pointed in the alien’s face. “But someday soon!! So, don’t get too comfortable!!”

 

“Whatever, Dib-stink,” he sneered. “Let us make this hasty. Any longer staying in this wretched prison and I think I will lose my sanity,” he upturned his chin snobbishly.

 

“Yeah, well, that makes the both of us,” the human scowled back. Actually, it was kind of nice having someone around. Irritating as the alien was, he sort of… liked the company. Gaz never wanted to be around him, and his father only returned once every other week, maybe even in a few months at times - and was even too busy then to spend time with him. So, besides the interaction with classmates who hated him and the online “friends” - people who battled him over his theories - Zim was the only one who he could barely hold up a conversation with. If it weren’t for the alien coming here to destroy them -

 

Dib shook his head of the thoughts, refocusing. “Anyway, we should leave at nightfall, when it’s easier to blend in. The darkness should be able to conceal us further, besides, you know, dressing in black and all.”

 

“Yes, yes, death and the ugly clothes,” the alien scoffed, rolling over onto his back - well, as best he could with that metal bug shell or whatever of his, hand wagging in the air. “Just remind me to destroy you once we are through with this filthy idea of yours.”

 

“You need a reminder for that?” Dib smirked.

 

The Irken shot an upside down glare. “No.”

 

“Then why did you just - ?”

 

The alien shot up again. “Forget it, Dib-brain! We have a plan. We need to wait. No further discussion!!”

 

“Uh huh.” Dib deadpanned at him. They sat there, unmoving. He eyed the corner of his room from where a cricket seemed to chirp quietly, but his stare quickly squandered the sound out of existence. “So… uhm… Card game?”

 

The alien looked his way, narrowing an eye.

* * *

 

“HA! ZIM WINS AGAIN!!”

 

“You didn’t even win!! That’s just ONE CARD you topped! The whole object of the game is whoever loses all of their cards, well - loses!! So, you haven’t even won yet!”

 

“Every card Zim beats is one step closer to winning the WAR, Earth-slug!” The alien sneered as he threw down his top card. “Face Zim’s card or drown in your revolting salt deposits!!”

 

Dib made a face, flipping his top card as well. “Oh, hey! Look at that, we both have a seven!”

 

The Irken proceeded to stare, blinking hard. He processed, but clearly not well as he eyed his nemesis for reference.

 

“You know, it’s a war,” the child furrowed his brow. He then started to place cards face down.

 

Immediately, the alien began to copy. “Zim’s seven is better,” he scoffed. “It is red.”

 

“Black is better,” Dib childishly retorted.

 

“YOU LIE!”

 

“Ha! King! Beat that, Zim!!”

 

The Invader puffed his cheeks, not quite understanding the taunt - Dib’s had to tell him each time which card beats which - but he flipped his own card to stare down at it.

 

The young investigator immediately broke out into laughter.

 

Zim’s antennae drooped from the familiar sound, observing their cards. “Did Zim win?” he tested.

 

“Pffft,” Dib sat back up, shoveling the cards into his pile. “You had a two, Zim. You lost. Kings beat twos,” he rubbed it in with a sneer.

 

The alien glared in return, teeth grinding. “You keep changing the rules!!” he snapped with an accusing finger.

 

“No, I don’t! What are you talking about?!”

 

“Uh huh! You said that TENS beat twos!! Now you say KINGS beat twos! You are cheating, Dib-cheater!!”

 

“What?! Zim, that’s how the game is played!”

 

“By cheating?!”

 

“No!! Don’t you ever listen?! I said that bigger cards beat the smaller cards!”

 

“These paper squares are all the same size!!” Zim defended, to which the human rolled his eyes.

 

“Look, we can play another game if you don’t like this one.”

 

Zim threw the cards down in confirmation, leaving the human to clean them up. “Tell more of your stupid human games and Zim will pick.”

 

Dib was not surprised from the lonely task, collecting the discarded deck. “Okay, well, there’s always Spotlight, I Spy, Charades - ”

 

“Charades?” the alien perked, tilting his head. “Chemical warfare from the thirty second galaxy of Quan?”

 

“Huh?” Dib scratched at his head. “Uhm, no. Charades is a game where you pretend to be something and the other person has to guess.”

 

“What is the sense in that?” the alien glared, standing to reclaim his throne on Dib’s bed, staring him down. “Is there a prize? What happens when you win?”

 

“Uh… nothing, I guess. I mean, you’re smart if you can guess every round, but that’s pretty much it.”

 

“ _Zim_ is smart!” The Irken narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms. “We will play this game! Stand and pretend!” he barked.

 

“Okay, okay! Geez! Hold on!” Dib gathered up the remaining cards, shoving them into the box. “Bossy,” he hissed under his breath.

 

“Zim heard that,” the alien scowled.

 

“Whatever.” Dib tossed the small box onto his desk, approaching the Irken. He stood for moments, eyes searching for an idea.

 

“A Dib-monkey,” Zim threw out there.

 

“No.”

 

“Stupid.”

 

“ _No!_ ”

 

“A tree?”

 

“Stop guessing! I haven’t even thought of anything yet!”

 

“So, stupid, then.” Zim smirked victoriously from the smoldering gaze. “Zim wishes to pretend!” he announced, standing to shove the child back to the bed.

 

“Hey!!”

 

The alien dropped on all fours, lekku pulled back. He bared his teeth, letting out a ferocious - well, trying to be - growl.

 

The human held his chin in a hand, lounging, big smirk on his face. “A bug trying to growl like a dog?”

 

Zim scowled, looking over him. “No!” he snapped, antennae bristling in defense. “Zim wins?”

 

“You didn’t win anything,” Dib countered. “You have to keep going until I guess correctly.”

 

“That is a pathetic rule,” the alien upturned his chin. He then continued his act, clawing at the deep carpet. “Grrr,” he ground out.

 

“An angry bean.”

 

Zim drooped from the laughter, glaring. “You are terrible at this!!”

 

“More like not trying,” Dib smiled a wicked smile.

 

The Irken studied vaguely. “Then begin trying so we may progress, you vile pig-weasel!!”

 

Dib watched his nemesis grow more and more irritated as time went on, unable to help the smile from growing, giddy with evil. “Oh, wait, wait. I think I got it.” He waved his hand before he grinned again. “Spinach in a dress.”

 

Zim hissed as his rival broke out in hysterical laughter. “Why do you laugh at Zim?!” he snapped. “I am playing like you told me!!”

 

“Yeah, and you also look ridiculous,” Dib stuck his tongue out to blow, though he screamed in alarm from the pounce. “Ow!! That’s my face!! Ow, ow, ow!!!”

 

Zim slashed a few more times before he glowered down at the human’s face that was crushed between his legs.

 

“That hurt, you jerk!!”

 

“Zim was not trying to soothe you, by any means!!”

 

Dib tightened his jaw before he shouted, gripping the alien’s legs and flipping them - which sent them with a DROP back to the floor. “You stupid alien!!” he seethed, crawling up his body to attack.

 

The Irken cringed from the fist, immediately turning himself over to launch the human back with a bash, crawling towards the door, beginning to scramble up - but he was knocked right back down, and he hissed from the familiar weight, screaming blasphemies.

 

The human tugged hard with the feelers in his grasp, keeping the Irken in a chokehold. “Who’s stupid now?!” he snapped.

 

The alien growled, twitching in the hold. He despised the fact that Dib had learned to pinpoint what caused him to tick and keel over the months of knowing him - he had erased some things, but after that last time of almost getting blundered by Dib’s white blood cells, he had vowed to never mess with entering his nemesis’s vessel as a microscopic organism ever again. He should have learned from the first time. But, at least he never told Dib of the second! That was an improvement, right?

 

Dib cried out from the scare of metal limbs snaking out rapidly beneath his chest, and the lift into the air. He wrapped his legs around the alien’s middle immediately, shouting in fear. “Hey!! That’s no fair!!”

 

“Let go - !!” Zim choked out, clawing at the arm. “Or I’ll crush you!!”

 

Dib glared, releasing the chokehold to hold the alien’s antennae like reigns. “There!! Now YOU get rid of your creepy arm things!” Actually, they were pretty cool - but he would never admit that out loud. Maybe to himself, when he was alone. Maybe.

 

Zim growled something actually ferocious as he battled the grip, spiderlegs running and stumbling around the room in conjunction with the pressure on his feelers.

 

Dib grunted as his side slammed into a wall, hissing inward. “Stop that!! Just let us down already!! This isn’t helping us!!”

 

The Irken’s mechanical limbs continued whipping and flailing out of control, the alien acting blinded as he rushed them straight into the window, face-first.

 

Dib cringed from the horrid sound it made and the shake of the glass. He opened an eye, and he yelped as they fell, gravity sending him back down onto his bed, mattress bouncing him.

 

Zim rolled over out of the weakened grasp, down for the count, spiderlegs strewn around them, some hanging from the bed. He weakly twitched, antennae limp.

 

The child sat up, rubbing at his shoulder. “Man, Zim, I think you dislocated my shoulder,” he frowned, trying to move it.

 

Not receiving a response, he looked back over to his rival, who, if anyone were to guess, was sleeping. Despise his throbbing arm, he leaned over to carefully inspect the limbs he had targeted through their struggle. Finally, he had a chance to touch them. Just one stroke -

 

The alien’s arm shot up, fingers gripping at the child’s wrist. _Crack!_

* * *

 

Dib sat there, glaring as he wrapped up his wrist with a bandage - with his teeth. His other arm was limp. “You’re an idiot, you know that?”

 

The Irken held a covered ice pack to his head, scoffing. “Zim was only playing a game before _you_ initiated battle!”

 

“Uh, reality check? I’m not the one who jumped first!”

 

“You lie!!” Zim snapped, slamming the ice pack down.

 

“Aww, does Mastah wanna lollipop?” Gir held out the oversized candy, shaking it as if to taunt.

 

“Not now, Gir!’ the alien scolded. “Go watch television, or something!! Leave the Dib and I to suffer alone!!”

 

“Where did you even get that?” Dib pointed out.

 

Gir stared at him, face slowly breaking out into a smile. He giggled hysterically, running out of the kitchen, lollipop in hand.

 

The child blinked, furrowing his brow before he turned his attention to his nemesis. “What does he even help you with?”

 

“Nevermind that!” Zim hissed. “Fix your arm or cut it off and grow a new one so we may follow through with this amateur plan of yours tonight!”

 

“I’m not a salamander,” Dib sneered. “And I can’t! I think I need to go to the hospital or something, I can’t pop it back in without professional help!”

 

Zim glowered, eyes narrow. He searched the room with his eyes before he scowled. “No hospital jello needed for this! Just allow Zim!” He jumped down from the chair.

 

“Huh?!” Dib reeled slightly in his seat. “No!! I don’t trust you, you screw everything up, you alien lizard!!”

 

“Nonsense! Zim studied medical things!” He approached, gripping at Dib’s arm.

 

“NO!” the child kicked him, chair flopping over. “Ngh!! I don’t care WHAT kind of training you had, humans are different from Irkens!” he hissed. “You could rip off my arm!!”

 

“Foolish worm-child,” Zim sneered. “Bones are bones! If you move the same as Zim in terms of skeletal capability, then this should be no different to fix!”

 

Okay, maybe the alien was making a fair point, but still! It was scary!! “Get away from me!!!” Dib argued regardless, kicking at the nearing alien in defense. “Stop!! Don’t test me, space boy!!”

 

Zim glowered. “We do not have time for ill-trained doctors!” he tackled, crushing Dib’s face under his foot as he wrestled the child, growling and gripping the limp arm.

 

“HEY!! GET OFF OF ME!! LET GO!! DON’T - ! NYAH!!!”

 

The Irken, after hearing a satisfying crack, released the arm, removing himself. “There! No hospital! Now enough pathetic whines for one day!”

 

Dib sat up, testing the movement. Well, it wasn’t numb like before. “Whatever,” he stood, turning from the alien as he continued to roll his shoulder in experimentation.

 

The alien smirked victoriously, humming. “Did Zim hear an apology? I do not - ” He furrowed his brow, tilting his head, having caught a mysterious drip. “Are you crying?”

 

“It hurt, okay?!” Dib snapped, rubbing at his eyes with a sleeve, putting his glasses back into place. “Excuse _me_ if my body isn’t as endurant as yours!”

 

Zim blinked, processing. He tried to grin, but the thing shook and collapsed miserably. “Err - Did you… want a succulent, yet poisonous Earth candy on a stick?” he attempted.

 

“No,” the child sniffed as casually as he could. Wow, this was awkward. “Let’s just get our equipment ready for later.”

 

The alien watched his nemesis leave the kitchen, observing the mess of bandages and bottles of - what were they called? Rubbing Al-ko-haul?

 

Dib’s head popped back into the doorway. “’Let’s’ means the both of us, you know,” he sneered.

 

“Zim knows that,” he followed after, ditching the fallen chair.

 

“Right.”

* * *

 

_“Paul, no!! You betrayed me!!”_

 

_“But I thought you said you liked vampires! I was just trying to be honest with you!”_

 

 _“I didn’t mean_ that _! I meant that you drank the blood of your ex last week!! I thought you said_ I _was your first blood!”_

 

Gir exhaled with a small hum, curled up in the light of the blaring television. His robotic arms snuggled the small, purple Doomsday device closely - the two peaceful on the burnt orange sofa as the dramatic voices continued on low.

 

Dib descended the stairs, backpack slung over his good shoulder. “So, remember the plan?”

 

The alien jumped from one step to another in sheer boredom, holding the railing for stability. “Yes, yes, stay close and quiet,” Zim rolled his eyes. “But, what Zim really does not understand is why you have two of these suit things,” he pulled at the elastic fabric to observe.

 

Dib reached the floor, sneaking behind the sofa to the kitchen doorway. “It’s just in case my first one got lost, or destroyed, or whatever.” He went for the fridge handle, pulling it open, the light pouring into the dark kitchen. “And just in case Gaz ever wanted to go on a mission with me. You never know if she’ll come around.”

 

“I very much doubt that,” Zim scoffed, watching his rival break the tab of his Poop Cola and start chugging it. He studied, tilting his head before he pointed. “What does that taste like?”

 

“Like artificially-flavoured carbonated water,” Dib continued to chug before it was all gone, crushing the can.

 

“Sounds highly unappetizing,” the Irken sneered, eyeballing the human who moved to throw out the can before passing him back out of the kitchen.

 

“It’s not supposed to be,” the human gave him a look, going for the front door. He paused from the sudden clutch to his arm, eyeing the alien with a furrowed brow.

 

“What if we get caught?” the Invader inquired, watching for doubt. “Zim does not wish to be kidnapped and interrogated by those scary news reporters.”

 

“They don’t do that,” Dib rolled his eyes. “And aren’t you supposed to be the positive one?”

 

The Irken glared at him. “Fine! But if we _do_ get caught, know that I shall throw you in harm’s way to preserve my own safety.”

 

“I know. And you’re a moron for telling me that.” Dib shut the door behind them, and immediately, they were hit with the scent of smoke. “But I get it. You’re the one in danger here, so I’ll forgive you this time, if it ever comes to that, which it won’t.”

 

“But if it does - ”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

“...Just to clarify.”

 

“I get it.”

 

The Irken hummed in doubt from the human’s claims.

 

“Look, believe what you want, except if it’s about flying cows, or - walking trees, or - haunted doorknobs, because those are fake, but you gotta trust me this once, okay?”

 

The alien was silent for a good while as they made their way down the sidewalk in the direction of the darkest patch of smoke cloud hanging over the sky. Well, until he opened his mouth again, that is. “Zim has seen some trees walk before - ”

 

“Come on, I think I can see the crowd from here!”

 

Zim grunted as they took to a sprint, the two running off down the dark street.

 

The vampire peeked from behind an unlit streetlamp, eyes following.

* * *

 

“We are now trying to utilize the dogs as a means of putting out the flames. The good news is that very minuscule fires have been tamed - the bad news is that the overall house is still giving off explosions from what appears to be radioactive materials, as one of the police dogs were reduced to a skeleton before it could put out another flame. Ladies and gentlemen, what a tragic day for the police force...” The reporter pressed the bluetooth speaker in her ear, looking back towards the chaos. “Oh! Looks like the other dogs have started to play with the skeleton out of sheer trauma! How delightful!”

 

Dib passed the woman on film, avoiding eye contact. Those people were like mosquitoes when it came to interviewing witnesses. And usually, he would be up for being on camera like that, but this was totally different. He had an alien to… _save._

 

Said alien was on edge, looking about the crowd that they wormed their way through. He had so much information stored on his computer… so much of it that he had to recover. A year’s worth of research, recorded experiments, all of his progress - potentially gone. He had a ton of work ahead of him.

 

He allowed Dib to lead them, avoiding prolonged eye contact with any living being. The cul de sac was absolutely filled with humans - this place looked like a carnival, or worse - an airport!! With running children, and so much chatter, the smoke heavy in the air.

 

Zim’s head swam from the bursting activity, senses swept out from underneath him. The overbearing scents. All of the alien language. Camera flashes. The walls closing in. He followed by the grip in a daze, shielded eyes fluttering.

 

Dib dragged the struggling alien along, focus on the police tape ahead. “Look, Zim! The firetrucks! Let’s split up and sabotage their engines so we can - Zim?” The child looked back to the deadweight, finding his nemesis passed out in his hand. He cringed, shaking the Irken immediately. “Zim! What’s the matter with you?! Get up, we’re in the middle of a plan here!!”

 

A sudden gasp from a woman. “Is that little boy alright?!”

 

Dib jerked from the sudden space cleared around them. He immediately grabbed his nemesis up, desperate to escape the attention. “He’s fine!! He’s just a little - car sick!” he spilled, nearly facepalming as he ran from the gazes.

 

“Hey!! That little boy needs medical attention!!” she cried after him, heads turning. “Police!! Police!!!”

 

Dib ran for his life through the forest of legs, panting. No!! Why on Earth did the alien jerk have to pull this stunt _now_ ?? Why couldn’t he wait for more convenient times, like passing out in class, or during field trips, where his vulnerability was _welcome_?!

 

“There! He went that way!!”

 

“Someone rescue that freaky green kid!!’

 

“Did you say green?!”

 

“It’s the alien!!” a woman roared. “He’s come back to us! Hurry before he escapes on another UFO!”

 

“Where?! Where is it?!” Bill shoved the woman aside, lowering his sunglasses to search the crowd. Immediately, he ran off, pushing people left and right. “I’ll get you, magical cow-tamer!!”

 

“Hey!!” An older man pointed after the investigator. “He’s trying to get our aaalien!” he drawled.

 

The news reporter watched the chase through the crowd before she turned back to the camera, wide smile donning her face. “This very serious house fire seems to have spread mad cow disease amongst the crowd! But don’t worry, folks, I’ll be here until the very end. covering this juicy story for you to listen in without ever having to get up to be be in the real world, experiencing the dangers of - Hey!!”

 

The shorter woman in glasses and alien headband smiled sweetly, tilting the microphone her way. “I met it once. It was such a small, green angel who wished to tear our eyes from our sockets…”

 

The reporter stared before kicking the lady out of shot with a heel. “We’ll be back after the weather!”

Dib panted as he ducked behind the fire truck, sitting down to catch his breath. “Zim!” he snapped, violently shaking the Irken by his shoulders. “Get up already!!” He backhanded the alien, growling in frustration.

 

The slap caused Zim to shoot awake. “NO MORE RUBBER DUCKY TIME!” he screeched, then slowly settled from his nemesis before him. “Dib? What are you - where are - ” His eyes lifted to the madness that was his base, water flying everywhere over the resenting flames, dogs tearing up the yard and playing with a skull - gnomes in tatters, his “I ❤️ Earth” sign burnt to a crisp - flamingo headless!

 

He nearly fainted again until Dib gave him another good slap. “Listen, you idiot! We’re in the middle of a mission here, and you nearly had us caught! They’re looking for us and we need to make a distraction NOW! Stay here and sabotage the engine with whatever alien gadgets you have while I take care of the other! Understand?!”

 

Zim blinked at him, then grunted from the next slap, rubbing his face. “Yes, yes, whatever!! Leave Zim to this!” he scoffed. Another blink, and the child was ditching him, sneaking his way behind the other truck. “Stupid human,” he hissed to himself. “Touching Zim’s amazing face with his disgusting, bologna-tack hand,” he mocked, ripping a panel off the side of the truck. He didn’t really know which wires to pull, exactly, but when in doubt, destroy it all!

 

Zim grinned maniacally from the plan, grabbing all of the wires he could fit into his claws - and then…

 

A nudge.

 

Zim jerked from the touch, turning his head back to a…

 

The alien screamed in horror, ripping the wires out and running hysterically. “DOG!!!’ he cried in alarm, running beneath the wild hoses and jumping over flames and sparks, rushing right back into the sea of humans.

 

Dib looked up from his work from the scream, face warping in distress. “ZIM!” he shouted after him, shoving his tools back into his bag and chasing after him. “ZIM, COME BACK, YOU’LL RUIN EVERYTHING!!” he dodged legs, shoving his way through. He grunted as he smacked right into someone in all black, rubbing his poor bottom as he peered up at the tall male.

 

“You!” Bill pointed down to him. “Perfect! Those aliens we’ve tried to catch, they’re back and they’re clearly trying to make the fire of this house bigger! See?? That fire truck is out of control! Grade A Sabotage, my friend.”

 

“Yeah, uhm, that’s nice,” Dib picked himself up. “Look, I gotta go, doing important things!”

 

“Not as important as this! Come on!! We need to track down that alien before those freaks do! Nice gear, by the way!”

 

“Nyah!!” Dib clawed at the grip around his wrist. “ZIM!!!” he screamed into the crowd, body dragged by the taller investigator.

 

The alien skidded to a stop from the voice, but - there were too many. And too many gazes. And the cameras, the suffocation!! He felt himself grow dizzy again, though pushed himself to move. Where had Dib gone? Was this his plan?? To get him lost and confused, and eventually exposed?! He never should have trusted that dirt child!!

 

Stupid, filthy, meat-brained, card game-cheating, pancake-eating - !” He squeaked from the sudden grab, turning himself around to face his captor - the woman who had battled him over his Voot carrier!! “YOU!” he hissed.

 

“Wow!” she exasperated. “You’re exactly as I remember you!”

 

The Irken cringed from the many eyes.

 

“THE ALIEN HAS RETURNED!” she announced, holding him up in all of his glory, the very action attracting more hands - those creepy UFO worshippers!

 

“GYAHH!” he battled them, wrestling their hands. “NO! GET OFF OF ME!!” Zim cried, wrenching his body from the grip. He fended off the many hands, barely escaping from the clutch on his hood - there was a frightening rip, and he was running again - gasps ringing in his feelers everywhere he turned.

 

“There seems to be a disturbance in the crowd!” the news reporter peered from the separation. “Looks like they’re chasing someone! Could be the police dogs rebelling, as our society doesn’t actually pay them for their labour! Let’s hope this isn’t a doggy apocalypse, folks!”

 

The alien burst from the crowd, looking left and right before he spotted the camera.

 

“Oh my goodness!” the woman with microphone shrieked. “It looks like a giant cockroach has emerged from the scene!”

 

Zim glared, making it a point to run straight at the camera man, grabbing the expensive equipment and smashing it.

 

The camera-less man stared, gaping as the Irken glared daggers before perking, then scampering off.

 

“It went this way!! I saw it run this way!!” the old man in black panted as he finally broke through the sea of people. Fellow worshippers on his tail, they all stopped short to stare at - nothing. No alien in sight. A man sobbing over a shattered camera, woman with microphone patting him on the back, others surrounding with their hats taken off in mourning.

 

Bill pushed the man aside, scowling. “You let it get away?” he snapped.

 

Dib looked up to the adult spat. He hated these alien people. They always sent him these stupid fliers about alien awareness, and, yeah, it was cool at first - but once he actually attended one of their conventions, he was bombarded by freaks that insisted on some stupid hat, instead of just a regular tag around his neck like he was used to. It would have covered his hair, anyway, so when he refused the “initiation”, they called it, he was kicked out of a PUBLIC AREA.

 

After sneaking back in and catching them worshipping some weird alien shrine of sorts that looked vaguely familiar, he ended up calling the police on them… sort of out of spite, sort of fear. Anyhow, the police trashed their convention since they didn’t have a permit to hold it in the first place. They even took the woman who seemed to be running it to jail because she tried to hijack one of their cop cars.

 

That was a weird day.

 

Dib’s face fell as the screaming match dragged on. Wait a minute - why was he still standing there? Bill had let go of him!!

 

Immediately seizing the opportunity, the child ran, though not too far - he had no idea where Zim could have gone. The alien was a wild card, sometimes. Well, most of the time. And that’s what made his unpredictability predictable. He deadpanned, only walking a few more paces. And, of course. He knew his enemy would be stupid enough to stay in the area.

 

Zim was currently shaking behind a garbage can and bushes. The alien glanced his way, blinking in observation.

 

Dib only stared, unamused. He began to walk, pinching his brow in frustration.

 

The Irken eventually stood to follow, covering his antennae from the night air.

* * *

 

“So, you said you sabotaged one of the fire trucks?”

 

“Yeah, we were supposed to do it at the same time, but Zim freaked out from the water, I guess. One fire engine lost control, but it didn’t help us any. There was so much chaos, I guess something on top of it wasn’t very distracting.”

 

“Well, that sucks.”

 

“...Yeah. Didn’t really go as I pictured it.” Dib sulked at his desk, blinking, more than defeated.

 

“Wow, uh, that’s… tough,” the shadowed figure coughed on screen. “Well, do you have another plan cooked up, or - ?”

 

“NO!”

 

Dib snapped his head in the alien’s direction behind him. The floating screen moved to the side to see.

 

“Zim will not fall for your tricks any longer, Dib-dolt!” The Irken pointed from the bed, some snack wrappers falling from the sheets.

 

“Tricks?! What are you talking about?!”

 

“Is he stress eating?” the dark figure pointed out.

 

“Do not act innocent, you foul hair-beast!! You have been trying to get Zim exposed this entire time! Admit it, you dirt child!!”

 

“Zim, that’s crazy! I mean, not really, it would probably be the smart thing to have done, but I told you I would _help_ you get your base back!” He scowled. “Even though you’re a jerk, and it has nothing to do with me.”

 

“YOU LIE! If you had never tried to save that filthy vampire from his execution - !”

 

“Which I was bringing him back HERE to kill him off myself!! You don’t know the first thing when it comes to vampires! Just because you were cursed to eat noodles or whatever that one time, doesn’t make you an expert!”

 

“ZIM knows more about that filthy creature than you do!!” he hissed. “So much more!!”

 

“Oh, yeah? What’s his name, then?” Dib shot him a lifted brow, crossing his arms.

 

The alien narrowed his gaze, opening his mouth, until… he realized he had forgotten. Or was it just that the vampire never told him? He couldn’t remember - the creature was much too disgusting to listen to for too long, or look at, for that matter. His hair was like one of those green, bristly plants in the desert, only… not green, less bristly, and… not in the desert...

 

“That does not matter!” Zim waved both the thought and Dib’s point away. “What matters is that you had ruined my plans - so this could happen!!” he accused, hands wildly showcasing his state. “And then you…! You have kept me here and tried to plot against Zim this entire time!!” he screeched.

 

“That’s ridiculous!!”

 

“Is it? Is it really?!” The Irken glared directly at him, magenta orbs narrowed dangerously. “Because I have been confined to your filthy house like a lowly Earth pet, and Zim is sick of breathing in rooms that reek of _YOU_.”

 

“Ooo,” Drayne grinned on screen, eyeing his partner to seek retort.

 

“Look, I don’t care what you think, but I’m doing you a favour!” Dib snapped back. “You know, I could have just brushed you off and let you leave to fend for yourself, get kidnapped, whatever! But I’m not _that_ heartless, as much as I want to be, because you’re an insane monster who doesn’t even _know_ the meaning of mercy!!”

 

Zim pouted, sitting up from his lounge. “That is not true! I spare many of my enemies!” He paused momentarily, then a wicked smirk snuck up. “By ending them.”

 

The investigator dropped his head in his hands. “I can’t believe you.”

 

“What?” the alien’s antennae drooped. “Better to end them than to continue torturing.”

 

“That’s not what I’m talking about!! And that’s another thing! You never understand _anything_ I’m trying to tell you!”

 

“It is not _Zim’s_ fault your language is so ambiguous for my translator to handle!!”

 

“It’s NOT ambiguous, it’s - wait, did you say translator?”

 

The Irken’s eyes widened before he sneered to himself. “Unimportant!” he glared once again. “If you claim you are helping Zim, then actually _help_ Zim and get all of those dirty monsters away from my base!!”

 

Drayne’s screen floated in the background, lifting what appeared to be popcorn, judging by the soft crunch.

 

“I already had a plan!”

 

“Which FAILED.”

 

“Because of _YOU.”_ Dib pushed off from his desk, chair wheeling towards the alien. “Look, I have a better plan.”

 

Zim made a face from the almost pleasant smile gracing his rival’s face. He bunched the red covers in greed, watching carefully.

 

“Why don’t you stay here…” Dib’s face suddenly morphed into a harsh glower, “AND STOP SCREWING EVERYTHING UP?!”

 

The Irken’s cheeks puffed, returning the fire in his eyes, though it slowly… weakened. He scoffed, then grabbed at the blanket to throw it over himself, turning away.

 

“Ouch,” Drayne inputted.

 

“Yeah, whatever,” Dib rolled his eyes, giving the lump under his blanket a sour glance before he returned to his desk. “He needs it, sometimes.”

 

A small, defensive hiss came from behind him.

 

“Alright, well, gotta go get some footage of that weird ghost badger people have been talking about. Good luck with your love spat.”

 

Dib scowled. “It’s not a love spat, it’s - !” His head turned back to the screen, but all he found was a blank monitor idly floating by. He sighed, rolling his eyes. “Whatever.” He sat there at his desk, mindlessly staring at his daily log. His hands hovered over the keyboard, ready to type… something worth typing. Yet, nothing seemed to spring to mind. He just….

 

The child sighed harshly, pushing himself away from his desk once again. He wheeled himself back over to the bed, deadpanning at the maroon lump. He watched for a small while before he nudged at his nemesis with his foot.

 

The Irken wormed temporarily, pushing the boot away.

 

“I’m not taking back what I said,” Dib made clear. “You deserved it, you know, so stop moping already! I can’t think with you… being all upset, or whatever.”

 

“Hmph!”

 

The child glared, gripping at the covers to tug - but the alien put up a fight, and he was left desperately prying his blanket, foot planted against the side of his bed for leverage. He growled, pulling with all of his might, and then his chair flew back, covers fluttering over him.

 

He squared his shoulders, pushing the blanket down from his face. “Seriously, Zim?! Can you _be_ any more childish?!” Dib threw his blanket to the floor to reapproach the Irken who kept his body turned toward the wall. “It’s enough that you ruin my kitchen, and you try to go through my stuff, but ignoring me?? Really??” He grabbed at the Irken’s shoulder to turn him, but he jerked back suddenly, frozen to the spot.

 

Zim immediately flinched in return, clenching his zipper teeth. He covered his face in obvious discomfort, curled up. “Stop staring at Zim and go do something useful!!” he hissed.

 

Dib’s mouth twitched from the discovery, eyes locked on the back of his rival’s head. A whole range of emotion jerked through him. Fascination. Spite. Curiosity. And then… guilt. Dreaded sympathy.

 

“Are you seriously _crying_?” Dib scoffed, covering up his hesitation. His hands stretched out, but the alien fought with a hiss. “I didn’t know Irkens could be so pathetic,” he bit his tongue as soon as the words breached his lips. He didn’t mean to say that. Well, on some level he did, but sometimes he just couldn’t help but rub things in. Force of habit.

 

The alien mouth twisted, and hid his face further where the sheets met wall.

 

Dib watched as his nemesis’s body shook now and then, and he slowly cringed awkwardly. Could he just leave now and pretend this never happened?

 

“Zim,” he pressed, forcing the alien to face him. The Irken stiffened, eyeing his rival for harmful intent. He studied before his scowl fell, and his gaze only glistened solemnly. “Why are you crying?” Dib managed to ask. He really wasn’t good at this stuff. He still doesn’t know to this day what Gaz had been crying about in her room that one day he found her - but, he did have a few edging ideas. Although, this time, he knew why someone was crying. He was just… comforting himself, in asking… he supposed.

 

But he insulted Zim like that all the time. How was this any different?

 

The alien was unresponsive, but his eyes searched the sheets between them. “Zim is stuck on a dirt ball in the middle of nowhere,” he blatantly put, the quietest he’s ever been.

 

“Well, yeah. But, you’ll eventually…” Leave? From failure? Or from succeeding? Either way, it was not a fun thought to dwell upon. He’d rather live in the moment than to think his nemesis would one day move on. He cringed a bit from the sting at the back of his eyes. “Well, your leaders will eventually realize that they can’t defeat the human race, and they’ll… they’ll draw you back!”

 

“No,” the Irken simply said.

 

“No?”

 

“Zim is going to end up preserved in a tube and you will become some… scientist,” he made a face.

 

Dib’s brow furrowed from his rival’s words, eyeing him in sheer confusion. What on Earth was _wrong_ with him?

 

“What’s the matter with you?!” he spoke his thoughts aloud. “Where is this all coming from?!”

 

Zim gritted his teeth, refusing to make eye contact. “It - ” his head snapped to the side in a glitch-like convulsion. “Zim knows it will happen!!” he screeched, flaring up. “Zim sees things!! They think I do not know, HOW DARE THEY!!!” his voice roared, causing Dib to reel back. “And this planet - you hyyyUMANS, you filthy, simple smeets with your,” the Irken’s mouth soured, “silly little lives, your minuscule purpose. How confined, and plain, and unimportant, yet… Zim envies your…!” The alien grew frustrated with himself, rubbing furiously at his eyes.

 

“My experiments, they’re all probably escaped or dead by now!! Not that I paid much attention to them in the first place - and my parental robots, in need of repair - my computer, corrupted! My ship, stranded!! My Tallest - !” he shook his head of the thought. “They are going to eventually find my lab underground, confiscate my supply! My technology! My snacks!!” He twisted and tossed in his freak out. “How am I to keep going without recharging?! It’s already been too long, and I - !” he hyperventilated, screeching his head off - until his face snapped to the side from a hard SLAP.

 

“Stop it!!” Dib hissed. “Stop thinking like that!! We’re getting your base back, you’re going to fix it up, and then you’re going to whip up some big scheme of yours that I’m going to get in the way of!! Got it?!”

 

Zim avoided eye contact, wiping at his lids brokenly. He remained silent as he stared at the poster-filled wall to his right, slowly blinking. Looking back towards his nemesis from the rising pulse, he narrowed his gaze slightly, searching the amber pupils.

 

Dib managed to maintain the stare, seeking his enemy for that familiar spark. He felt his insides leap from the determined, yet devious smirk the alien adopted.

 

“Fine,” the Irken gave him the acknowledgment he needed before lying back down to get comfortable. “Just allow Zim to rest, at least, before we plan again.”

 

“Pfft,” Dib rolled his eyes. “What, you’re going to sleep?”

 

“No,” the alien eyed him suspiciously. “And Zim will not even shut down like I need to, but I will at least _pretend_ to rest.”

 

Dib furrowed his brow before giving the Irken space. “Shut down?”

 

“Hush!”

 

The investigator huffed, turning back to his computer to start typing. “Fine. But not for too long. I need to go back to skool soon or else my dad will catch on, y’know?”

 

Silence. Dib was distracted from writing his log for minutes before he realized his nemesis hadn’t answered him. He finished his thoughts before saving and closing the document, turning his chair.

 

The Irken laid there, eyes shut. His Pak was giving off a rhythmic glow, building and fading.. building and fading…

 

So, Irkens _did_ sleep, then? Was Zim just in denial? Just that stuck up? But then, what was that happening with his Pak?

 

“Zim,” the child tested quietly.

 

No response. Not even a quirk of those black stalks.

 

“Zim,” he tried again, with more volume. But, again, the alien failed to acknowledge the call.

 

Immediately, Dib’s face broke out into a devilish grin, and he flew from his chair - sneaking up to his bed, grabby hands ahead of him, hanging over the green body… But he froze.

 

What on Earth was he doing? Was he seriously thinking of taking advantage of the Irken just then? What was he going to do, snatch his unconscious body, tie him down to a table and spook him? Real nice, Dib. Real nice.

 

If he was going to do anything like that, he’d at least wait until the Irken was back on his feet. He’d rather cause the Irken discomfort through his own plans, not by some freak happening like this. It wouldn’t be satisfying. It would just be… kind of creepy. Not that he _wasn’t_ creepy on his own accord, or anything.

 

Dib sighed, staring down the alien before him. One day. But today was not the day. He retreated, grabbing up the fallen blanket to throw it over the Irken uncaringly. He returned to his desk, lingering on which tab to open on his desktop - until he huffed to himself, standing once again to fold the blanket over to uncover the Irken’s face.

 

Satisfied, he left the idle alien on his bed, brushing off the unpleasant shiver that tore through him from the notion. But he couldn’t focus on that right now. He had work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Log 547. 
> 
> Our plan failed. Zim won't tell me what exactly spooked him to have run off in the midst of things, but I think that some water got on him, or something. He hasn't been really clear lately. Not like he ever has been, though.
> 
> He was crying today. Sort of awkward. Just seemed like he was giving up. And he mentioned something, about someone - that they didn't know something. Who are "they", though? 
> 
> Mothman out.


	8. Doomsday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will there ever be an end?

****

**dEfEcTiVe?**

* * *

 

“Zim…!  _ Zim..!! _ ” 

 

The Irken’s eyes cracked open with a small sound of confusion. The dark room around him just seemed to blur wherever his focus went. 

 

Was someone talking to him?

 

He peeked further, but his implants were struggling, and his lids began to shut again…

 

“ZIM!”

 

The Irken jerked from the shake, eyes flying open to the human over him. He furrowed his brow, looking about vaguely for danger. Finding nothing but his psychotic nemesis, he grumbled sourly, head falling back down to the mattress.

 

“MASTAH!! YOU AWAKE!!!”

 

The Irken’s breath was knocked out of him from a head ramming into his abdomen. He grunted, mouth twisting in irritation as he weakly gripped at the robot around him. Minimoose joined them, snuggling at the alien’s head in merriment. 

 

Zim pushed them away slightly, taking in his surroundings again. He slowly sat up, eyes shutting. He slumped there, making a small sound of acknowledgment. 

 

Dib only stared, gaze shaking. “Do you even realize how long you’ve been asleep?!”

 

The alien blinked vaguely at him, lids still heavy. He yawned, slowly stretching… and then gave the child a look.

 

“Sleeping or not, whatever you call it! But you’ve been in it for like - three days!! I thought you were dead, you stupid alien!!! I was even about to call my dad!!!”

 

Zim grimaced immediately, turning his head back towards his Pak. Its glow growing and fading slowly. Low power mode.

 

“Gyck!!” the Irken frantically started activating all he could, but - not even his spiderlegs would emerge. His tools! His means of communication! His…

 

The colour from Zim’s face drained. His translator was offline. Everything but his atmospheric processor… disabled.

 

“Are you even listening to me?! What happened?! Why were you out for so long?! And those stupid alien worshippers have been going from house to house looking for you!!” Dib clenched his fists in frustration. 

 

Zim froze as he stared up at the child, narrowing his eyes. 

 

The human blinked before he glared back full force, gritting his teeth. “What don’t you get?! You’re in trouble, you moron!!!”

 

“Dib!” the alien hushed him. “Silence! Eh…” He scratched at his head. “Zim does not… err… process! your… big Earth-talk,” he spoke slowly until he ended with a proud position of his hands on his hips.

 

The human, however, just stared at him, jaw loose. “Are you kidding me? Wake up already!! We need to plan  _ fast _ before something else happens!! Get up and let’s figure something out before it’s too late!! You know your base better than I do, so I need you to - ”

 

“DIB-BEAST!” the Irken barked. He felt a sense of satisfaction from the successful attention, but he scowled anyhow. “Zim is not, err…” He tapped his lip. “Faibyecch!”

 

The child furrowed his brow, turning his head slightly as he watched the alien in question. “You’re not  _ what _ ?”

 

Zim seethed from the response, searching the air for his limited word bank. English seemed so easy, until… he had nothing to rely on. “Understand!” he snapped. “Zim is not understand!!”

 

“Could you, for  _ once _ in your life, take things seriously?? I knew you were bad at English, but  _ man _ , you were never  _ that -  _ ” The human paused to narrow his eyes suspiciously. “Zim  _ does _ not understand?” he corrected.

 

The Irken perked up, pointing. “Yes! Zim does not understand! English, Dib! Nnh.. nnnh - ” He struggled to continue the conversation, searching his memory. Wow. Relying on his translator heavily because he thought it inferior to actually  _ learn _ the language of a doomed species was… unfortunately coming back to bite him. “Zim… Irken speak, Dib… Earthen speak. Does not understand.” He eyed the human again for acknowledgement. “Understand?”

 

“What, like… sleeping made you forget English?” Dib rolled his eyes. “That’s stupid.”

 

Zim scowled, antennae dropping dangerously. “Dib! No! Zim is PAK translate work not,” he hissed. “Not work. Work not? Does not work,” he contemplated the word arrangement, though he slowly felt his body start to droop again. He wasted too much energy at once. He needed to recharge… He needed to get back to his base…

 

Dib watched as the alien laid back down, mouth twisting in dislike. “Hey! No!!” 

 

The Irken made a face as he was pulled back up, glowering weakly. “What?!” he snapped.

 

“Didn’t you hear me?! I said you’ve slept for - !!” Dib cut himself off from the look he was given. He puffed, dropping his head momentarily before his jaw tightened, refocusing. “You. Zim. You were… away, for… a long time.” Dib wracked his head for small words. “You and me - Zim and Dib, need a plan. Your base still… needs help.”

 

The alien hummed, nodding. Slowly, his lids were drooping again. 

 

“So…” Dib scratched at the back of his head awkwardly. “Get up.. and you and me will… plan?” He looked back to his nemesis, who had taken to lying down once again, sleeping peacefully. “Hey!!!” Dib rocked the alien viciously. “Zim, seriously, stop playing around!!”

 

However, the Irken did not respond this time, and Dib was left staring down at him. “Zim?” he furrowed his brow. 

 

He sighed, releasing the alien to collapse back to the mattress. He buried his face into the covers beside him in frustration, taking a deep breath, then releasing it.

 

“Beddy bye time?”

 

“No, Gir,” Dib mumbled into his blanket. Wait. He actually remembered Zim’s robot’s name for once!

 

Doesn’t matter. “Your Master is too stupid to stay awake.”

 

“Dats cuzzz…” The SIR Unit seemed to think long and hard, drool dripping down onto the Irken’s abdomen. “Mastah’s charging cell no good!! I seen it, you know!  _ Aww yeah _ , you know!!” he giggled hysterically, rocking himself. 

 

“Nyeh!” the doomsday device confirmed. 

 

Dib lifted his head to the robots, brows knitting. “Charging cell?”

 

“Storytime?!” Gir screeched, then stuck his tongue out, staring. 

 

The human wiped the saliva from his cheek, deadpanning. “Yeah, uh, I guess.”

 

The robot burst into hysterics, screaming and running around on the bed. He ran over his Master four times before finally sitting on the edge of the bed, calm. His eyes grew wide, the SIR Unit leaning over. “You got da weenies?” he whispered.

 

The human’s eye twitched as he leaned away a bit. “Uh… no?”

 

Gir stared at him before he grew a lopsided grin, tongue sticking out. Suddenly, his eyes flashed red, and he flared. “NO WEENIES, NO SHMEENIES!!!” he roared.

 

Dib’s weight snapped back into place, hair drooping as he blinked. Minimoose idly squeaked in the background. “Uhm… okay…” He cautiously made his way to the door, keeping a suspicious eye on Gir. “You stay here with your Master, and uh, I’ll go get them. Deal?”

 

“Okaaay!” Gir sat there, tongue falling back out. He blew it before looking down towards it… as if he’d never noticed he had a tongue before. 

 

Dib escaped as soon as he could, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

 

“Gaz! This is serious! Zim’s passed out in my room, his base is on fire, the whole town is on his block and I have to babysit his horrible robots!! Can’t you just wait ‘til next year to play in this stupid tournament?! You’ve been gone for like a week now!! Are you even going to skool??”

 

“It’s not stupid,” the child scowled, not taking her eyes off of the screen as the phone was held up to her ear. “We flew out to Moscow because  _ Iggins _ made the mistake of challenging me to Vampire Piggy Hunter IV.”

 

“Wait, huh? You’re all the way in Russia?!”

 

“Goodbye, Dib,” she hissed, pushing the phone with a nudge of her head.

 

“Ha! Your  _ brother _ sounds like he doesn’t even know the first thing when it comes to superior gaming championships like I do, and there really was no reason for you to come all the way here when you just  _ know _ that I’ll beat you anyhow!’

 

Gaz glared straight at the child to her right.

 

The crowd around them gasped as Iggins’ character burst into flames, the pixelated heat burning out to leave a pile of ashes. 

 

His mouth dropped open, controller idle in his hands. Suddenly, he screamed, eyes bulging.

Dib sighed, wallowing at his kitchen table. He couldn’t believe this. This was just… just…

 

He dropped his face to the table. What on Earth was he going to do? This whole situation was a mess!!

 

The child picked his head up slowly, cheeks in his hands. He moped, blinking straight ahead to the empty screen. He would ask Drayne, but he didn’t expect any miracles. The kid was on the eastern side of the country. He would pay for the plane ticket himself, that wouldn’t be a problem. But, even though he’s been talking to the guy for the past couple of weeks or so, that didn’t mean that they were necessarily close, now. How could he possibly trust a stranger over the internet like that? He’s never even  _ seen _ his actual face before. Or knew his last name. Or… anything, actually. How old was he, again?

 

Dib shook his head of the thoughts, huffing. No. It wasn’t smart to invite a stranger over. He was stupid enough allowing a  _ vampire _ into his home. As if he would actually - 

 

The child sat up straight. “Zephyr!  _ He _ can help me get Zim’s base back!! He’s what got us into this mess anyway! I’ll just - guilt trip him, or something! Yeah! Or - ” The human hunched over the table, tapping his fingers together wickedly. “Use Zim against him. If he sees his precious  _ partner _ in captivity, then he’ll  _ have _ to help me!! MWAHAHA!! AAAHAHAHA - AGH!” he cried, chair falling over.

* * *

 

He gagged momentarily before he forced himself to bite down again, shutting his eyes tight. The smell was absolutely revolting. The texture horrendous. And it didn’t help that he had to fight off the maggots and flies!!

 

Why  _ him _ ? Why this eternal curse? What on Earth did he do to deserve it? Could there really be a maker out there so cruel?

 

“Hey!!”

 

The vampire dropped his dinner, eyes flying to the child that had crept up on him. He screeched in fright, immediately making a run for it. 

 

Dib flinched from both the sound and the discarded creature - but he had to keep focus. The investigator chased, which he has come to be very good at over the last year. That is, when chasing Zim. Sure, the Irken has some wickedly inhuman speed, but the effort he put into actually getting away has significantly dwindled. There  _ was _ no life or death matter anymore. Needless to say, Zim had grown soft.

 

This was different. The vampire  _ was _ running for his life, it seemed, attempting to jump the fence with not much finesse. His cloak ended up getting snagged.

 

Dib caught up to the struggling creature, approaching the hooked cloth at the top of the fence. He lifted himself to peer over it, looking down into the other yard where the vampire was unfortunately suspended. “You know, it would help if you didn’t wear that  _ stupid _ cloak.  _ And _ not wear a cheesy costume, either. I mean, what purpose does it serve, anyway?”

 

Zephyr’s face scrunched as the child interrogated him rather than helping him in his predicament. Typical, really. He squirmed like a worm on a hook until there was a  _ rip _ ! and Zephyr crumbled into the grass. He pushed himself up, eyes bugging from the realization that his hand had fallen into something squishy. He lifted his palm to examine the mysterious goop.

 

Dib took no notice, focus on the piece of cloak left behind. He snatched it, looking it over before shoving it in his pocket. “Anyway,” he announced, “your little alien accomplice is in trouble. Thought you’d be interested, since I have him captured  _ and _ sedated,” he spoke with a false smile. 

 

The creature of night eventually pushed himself back up, eyes skimming the fence. He gave the human a suspicious look before really taking him in. “Accomplice?” he mumbled. “I thought I already told you that we’re not working together. Several times, in fact.”

 

“Uh huh,” Dib gave him a look. “So, if you want to, I dunno,  _ save _ him, then you have to come with me.”

 

Zephyr stared at him before scratching at the back of his head. “Uhm, I guess so.”

 

“A-HA! So, you two ARE working together! I knew it!!”

 

“No,” the vampire shook his head quickly, “it’s just that you chased me, you’re probably not going to leave me alone, and you’re pretty scary.”

 

“Thanks?” Dib furrowed his brow, then extended a hand out. 

 

Zephyr stared at it before he smiled pleasantly, gripping at the offered support to start climbing back over the fence. 

 

Once over, the vampire left him behind to seek direction- and Dib had lifted his hand to examine the mysterious stain on his palm that did  _ not _ smell pleasant.

* * *

 

“Is that enough proof for you?” the child deadpanned. “He’s out cold. What more do you need?”

 

Zephyr watched from beside the bed, eyes dancing over the figure. He felt his eye twitch a bit as Dib dropped the alien’s body back against the covers. “Well, uhm, if you have him captured like you said, then… why is he not… tied up, or something?”

 

“Huh?” Dib blinked hard behind his glasses. “Uh.. I mean… because, uhm… well, you know, aliens are… uh… allergic to rope!!”

 

“Oh,” the vampire scratched at his cheek. “Makes sense… I guess.”

 

“Duh,” Dib scoffed. 

 

“Then, why is he on your bed, of all places?”

 

“Well, am I supposed to put him on the  _ floor _ ?” the child made a face.

 

Zephyr lifted a brow before his hand reached out. “Have you been  _ sleeping _ with him right there?”

 

“DON’TTOUCHHIM!!”

 

The vampire snapped back in fright from the roar, protecting his hand against his shirt. What on Earth?

 

“I mean, uh, he’s sensitive, you know? The temperature of your undeadly skin could send him into shock!”

 

The creature of night stared at him before his gaze lowered to the Irken in Dib’s clutches. Things weren’t really adding up here. “So, uhm, did you bring me here to stare at him with you?”

 

The child snapped out of it, glaring. “No! This is a threat! Either you help me, or I’ll… uhm…” Dib searched his room momentarily. “I’ll do something horrible to him!!”

 

“How horrible?”

 

“I dunno, I was thinking of maybe flicking him until he woke up. He hates that.” Dib shrugged before he scowled. “Hey!! That doesn’t matter! What  _ matters _ is that  _ I _ have him captured, and  _ I _ could do what I want with him! So, you better listen to me, or I’ll - !”

 

“Flick him?” Zephyr’s dead gaze watched. “That’s kind of sad. Don’t tell me it’s not.”

 

“Yeah, well,” Dib gave the vampire a nasty glance. “Anyway, are you going to help me or not? I’m sure you’ve noticed the whole fire thing going on a few streets over. That’s all  _ your _ fault. Zim is useless, so we can’t interrogate him for direction once we’re inside of his base. But, we  _ do _ have his robots, and I know how to hack into his security system, if it’s still up and running.”

 

The vampire blinked, trying to process everything Dib shot at him. Glancing slowly back down to where the Irken’s body rested, he observed the unfamiliar glowing pattern radiating from the Irken’s PAK. Narrowing his eyes, he returned them to the rambling child. “You didn’t  _ really _ capture him,  _ did _ you? You’re protecting him,  _ aren’t _ you? From all of those people?”

 

Dib stared before he seemed to search their surroundings for a response, eyes moving nervously. “Uh, pfft, why would you think  _ that _ ? I’m not protecting him!! That’s ridiculous! I’m just, uhm - you know, making sure  _ I’m _ the one to expose him and not some stupid news reporter,” the human rolled his eyes.

 

Zephyr lowered his head, looking out from beneath his brow. “ _ That’s _ not protecting him?”

 

“No,” the investigator’s mouth scrunched. “Look, you  _ clearly _ don’t understand anything that goes on between us, so stop trying to get to the bottom of things already!”

 

“ _ I _ don’t understand?” Zephyr scowled at him. “Of course, maybe I just  _ imagined _ , oh, I don’t know, you taking cars together, playing on swings, working on projects, walking each other home after skool, walking hand in hand - !!”

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!! Wait a minute!! What are you trying to say here?! What are you implying?!” Dib clenched his fists in frustration. “And how long have you been following us?! That’s really creepy, y’know?!”

 

Ignoring that last part, the vampire huffed. “What do you  _ think _ I’m implying? You pretend to hate each other when others are around you, but I’ve seen how you two act alone! Don’t you find it  _ strange _ that your enemy gave you a  _ gift _ on Valentine’s Day? Or that you call each other for hours? Or even this?!” he referenced to the sleeping alien. “He’s safe and sound, in your house, on your  _ bed _ !! What do you think I’m not getting that  _ you _ clearly understand?!”

 

Dib’s face morphed from one emotion to the next as the vampire recited their interactions in detail. However, his brow knitted as his brain snapped back. “What gift? He didn’t give me a gift. What are you talking about?”

 

Zephyr lifted a brow. “He brought a box to school with  _ your  _ name on it.”

 

“Huh.” The child scratched at his temple. “That’s weird. Well, it was probably one of his schemes, or something. It probably blew up before I could even stop him.” Following this thought, the human quickly waved his hands to regain focus. “Hey! I didn’t invite you here to talk about that! Just drop it, because it has nothing to do with you, and what happens between Zim and I  _ stays _ between us! Us, like, him and I. Not you and I. Just  _ Zim _ and I.” The child took a moment to breathe deeply. “Come on, let's just go downstairs to start planning.” 

 

“Why not in here?” Zephyr blinked after the child, who stood in the doorway.

 

“Because  _ Zim’s _ in here.” The human narrowed his eyes. “And I don’t trust you around him.  _ Vampire _ .”

 

Zephyr narrowed his eyes as the child led him out, glancing back towards where the Irken slept. His dark gaze lifted to the blurry, ill-taken photos of said alien taped along the wall, then back to where the extraterrestrial laid out cold. 

 

“What are you looking at?”

 

The vampire turned his attention back to the child, face unsure of how to twist. He settled it with a small, awkward shrug before carefully crossing paths.

 

Dib watched suspiciously, grabbing at the doorknob as he leaned back into the room to give his nemesis a last glance over. After staring for a drawn out minute, the door abruptly shut.  

* * *

 

They stared down at the papers before them, the two completely silent as the light blared above them.

 

“It’s a lot cleaner in here than I remember,” Zephyr eventually spoke up.

 

“Isn’t it?” Dib smiled, before catching himself, and he dropped it. Clearing his throat, he fell back into observing the layout he drew. 

 

Zephyr stared from the corner of his gaze, awkwardly shifting in his seat. 

 

Seconds turned into minutes as the silence dragged out between them, the air growing thicker and thicker. 

 

For Zephyr, at least. “Are we going to start planning anytime soon, or…?”

 

“Hey! I don’t see  _ you _ coming up with anything! Don’t rush me!!”

 

“Well, I’m just saying, because we’ve sort of been sitting here for over an hour.”

 

“I know that!!” Dib scoffed. “Look, I’m just a little burnt out from these past couple days.” The child jumped down from his chair to open up the fridge, rubbing at his face.

 

“Doing what?” the vampire watched him from where he sat, trying not to make direct eye contact. 

 

The child lifted a brow, backing out of the fridge with a soda can in hand. “What do you think?” he snapped, shutting the door. He popped open the tab, taking a swig. 

 

Zephyr turned his head to observe, quickly looking away again as the human reapproached his seat.

 

Jumping back up, he set the can down beside his plans - and resumed staring at them without a spark of inspiration left. 

 

The vampire peeked at him now and then, twiddling his thumbs. After another long stretch of silence, he began to support his heavy head with a hand. “We have to make a distraction, right? To get people away from Zim’s base?”

 

“No,” Dib sarcastically exhaled. “We want people to go  _ into _ his base and discover an alien lives there.”

 

“You don’t have to have an attitude, you know,” Zephyr glared slightly. “I understand that you’re tired, but I’m just trying to help because you forced me to come here.”

 

“I know, I know,” the child dropped his head in his arms over the table, whining. He spoke into the painted wood, “I just wish we had Zim to help us with the layout. How on Earth am I supposed to look for something I’ve never even seen before?!”

 

“What are you looking for, again?” Zephyr furrowed his brow. “I thought we were figuring out how to get people away from his base.”

 

“Yeah, but his stupid robot said something about a charging cell or whatever, which means Zim runs on something similar to a battery. If we want him animated again, he needs whatever charger thing Gir was talking about.” 

 

“You’re going extreme lengths for someone you want dead,” the vampire rolled his eyes.

 

“I never said dead!”

 

“Having your organs torn out isn’t  _ dead _ ?”

 

“No!” Dib immediately claimed.

 

Zephyr gave him a look, raising a brow. He blinked before opening his mouth again, “I don’t really understand what you - ”

 

“Of course you don’t! No one ever gets it!!” Dib let out a frustrated growl. “Look, let’s just try to focus on one thing at a time. Zim and I tried to utilize the firetrucks as a distraction by sabotaging them, but that backfired for some stupid reason that was obviously Zim’s  _ stupid _ alien fault, so..” He took a breath. “Okay. Think, Dib, think - how else can I distract a crowd of people?”

 

“If you said that Zim’s robot knew about a.. charger something, then shouldn’t he be going with you, so he can show you where it is?”

 

“Are you kidding me?! Gir’s - !” Dib’s glare lightened up as he tapped at his lip. Suddenly, he pointed with a gasp. “Great at distractions!! We can use Zim’s annoying robot to lure people away!!”

 

Zephyr deadpanned from the idea. “That’s nice,” he droned. “What about the charger?”

 

“Huh?” Dib scratched at his head.

 

“The charger? The thing that Zim’s robot knows about that Zim  _ needs _ ?” he pressed. 

 

“Oh. Well..” Dib puffed his cheeks before releasing the air. “Maybe that purple.. moose.. thing knows where it is.”

 

The vampire’s mouth twisted. “And how are we supposed to figure that out?”

 

“We try to talk to it?” Dib shrugged. “Couldn’t hurt.” He stood from his chair again, grabbing the can. “Just stick with me. I don’t trust you in any part of my house on your own.”

 

“Very kind of you,” the vampire moped, swiping the papers.

* * *

 

He watched the alien’s abdomen rise and fall. To an outsider, the Irken could have been peacefully sleeping. But, according to a psychotic child, who he didn’t even know he should trust or not, the alien was in a low-battery coma. 

 

He studied from the wheely chair that Dib had allowed him in, but to be anywhere near the Irken was off-limits. He was stuck, useless on the side lines as Dib interrogated a squeaking balloon animal. 

 

“Charging… cell,” Dib said slowly, annunciating the best he could. 

 

Following this, Minimoose gave him an intense stare. “Nyeh… nyeh!”

 

“Look, I can’t understand your alien squeak language!! Why can’t you speak English like your Master?! Hasn’t he taught you anything?! How old are you, anyway?!”

 

“Nyeh nyeh nyah!” Minimoose argued. “Nyeh… nyeh!!”

 

“I can’t understand you!!”

 

“NYAH!”

 

Dib huffed, falling back on his bed - which caused the Irken to bounce beside him. “This is stupid! I’m arguing with a balloon!!’

 

“Nyeh!”

 

“It kind of is,” Zephyr rolled his eyes. “Zim understands that thing?” he pointed.

 

“Yeah, with some translator, or something. I don’t know,” Dib rubbed at his face before he turned his body towards his nemesis, glaring straight at him. “I thought he was just bad at English this entire time. I didn’t know he was working with some alien translator. No wonder he’s terrible,” Dib scowled at the sleeping form his enemy, as if the entire world’s issues lied with him, and him alone.

 

“A translator?” Zephyr echoed. 

 

“Something like that,” Dib confirmed. “I’ll have to look into it.”

 

The vampire started to swivel in the chair as he watched from afar, dark eyes tracking the two bodies before he pulled himself away. His gaze fell upon the idle computer screen, listening to the soft humming of the machine. Blinking down at it, his eyes shifted here and there. “Maybe your father can help?”

 

Capped laughter came and went. “Are you serious? I’ll be lucky if I see my dad in the next six months!”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Nevermind,” Dib reached out to grab the retractable light over his bed, pulling it down over the sleeping alien. He pursed his lips, observing before turning the Irken over. 

 

“What are you doing?” Zephyr narrowed his eyes.

 

“Nyeh!!”

 

Dib pushed the purple moose away, glaring. “Well, I should be taking advantage of this situation, right? Maybe I can dissect his Pak a bit while I have the - ” Dib’s fingers pressed around the top ridge of the metal - and immediately, he screamed as Zim’s Pak legs shot out. Dodging the apparent attack, Dib dove off of his bed, covering himself.

 

Zephyr held up his hands in preparation, peering through his fingers as the unconscious alien rose from the bed - his frightening figure towering above them. The vampire’s mouth twitched as anxiety swarmed his chest - legs ready to start fleeing… however, just as the spiderlegs took a few steps, the alien seemed to stumble and fall, crashing down to the floor in a pitiful heap. 

 

The vampire cringed, expecting a hard thump - but a quiet grunt came instead. He looked down to where the Irken had fallen, his body cushioned by Dib, who looked more than displeased. Pushing his nemesis off of him, the child got to his feet to grab the alien up by an arm, stomping back over to his bed. Planting him across the covers again, Dib glowered. “Zim!! I know you’re awake!! Stop messing around already and help me, you moron!! Come on!! Give me a sign!!” 

 

Zephyr twitched from the loud slap Dib gave the alien’s face. 

 

“Nyah nyeh NYEH!”

 

“Shut up!!  _ You’re _ not doing anything to help!!” Dib pointed the moose’s way.

 

“Nyah, nyah, NYAH nyah!!”

 

“What don’t you get about, ‘I can’t understand you’?!”

 

Zephyr frowned as the two went at it, the psychotic boy yelling back and forth with a balloon animal. It was really… something else. 

 

He watched them spit and snap before a miniscule movement caught his eye - the alien’s lids were open!

 

“Dib!” Zephyr pointed.

 

“And furthermore, I don’t even see your purpose for being around, anyway! It’s not like you have opposable thumbs, or even HANDS, for that matter! What could you possibly be helping Zim with?! Are you just around for entertainment or something?!”

 

“Nyeh nyeh!!’

 

“Is that the only word you can say?!”

 

“Nyah!!”

 

“Nyeh nyah nyeh!!” Dib mocked. “How do  _ you _ like it?!”

 

Minimoose stared before it started to expel squeaks of all kinds in a rage, shaking its nub.

 

“HEY!!” the vampire screamed, silencing the room. He took a breath, pouting at the two. “Zim’s awake.”

 

Dib gasped, smiling in excitement. “Zim! Finally!! I’ve been trying to - ” He stopped to furrow his brow, making a face, wiping the smile off. “I mean, you jerk!! Stop sleeping and help me already before you die from stupid reasons!!” he spat.

 

The Irken’s dull eyes stared up at his nemesis before they slowly trailed, as if looking for clarity. 

 

Zephyr froze from the dead stare upon him, suddenly frightened out of his wits to move even an inch. His lips pressed together in a thin line, hair standing up higher. His eyes flew to Dib for silent help, swallowing.

 

“Zim,” the child grabbed that attention right back, observing his rival’s struggling lids. “Zim! Quickly, you have to tell me where you charge! Where in your base do you charge?!”

 

The Irken furrowed his brow slowly, seconds ticking by.

 

“Zim!! This is kind of important right now! Where. Is. Your. Charger?!”

 

“Mn,” the alien’s eyes fell to his unleashed spiderlegs, the things lifeless around him. “Charger?” he questioned.

 

“For your Pak? Pak charger?” Dib made a face of uncertainty.

 

Zephyr watched, eyes set on the alien, who seemed completely out of the loop of where he was, and whom he was with. Maybe Dib  _ did _ drug him. 

 

Suddenly, something seemed to click, because the alien perked a bit in Dib’s grasp. “Minimoose,” he battled the darkness threatening to swallow his vision. His eyes went from Dib to the screen of his burning home. Clutching at his enemy’s shirt, he pushed himself up slightly. “Minimoose,” he called again, and his minion came charging in excited squeaks, rubbing all over him.

 

Dib nearly dropped the Irken from the hug attack, though held strong. “What  _ about _ Minimoose? Does he know where your charger is??”

 

“Mn,” the alien gave a tiny nod, his lids slowly starting to shut again.

 

“Wait!! Can he understand us?! How do we communicate with him?!”

 

Minimoose gave the child a look. “Nyeh nyeh!” it snapped.

 

“Zim, please, I don’t know where your charger is, and your base is  _ massive _ ,” Dib pleaded.

 

The Irken’s lids reopened with a distressed twist of his lips - as if the alien were ready to have a meltdown. “Dib,” he breathed.

 

Zephyr watched from his seat, eyes absorbing the two enemies. 

 

Dib froze as tears actually leaked down his rival’s face, trying not to cringe in discomfort.

 

“Help Zim,” he urged.

 

The Irken’s eyes suddenly dulled, turning an ominous grey - the usual pink pods of his Pak discolouring as well. 

 

The human jerked from the body falling into him, lifeless and silent. 

 

Minimoose suddenly squeaked in panic, flying about the two. It desperately pushed at the Irken’s body, nudging and ramming in attempt to wake him. 

 

Zephyr was deathly still as his gaze remained on the alien’s body. Was he dead? Did he just… die? 

 

The vampire caught a few droplets falling onto the green skin, a quiet sizzling following. He looked up to where the child’s head hung low, shoulders shaking now and then. Minimoose began to squeak a mourningful wail, burying itself into its Master’s chest.

 

Zephyr tilted his head, comprehension out of grasp. After picking up the sounds of sniffs and small intakes of breaths, he stood to approach. “Dib,” he began quietly. “Uhm, it’s okay - ”

 

“GET OUT!!” Dib roared. Minimoose twitched from the shout, though registered the anger was directed elsewhere. “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!”

 

The vampire put his hands up in defense. “But Zim needs our help to - ”

 

“I said GET OUT!!!” Dib grabbed at the closest object - a pillow, and whipped it. 

 

The vampire caught the thing, looking down at it. He looked up at the Membrane child and the body of his nemesis, frown deepening. He set the pillow down on the rolling chair before stepping towards the door to take his leave. 

 

Pausing in the doorway, he glanced back once more. “I’m leaving now,” he reassured. 

 

“Good riddance,” Dib mumbled to himself, the door shutting.

 

He watched the alien below, eyes tracing the streams light pink tears had created on green skin. Poking at the tear that had yet to drip, his body began to shake.

 

Dib dropped his head, closing Minimoose between them as he began to cry - harder than he ever has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Z1661-Log 37. It's been three weeks since Zim's been MIA. I haven't seen him at skool, at the park, not even in his base. I checked the cameras, and there doesn't seem to be any activity whatsoever. I guess he just realized I'm done playing tag. May dad is... proud of me, for once. It feels good. But, something's still bothering me. I feel... empty.
> 
> Mothman Out.


End file.
